To ask if anyone has married for security rather than sexual chemistry?

[Springinglover]

Due to be married in May.

Been together 6.5 years, I met him off the back of a horrible relationship (with 2 years prior to that just dating and never meeting anyone I liked) and honestly, he was like breath of fresh air. There were no games, he just knew he liked me and that was that.

He was (is) kind, good looking, good career, solvent, moral etc etc and we had/ have a nice time together.

But for me, even at the beginning I never really felt the chemistry with him that I have with others. I absolutely adore him and we actually have a really nice life, but we don’t have loads in common and sometimes, I get home from a long day and after 30 mins or so, we almost run out of conversation.

I said yes immediately when he proposed due to him being good looking, kind and just absolutely amazing in nearly every way. But I’m starting to have doubts I want to daydream about HIM, not old flames. I want to be gagging for sex with HIM. (I’m not, we do have an okay sex life, he’s totally unselfish in bed and I always orgasm, but lately I’ve just no enthusiasm for it)

I have a habit of self sabotaging my life, I’m wondering whether this is my way of doing that. I just always imagined I’d marry someone who I’d NEVER run out of convo with, who I could sit and talk to for hours, all the time. I imagined I’d marry someone who makes me die laughing regularly. He doesn’t. We do have laughs, sometimes of the proper belly variety, but in general, his personality isn’t really the same as mine and I have to say I don’t find him as ‘funny’ as previous partners, who were all quite dry and quick witted.

Pros- He’s lovely, would do anything for anyone, is kind, good looking, loves children (would make a great father), solvent, good with money, v good career and always wants the best for me and supports me entirely.

Cons- there’s never been the sexual chemistry that I’ve had with others, we run out of convo unless we’ve both had really busy/ interesting days/ nights, he’s not as social as me, he’s a lot more laid back than me which sometimes winds me up, I just don’t really feel ‘fulfilled’ by him His family drive me up the wall!

Would I be making a mistake by marrying him? Would he be making a mistake marrying me? Has anyone else married for security and a ‘nice and kind’ husband, rather than the one who made them die laughing and had good sexual chemistry with?!

I just feel so confused

I didn't marry for either. I married because I love him. Do you love him?

Dont do it. I did and regret it, its a long time to say you'll live life without a good sex ljfelife.

However I wanted kids and a man who was calm and kind and I cant ever unwish them. If you have time then dont do it and look elsewhere.

In my experience, once you have kids your marriage becomes more like a small non-profit business with two employees. You want someone who does their share, pays their way, helps you out and gives you a bit of time off. You rarely go out together because one of you has the kids while the other has a break. It’s more about taking care of each other and being with someone who has your back. Chemistry is irrelevant - what’s important is whether you think he’ll look after you if you’re dying of cancer etc.

I think it’s normal to have doubts but you really need to think about whether you feel like you’d be settling or whether you can really see yourself making big decisons with him, or with him in your old age.

FWIW I love my DH, and we have a good sexual relationship, but our wedding wasn’t arranged for romantic reasons.

It seems to me that your relationship lacks the very things that are key to longevity in a marriage. Looks fade and sex drives come and go but it’s the general compatibility, humour and similarity in outlook that my husband and I share that makes us feel like a real partnership and I believe will continue to cement our relationship through stressful times.

Having said that there are a lot of shits out there and it sounds like you could do a hell of a lot worse. Maybe you could try engaging a bit more with what each of you are interested in?

If you marry him it removes his chance of being with someone who is in love with him.

Yes, I do premier, I love him very much. It’s hard to not love him as he’s one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met. However, I’m not convinced that I’m IN love with him, or ever really have been

We went away this weekend, it was a 2 house drive to where we were staying and as horrible as it sounds, I was dreading the car journey as I knew we wouldn’t have a lot to talk about. He has bouts of working from home which he did all last week and so he didn’t see anyone. He doesn’t have any hobbies anymore (which is a big factor in things I think as I’m a very busy person with a few interests/ hobbies) so I knew he just hadn’t really done anything or seen anyone all week so what would he really have to talk about? I just feel it’s always me having to make the conversation as I seem to have the most to talk about as I’m busier/ more sociable.

I wouldn't marry him.

You're not being fair to him - there will be a woman out there who will fancy the knickers off him and find him funny and smart and interesting.

Don't settle because you think you should. If you go ahead and marry him, you may find your head being turned by someone else, someone like one of your ex's - and then your life will be truly messed up.

I did...im divorcing him now.
Before my only relationship had been a DV one, it was amazing to feel safe and loved.
We never had a decent sex life due to lack of chemistry (on my part, and i feel bad about this) which lead to him escaping into porn in a big way..which wasn't for me (he knew i was repelled by it) leading to less sex and more porn for him. We ended up with him not being able to stay hard and sex was him lying next to me wanking and saying lines out of a shit porno. If i tried talking to him about it he'd just say it was it was my fault for not shagging him more.
We tried counselling but it didn't help.
He remains a lovely kind man but not for me.
I guess it depends on what your priorities are in a relationship. The shit sex wouldn't bother some people.
I really regret it now and feel like i did him wrong.

I can't answer your specific case OP, but I can say I've been with my OH for 20+ years (we decided not to marry) and I still fancy him and we have never run out of things to say to each other.

Our hobbies "fit", I love travel and walking he loves photography so we do that together. We like watching documentaries, we both work in IT (we did the same degree in computer science which is how we met). We have the same standard of hygeine (v clean!) and that's important to us, same approach to finance, same approach to parenting.. personally if we ran out of things to do/say together I'd be concerned.

