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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bloody entitled grown up children!

327 replies

PhaedrasChocolate · 29/08/2018 13:50

May very well get lambasted for this, but i need to vent.

I have a 21 year old dd. She is currently transferring to a different university as she hated her course last year. She's been staying with her bf all summer, she doesn't live with me.

I woke this morning to a WhatsApp telling me I need to hurry up and log on to some student accommodation portal and accept being guarantor for her new place...

She's never asked me to be guarantor. This is the first I've heard of any if it, I've had no emails, don't know anything about the portal.

Apparently if I don't do it by the end of today, she's got nowhere to live Hmm She was breathtakingly rude to me on the phone and I'm really pissed off.

Anyway. My point is this. Am I the only parent of dc this age that thinks they are a generation of selfish, entitled little shits? Are they all like this? Me and my mum shouted at each other for a couple of years until I left home, but we had a good relationship after that and still do.

I just don't know how to deal with her. I love her madly, we used to be so close, and then around 17/18 it all changed. I foolishly thought I'd got away with it because she was still lovely as a 15 year old....

How do I deal with this? I don't want to alienate her any more than I have already, but she treats me horribly a lot of the time, and I don't want to put up with it.

OP posts:
EthelThePiratesDaughter · 29/08/2018 15:56

Perhaps her daughter could have saved a couple of months rent to give Op, or have looked at halls?

Sounds like it is halls, or at least some sort of uni accommodation, if the OP has to log into a portal to do it?

lowtide · 29/08/2018 15:57

the problem clearly was in the presumption the op would drop everything and do it today. if you need someone to do you a favour then you shouldnt really be rude to them.
have you sat down and told her how sad you feel about the situation?

I found my mum really irritating at that age, yet I still needed her help, which i resented as I thought she was trying to control me and treat me like a child. it wasnt a great time in our relationship tbh.
I grew out of it though and she accepted I was more of an adult

abacucat · 29/08/2018 16:00

What the hell do students do if they have no parents, or if they have very poor parents who can't possible act as a guarantor? Thinking of myself with parents who had nothing, and a friend whose parents both died when he was 16. Both of us went to university but did not have parents to be a guarantor, luckily it was not needed then.

LaurieLarx · 29/08/2018 16:00

I feel for you OP. I was pretty clueless at your DD's age, and like her would probably only realise the importance of stuff like guarantors when it was spelled out to me, usually too late. She may well be embarrassed and panicking about it. However, she is sounding off at you, whereas I'd be abjectly apologetic to my mum! If she wants to be treated as a grown-up, she can't just bully you into undoing her mistakes.

This is a tricky one though. It's ok to say 'teach her a lesson', and it sounds like she needs it, but personally I wouldn't choose this as the place to start. Being homeless is no joke. It could have all sorts of repercussions that would affect your relationship for a long time, if not permanently. Tempting though it is to chop her off - especially when you're feeling so hurt and used - every bad thing that happens to her in her life could be laid at your door!

Instead I suggest you do the hard, boring work of going through the small print - with her, on Skype maybe - so that she understands exactly what she's asking you to commit to. And you have to do the emotional work of explaining that things between you must change. You love her but will not be treated by her in the way she has done.

Good luck!

QuiteChic · 29/08/2018 16:00

Mine did pretty much the same thing. It was like I'd dropped my beautiful girl of at school one the morning and she'd had a head transplant by the time she got home. (She was sixteen). It went on for seven long years, she can still be totally thoughtless; I've come to the conclusion that as hard as you try to instill all the 'good stuff', there comes a point when you have to accept she has genes from generations gone and somehow or someway those genes come bubbling through - we can't be a total product of nurture can we ? Or all our kids would turn out the same and my two are chalk and cheese.

I see elements of my DH in her and she's very like my Mum. I try and think of her our daughter not 'mine' - it helps me to let go of her less than pleasant traits. All her good ones are obviously mine Grin !

diddl · 29/08/2018 16:07

"Sounds like it is halls, or at least some sort of uni accommodation, if the OP has to log into a portal to do it?"

Yes, could be.

Is it definitely a guarantor she's after Op, not a deposit?

SocialPiranha · 29/08/2018 16:08

YANBU at all. If this was that important to her (and having somewhere to live kind of is!) she’d have asked nicely and given you more notice than a matter of hours.

My dad is my guarantor. He’d be raging if I ever behaved that way towards him when asking him such a huge favour. Right before he probably told me where to go tbh.

LeftRightCentre · 29/08/2018 16:10

What do students who have poor parents do?

longwayoff · 29/08/2018 16:11

Tinkobell, thoroughly unkind and unnecessary. When you're driven to your wits end by one of your children I hope you remember what you've written.

