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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if anyone has married for security rather than sexual chemistry?

270 replies

Springinglover · 27/08/2018 19:13

Due to be married in May.

Been together 6.5 years, I met him off the back of a horrible relationship (with 2 years prior to that just dating and never meeting anyone I liked) and honestly, he was like breath of fresh air. There were no games, he just knew he liked me and that was that.

He was (is) kind, good looking, good career, solvent, moral etc etc and we had/ have a nice time together.

But for me, even at the beginning I never really felt the chemistry with him that I have with others. I absolutely adore him and we actually have a really nice life, but we don’t have loads in common and sometimes, I get home from a long day and after 30 mins or so, we almost run out of conversation.

I said yes immediately when he proposed due to him being good looking, kind and just absolutely amazing in nearly every way. But I’m starting to have doubts Sad I want to daydream about HIM, not old flames. I want to be gagging for sex with HIM. (I’m not, we do have an okay sex life, he’s totally unselfish in bed and I always orgasm, but lately I’ve just no enthusiasm for it)

I have a habit of self sabotaging my life, I’m wondering whether this is my way of doing that. I just always imagined I’d marry someone who I’d NEVER run out of convo with, who I could sit and talk to for hours, all the time. I imagined I’d marry someone who makes me die laughing regularly. He doesn’t. We do have laughs, sometimes of the proper belly variety, but in general, his personality isn’t really the same as mine and I have to say I don’t find him as ‘funny’ as previous partners, who were all quite dry and quick witted.

Pros- He’s lovely, would do anything for anyone, is kind, good looking, loves children (would make a great father), solvent, good with money, v good career and always wants the best for me and supports me entirely.

Cons- there’s never been the sexual chemistry that I’ve had with others, we run out of convo unless we’ve both had really busy/ interesting days/ nights, he’s not as social as me, he’s a lot more laid back than me which sometimes winds me up, I just don’t really feel ‘fulfilled’ by him Sad His family drive me up the wall!

Would I be making a mistake by marrying him? Would he be making a mistake marrying me? Has anyone else married for security and a ‘nice and kind’ husband, rather than the one who made them die laughing and had good sexual chemistry with?!

I just feel so confused Sad

OP posts:
Nuffaluff · 27/08/2018 19:43

Do you really not fancy him at all? I wouldn’t be able to relax enough to orgasm if I didn’t fancy my husband.
It would be a turn off.

SwearingMakesEverythingBetter · 27/08/2018 19:43

Do you like him?
Do you have the same values?
Do you work together as a team?

Unromantic as it sounds, those things are pretty bloody important in the long run.

GreenPimpernel · 27/08/2018 19:43

You’re fundamentally incompatible if you’re struggling for conversation. That’s the big red flag in your posts. I do know people who have married without being in love, because they were in their late 30s and wanted to have children, and found themselves seeing decent, solvent, attractive men who also wanted a family — and so far it seems to be working — but don’t think they would have dreaded enforced proximity because of lack of conversation.

Crim · 27/08/2018 19:43

I think by 'security' OP is probably referring to finding someone she can trust and rely on and who'd be a good father as opposed to financial security?

Frankwindsor · 27/08/2018 19:44

I married for security and it has suited me. But then again I think I'm a bit odd because even with previous partners who I've initially fancied like mad, I stopped fancying after a year or so.

My marriage does work because I honestly respect him and I try to be reasonable and try to keep the worst of my moods to myself. As I said though, I guess it's just me, because I think I am odd in some ways.

Anyway, there's a whole range of reasons why people get married and security isn't the worst reason, in my book.

crispysausagerolls · 27/08/2018 19:49

If you dread a 2 hour car journey with him, you should not marry him! Life is much longer than 2 hours and you should be with someone who you are excited about spending time with. And in fairness to him, he deserves someone who wants to spend time with him!

Original poster
Springinglover · 27/08/2018 19:50

Swearing- Yes to all of those. I like him, we have the same values and we work well together as a team.

