To ask if anyone has married for security rather than sexual chemistry?

[Springinglover]

Due to be married in May.

Been together 6.5 years, I met him off the back of a horrible relationship (with 2 years prior to that just dating and never meeting anyone I liked) and honestly, he was like breath of fresh air. There were no games, he just knew he liked me and that was that.

He was (is) kind, good looking, good career, solvent, moral etc etc and we had/ have a nice time together.

But for me, even at the beginning I never really felt the chemistry with him that I have with others. I absolutely adore him and we actually have a really nice life, but we don’t have loads in common and sometimes, I get home from a long day and after 30 mins or so, we almost run out of conversation.

I said yes immediately when he proposed due to him being good looking, kind and just absolutely amazing in nearly every way. But I’m starting to have doubts I want to daydream about HIM, not old flames. I want to be gagging for sex with HIM. (I’m not, we do have an okay sex life, he’s totally unselfish in bed and I always orgasm, but lately I’ve just no enthusiasm for it)

I have a habit of self sabotaging my life, I’m wondering whether this is my way of doing that. I just always imagined I’d marry someone who I’d NEVER run out of convo with, who I could sit and talk to for hours, all the time. I imagined I’d marry someone who makes me die laughing regularly. He doesn’t. We do have laughs, sometimes of the proper belly variety, but in general, his personality isn’t really the same as mine and I have to say I don’t find him as ‘funny’ as previous partners, who were all quite dry and quick witted.

Pros- He’s lovely, would do anything for anyone, is kind, good looking, loves children (would make a great father), solvent, good with money, v good career and always wants the best for me and supports me entirely.

Cons- there’s never been the sexual chemistry that I’ve had with others, we run out of convo unless we’ve both had really busy/ interesting days/ nights, he’s not as social as me, he’s a lot more laid back than me which sometimes winds me up, I just don’t really feel ‘fulfilled’ by him His family drive me up the wall!

Would I be making a mistake by marrying him? Would he be making a mistake marrying me? Has anyone else married for security and a ‘nice and kind’ husband, rather than the one who made them die laughing and had good sexual chemistry with?!

I just feel so confused

Personally I don't think one person can provide everything for you. Think about your friends, do you have one friend that is everything? That you'd go on holiday with? Go for a jog with? Out for dinner? Get pissed with? Cry with when things go wrong? Slob about in pj's? People want all this from a partner, plus sexual chemistry plus similar outlooks on child rearing, finances, lifestyle plus all the physical traits you want. Unless you're very very lucky, there is usually a compromise somewhere.

But, compatability is a key thing (for me) as a lot of things can change but compatability should stay the same. Personally, my husband isn't maybe the person I've been most sexually attracted to ever (I've only really really fancied a few people and they would have been a disaster relationship wise). But I knew I wanted to marry him after we went on holiday to Italy for 10 days and it rained the entire time. We just chatted and read and drank and ate and watched the rain together. And sheltered in a museum about lemons. And it was nice. And I can't imagine doing that and still having a nice time with anyone else.

It's of course up to you and lots of people marry for things other than love and still have a great life...but if you're dreading a 2 hour car journey with him then how are you going to feel about the next 60 years....?

Ps I am not doing anything as in not working (mat leave) or going anywhere interesting due to a baby who only naps at home..
and I still read the news and we still manage to have interesting conversations.

I have single friends that would surely love to have the relationship that you have ! However, I wonder how you would feel if your DP wrote on here how they were having second thoughts about the wedding and highlighted some of your faults. Nobody is perfect. Relationships also change over time. Can you see yourself married for the next 50 years and living the good times and the bad times. Secondly, if you had got married after a couple of months to your current partner, rather than 6.5 years, would you think that you had made a good choice. Also lots of people complain on MN about partners who have hobbies or work and are never at home.

I think youre self sabotaging.

I honestly believe that the most important quality in a partner after trustworthiness, is kindness. When you're exhausted after being up all night with the baby will he let you have a lie in? Will he give you the last bit of crackling? Will he give you a hug when you're down? etc.

I think there's far too much emphasis on soul mates - I don't believe they exist.

