To ask if anyone has married for security rather than sexual chemistry?

[Springinglover]

Due to be married in May.

Been together 6.5 years, I met him off the back of a horrible relationship (with 2 years prior to that just dating and never meeting anyone I liked) and honestly, he was like breath of fresh air. There were no games, he just knew he liked me and that was that.

He was (is) kind, good looking, good career, solvent, moral etc etc and we had/ have a nice time together.

But for me, even at the beginning I never really felt the chemistry with him that I have with others. I absolutely adore him and we actually have a really nice life, but we don’t have loads in common and sometimes, I get home from a long day and after 30 mins or so, we almost run out of conversation.

I said yes immediately when he proposed due to him being good looking, kind and just absolutely amazing in nearly every way. But I’m starting to have doubts I want to daydream about HIM, not old flames. I want to be gagging for sex with HIM. (I’m not, we do have an okay sex life, he’s totally unselfish in bed and I always orgasm, but lately I’ve just no enthusiasm for it)

I have a habit of self sabotaging my life, I’m wondering whether this is my way of doing that. I just always imagined I’d marry someone who I’d NEVER run out of convo with, who I could sit and talk to for hours, all the time. I imagined I’d marry someone who makes me die laughing regularly. He doesn’t. We do have laughs, sometimes of the proper belly variety, but in general, his personality isn’t really the same as mine and I have to say I don’t find him as ‘funny’ as previous partners, who were all quite dry and quick witted.

Pros- He’s lovely, would do anything for anyone, is kind, good looking, loves children (would make a great father), solvent, good with money, v good career and always wants the best for me and supports me entirely.

Cons- there’s never been the sexual chemistry that I’ve had with others, we run out of convo unless we’ve both had really busy/ interesting days/ nights, he’s not as social as me, he’s a lot more laid back than me which sometimes winds me up, I just don’t really feel ‘fulfilled’ by him His family drive me up the wall!

Would I be making a mistake by marrying him? Would he be making a mistake marrying me? Has anyone else married for security and a ‘nice and kind’ husband, rather than the one who made them die laughing and had good sexual chemistry with?!

I just feel so confused

Would answering these questions help?

Can you imagine life without him?

How would you feel if he called it all off?

Can you imagine loving anyone else like you love him?

Haven’t RTFT, just your posts OP.

I think you know that the problem is your attitude to relationships, not this specific man. You paint him in such glowing terms, he seems to have no faults other than not living up to what you yourself think is a fantasy.

I’d get that counseling, sort it through. Try not to lose this man along the way, he sounds like a keeper. Wish you every best. You’re trying.

Yes i had a DC with DH2. Interesting question about feeling life ahead.

It's hard to answer in hindsight. When married to H1 i used to feel panic when i looked to the future. Guilt, and sadness and like i was living keeping my feelings squeezed down in a box.

S there anyway you could spend some time apart to see how you feel? . A lot of what you have said does not sound like anything that could be resolved if you both wanted to.

See, if you were in your 20's I say wait a while and find someone else.

But you're in your 30's. The clock is ticking. I can guarantee that if you split with him someone will snap him up. He'll be married within a year. You may not find it easy to meet someone as good as him.

I had a mate who was in exactly the same situation as you : she dumped him, looking for Prince charming, never found him (unsurprisingly), he met and married someone else.

I’m happy for you Laiste.

I'm pretty rubbish with advice, but I would like to ask, are you unhappy with your fiance? Or just generally unhappy with your life? I've come to realise in my advancing age, you can only make yourself happy, no one else can. If you are, as it seems, generally dissatisfied with yourself, easily bored and restless, no one else is going to be able to fix it, it comes from within.

The 'in love' feeling, the honeymoon period, generally does fade, with all the lust and butterflies and excitement. But then it generally is replaced by a much deeper love. As a poster said, sometimes you can drive each other up the wall, be exasperated with each other, but there is always the deep love there in the background.

