To ask if anyone has married for security rather than sexual chemistry?

[Springinglover]

Due to be married in May.

Been together 6.5 years, I met him off the back of a horrible relationship (with 2 years prior to that just dating and never meeting anyone I liked) and honestly, he was like breath of fresh air. There were no games, he just knew he liked me and that was that.

He was (is) kind, good looking, good career, solvent, moral etc etc and we had/ have a nice time together.

But for me, even at the beginning I never really felt the chemistry with him that I have with others. I absolutely adore him and we actually have a really nice life, but we don’t have loads in common and sometimes, I get home from a long day and after 30 mins or so, we almost run out of conversation.

I said yes immediately when he proposed due to him being good looking, kind and just absolutely amazing in nearly every way. But I’m starting to have doubts I want to daydream about HIM, not old flames. I want to be gagging for sex with HIM. (I’m not, we do have an okay sex life, he’s totally unselfish in bed and I always orgasm, but lately I’ve just no enthusiasm for it)

I have a habit of self sabotaging my life, I’m wondering whether this is my way of doing that. I just always imagined I’d marry someone who I’d NEVER run out of convo with, who I could sit and talk to for hours, all the time. I imagined I’d marry someone who makes me die laughing regularly. He doesn’t. We do have laughs, sometimes of the proper belly variety, but in general, his personality isn’t really the same as mine and I have to say I don’t find him as ‘funny’ as previous partners, who were all quite dry and quick witted.

Pros- He’s lovely, would do anything for anyone, is kind, good looking, loves children (would make a great father), solvent, good with money, v good career and always wants the best for me and supports me entirely.

Cons- there’s never been the sexual chemistry that I’ve had with others, we run out of convo unless we’ve both had really busy/ interesting days/ nights, he’s not as social as me, he’s a lot more laid back than me which sometimes winds me up, I just don’t really feel ‘fulfilled’ by him His family drive me up the wall!

Would I be making a mistake by marrying him? Would he be making a mistake marrying me? Has anyone else married for security and a ‘nice and kind’ husband, rather than the one who made them die laughing and had good sexual chemistry with?!

I just feel so confused

What comes across to me loud and clear from this thread is that you don't know what you want, op.

I had an attraction to someone last year, within a week of meeting him I was so confused about my relationship with DP. He is honestly the male version of me. We have the same taste in music, films, TV and EXACTLY the same sense of humour. We just never stopped talking. I never fancied him though and even at the end, the thought of having sex with him just didn’t do anything for me. Unfortunately it wasn’t the same for him, he was in a long term relationship and I think towards the end his head was completely fucked. He transferred offices and slowly cut contact. At first, I honestly missed him an our laughs so much, it actually hurt. I was so down and depressed that I cried, secretly for weeks.

Reading this, I’m thinking you should get out of your DP’s life before you completely fuck his head up too. You seriously need to get some counselling.

To me, it's unrealistic to be regularly chatting for hours and "dying with laughter" after 6.5 years. You say you don't mind silence, then why do you feel the car journey was awkward? You didn't like the audio book? It's an audio book - just change it then! I don't chat much with my DH, but before a long trip I would download some different podcasts and audio books in advance for us to listen to together. Some new ones that are trending and some of my old favourites. We would enjoy them together. At home, we enjoy movies, cooking together, hiking.

To me, the test of a great relationship is that I can discuss any topic or share anything. The test is not, am I constantly doing so. If you see the difference.

But everyone's different. I've never had a relationship, including friends and family relationships, where conversation always comes easily. So to me, this is the norm and anything else is a fantasy. If you have, then maybe you know what you missing.

This thread makes me feel sad because we assume that if we don't want to settle down and have security and accept a marriage based on shared life events and companionship - you know, the 'normal' way we are 'supposed' to do things - then it means something is wrong with us and we need to fix it.

What if not everyone is the marrying kind? What if you're just not monogamous or you just don't want to build one marriage for many years? Because not everyone does want that, we've just been so conditioned by societal norms of what makes for a happy life we assume that marriage and all the trappings of it is it.

I also find it sad that so many people on here are saying that it's perfectly normal to lose sexual attraction and not be chatting about everything a lot of the time after x amount of years. My experience is so different to this. I have someone who after five years I still adore, am so attracted to it is crazy and who I never run out of things to talk about with. I can't imagine ever feeling differently about him.

But he is not someone I would marry - I wouldn't marry anyone. Because at heart I am happiest not doing the 'norms' and living independently. I love the freedom and have different, meaningful and incredibly fulfilling times with different people. If I had convinced myself that marriage should happen and that security trumped everything then maybe I would feel as you do. But I don't. Maybe therefore it's less about you 'settling' and more about marriage not being what you truly want anyway?