Ask yourself this question - if you broke up and you didn't find anyone else as lovely, would you regret it? Would you pine and wish that you'd never let him go?

Do you want the same things in life? Children?

Bottom line here is, I don't think you're ready to get married. Keep talking this through on here and see how you feel in a month. If you're still so unsure, tell him. But truthfully, to me you sound like you have a very good relationship.

I was in a four year relationship with somebody like this, OP. I was perfectly content. Then I met my now-DP and he blew me away. Even after a week's holiday together where we've done nothing in the sun we can talk for hours, I still fancy him after 12 years, I still read over old messages, he makes me laugh big belly laughs at least every evening. Don't settle I say, though it is very tough to leave when all is fine, I know.

Springinglover how old are you? Sorry if i've missed it.

Is this thread helping at all?

I'll be honest and say i was/am just like you. Your whole last post - i could have written it a few years ago. Every bit. I married XH too young, for the wrong reasons and it was just ... just all wrong and it ended in tears. But it took 15 years to end because i thought i should be giving it a go and that i was a shallow princess who would never be happy and that i should be grateful i'd got someone who wasn't beating me or was down the pub or being unfaithful. I wasn't happy. All that bloody time.

I've remarried and we've been together 12 years and it's everything posters are saying you will never find. He's fucking amazing and he's the only man i ever want to touch or be touched by for as long as i live and that's a brand new feeling for me. I met him in my late 30s. It's not pie in the sky.

If he's not right or you are not ready then that's just the way it is.

What is your gut feeling? How would you feel if he started seeing someone else - my guess is that he would be snapped up pretty quickly if you dumped him. He ticks a lot of boxes in terms of husband material. Actually the biggest red flag for me would be that his family drive you mad - especially if he is close to his family and you would be expected to spend a lot of time with them. The sexual chemistry thing seems like a bit of a red herring - especially when you describe the situation with previously long term partners. I actually think that in the end deciding to marry is very much about security and having a nice, kind husband - those things are really important in a life partner in a way they are not for a fling. I also believe that being able to sit in companionable silence with someone is a better test of compatibility that having to fill the silence with meaningless chit chat (and I say that as someone who likes to talk).

How late 30s Laiste?

Just out of interest 😊

I think you should work on yourself, through self help, therapy, whatever, before you ditch this man. He sounds lovely and a lot of what you say about your feelings towards him are contrary. You know that your expectations are skewed and that you have form for self sabotage. Why not address this before ridding yourself of a man who really sounds like quite a catch?

Life isn’t a fairytale. Sometimes you just need to grind it out.

Don’t do it. I did it and am stuck. We don’t talk, never go out, I am so bored. My life is slipping past. All I think about is old flames. It’s too late now. My life is lived in dreams of the past and what could have been.

I've been there. I got out (broke off the engagement).

I knew it wasn't right. As you know in your relationship. I still can remember the cold dread feeling down the back of my neck.

You may well be able to marry a man for security. And may well be happy.

But not with this man.

It’s going to be a long life if you struggle to get through a two hour car journey.

He sounds ‘good on paper’. He’s not right for you, don’t fall into the trap of thinking that you can force it because he’s a good catch. Don’t marry him.

Regardless of whether what you have is 'good' (and it sounds it! Good sex, you trust him, he's a good partner, you like him etc - these are all key to a successful partnership) or not, you're searching for something else. It's only right if it's what you actually want, and right now it sounds like you're trying to convince yourself this is what you want (even if you think it should be, it obviously isn't).

If that's down to just who you are/your upbringing, and you think that therapy could fix that, then you should try for your own sake. But he deserves to be with someone who is SURE. My OH and I have plenty of quiet car journeys and plenty of personality differences but we are both sure as can be that the other is who we want to be with. He deserves that - as do you - but it can't be one way in a relationship.

I dunno. I can't imagine being married to someone whose company I was dreading! Your car journey example was a red flag for me. My partner and I aren't exactly setting the world alight after nearly 20 years together but he's the only person I'm completely comfortable and myself with. I love car journeys with him, in fact I get a bit cross if he falls asleep because just being silent together is better than doing chit-chat with anyone else.