I don’t dread spending time with him, perhaps I wordered it wrongly. I dreaded the car journey the other day as we’d seen each other all week, he hadn’t done anything all week, we’d kind of caught up on what we both had to share so I was kind of thinking ‘what now for 2 hours?’ He ended up putting an audio book on in the car (which wasn’t my cup of tea) and I ended up going on my phone for the majority of the journey. It wasn’t uncomfortable, or unpleasant, but I was imagining ‘dream’ couples who would sit and chat and laugh the 2 hour journey away and just felt sad. Then felt like I was, again, just creating problems where perhaps there isn’t any.

OP posts:
Chocolate50 · 27/08/2018 19:51

I wouldn't marry for any other reason other than I want yo spend my life with that person & because I love them. Honestly you might be okish with this lovely guy but it doesn't sound like you're ready to marry anyone. And I don't want to sound harsh but you and him deserve the best lover, partner & friend. Don't let him or yourself settle for anything else, its not fair on this guy or you for that matter. Honestly its soul destroying, you will be cheating yourself & him of someone you both deserve.
Learn to be on your own if you have to for a bit, it will make you stronger. You don't need to be with someone just because ots safe or because he's nice, give yourself a break...

user1483390742 · 27/08/2018 19:51

Does it always have to be about fantastic sex?
What about people who choose not to have sex before marriage?
What about those who have arranged marriages?
These people often grow into their love and have long successful marriages. Is that not worth thinking about if OP says she loves him?

MadMaryBoddington · 27/08/2018 19:52

Life isn’t a Hollywood movie. Sexual chemistry/passion wains, especially when kids come along. I’d be very careful of throwing away quiet, contented love in favour of chasing a dream of fireworks. Nobody is perfect.

But, if you don’t love him, you probably shouldn’t marry him. Only you know in your heart of hearts.

Perhaps you need some time away from him to see if you miss him? Perhaps a week’s holiday with friends would help sort out how you feel?

NameChangedNow · 27/08/2018 19:52

I would marry him.

fourquenelles · 27/08/2018 19:52

I just always imagined I’d marry someone who I’d NEVER run out of convo with, who I could sit and talk to for hours, all the time. I imagined I’d marry someone who makes me die laughing regularly. He doesn’t. We do have laughs, sometimes of the proper belly variety, but in general, his personality isn’t really the same as mine and I have to say I don’t find him as ‘funny’ as previous partners, who were all quite dry and quick witted.

You sound like you could be exhausting! As a PP has said, yakking away all the time does not a good relationship make.
Previous partners may have been dry and quick witted but they are just that - previous partners. If they had been right for you you would still be with one of them.
You do come across on the surface as a bit of a princess. I think you are right when you say you are looking for something that doesn't exist. No actually it DOES exist but what it is is that short term hormone fueled lust. This can burn out very quickly and if the OH has few of your OH's qualities to fall back on you could be stuck with someone who bores the pants off you.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 27/08/2018 19:52

I think you can go with your heart or your head. Only you know which you’ll regret not doing. FWIW my best friend married the sensible choice and 15 years on they’re happy enough, have kids, seen fine. He definitely doesn’t set her world on fire and never has but she never says she wants to leave.

Disfordarkchocolate · 27/08/2018 19:52

As you know that you sometimes self sabotage perhaps it would be worth spending the next six months working on a shared hobby. On the surface I'm quite different from my partner but we have some shared interests that we both enjoy and plan to do more of as we get older. This would give you time together and something to talk about.

Original poster
Springinglover · 27/08/2018 19:55

Also, the sex thing... sorry to drip feed but I’ve had a fair few long term boyfriends and without doubt, every single one of them I’ve stopped finding as sexually attractive after about 18 months- 2 years. It surprises me that I’m still having regular sex with this one as I’ve always totally gone off sex after 2 years and literally ‘grinned and beared it’ once every 6 months in the last year or so of my other relationships. Whereas, with this one I do actually enjoy it once I’m doing it, but I NEVER want it first. I can’t put that on DP though because this is what I’ve been like with all my exes, so clearly it’s me that’s the problem.

