Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bloody entitled grown up children!

327 replies

PhaedrasChocolate · 29/08/2018 13:50

May very well get lambasted for this, but i need to vent.

I have a 21 year old dd. She is currently transferring to a different university as she hated her course last year. She's been staying with her bf all summer, she doesn't live with me.

I woke this morning to a WhatsApp telling me I need to hurry up and log on to some student accommodation portal and accept being guarantor for her new place...

She's never asked me to be guarantor. This is the first I've heard of any if it, I've had no emails, don't know anything about the portal.

Apparently if I don't do it by the end of today, she's got nowhere to live Hmm She was breathtakingly rude to me on the phone and I'm really pissed off.

Anyway. My point is this. Am I the only parent of dc this age that thinks they are a generation of selfish, entitled little shits? Are they all like this? Me and my mum shouted at each other for a couple of years until I left home, but we had a good relationship after that and still do.

I just don't know how to deal with her. I love her madly, we used to be so close, and then around 17/18 it all changed. I foolishly thought I'd got away with it because she was still lovely as a 15 year old....

How do I deal with this? I don't want to alienate her any more than I have already, but she treats me horribly a lot of the time, and I don't want to put up with it.

OP posts:
LightastheBreeze · 29/08/2018 16:39

Are all the details of being a guarantor in this student portal thing, as before you accept anything it will need reading thoroughly, she should have given you more notice.

chocatoo · 29/08/2018 16:39

At 21 she is late starting her degree? Is there more of a back story?
Be careful what you sign for. She would need to be rather more pleasant to me if she was my daughter before I would sign anything.
I agree that there do seem to be a lot of very entitled young people around but as parents we have to take responsibility for that! All this 'my little prince/princess' treatment doesn't help.

Alaaya · 29/08/2018 16:41

Re: the companies that offer to be guarantor - they ask a fairly hefty fee. Often you'd be better just taking out a loan.

To those who have asked what students without middle class parents do - it's a massive issue. One of my students sofa surfed for a term before student services were able to help him. Another relied on his gf's parents who were guarantor for the whole house. Others have dropped out of university. When I was doing my PhD I couldn't get a guarantor for a bit so moved into a squat (not recommended!!). There are often landlords who want cash in hand rent or don't want to have to keep their properties up to the legal standard who will also rent without a guarantor. Student halls can also sometimes help.

Clearly this is not the same in all towns but it is a very common problem and why in some places working class students have a higher drop out rate.

Motoko · 29/08/2018 16:43

but I really would have struggled to get by without being able to use my parents.

Well, you were very lucky your parents were able to do that for you.

Lots of young people don't, and unless they can find somewhere that doesn't require a guarantor, or make some other arrangement, then they won't be able to go to uni.

Seniorschoolmum · 29/08/2018 16:47

At the very least I would tell her you aren’t doing anything until you have seen the paperwork, and hear a bit more detail about what, where, how much and who she is sharing with.
Don’t say no, but set some reasonable basic requirements. Don’t be rushed into it.
It might be like when kids come home and insist they are the only 8yo without an iPhone. Smile

notangelinajolie · 29/08/2018 16:48

To all those who told the OP not to be her guarantor - I'm assuming they weren't guarantor for their kids - so who was? I don't know anyone in my immediate family or friends kids who have been able to rent student accommodation without someone being guarantor.

To the OP - no you are not the only parent of selfish entitled teens/young adults. I have three and none of them are talking to me (or each other) atm because me and DH are going out tonight for a meal to celebrate my birthday - by ourselves.

Good luck!

abacucat · 29/08/2018 16:52

Christ I would not have been able to go to Uni if this was the system in place then.

Bluelady · 29/08/2018 16:55

Bottom line is you can't be her guarantaur, OP, because you just don't earn enough and won't be accepted so it's a moot point.

I don't think all kids of that generation are entitled and selfish but some most definitely are. One of ours takes my breath away.

longwayoff · 29/08/2018 17:01

Well done phaedra and family I hope u all had a good day.

Tara336 · 29/08/2018 17:01

Some seem to be entitled shits! SD is late 20s moving flats next week and expects DH to take a day off, pay for removal van and also help with the move. He’s not getting younger, is not well right now but that is irrelevant as everything is about her

Soontobe60 · 29/08/2018 17:02

How has she managed to do one degree then start another completely new one? I didn't think you could get funding for that's,
I'd want her to show me her student loan agreement, and to know exactly how she is intending to pay her rent. Most student rentals require a terms rent in advance. You need to be absolutely sure that she is able TLR fund this course before committing yourself to being her guarantor.
I was for my daughter because I was paying her rent for her, so I knew it would be paid

actualpuffins · 29/08/2018 17:06

Most people are pretty self-centred in their 20s but get the spots knocked off them soon enough.

