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AIBU?

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Original poster

Bloody entitled grown up children!

327 replies

PhaedrasChocolate · 29/08/2018 13:50

May very well get lambasted for this, but i need to vent.

I have a 21 year old dd. She is currently transferring to a different university as she hated her course last year. She's been staying with her bf all summer, she doesn't live with me.

I woke this morning to a WhatsApp telling me I need to hurry up and log on to some student accommodation portal and accept being guarantor for her new place...

She's never asked me to be guarantor. This is the first I've heard of any if it, I've had no emails, don't know anything about the portal.

Apparently if I don't do it by the end of today, she's got nowhere to live Hmm She was breathtakingly rude to me on the phone and I'm really pissed off.

Anyway. My point is this. Am I the only parent of dc this age that thinks they are a generation of selfish, entitled little shits? Are they all like this? Me and my mum shouted at each other for a couple of years until I left home, but we had a good relationship after that and still do.

I just don't know how to deal with her. I love her madly, we used to be so close, and then around 17/18 it all changed. I foolishly thought I'd got away with it because she was still lovely as a 15 year old....

How do I deal with this? I don't want to alienate her any more than I have already, but she treats me horribly a lot of the time, and I don't want to put up with it.

OP posts:
WeaselsRising · 29/08/2018 15:10

When did this guarantor thing start then, as people are saying it's normal? We had 3 kids go to university in the early 2000s and didn't have to do that for any of them.

We did agree to guarantee DS1's car loan. While we understood we were liable if he defaulted (he didn't), what we didn't realise is that financially speaking it was counted as our loan. When we needed a loan ourselves we were turned down because they considered we were "over committed" credit wise, taking his £200 a month into account.

We've had to say to the rest of our DC that unfortunately we just can't afford to be guarantors for anything in future. Not very fair when we did it for one, but we didn't realise at the time.

Presumably the same applies if you act as guarantor for rent?

Sophiesdog11 · 29/08/2018 15:11

I think if you can’t afford to do it then you have to tell her that – although if she has been living away, why doesn’t she try and get someone else to be guarantor?

I do feel sympathy for you attitude-wise – my DD is 18 and still has a lot of moments, although I think it is generally down to her asserting her independence and as that develops and I back off more and more, our relationship is improving. She is not going uni in near future, so hopefully will be more mature if/when she does. DS is almost 21 and never any trouble as a teen – there is definitely more attitude now, but again I think mainly him asserting his independence.

It is hard, as they do still need us in so many ways, but I am rapidly learning to leave them be and let them come and ask for help. Neither are entitled, but do still need a hand hold sometimes.

DS has finished second year and now on a placement year. We didn’t need to guarantee his second year house from memory but I guaranteed his house for this year – which is jointly and severely. But, he and his housemates all have placements together at a niche and prominent employer, on a good salary, so I can’t see any dropping out, unless for something serious like illness. I know I can trust him, he is very organised, and we can afford to pay up if we had to (as can the other parents). It is a risk, but hopefully a low one given that they are all working.

He will be going into private halls with friends when he returns to uni next Sept so I am guessing we will be asked to guarantee him alone, when he does the application later this term.

Original poster
PhaedrasChocolate · 29/08/2018 15:12

I honestly don't care about the odd shitty comment from posters, nobody can hurt me like when can, so do your worst.

To the vast majority who have been really supportive and practical, thanks so much.

It's just difficult. I'd give her the world if I had it, but I don't. She has grown up struggling for money, although I've always worked, so I struggle with understanding how she can be like this. It confounds me.

OP posts:
EthelThePiratesDaughter · 29/08/2018 15:13

If the daughter defaults OP and the other dependant children would be stuffed.

The daughter will have to understand that she must not default then.

Original poster
PhaedrasChocolate · 29/08/2018 15:13

Like *she can

OP posts:
GaspingGekko · 29/08/2018 15:17

When I look back to how I treated my parents at that age I cringe. I never intended to be rude but I probably assumed, rather than asked, things of them. I honestly wish they had just told me how cheeky I was being and how I should have approached it instead - it would have helped me grow up a lot.
Unfortunately, even to this day, my DM will just be annoyed but never share why or about what.
YANBU to be annoyed at the way she is treating you, but it's just another phase of growing up, you need to let her know how her behaviour is unacceptable.

Motoko · 29/08/2018 15:21

Of course you need to be the guarantor for your student daughter, who else should do it?

OP probably wouldn't be accepted as a guarantor, even if she did agree. You're posting this from a position of privilege, try to remember that there are many people who simply can't act as guarantor for their children, no matter how much they wish they could.

Juells · 29/08/2018 15:24

I certainly cannot afford to be guarantor. I work a minimum wage night shift job,

Absolutely not, then.

And Flowers There's no-one who can hurt us more than our own stroppy child :(

Hoozz · 29/08/2018 15:25

It might be worth posting on the Higher Education board specifically about the guarantor question. Lots of posters on there who have student DC and experience.

I'm not sure what checks they make for guarantors. I only remember signing a document. Clearly you couldn't pay the rent if she de-faulted, though I suspect the same might be true for lots of hard up parents who sign the form and hope for the best.