I may be talking out of my arse, but that is how I have found life and love. After two abusive long term relationships, in different ways abusive, I have learnt an awful lot about who I am and what I want from a partner.

Also, as previous posters have mentioned, there is no such thing as the perfect relationship, its not a film or a book, its real life, with all the shit that comes with it. If you want someone to go through life with, long term, to support each other, raise children, etc, he sounds perfect for the job. If you're not going to be happy with that, and wanting more all the time, he's probably not the man for you, you will end up hurting each other.

Do you want to get married? In general? I am also a self sobatager but have come to realise there’s no point me being in a relationship if I am always fretful and questioning myself about sabotage or if I really am unhappy blah blah blah - so I broke up with a man who was ‘good on paper’ who wanted to marry me and am single and I don’t regret it at all. I figure if I get married it will be to someone who doesn’t make me constantly question myself and angst over if I’m self sabotaging all the time. There’s no right answer to this but I’d want to be excited about marrying someone rather than questioning our fundamental compatibility.

Getting married just so you’re not ‘left on the shelf’ is wrong and selfish. He sounds like a great man but if you dread spending 2 hours in his company in a car journey then there is something wrong.

OP, what is it you really want? Be honest with yourself. It may be that this man is perfect for you and you don’t recognise this or, it could be you’re settling as you’re scared of being alone. Only you know the answer to this and if you don’t know, then you need help figuring it out.

You sound like my friend. She falls madly, unreasonably in love with unsuitable men and is obsessed with them, and absolutely doesn't see them for who they really are, even when everyone else is pointing things out. Then she gets really really hurt when things go tits up. Hehe sometimes dates men who are nice, suitable etc but just can't seem to get into them. It's like she's constantly trying to recreate the relationship she had with her dad who rejected her - she wants someone 'bad' and I suspect is subconsciously hoping that they'll 'come right' - like her father never did - and turn into the good guy. She's not interested in the ones who are good already, because that wouldn't fit the redemptionist play she's playing in her head.

Should you marry him if you just aren't really into him? Probably not. But should you have therapy to explore this more? I think probably yes.

MadMaryBoddington while it's true that your friend's ideals are making finding a life partner hard for her, how is she meant to change? I'm a bit unsure about how the counseling being suggested would work here.

The partner I had the most exciting sex with/fancied the pants off treated me terribly.

Me too.

I also think terribly exciting sex doesn’t always correlate that well with the domesticity or living with someone, having pressured jobs and DC.

I know quite a few friends who did this and they are all still together over a decade later. Some happier than others, but I've been surprised how well these relationships which we were sceptical about have endured.

Isn’t this rather like sleepless in Seattle? Perfect partner but not the one? It’s a dangerous fantasy.

I started the thread thinking OP had unrealistic expectations. But then remembered when I fell in love with DP and unexpectedly realised that THAT was what people were going on about in films and books and poetry. It’s worth waiting for, and your DP deserves someone who really appreciates him. If you’re annoyed by that advice, perhaps your feelings are deeper than you realise.

Oh, and when you have children a good father can make you fall in love with him all over again!

From what you say, no I wouldn’t. Tbh sense of humour and compatibility is so important to me I couldn’t marry someone who wasn’t on same ‘wavelength’ esp if sex wasn’t that great either!

Everyone said they were surprised when me and XH split up. Even my own mother. But then she thought we should stay together for the dogs. Not the kids mind you - the bloody dogs. And the new kitchen!

I'm not sure.
On paper you really wouldn't put me and dh together, yet we've been married/ mostly happily for 26 years. i say mostly as nothing is perfect.
We had one of those firework first encounters, knees turning to jelly, an amazing chemistry and occasionally that still happens now, but even though that has faded, we are still very happy together.
We have a good sex life, but not like it was, the animal instinct, because it evolved.
I can talk for England, he likes peace and quiet. I'm outgoing, social and have hobbies, he doesn't. Yet, when we spend time together we are happy.

