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AIBU?

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Original poster

Bloody entitled grown up children!

327 replies

PhaedrasChocolate · 29/08/2018 13:50

May very well get lambasted for this, but i need to vent.

I have a 21 year old dd. She is currently transferring to a different university as she hated her course last year. She's been staying with her bf all summer, she doesn't live with me.

I woke this morning to a WhatsApp telling me I need to hurry up and log on to some student accommodation portal and accept being guarantor for her new place...

She's never asked me to be guarantor. This is the first I've heard of any if it, I've had no emails, don't know anything about the portal.

Apparently if I don't do it by the end of today, she's got nowhere to live Hmm She was breathtakingly rude to me on the phone and I'm really pissed off.

Anyway. My point is this. Am I the only parent of dc this age that thinks they are a generation of selfish, entitled little shits? Are they all like this? Me and my mum shouted at each other for a couple of years until I left home, but we had a good relationship after that and still do.

I just don't know how to deal with her. I love her madly, we used to be so close, and then around 17/18 it all changed. I foolishly thought I'd got away with it because she was still lovely as a 15 year old....

How do I deal with this? I don't want to alienate her any more than I have already, but she treats me horribly a lot of the time, and I don't want to put up with it.

OP posts:
Gillian1980 · 29/08/2018 14:35

Although many students need parents as guarantors, it’s not necessary for all properties.

I never had them as guarantor and lived in 3 private rental students properties, then 4 different shared houses post-uni until buying a place.

My brother and sister (19 & 21) are both in uni currently and both in private rentals, 1 in shared house through letting agency, 1 in halls through a national chain. Neither have parents (or anyone) as guarantors.

Your dd needs to shop around more for somewhere suitable that doesn’t require a guarantor. Though she’s left it too late to change now I expect and is going to struggle.

She sounds rude and should have asked you before she started looking. She’s an adult and shouldn’t assume he’ll without checking.

MereDintofPandiculation · 29/08/2018 14:36

My son needed me to be guarantor, and, as is normal, to not just rent but also damage.

Before signing, I obtained landlord's agreement to insert two clauses 1) to limit my liability to his share of the rent only 2) to limit my liability to damage caused by him with an upper limit on what I was prepared to pay.

PlatypusPie · 29/08/2018 14:38

When you say you can’t afford it, OP, do you mean you think she will default on the rent ? That is the only circumstance whereby you would have to pay anything and it would only be for her rent, not others in halls, or flat share or house share. Is there anyone else who could act as guarantor for her ? They’d didn’t ask any salary details but did run a standard credit check as I recall.

I think this is something else that needs to be included in any university financial preparation advice from schools/ 6th form colleges, along with the usual loan/ bursary info.

MereDintofPandiculation · 29/08/2018 14:38

There was no way I was going to be de facto guarantor to a bunch of young men I'd never met. Also I suspected I was the least impoverished of the parents involved, and anyone making a claim is going head for where they're most likely to get the money, ie to the richest of the guarantors.

HeckyPeck · 29/08/2018 14:40

I don’t see how you could sign OP. You couldn’t afford to pay her rent if she missed it. What effect would that have on the other child in your household?

I’d investigate the companies a PP mentioned that charge a fee to guarantor peoples rent.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/08/2018 14:40

I think you should do it. Sod how she’s been. Sign the thing. Then deal with the behaviour. Perhaps write a letter adult to adult to her explaining your feelings and concerns for your relationship.

EdisonLightBulb · 29/08/2018 14:40

I think an awful lot of this generation are very entitled. I have put two through university and occasionally we have the odd entitled conversation but we just knock them back.

If this is a continuous problem you need to sit her down and talk to her, tell her it isn't acceptable any longer and you won't put up with it.

Likely she will sulk a day or two then hopefully see the sense.

With regard to being a guarantor, this is a funny one where students are concerned. I was never a guarantor for DD either in halls or private let until she went into her first professional let this year then I was presented with a request to be a guarantor, despite her having an excellent credit rating and earning a good starting salary.

I was asked to be a guarantor for only 1 of the 2 private lets DS had as a student and not his halls. The guarantor was only for the rent though and not damages. I knew the rent would be paid because I paid it from his student loan.

Hoozz · 29/08/2018 14:40

Remind me.......... while propping up the baby boomers triple lock gold plated pensions. Not to mention the housing crisis coming down the track. Lets not forget they have no choice but to live their entire lives in debt permanently and will never ever be able to even dream of retirement.Yeah I would be fucked off too. But hey lets keep giving out those free bus passes to wealthy pensioners in Spain and fuel allowances

Shock.
That's pretty much the nastiest most prejudiced post I've ever seen on MN. You blame the troubles of the entire world on the OP simply because she is old enough to have an adult child. Never mind that she earns minimum wage, has young children and struggles financially. Imagine if that post had been about race, religion or gender rather than age.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/08/2018 14:41

Oh gosh sorry I somehow missed all of the page explaining your financial situation. Sad

MereDintofPandiculation · 29/08/2018 14:41

When you say you can’t afford it, OP, do you mean you think she will default on the rent ? That is the only circumstance whereby you would have to pay anything and it would only be for her rent, not others in halls, or flat share or house share. Not necessarily true. For house shares it's quite common to put in the agreement that the guarantor signs that they are guaranteeing any shortfall in rent (not just your own child's share) and for any damage, without upper limit.

HeckyPeck · 29/08/2018 14:41

That is the only circumstance whereby you would have to pay anything and it would only be for her rent, not others in halls, or flat share or house share

That’s not always the case - a lot of the agreements have you liable for the whole rent!