As to your relationship with your DD. Your posts on here show your unhappiness and love for your DD does she know how hurt you are by her attitude? Could you talk to her face to face? WhatsApp and crisis phone calls aren't the best way forward.

HRTpatch · 29/08/2018 15:25

Sympathies OP.
My dd has thrown a huge strop because my financial circumstances have changed so her generous bursary won't be happening this year. And it is all my fault apparently.

Juells · 29/08/2018 15:26

it's just another phase of growing up

TBH I'd consider 21 grown up.

haverhill · 29/08/2018 15:28

deepsea, the OP is 49 I understand, and therefore not a baby boomer. She has years of working ahead of her, and how the hell do you know what her pension arrangements are on her minimum wage job?
Not that it matters anyway, but this knee jerk whinging about older generations messing everything up and then living the life of Reilly is such reductive shite.

Peartree17 · 29/08/2018 15:31

Phaedra, I have been distressed by the change in my 17 year old lad over the last year, and it is ongoing (although some of the heat has gone out of it, mostly because I've become reconciled to not being able to control or change matters at this point). I found the book Get out of my life! - but first take me and Alex into town helpful and even funny about what was going on. But - I will be seriously upset if some of the stupid, impulsive, irritating behaviour and general can't-be-told-anything attitude hasn't shifted by the age of 21. Sounds like your daughter's extended period in education has prolonged her adolescence. Does she have a job? I've found that getting a weekend job has helped my son grow up a bit.
On the guarantor - obviously you need to limit your liability to your daughter's rent only. And if she misses out on this accommodation while you negotiate that provision, tough, she'll have to look again and learn the penalty of not being better organised. But if backing from you is the only way she is going to get accommodation, what else can you do? WHere has she got the money for a deposit (if that's relevant)?

But I would use the opportunity to talk to her and spell out, adult to adult, what your income is, who is relying upon you and that it is absolutely critical that she pays her rent on the dot and goes without other stuff to do this, if need be.

HeckyPeck · 29/08/2018 15:31

The daughter will have to understand that she must not default then.

No, she’ll have to understand that her mum isn’t able to afford to be a guarantor and find one elsewhere.

Fairenuff · 29/08/2018 15:32

I wouldn't sign it. I don't do favours for people who are rude to me.

Both of my dc understood that from a very early age. Manners cost nothing. She is behaving like that because she thinks she can.

gamerchick · 29/08/2018 15:32

You're posting this from a position of privilege

As are a few people on this thread. Some people can't afford that shit. Simple as that.

Shell have to find somewhere else.

Peartree17 · 29/08/2018 15:33

Juells, I used to consider 21 grown-up - certainly I'd have been highly miffed if anyone had suggested I wasn't grown up at that age! But apparently the brain continues with its adolescent chemical changes and adaptations up to 25 or thereabouts. Joyful thought!

anniehm · 29/08/2018 15:38

Mine aren't like that - I think you need to talk properly face to face. However it's normal to need a guarantor, refusing could result in her being homeless.

RamblingFar · 29/08/2018 15:38

I'm not sure that some posters realise that without a guarantor, she probably won't be able to find somewhere to rent in her town. I'm sure there are exceptions in some places, but most student rentals will require one. If she can't rely on her family, where does she find a guarantor from then?

My parent's weren't happy about signing mine nearly 20 years ago, but all my properties required one and even after uni I required various guarantor signatures as a granduate for the first few years. Obviously I never defalted on any of the agreements, but I really would have struggled to get by without being able to use my parents.

HeckyPeck · 29/08/2018 15:41

There are companies that act as guarantors for a fee

Tinkobell · 29/08/2018 15:48

I think you need to have a face to face with your DC. Why on earth has she been living with the BF all summer long? Is she working and able to pay the BF some rent?
I feel there's a whole lot more to this story than the opening thread indicates OP. It could be she can't continue at Uni without accom. I think that will be a bit of a silly thing to deny her despite your clearly very bitter feelings towards your darling daughter. In this situation I think you've got act like the adult and not sulk on the other end of WhatsApp, give her a call to come round for a chat if she wants something material from you in this way.

EthelThePiratesDaughter · 29/08/2018 15:49

No, she’ll have to understand that her mum isn’t able to afford to be a guarantor and find one elsewhere.

Who would be a guarantor for someone else's child, FFS?

diddl · 29/08/2018 15:50

"I'm not sure that some posters realise that without a guarantor, she probably won't be able to find somewhere to rent in her town."

I'm sure they do-but if Op can't afford to be a guarantor then she can't.

Perhaps her daughter could have saved a couple of months rent to give Op, or have looked at halls?

Tbh we could afford this, but the last minute demand & rudeness would make saying no very temptiong.

HeckyPeck · 29/08/2018 15:50

Who would be a guarantor for someone else's child, FFS?

There are companies that do it for a fee.

Tinkobell · 29/08/2018 15:53

You say you love her madly....but if you go calling her an entitled selfish little shit, it's not really laying the foundations for anything better is it? If you haven't seen her all summer sounds like things couldn't be much worse could they?

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