To ask if anyone has married for security rather than sexual chemistry?

[Springinglover]

Due to be married in May.

Been together 6.5 years, I met him off the back of a horrible relationship (with 2 years prior to that just dating and never meeting anyone I liked) and honestly, he was like breath of fresh air. There were no games, he just knew he liked me and that was that.

He was (is) kind, good looking, good career, solvent, moral etc etc and we had/ have a nice time together.

But for me, even at the beginning I never really felt the chemistry with him that I have with others. I absolutely adore him and we actually have a really nice life, but we don’t have loads in common and sometimes, I get home from a long day and after 30 mins or so, we almost run out of conversation.

I said yes immediately when he proposed due to him being good looking, kind and just absolutely amazing in nearly every way. But I’m starting to have doubts I want to daydream about HIM, not old flames. I want to be gagging for sex with HIM. (I’m not, we do have an okay sex life, he’s totally unselfish in bed and I always orgasm, but lately I’ve just no enthusiasm for it)

I have a habit of self sabotaging my life, I’m wondering whether this is my way of doing that. I just always imagined I’d marry someone who I’d NEVER run out of convo with, who I could sit and talk to for hours, all the time. I imagined I’d marry someone who makes me die laughing regularly. He doesn’t. We do have laughs, sometimes of the proper belly variety, but in general, his personality isn’t really the same as mine and I have to say I don’t find him as ‘funny’ as previous partners, who were all quite dry and quick witted.

Pros- He’s lovely, would do anything for anyone, is kind, good looking, loves children (would make a great father), solvent, good with money, v good career and always wants the best for me and supports me entirely.

Cons- there’s never been the sexual chemistry that I’ve had with others, we run out of convo unless we’ve both had really busy/ interesting days/ nights, he’s not as social as me, he’s a lot more laid back than me which sometimes winds me up, I just don’t really feel ‘fulfilled’ by him His family drive me up the wall!

Would I be making a mistake by marrying him? Would he be making a mistake marrying me? Has anyone else married for security and a ‘nice and kind’ husband, rather than the one who made them die laughing and had good sexual chemistry with?!

I just feel so confused

Ask yourself how it will be with your DP when you are old.

Because marriage is supposed to last forever of course.

I care for older people & I love to see old married couples who still hold hands, who can chat for ages or sit in happy silence, who still have a smile for each other.

It makes me sad to see the old couples who are indifferent or who silently seethe with resentment, who dread going home to their partner after a stay in hospital.... not nice.

Which type of couple would you prefer to be in??

Could you postpone the wedding and see how you feel in a year? He sounds like he ticks a lot of boxes but you’re not sure at the moment if he ticks enough.

Aren’t the holding hands elderly couples ones who have found love again after being widowed?

Haha Goul - they are sometimes new couples but also long term couples often hold hands

Aren’t the holding hands elderly couples ones who have found love again after being widowed?

Of course not! You can be married to someone a long time and still love them/hold hands!

Seriously tho OP you said you find the poor guy boring - well that ain't going to change

I’m pleased to hear it not just those back in the honeymoon phase!

If you have a loyal kind partner you must kiss the ground he walks on. Nice men - however dull - are an endangered species so if you find one, you'd better be very grateful about it and not fuck it up. Expressing doubts is tantamount to abuse. The poor bloke. And encountering another adult male and finding them attractive is just utterly appalling...

Is that about it?

The first time my dh was going to propose I'm glad he held off as I didn't feel ready. I did after another 6 months tho I was still on rebound from my ex a bit tho I k we if never go back to him.

Waiting a little was the right choice and we are still married now 13 years later.

Only read as far as big blue bubble 😂😂😂😂😂

I think the fact you’re questioning it kind of gives you your answer really. You could bumble along together but if you’re not feeling it and never have felt it, is that enough? Everyone has said sex lives wane and I fully agree with that, but apart from the sex and fancying each other etc (which are important, I still fancy DH after 13+ years) you do need to be really good friends. And best friends are as comfortable with the chatter as they are the silence.

The fact you don’t have tons to say to each other and that also makes it awkward for you is a problem. Sometimes DH and I chat lots (difficult with kids yabbering away and interrupting us mind!) and other times it’s fine just to enjoy the silence ...but neither is awkward or a problem. You’ve been together 6.5 years and you’re feeling this way which isn’t good ...that kind of awkwardness would be more fitting in the earlier stages of a relationship in my view.

I think the thing is you run the risk of marrying him and feeling trapped, and that doesn’t tend to end well.

You know in your heart really OP what you should do, the only other person I know who wasn’t sure of the marriage but did it anyway has been disastrous, and they had kids and that’s been pretty awful too.