Aeroflotgirl · 29/08/2018 14:43

Make sure that if you do agree to be gurantor, you know exactly what you are signing and there is a contract, that it is just for your dd share, not the other housemates. As she has been so rude, i would make her grovel to you, apologise and ask you nicely or I would not do it.

Original poster
PhaedrasChocolate · 29/08/2018 14:43

Sorry I know I'm not answering loads of questions, I'm trying!

I just feel sad sometimes that she's become someone I would never have expected her to. Does that make sense? She hasn't seen her dad since she was 7. I've been her only constant, and we used to be very close. It's just different now, and it makes me sad.

The guarantor thing, whilst a massive pain in my arse, is really a red herring.

OP posts:
bigKiteFlying · 29/08/2018 14:43

When you say you can’t afford it, OP, do you mean you think she will default on the rent ? That is the only circumstance whereby you would have to pay anything and it would only be for her rent, not others in halls, or flat share or house share.

Surely that depends on what is being signed, damage and other rent in shared houses could be in there, and OP has been given no information.

bigbluebus · 29/08/2018 14:45

As the more sensible and clearly knowledgable previous posters have already said, being guarantor for student DC in private rented accomodation is standard practice now. Only when they are in Uni owned Halls do you not have to guarantee the rent.

We guarantee DS's accomodation - but we only guarantee HIS contract for HIS room - not the whole 4 bedded house. We make him pay the rent out of his student loan - so 1/3 loan comes in and 1/3 rent goes out within 2 weeks - giving him minimal time to spend all his money. That way we are as sure as we can be that the rent is paid (all set up by Standing order on the account the student loan is paid into - which is separate to his day to day living account). It is very difficult to get student accomodation outside of the Uni without a guarantor don't get me started on DH agreeing to be guarantor (without telling me) for a friend's DD as her parents could do it due to their financial circumstances

I feel your pain OP. My DS takes forever to do any jobs I ask him to do but then wants me to drop everything and do things for him immediately when he has cocked up and not given me enough notice. And I too have been the strict parent who tried to teach him organisational skills along the way!

Never be rushed into signing a guarantee without reading 1) the guarantee and 2) the rental agreement. SOme will ask you to guarantee the whole flat rental - so everyone else's share too - even though the rental agent will be seeking guarantees from their parents too. Totally unecessary and unrealistic in my opinion but a lot of these agencies behave like sharks so will chance their arm. My experience in this is that the agency do not check up on the integrity of the guarantor or their ability to pay if the tenant does not. They just want a signature/person to take to court if necessary. Do you trust your DD to pay the rent? I assume she must have a job if she has been able to afford to live away from home over the summer?

needyourlovingtouch · 29/08/2018 14:45

I think that's normalish from a lot of 21 year olds! My brother was certainly like that ten years ago. She will grow up a bit more and appreciate you in the future. Please don't alienate her. Do it but speak to her and explain you felt she was a little abrupt.

bigbluebus · 29/08/2018 14:46
crimsonlake · 29/08/2018 14:46

Of course you need to be the guarantor for your student daughter, who else should do it? It is not an unreasonable request, but sadly typical of a student who leaves things until last minute then expects you to come to the rescue and jump through hoops.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 29/08/2018 14:48

Pmsl @ Rachel. Are you the dd?

OP, if you are evrn thinking about this, check the tenancy. 'Joint and severally liable' means that if any tenant defaults, the other tenants are legally liable and therefore so are their guarantors. The landlord will go after whichever one they think they can most easily get the money out of!
I have done this for my student dc, but I was not at all comfortable. I will be doing it again for ds1, who is starting work but doesn't have 6 months of rent saved up to pay in advance. It's a very unfair system, where our dc are legally adult but other adults are expected to cover their finances. Go over that contract with a fine toothed comb!

Tbh, if my dd spoke to me like shit, I would consider it more important to teach her to be respectful, than to sort out her house. She will treat you how you allow yourself to be treated, so time to draw a line in the sand. In your shoes, I'd say no, with the offer of returning home, so long as she can keep a civil tongue in her head.

MereDintofPandiculation · 29/08/2018 14:49

I've been her only constant, and we used to be very close. It's just different now, and it makes me sad. It's a phase. She's in the final stages of becoming fully independent, and over-stating her independence. Just like toddlers pick fights over small things to test boundaries, and teenagers reject everything that their parents value in their attempt to show they can make up their own minds about who they are. When she's confident in her independence, she'll be able to treat you as another independent adult. But she does need to be told that her behaviour is unacceptable, just as you would if this had been another adult relative.

TheFairyCaravan · 29/08/2018 14:50

We, well DH because I don’t work, was a guarantor for DS2’s student let for last 2 years. We were only liable for his rent not his housemates’. We did know that unless there were extreme circumstances that he would always pay his rent. He worked every spare hour he had, never had a full holiday because he worked at least half of it and saved a lot of his wages.

He’s not got an entitled attitude and neither does DS1.

ilovesooty · 29/08/2018 14:57

I don't see how the OP can reasonably sign as a guarantor given her financial situation.

@deepsea that post is vile and unnecessary.

diddl · 29/08/2018 14:57

Supposing it's just for rent Op, what is she going to do to ensure the liklihood of you never having to pay?

How many years has she already done at Uni & how has she been with money?

EthelThePiratesDaughter · 29/08/2018 15:00

OP, check the paperwork and make sure you're not signing up to be liable for any other person's share of the rent. As long as it's limited to just your daughter's rent, just sign the damn thing.

Let her sweat for a few hours if you must, and certainly have words with her about her attitude, but this is the wrong thing to make a stand about.

HeckyPeck · 29/08/2018 15:02

As long as it's limited to just your daughter's rent, just sign the damn thing

OP can’t afford to do this. If the daughter defaults OP and the other dependant children would be stuffed.

The DD isn’t more important than the dependant children