I just thought it was worth saying that because it's assumed that if you don't marry this man there might be another to marry who is more suitable. What if you didn't marry at all or have one long-term monogamous relationship for the rest of your life?

Get a grip on reality.
Your update is appalling, I said it before but you need counselling or therapy.

You sound like an utter head wreck and you are going to seriously damage that poor man you are engaged to if you keep on like this.

How is my update appalling? I met someone last year that I felt I had a connection with, but I never wanted to act on it physically- nor would I have whilst with DP. I’d love to say in the last 6.5 years I’d never been attracted to another man, but that wouldn’t be the truth. I’ve never acted on it though, or truly, deeply even wanted to.

I have doubts about my relationship and I guess my ‘job’ for the next couple of months is going to have to be figuring out whether DP and I are best suited to one another and whether our relationship is sustainable long term!

OP do you think that potentially you have a sex problem rather than a partner problem?

I say this with zero judgement as I’ve definitely gone off sex in recent years, but that’s because I have a 4yo and 1yo and have been breastfeeding a long time. But before that whilst me and DH weren’t rampant we had a lot of sex that I absolutely wanted to have and even now with my sex drive on the floor, I find him physically attractive and do want to shag him, just not as often.

You say you’ve always gone off sex in the past with former partners and don’t want it with your fiancé and didn’t want it with this sparky guy who you felt so much for..... do you actually want to have sex with anyone? Could you be asexual or actually fancy women or any number of other sexualities? Is the issue not your DP but the fact that you don’t conform to a heterosexual, long term, monogamous relationship?

I don't think your update is appalling OP - many people have an attraction/flirtation with someone and you didn't act on it.

I also don't think you sound like a princess. It's a perfectly valid question that you're asking.

I'd also agree with what Crim said. Different people will have different thresholds for what counts as "settling". I also think that whether you want children (and your age) is a big factor to consider. Good luck!

I had an attraction to someone last year, within a week of meeting him I was so confused about my relationship with DP. He is honestly the male version of me. We have the same taste in music, films, TV and EXACTLY the same sense of humour. We just never stopped talking. I never fancied him though and even at the end, the thought of having sex with him just didn’t do anything for me. Unfortunately it wasn’t the same for him, he was in a long term relationship and I think towards the end his head was completely fucked. He transferred offices and slowly cut contact. At first, I honestly missed him an our laughs so much, it actually hurt. I was so down and depressed that I cried, secretly for weeks.

Ok changed my mind. You're a fucking mess and your DP doesn't deserve you!

If I found out my DP had been crying secretly for weeks about a lost love interest I would be so hurt. That is cheating

It sounds like you don’t really know what you want in life. I really would recommend you work out why you feel the way you do with a therapist.

I agree that you would benefit from counselling - not because your update was "appalling" but because you would benefit from talking through your issues about sex and intimacy with an impartical person.

However, going off sex after 18 months is TEXTBOOK. (link: news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/4669104.stm) so there's nothing unusual about that. It's not YOU, it's biology!

This thread seems to be split between the "hold out for your soulmate" types and the "sexual chemistry goes anyway so marrying a kind man is more important." I do think marrying a decent lovely man is a good idea but if you have neither chemistry OR conversation I can't see it being a happy marriage.

My best friend is in a relationship a bit like yours - lovely guy, they get on well as friends but she doesn't fancy him and when they went on holiday and the wifi failed they spent evenings in silence because they had nothing to talk about!

I was puzzled about why you kept saying you'd have nothing to talk about unless he'd been out to work / doing hobbies... but then this has come directly from him. To me, talking about what you've been up to lately is the kind of conversation you have with casual acquantances, but with your close friends and lpved ones you're more likely to chat about random stuff. It sounds like you connect by talking, and he doesn't - and that's not going to change. You're not going to suddenly develop compatible communication styles if they're not there now.

But you're in your 30's. The clock is ticking. I can guarantee that if you split with him someone will snap him up. He'll be married within a year. You may not find it easy to meet someone as good as him.

This may be true... but please don't make life-changing decisions based on fear. Mumsnet is full of women who settled because they thought they wouldn't fnd anyone better and are now living lives of quiet desperation but can't leave because they had kids with the guy. There ARE tons of nice men out there as well as the arseholes.

I did and was so unfulfilled and lonely for 10 yrs. We had 3 DC and this just compounded how wrong for eachother we were. Sexual chemistry, deep love and companionship all need to be there. Be brave.....call it off.

I could put up with all of it apart from where you say you run out of conversation. I think you need someone you can talk to about any old shit personally.

After that update, I can see where you're coming from. I don't think it's appalling. But rest assured that it is possible to have both the attraction and the things in common/ ability to talk to them for hours about anything. You don't have to settle for one or the other. I used to think that was the case, but it really isn't.

