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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask if anyone has married for security rather than sexual chemistry?

270 replies

Springinglover · 27/08/2018 19:13

Due to be married in May.

Been together 6.5 years, I met him off the back of a horrible relationship (with 2 years prior to that just dating and never meeting anyone I liked) and honestly, he was like breath of fresh air. There were no games, he just knew he liked me and that was that.

He was (is) kind, good looking, good career, solvent, moral etc etc and we had/ have a nice time together.

But for me, even at the beginning I never really felt the chemistry with him that I have with others. I absolutely adore him and we actually have a really nice life, but we don’t have loads in common and sometimes, I get home from a long day and after 30 mins or so, we almost run out of conversation.

I said yes immediately when he proposed due to him being good looking, kind and just absolutely amazing in nearly every way. But I’m starting to have doubts Sad I want to daydream about HIM, not old flames. I want to be gagging for sex with HIM. (I’m not, we do have an okay sex life, he’s totally unselfish in bed and I always orgasm, but lately I’ve just no enthusiasm for it)

I have a habit of self sabotaging my life, I’m wondering whether this is my way of doing that. I just always imagined I’d marry someone who I’d NEVER run out of convo with, who I could sit and talk to for hours, all the time. I imagined I’d marry someone who makes me die laughing regularly. He doesn’t. We do have laughs, sometimes of the proper belly variety, but in general, his personality isn’t really the same as mine and I have to say I don’t find him as ‘funny’ as previous partners, who were all quite dry and quick witted.

Pros- He’s lovely, would do anything for anyone, is kind, good looking, loves children (would make a great father), solvent, good with money, v good career and always wants the best for me and supports me entirely.

Cons- there’s never been the sexual chemistry that I’ve had with others, we run out of convo unless we’ve both had really busy/ interesting days/ nights, he’s not as social as me, he’s a lot more laid back than me which sometimes winds me up, I just don’t really feel ‘fulfilled’ by him Sad His family drive me up the wall!

Would I be making a mistake by marrying him? Would he be making a mistake marrying me? Has anyone else married for security and a ‘nice and kind’ husband, rather than the one who made them die laughing and had good sexual chemistry with?!

I just feel so confused Sad

OP posts:
AspieHere · 27/08/2018 20:08

"I wish I could just be happy."

This says it all. You aren't happy. If you aren't happy with him then it's time to call it a day I'd say.

lightonthewater · 27/08/2018 20:09

I was in the same situation as you when I met my OH. We just felt really comfortable together, and I enjoyed his company. However, the chemistry wasn't there from the get go. I married him and it's been a good solid marriage and we are best friends. However, I do think I have missed out on that butterfly feeling in the stomach, the sexual chemistry and snogging, non of which was there. However , there is not much point having those things if your partner is not someone you can trust and lean on, someone who has your back and who you can grow old with.

I do think if you feel you haven't got anything to talk about, I don't understand how you can love him. What do you love? If you don't have conversation or things in common, what is it that you love? I think if you don't have things in common, conversation or chemistry, it's just not a runner. Also, if you are already having doubts, it isn't right.

BoodeBeep · 27/08/2018 20:10

Unless you think you you will resent him from keeping you from the (fictitious) "one", I'd marry him in a heartbeat.

However I think you might and that is unfair to you both.

It sounds like you have struck gold but are chasing a fairytale , something that literature, films etc. make us think is achievable for everyone.

You can wait for the one but realistically it might never happen- doesn't for loads of people and most have a string of ones. Most people I have had chemistry with have been unsuitable life partners.

Tinkobell · 27/08/2018 20:11

Visualise if you can, him shagging another woman and her in ecstasy. How does that image make you feel? Imagine him desiring and wanting another woman's body - looking at her, thinking about her and touching her. If you split, at some point that will happen. If you don't care or you feel very little about that, let him go. If it drives you insane with jealousy, you do want him. I cannot imagine my DH being with another woman, ever.

Nuffaluff · 27/08/2018 20:13

Also, the sex thing... sorry to drip feed but I’ve had a fair few long term boyfriends and without doubt, every single one of them I’ve stopped finding as sexually attractive after about 18 months- 2 years. It surprises me that I’m still having regular sex with this one as I’ve always totally gone off sex after 2 years and literally ‘grinned and beared it’ once every 6 months in the last year or so of my other relationships
Well, that’s a real positive then isn’t it? It sounds like you’re sexually compatible to me. Also the fact he’s the only man you’ve had an orgasm with. He must be good in bed.
A sensitive, generous lover is worth his weight in gold. So many men are shit/ selfish in bed (not speaking from personal experience, but just from what I read on here!).

SerenDippitty · 27/08/2018 20:14

As a pp said, some things come and go but humour and the ability to talk endlessly to each other are pretty important.

Agree re humour and talking but I also think it’s important to be able to have companionable silences where neither of you feels you have to say anything, and it’s perfectly comfortable.

TornFromTheInside · 27/08/2018 20:15

Tinkobell, I'm not sure about that -

Some people don't care very much at all - they just don't want someone else to have you.
It can be love - absolutely, and that's the case you describe, but it can also be possessive which looks similar from the outside, but is a very different beast.

I think it's mostly men who are possessive in that way, but it can happen with women too

Laiste · 27/08/2018 20:16

There will be posters here who would be content in your situation. There will be posters who would run a mile. Neither matters. You have to decide what's best for you.

If you were my daughter i'd advise no, don't marry him. Not yet at least.

If he had these doubts about you would you want to go ahead with a wedding?