I don’t think you should simply ‘settle’ if that’s what it would be in your mind. He sounds fantastic, but if he’s not for you, that doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you or wrong with him. It’s ok for this not to be what you want and better to decide now then in a year. Whatever you do there should be no regrets, so take time to be certain of your choice. Obviously divorce is an option but it should never be borne in mind when getting married as it should be done in a ‘lifelong’ frame of mind not a ‘let’s see how it goes’ frame of mind. I’m not saying that is what you’re thinking obviously, but you need to know if you do this thing you really want it forever at the moment of committing to it and that no matter what happens, you’re sticking together at it. Because life does throw some really crap at marriages (we’ve had so damn much!) and you will get tested, so knowing you’re planning on sticking together no matter what is fairly essential. Whether you do is beside the point, you just need to be certain in your mind you want to be doing life together before you marry him.

Wishing you the very best of luck OP.

I think if you have anything more than a fleeting physical attraction to someone else, you're not in the right relationship.

Mmm not sure what to say to the OP (not sure why I'm posting really!) but just to say I'm struggling a bit with my marriage at the moment.

We have the same values (tick) he is a hard worker (tick) great in bed (tick) financially we are in quite a good place (tick) but he has never really made me laugh. He can also get quite stressed and angry and I crave that feeling of proper laughter to take the stress away.

I suppose my argument is that if you have a nice guy who is reliable and can be a father to your children and make a family with you then I would say that trumps other things. I would say security is more important than fun when you get to a certain age and are looking to settle down and have kids.

That's not to say I don't crave laughter sometimes and more of a spontaneous character. My husband's life revolves around his work / business and family life but I would love it if he could do more for me and our relationship. I've come to accept he can't and he is doing the best he can.

I know I am lucky to have the wonderful children, a brilliant sex life and a reliable partner. I also know I will have to forgo the other parts of my personality which sometimes miss the fun aspect of life. I get that from my friends when I meet up with them and try and see the positives in my marriage (but occasionally have a crush on a fun type of guy who doesn't seem as prone to stress I can't seem to stop these crushes as I know I am missing out on something. I have never had an affair or done anything untoward).

Sometimes I think “dry and quick witted” which is what you’d prefer can be synonymous for clever. Could that be the case - is he not that quick intellectually? Because if you’re intellectually mismatched I wouldn’t recommend staying.

I also know I will have to forgo the other parts of my personality which sometimes miss the fun aspect of life.

I've said it before on this thread but @BareNecessities200 while I do have a laugh with my husband a lot of what you're talking about lacking, I get from my mates. I don't expect to have all my emotional needs met by one person and hang out with my friends when I need something different. To me that seems pretty normal.

Here's a question for you OP. If you stop and consider your own personality for a minute - all your good traits and all of your weaker not so admirable traits......when you spend time with your OH, what does he bring out more in YOU? Is it more of your better traits or is it more of the traits that you're less proud of?
I ask this question from my own experience. My DH has many faults, he could be a bit more carefree and lighthearted. But for all of that, he brings out the best in me and makes me want to get out of bed in the morning and do stuff. He motivates me a great deal!!!!

There is no ideal anything and all you can do is to modify your approach and thinking to make it so.

If you were to define an ideal mate what would your checklist look like.

Finding a compatible, reliable, trustworthy money generating partner is the the aim of the mating game. The concept of marriage stabilises society and acts an ongoing role model for the children.

Everything else is fairy tale.

Love grows old and waxes cold and fades away like the morning dew as the old folk song goes.

It is a marathon and not a sprint.

I would have expected a more positive approach from the op at her stage in the game and if she has doubts now it is not going to become easier.

Just wanted to say it's not easy to make choices like this and I feel for you. If you get a feeling of lightness and relief picturing your life without your DP (but not necessarily with anyone else) then you know it's the right thing to do to leave. However I agree with others that fairytale are just that. I really wish I could be more help. I have been in relationships where I wished something major would happen just so I could validate my feeling of wanting to leave. However when I realised how mad this was, I realised it was time to leave. Some people view life from a position of scarcity (there are very few good men) and some from abundance (you found one, you will find another etc) try not to be scared. Feeling scared is the worst thing to feel, be brave and take control of the situation. Councilling could be an investment possibly in this relationship but potentially in future ones. Good luck x

a lot of what you're talking about lacking, I get from my mates. I don't expect to have all my emotional needs met by one person and hang out with my friends when I need something different. To me that seems pretty normal.

I feel like this too, and barenecessities I feel like you sometimes. Sometimes I feel my DH and I are emotionally incompatible but the relationship basically works and I can't imagine not being with him. I get crushes too but would never act on them and recognise them for what they are - a fantasy of finding a soul mate. Luckily I have had the experience of finding my laugh out loud soul mate and the relationship being a co-dependent disaster so I know what the reality of fairy tales can be.

How would you feel if he told you he had made a mistake with you, and he was sorry but he had discovered the love of his life and would be starting a new life with her tomorrow?

If you feel relief, then there is your answer.

If you feel distraught, put a little more effort into your relationship.

It sounds like he deserves someone who truly loves him, either way.