OP I think you have been give a bit of a hard time TBH, but you probably should have posted in Relationships if you werent prepared for getting a bit of stick.

I understand you have come for reassurance it will be OK / or reassurance it will be OK to go and other similar stories to make your choice feel easier. But we are strangers on the internet..... even if every one of us married a good man on paper and didnt feel fireworks - wouldnt mean that is what you should do..... Equally if we all had firey soulmate relationships - that doesnt mean thats whats right for you.

DH is my soulmate. I couldnt settle for a nice man, and a nice house, having a nice life, but someone who essentially I felt no spark for - doesnt mean its wrong for others - just that it wouldnt work for me..... He drives me crazy, but I love the bones of him. He completes me and I miss him like mad when we arent together. I should also add that we work together so we are with each other all the time - doesnt affect our ability to chat at all.

So really the questions for you are:

Are you self sabotaging?
If hes "nice on paper" but there is something missing - can you settle?
If you cant settle - are you prepared that if you walk away, you might not find someone like him again?
Are you aware - he might be "settling" for you! All your talk is about you, nothing about him.

People have had arranged marriages, and marriages to allow them to have sex, and marriages because war was breaking out, and marriages because that person was the person there at that time - for almost all of human history. None of it matters though - as you need to make sure you do whats right for you - no regrets.

Mumsnet is full of women who settled because they thought they wouldn't fnd anyone better and are now living lives of quiet desperation but can't leave because they had kids with the guy

Its also got plenty of women who wanted kids but never got to have them because of lack of partner, and who are living lives of quiet desperation because of this.

It's such a hard one but I would say walk away. It doesn't matter that he's good looking, kind, successful etc. It matters that he isn't your Mr Right. I think you'd be relieved if you walked away and I think it's kindest on him.

I would personally feel devastated if a few months before my wedding my partner was posting on an online forum that they weren't sure about me. If I knew they were I'd say thank you but I want to be with someone who is sure.

And I have a chronic illness and can have weeks or months where i do very little - I can still have interesting conversations because I read widely, mumsnet a lot and have an interest in lots of things generally.

This situation isn't going to improve. By all means go ahead with the wedding if you come to realise he is right for you but being happily single is an alternative to being married. Lots of people prefer to be on their own.

I agree with @serbska.....stop being selfish and wasting your guys time.

I have a relationship like the one you had with the other guy - we click on so many levels and he is the cleverest most talented and sexy person I have ever met. I regularly laugh out loud and we have shared jokes, opinions, word plays, music taste, artistic taste, aesthetic sensibilities etc etc. He is a total nightmare to live with though. If you are looking for a male you he may not exist

A male version of you that should say

I married a man who was all of the things you say your H2B is. Kind, considerate, loving, stable, solvent, etc, but I didn't fancy him. He was the stability I needed after a horrendously violent relationship some years before. We were married for 10 years, we were happy and plodded along well. The not fancying him turned into me not wanting to touch him at all, the little annoyances turned into big ones. We divorced 6 years ago and he's now happily married again.

@Springinglover

"I have a habit of self sabotaging my life, I’m wondering whether this is my way of doing that."

I would explore that avenue further and you may want to talk to him about it.

I am a life-long self saboteur and recently it's begun to affect my relationship with my husband. So we had a lengthy discussion about it and I've realised it is a habit so engrained that it's an issue I'm going to get professional help with.

I have doubts about my relationship and I guess my ‘job’ for the next couple of months is going to have to be figuring out whether DP and I are best suited to one another and whether our relationship is sustainable long term!

Actually OP I think this decision isn't one for you to make unilaterally. Surely your DP deserves to be in the picture so that he can decide whether your real thoughts and feelings are those that he wants to settle for? You don't have to be crazy in love to act lovingly toward someone else and tbh I think in this case you owe him that anyway.

He’s great on paper but you’re not in love with him - let him go. I was in your situation years ago and I ended it. Everyone thought I was mad : “but he’s so lovely!” “But he’s such a good boyfriend!” “But he’s so thoughtful and handsome!”

I knew he was all those things but the fact was I couldn’t force my feelings. He was snapped up about 8 months later and is now married to his next gf and they have kids together. Did I sometimes pine for having someone around who looked after me? Sure! But I wasn’t really missing him, as i’d Never been truly in love with him.

I don’t regret my decision one bit. It took another four years but I’ve finally found someone I’m crazy about and have long term compatibility with - it does happen! (And in fact has happened for nearly all of my friends who are married, so really not that rare!)

You’re just in the wrong relationship.

It sounds like you might actually not want to get married or just be with one person full stop. That's perfectly ok. There are people who are poly. Maybe that's you. But everyone involved has to be ok with it.