It depends.

Do you want kids?
How old are you?
Do you miss him when you’re apart?
If you left him and never met anyone else would you regret if?

Sorry I know that wasn’t the answer to your question but to the more implicit one of should you marry him!

It might be worth exploring exactly what kind of security you'll actually gain by getting married.

I get home from a long day and after 30 mins or so, we almost run out of conversation.

Out of the whole of your post, this was what stuck out as a huge red flag to me.

As a pp said, some things come and go but humour and the ability to talk endlessly to each other are pretty important. If you’re having so many doubts, I would hold off getting married and have a conversation with him about all of this first.

It wouldn’t be fair on either of you to get married.

People do it for all manner of reasons and some work and some don’t but you don’t find him interesting. Put yourself a year, 5, 10 into the future. Do you see him by your side making you happy, feel hopeful, cherished? Do you see yourself bored, irritated, dissatisfied, lonely?

I think this is far more common than a lot of people would admit to and in many parts of the world marriage is exactly this. We've been fed this notion that we can all find and marry a soul mate but this is similar to the notion that we can all find our dream job. I have friends who are very pragmatic and view relationships as a tick box exercise (ie finding a partner who's good on paper).

BUT that's not to say that you should marry this man. Only you know if you can live with the type of relationship you have. If you're dreading spending time with him that's a pretty bad sign, much more so than underwhelming sex.

My best friend did. It's a bloody disaster. Plodding along with the most boring man alive, washing her best years (And his) waiting until the dc grow up so they can inevitably separate. She felt like you before hand. Even on the .morning of the wedding she knew deep down she shouldn't do it but in her eyes he hadn't 'done' anything to justify calling it all off.

If you feel like this now, I suspect it will be impossible to keep up the relationship if you have kids.

It’s made our relationship more of a challenge. Sometimes I think the main thing that keeps it going is our sexual chemistry. The fact that we still have sex, that we want to, keeps our relationship alive. Having said that, I don’t fantasise about DH, but I think that’s because we’ve been together for 20 years and we know each other too well.
As for having things to talk about, that is what has suffered because of having kids. We’re often too wrapped up in their demands. But when we do have the odd night out together we have a good time and enjoy each other’s company 90% of the time. We are good friends.

The thing is, we have things to talk about when we’re both busy and active etc, but for the last year he’s been focusing on getting a promotion and so hasn’t had time to do his hobbies and has cut down on his socialising etc so I’ve noticed more and more that he doesn’t really have any conversation because he doesn’t DO anything. If all you do is work and nothing else, or sit around at home, where is the conversation to be had from that?! Don’t get me wrong, we do just sit and chat shit sometimes, but you can’t do that all the time.

The sex isn’t crap btw, he’s the best ‘shag’ I’ve ever had, when we first started having sex I thought I’d struck gold as I’d never orgasmed through sex with anyone else before But even so, I’ve never properly desired him sexually.

The trouble is, and the thing that is confusing me. Am I chasing something that doesn’t exist? I have no doubt that people DO find their ‘soulmate’ the one that ticks every box, amazing sex, chemistry, make each other die laughing etc but finding that is so hard. I’m in my 30’s, I have a couple of single friends at the moment, who, despite having really good careers, good lives, are miserable because they’re eternally single and dating is so hard nowadays. I look at them and thank god for my gorgeous, kind, loyal fiancée and wonder why the fuck I can’t just be happy?!

Sometimes relationships that are passionate and exciting aren’t full of love- it depends on what you really want. I bloody hate my partner half the time but I’m never bored of him and I loathe being away from him for too long. We always have conversation even though sometimes he bores me with a subject- if he does then I just tell him. A good relationship is one where you can be completely natural and even be a bit of an arsehole to each other but you know you still love each other. Do you ever argue? Or are you both trying to be too perfect?

One of the things I love about dh is that we don't feel like we have to have non-stop conversations. Don't thing it's realistic when you see someone every day. We catch up on the day, have a laugh and then he listens to music and I read. Don't need to, or want to, know every detail of his day or what he's thinking every second.
After six years we can 'talk' with a look. I don't need to fill the silence. I appreciate it.

That said I'm a teacher so talk all bloody day! Lol

Absolutely do not marry him unless you're happy with the sex life you have..because once you have kids, it won't be improving for a long time, and you have to make those children too.

And if you have nothing to discuss in a two hour car journey to the point you are dreading it (rather than being happy in peaceful silence), be honest with yourself: this is going to be your life.

Some people will view these things as a necessary trade off for security. As someone who is getting divorced I because these things have disappeared from my marriage I can tell you it's not worth it, because nothing is worth it.

Search on mumsnet about sexless marriages, there are some threads, because that's the direction you're heading, and I promise that if you have a job/career you don't need him for security.

Or go and get some therapy together to work on communication..but I'm not sure you can get a spark where there is none.

X post.

Is this only a recent thing? Why has his promotion meant he's stopped his hobbies? I'd be more worried about that. Is he exhausted, depressed, anxious? A change in life style usually indicates something underlying that change.

I think the sex is a red herring.
Do you just chit chat? Like endlessly waffle on about nothing?
Having nothing to say to someone is a big worry. Imagine if you were both bed bound and in your 90s do you think you would enjoy his company? Just want to talk to?

You can fill your life with kids and work and doing up the house and sorting the car and seeing inlaws and all the day to day stuff.

But could you sit in a field and talk about the clouds for no reason.

I think that’s my benchmark.