Op....I think you are deliberately sabotaging your relationship...mine sounded a tad like yours at the start...25 yrs later we are still together..perfect relationships don't exist..they do require work ,..plan a date night ,get dressed to the nines ,go for a meal,get pissed have a laugh and a shag after...then think in the morning how mad you would be to throw it all away for ....what?

we have things to talk about when we’re both busy and active etc, but for the last year he’s been focusing on getting a promotion and so hasn’t had time to do his hobbies and has cut down on his socialising etc so I’ve noticed more and more that he doesn’t really have any conversation because he doesn’t DO anything.

It sounds like the lack of conversation is a recent thing caused by his excessive focus on work. I'd speak to your partner about this. Does he know you find this upsetting? Is he willing to make changes to have a more balanced lifestyle and be more talkative and engaging? I love to chat a lot more than dh, he really likes just sitting together reading or thinking, we have a great marriage as we are both willing to compromise for each other.

I was imagining ‘dream’ couples who would sit and chat and laugh the 2 hour journey away and just felt sad.

I know lots of happy couples who would turn on the radio too.
I have a male friend with whom I would effortlessly chat and laugh a long journey away, we both have that chatty personality and can talk about nothing for ages and make endless jokes. We would make a really unhappy couple long term because relationships are built on much more than this.
I have a fantastic marriage, and dh would turn the radio on. He enjoys thinking time, quiet companionship, rather than endless jokes and chat.

I am very happy with dh and I actually find his differences helpful, I am learning to enjoy silence more and not need to fill it, he is learning to be more social and outgoing, we are improving together and we grew together during our early relationship. I think a mutual commitment to growing together is more important in a marriage than finding a "100% perfect person", because that person doesn't exist, and also because you will both change through life anyway.

Whereas, with this one I do actually enjoy it once I’m doing it, but I NEVER want it first
Is this necessarily a problem? If you are always like this in LTR it's prob just the way you are.

I have a horrible feeling my dream man could walk into my life tomorrow, I could end it and go with him, but I’d STILL find something to be unhappy about.

Firstly no such thing as a dream man.
Secondly this may be right, and I'd look into some good therapy.

TALK TO YOUR PARTNER. Not talking about something important will increase feelings of distance. Tell him you feel upset you don't talk as much as you used to, that you'd like to get back to that.
I wouldn't end the relationship, but equally I wouldn't marry until you've had some therapy and can talk to your partner about how you feel. Being unable to discuss issues will be a greater predicted of unhappiness than anything else you've mentioned.

The partner I had the most exciting sex with/fancied the pants off treated me terribly. So although I was having an amazing time in the bedroom, I was also very unhappy and insecure.

I think it's really important to have the same outlook/want similar things/have the same attitude about money. It's also important that you are kind to each other. Would he look after you if you were ill? What do you think he will be like when you get old? Is he kind and considerate?

DH and I are like peas in a pod. We are happy to natter but have extended periods of silence. There is no one I would rather grow old with.

Adviceplease81 - 36.

Well, 2 months off 37

I think the premiertab gave best response, it should be for love

I am going to add, that there is nothing wrong with ending a relationship if you are not 100 percent happy. But it doesn't guarantee that you will find what you are looking for in the future. However, you may be lucky and find someone absolutely amazing.....

My precise age.

Laiste I agree with you about not settling - that’s why I said it’s hard, and that the world is full of broken marriages of people who ‘settled’. But at the same time, the op’s longing for a ‘soul mate’ who she can laugh for hours with etc etc, could have come straight out of the mouth of my friend, who finds men just never live up to her ideal. They can’t, because real life isn’t all rainbows. I think she’s a cautionary tale.

Did you have more children Latiste? Did you feel like you had life ahead?

OP imagine if your DP said tomorrow that he had second thoughts about marriage . Would you feel devastated or relieved?
Often when we are in danger of losing something we realise just what it means to us.
In our culture we have come to expect a marriage to provide all our needs— love, companionship, security and family life. Until comparatively recently this was not the case and couples were more pragmatic in their expectations. It is a heavy load to put on someone to meet all your needs.
Would it help to find a mutually interesting hobby? Even working together on a DIY project, searching your family trees,, getting a dog could be interests you could follow at home