OP posts:
MingeUterusMingeMingeYoni · 27/08/2018 19:56

That you've very little to say to each other worries me more than you not being completely overcome with desire for him. The latter might not have to be a deal breaker if you're both still enjoying the sex you have, but I don't see how the former isn't.

bulletdodger · 27/08/2018 19:56

What you have, OP, is what I would like because it sounds pretty good, to me.
Why don't you talk to him? If he's a lovely as he sounds he'll want to know and to try and work it out with you.

SwearingMakesEverythingBetter · 27/08/2018 19:58

I'd think carefully before you chuck this away.
DH and I have largely different hobbies and we are both fairly quiet - we often have evenings where we both sit and read! This isn't a problem for us. Is it for you? Or do you just feel it should be? We've been together 16years and are very happy!

lowtide · 27/08/2018 19:59

Do you think of him as your friend

Original poster
Springinglover · 27/08/2018 20:00

I think I might check in for some one to one counselling to talk things through with someone IRL Sad

I wish I could just be happy. I have a horrible feeling my dream man could walk into my life tomorrow, I could end it and go with him, but I’d STILL find something to be unhappy about. It’s like I’m not happy unless I’m unhappy, or finding reasons to be Sad

I had a pretty turbulent upbringing and one thing I don’t want is to end up with a complete dick head- I know he’d never be one.

And yes, to the poster that suggested it, I am, by my own admission a complete princess Blush

OP posts:
AspieHere · 27/08/2018 20:01

Don't marry him. Your life won't suddenly get better. If you don't have these feelings now, you won't have them after marriage. Then resentment and boredom sets in, you have kids and you feel you should try and make it work for them etc etc. Please don't do it. I wish MN had been around for me years ago and I could have got advice then.

If you don't desire him sexually, I'd say the security isn't enough to make you happy long term. You will end up in a sexless marriage or making yourself go through the motions because you feel you should and you chose this. It doesn't make you happy.

DisappearingGirl · 27/08/2018 20:04

Oh that is a really tough one OP! Not sure there is an easy answer!

I think I'm somewhere in the middle. I wouldn't say me and DP were soulmates and we don't chat for hours. I think we have quite different topics we would choose to chat about. However I do really like his personality and we do share the same sense of humour etc. He also ticks the boxes of being a lovely person, great dad and has a job etc.

If we went on a car journey together we'd probably spend a bit of it chatting and most of it in companionable silence or listening to music we both like. But I wouldn't dread it in any way.

So for me, it doesn't need to be soulmates or nothing. But, I do have to really like the person and be happy being in the same room as them.

It's so hard because if you split up then you don't know the chances of you (and him) meeting someone you're better suited to, and also whether that would be in time to have children if you want them.

Good luck whatever you decide!!

Pebblesandfriends · 27/08/2018 20:06

Honestly, some people don't chat on car journeys! When I met my DH we did a two hour car journey with his whole family in complete silence. It was the polar opposite to my family who chat non stop. It wasn't a deal breaker for me. Nothing you are saying is a reason not to marry him imo but you have to go with your gut. If that's telling you not to marry him don't.

DisappearingGirl · 27/08/2018 20:07

Oh, and one piece of advice I've found helpful for making difficult decisions. Make a list of pros and cons, ie using your rational brain (you already have). Then go for a long walk somewhere peaceful and see what intuitively comes to you about what you should do (asking your heart, I guess).

TornFromTheInside · 27/08/2018 20:07

I am absolutely sure some people marry for security, but maybe not so consciously - just they figure they are reasonably happy / comfortable and there's no massive desire to find anybody else, and thus they marry because there are legal implications and children to think about etc.
It's not necessarily cold, just more a slow burn thing.

There are those who do it in the throes of heated passion and it all goes pear shaped - so 'love' isn't always the answer either (assuming it was love in the first place).

But I'd say love is the purest reason.