TomHardysNextWife · 29/08/2018 16:17

Taking the emotion out of the equation, if she defaults on her rent can you afford to pay it for her? This could be a month, two months or worst case scenario she doesn't pay it at all.

If the answer is No, then don't do it.

She's your DD but she is an adult AND you also have to be able to pay your own outgoings Flowers.

Original poster
PhaedrasChocolate · 29/08/2018 16:17

Tinkobell and others, I have actually seen her, that's not what I said. She lives 200 miles away... I scraped the money together to take her to go on the Trump rally and we spent the week together. Is that ok? Thanks for your support though Confused

I'll say what I like on an anonymous forum, thank you. I DO think she's entitled, and I make no apology for that. I'm not sulking or childish, I'm bewildered at how I could've got it so wrong. Let's hope all your relationships turn out perfectly with your children, because I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

To the many others of you that have been so helpful, thanks loads. We've spoken on the phone twice today and trying to get it sorted for her.

OP posts:
Gersemi · 29/08/2018 16:18

Am I the only parent of dc this age that thinks they are a generation of selfish, entitled little shits?

Please don't condemn the entire generation on the basis of your daughter's behaviour.

AnExcellentUsername · 29/08/2018 16:19

If your daughter is a "selfish, entitled little shit" perhaps you should look a bit closer to home rather than making sweeping generalisations about an entire generation.

GreenShadow · 29/08/2018 16:20

I doubt the lettings agent would allow you to be a guarantor anyway Phaedras - usually you need a certain level of income - I know mine is too low to be able to do it for our DC.

Furrydogmum · 29/08/2018 16:23

A friend of my son dropped out after his mum guarantored his accommodation and she's now liable for the years costs afaik.. not great 😐

LightastheBreeze · 29/08/2018 16:25

As other posters have said, what about students who come from homes where no-one has a steady reasonably waged job, can they not get student rentals. When DS needed a guarantor DH had to do it as I didn't earn much. DH also had to be guarantor when DS got his job after university as he hadn't been there a year.

SummerStrong · 29/08/2018 16:27

After you have the accommodation / guarantor thing sorted out and you and her have both calmed down I would arrange to see her, sit her down and have some very strong words with her.

Remind her she was not raised to be rude, or take you for granted, tell her you will not be spoken to or treated that way again. Remind her that you have been the one constant in her life, and your love is unconditional but adult relationships need work, effort and mutual respect. She is an adult now, she has hurt you.

If she senses your 'fear' of losing her then she holds all the power. You need to be firm with her.

The old saying 'you teach people how to treat you' springs to mind.

RomanyRoots · 29/08/2018 16:27

Five pages and we get to "trump"
no wonder she's a selfish shit and treats you like shit.
she's been raised by a Trumpite.

EthelThePiratesDaughter · 29/08/2018 16:30

RomanyRoots

Err, I read that to mean the OP had taken her on the anti-Trump protest.

Dungeondragon15 · 29/08/2018 16:31

You can't state that a whole generation is selfish and entitled just because yours is. That's ridiculous. She probably doesn't know what she is asking for and how unreasonable it is to demand that you are a guarantor with no notice or chance to find out what is involved. You should log on and see what you are potentially signing up to and whether you could act as a guarantor anyway (if you wanted to).

StaySafe · 29/08/2018 16:32

Please be careful about what you are guaranteeing with a student let. DH signed as guarantor for DS2 but the agreement covered all the tenants of the house. One girl decided to withold rent because she was not satisfied with the speed at which repairs had been carried out and this resulted in the other 4 guarantor parents being threatened with county court proceedings.We had to divi up to avoid a county court judgement and never got the money back.

Itchytights · 29/08/2018 16:32

YANBU

thenightsky · 29/08/2018 16:35

They can be a nightmare OP. I have a DD and a DS, both brought up exactly the same. DD can be breathtakingly rude to me and DS is Mr Politeness himself.

Re the red herring of guarantor - DH did this for DS, who dropped out a Xmas time due to health issues and had to cover the rest of the year!

Original poster
PhaedrasChocolate · 29/08/2018 16:35

Romany it was the anti Trump rally..... me, my dd, and my mum all marched together.

OP posts:
Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 29/08/2018 16:39

In my experience parents generally act as guarantors, because otherwise students find it difficult to find accommodation.

However after being very rude to me I would definitely not agree to be guarantor (unless you rang her up in a froth and started a fight, which hopefully is not the case).

Not fair to tar a whole generation with the same brush though, just because your daughter needs to grow up and learn manners.

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