Monkee4 · 27/08/2018 20:16

I think you know yourself OP and you know you are not happy
I was with someone kind and caring but I became very very unhappy and ended up hating myself because we had a DD and I felt trapped and I knew it was all my fault in the first place
To the person who said marriage is like a small business - I wouldn't personally follow that advice. You need to fancy them and miss them and have conversations about life till 3am...
IMO anyway

MadMaryBoddington · 27/08/2018 20:16

It is a tough one. As this thread shows, there are many people who are busy divorcing nice, kind, loving men because they are bored and the marriage has been a huge mistake.

But then there are women like my friend, who has been single for most of the twenty years I’ve known her, because nobody she meets can ever live up to the fairytale in her head. She wants fireworks and excitement and romance that never fades, and life just isn’t like that. She also has a tick box in her head of what her dream man will be like, so nobody ever gets past a first date with her because they never make the grade. If she was happy being single it wouldn’t matter. But she really, really isn’t.

Tinkobell · 27/08/2018 20:18

@Torn.....I find my DH sexy and the thought of another woman even eyeing him over pisses me off. He's all mine!! if I didn't give a shit then I do know it was game over.

Fiirefly · 27/08/2018 20:19

The conversation thing really stuck out for me. You dreaded a two hour car journey because you'd run out of things to say. I wouldn't want that. I look forward to long drives because my partner and I can talk for hours, music, films, politics, funny stories, we set the world to rights. No interruptions, just talking and laughing between us. I wouldn't trade the open conversations we have for any amount of money in the world. I can talk to him about anything, no matter how personal or stupid. It's worth it's weight in gold! Lying in bed at night just talking is my favourite time of day.
If you're not 100% sure, don't do it. It's not fair on either of you.

deepsea · 27/08/2018 20:20

I don't think you should marry someone you not IN love with.

Marriage is a very long haul, if you have children you will be tested to your limits. Unless the foundations are rock solid you may live to regret marrying someone 'good enough'

I married the man I could not live without, loved from the bottom of my heart. We have been to hell and back, as you get older all sorts of shit hits the fan there is no way we would have made it.

You can find this feeling with another man and then you will have zero doubts about marrying him.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 27/08/2018 20:20

I could and I think many stay in relationships for security

But I won’t be having more children and would rather security than great sex now

But I’m older my priorities have changed

LusaCole · 27/08/2018 20:21

I think you may have a slightly unrealistic view of long term relationships. I think it's completely normal for a 2-hour car journey to spend some of it chatting but some of it in silence. To want to spend it chatting and laughing non stop sounds implausible to me!

Thehop · 27/08/2018 20:21

I married my 2nd husband a year ago. I didn’t and don’t fancy him really, but I do love him and that makes me feel very safe after getting it so wrong before because I listened to butterflies

Different strokes for different folks

stevie69 · 27/08/2018 20:21

No. I'm secure enough on my own. And my best sexual chemistry comes in short term relationships that don't lend themselves to marriage Blush

Fiirefly · 27/08/2018 20:24

The other side of that is silence between a couple is fine, peaceful even. But it has to be a comfortable silence, not an awkward silence because you don't know what to say to each other.

Rory786 · 27/08/2018 20:24

This reminds me of Scarlet O Hará and Rhett Butler....

goodgirls · 27/08/2018 20:24

but I was imagining ‘dream’ couples who would sit and chat and laugh the 2 hour journey away and just felt sad

I think you are looking for a hollywood movie. I've been married for 25 years, to a wonderful man I love dearly, and always have done. Yes sometimes we could spend the whole 2 hours chatting and laughing, but more likely we wouldn't. There is a lot to be said for comfortable silences!

The only point that matters is should you marry someone you don't really know you want to marry? I say no. It should be something you go into wholeheartedly or not at all.

BonnieF · 27/08/2018 20:25

I’m going to go against the majority view, OP.

Nobody is perfect. No relationship is perfect. Everyone has faults, quirks, bad habits, things which annoy you. Some are serious, some less so. Some you can live with, some you can’t.

Be very, very careful before chucking away a good relationship with a good man to chase a fantasy of a ‘Mr Perfect’ who almost certainly doesn’t exist.

Laiste · 27/08/2018 20:25

MadMaryBoddington - But then there are women like my friend, who has been single for most of the twenty years I’ve known her, because nobody she meets can ever live up to the fairytale in her head

I get exactly what you are saying Mad, but this example can't teach the OP anything particularly in her own scenario. What is she to do? Say 'right i'll settle then. Because i don't want to chase my ideal and end up like that woman who's single.'

'Settling' can end in as many tears as being too picky. Also, further down the line there may be children to complicate the issue consider.

lowtide · 27/08/2018 20:26

I don’t think people worry about silence in a car. It’s wether you feel comfortable with that silence
Or wether you like listening to the same audio book. I mean we all like different things, but you should have a few things in common. Choice of 10 audio books. There must be one that you both want to listen to.

wheezing · 27/08/2018 20:26

The conversation bit is the biggest red flag for me. I ridiculously used to look forward to really long car journeys with DP (pre DC) and even post DC, which does change things, he’s still my favourite person to talk to.

BUT I will say this. I do think the ideal we have in our head is just that, an ideal. And I agree with the PP who said that once you have children you’re like a small family firm and it just comes down a bit to who you want to organise things and trust to parent the same way and give you a bit of a break without a guilt trip etc.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 27/08/2018 20:26

It’s better to want something you don’t have than to have something you don’t want.

Said that short curly-haired guy on Ally MacBeal. But then he was a bloke and they have more time to discover their perfect partners.