I don't recall ever doing anything like that to my mum though at 21 and had a really good relationship with her always, but especially from age 17+.

LightastheBreeze · 29/08/2018 17:08

The guarantor requirements seemed to vary each time regarding earnings, one was much stricter than the others and wanted to know everything, like length of time in job, certain amount of earnings etc. but others just seemed to refer to credit reference agencies and didn't check salary. DS moved each year so DH had to be guarantor on 3 places.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 29/08/2018 17:09

My son needed me to be guarantor, and, as is normal, to not just rent but also damage.
Before signing, I obtained landlord's agreement to insert two clauses 1) to limit my liability to his share of the rent only 2) to limit my liability to damage caused by him with an upper limit on what I was prepared to pay.

The above is constructive advice on how to approach it if you are able and willing to act as a guarantor.

21-year-olds generally do think it's all about them, but it sounds as if you've talked it through with her since your original post and fingers crossed, she'll be more polite next time she needs your help.

I hate the way some people point the finger at parents when their child is rude or unreasonable. Most of us try to raise polite, self- sufficient people, but there's bound to be some bumps on the way to maturity.

I don't think I really matured until my 30s and I still have dumb moments. Grin

fartyghost · 29/08/2018 17:11

I'm really curious now. People who won't be guarantor for their student kids - where do the DC live?

I wasn't able to be a guarantor for mine because I'm also a student. They saved up enough money to pay their rent for the year in advance, however they could only do that because I paid the rent for their 1st year.

LightastheBreeze · 29/08/2018 17:12

Each time DH was guarantor it was single rent with the upper limit specified which was DS's share and joint damage. DS did have quite a lot of savings so he would have had to pay if things went wrong and he was happy with this.

Satsumaeater · 29/08/2018 17:13

I don't know anyone in my immediate family or friends kids who have been able to rent student accommodation without someone being guarantor

Astonished by this. Not in the private sector but surprised universities are requiring it. They generally take a deposit and payment a term in advance so where is the risk to them?

What do foreign students do, who generally always live "in"?

Cronesquerness · 29/08/2018 17:14

YANBU Grown up 'kids' can be a pain in the arse! Mine can be!

Everyoneiswingingit · 29/08/2018 17:18

Phaedras I feel your pain.

tinstar · 29/08/2018 17:25

My 19 and 21 year olds have their moments but no, they are not entitled little shits. Nor would I talk about them in that way.

My 19, 21 and 23 year old dcs aren't either. And I would never ever talk about them in such unpleasant terms.

ZanyMobster · 29/08/2018 17:28

Have you got the full info of what is expected as guarantor? My parents were guarantor for me when I had to get a mortgage on my own at 24 when my XH moved out. Never a question but they knew I could afford to pay it and would never have defaulted. I think they would have done the same if it was uni but then I was trustworthy and it would never have been an issue (I was a PITA in may other ways of course as an older teen!)

Do they not need proof of income as guarantor, presumably they will need to know you can afford it?

I would hate the though that I couldn't help my adult DCs but I would expect a bit of respect when they asked me, can you not call her and have a proper chat about it all? Explain your concerns etc?

It's a really tricky situation. MN does not understand that many people do not have several hundred £s laying around at the end of each month.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 29/08/2018 17:29

It's quite a leap from having your own daughter do something cheeky/entitled (and several years overdue at that), and dismissing everyone her age as 'a generation of selfish, entitled little shits'. Doesn't make you look like you're born of a generation of intelligent and fair-minded people.

But hey, the young generation has always been the easy target. Has anyone else noticed that now that the actual millennials (i.e., those who were young adults round about the year 2000) are getting into middle age, the term is now being used to describe people in their 20s? When you've got a good pejorative term for young people, it's a shame to waste it on just one generation.

safetyfreak · 29/08/2018 17:34

My parents are guarantors for me but we get on well and it was an discussion, not an demand.

Alaaya · 29/08/2018 17:39

Satsumaeater - they pay in advance. That is often the way around it but that involves having several thousand pounds lying around, which of course few do.

AnExcellentUsername · 29/08/2018 17:50

"At 21 she is late starting her degree? Is there more of a back story?"

Hmm