What I'm trying to say is your relationship will evolve if you stay together and won't be the same anyway.
The bottom line is Do you love each other? Can you imagine being with somebody else?
Do you believe you want to make vows to him?

I married for similar reasons but our libidos were completely opposite (I’m more like a panda) and we eventually divorced after 20 years. So now I’m staring down the end half of my life alone (which is really hard to get used to having spent half of it with my best friend) with no chance of attracting someone to light a fire up my fanjo... I can’t even wish to go back in time and head for the hills because I have two gorgeous kids from it.

You should marry the person you can’t live without.

You also don’t have to get married at all! From what you have said it seems like you can’t see yourself wanting to spend your whole life with someone.

Be honest with yourself. It’s all very well people saying you are a princess and that you are looking for a fairytale etc but, the truth is, we all have different needs. It’s important that you honour those needs.

I think that you would benefit from some counselling. Taking your fiancé out of it, you happy in yourself? I think being okay within yourself is really important - especially before entering into marriage,

I couldn’t marry a man that I’d struggle to converse with and there is NOTHING wrong with wanting to be able to talk with the man you spend the rest of your life with. My mum (and I) are unable to talk to my Dad. He’s a man of few words. It’s been incredibly hurtful and sad. We are all lonely and don’t know how to communicate with each other. It’s not a healthy environment to raise a child in.

Wanting a man you can talk with is not a fairytale. They exist! I was once deeply in love with a man with whom the conversation never dried up and any silences were comfortable. We knew how to make each other laugh...even arguments were great! A two hour car journey? Piece of cake, we’d still end up taking into the wee small hours.

He didn’t ever want marriage. I did. My heart was broken and I then had the option to marry a very safe, kind, “good” man but one who bored me, who never made me laugh (or even smile) and who I couldn’t really talk to. He looks like Ryan Gosling! He’d never knowingly hurt me or cheat on me or hit me or anything like that. He’s well read, great with kids, intelligent. But I absolutely cannot marry him because I don’t love him and I cannot imagine being happy long term with him. Even though I’m 34 and desperate to start a family I know it wouldn’t be fair to him or me or any children we might have and I’d honestly rather go it alone.

Only you know what the right thing to do for you is. Plenty of people marry for security, many wait for love and miss out altogether and a blessed few get the recipe right and marry the one who is not perfect, but perfect for them. The mix is just right.

Be true to yourself. What do you need from a husband?

Chemistry is one thing but I don’t know if I could marry someone I couldn’t talk to or didn’t find an interesting conversationalist. I feel for you - you have a hard decision to make.

OP I urge you to read Melanie Reid's "Spinal Column" in saturday's Times. It was a beautifully written anthem to what matters in a marriage. I'm v sorry, but I don't know how to link it.

Me and DH sometimesrun our of things to say. However we are completely comfortable sitting it complete silence. If the chemistry is not there then I would consider not marrying him, but for me the fact that you feel uncomfortable to sit in silence is a worse sign. It goes for all friends; anyone you feel comfortable enough to sit with no agenda or pressure is a true friend. I am lucky to have three such people in my life; my sister, my husband and a friend I have known for almost 25 years.

I think you're chasing a fantasy tbh op. That's not saying you should marry him and I think it's right that you're questioning it now rather than later.

I met my dh young, we had the usual honeymoon phase, couldn't keep our hands off each other, butterfly's etc.

I think it's natural that fades after a while. We still have a pretty good sex life although I don't madly desire him like I used too, I don't know any couple that has sustained that initial lust.

The worrying part of your post is the bit about being unable to keep a conversation going.

Me and dh, despite normal ups and downs have always found of things to talk about even whilst I was a sahm with 2 under 2.

So while I don't necessarily think you'll find your Prince Charming it's really important to have the foundations there before you bring the strain of marriage and kids into the picture.

Can you picture how your life would be if you split? I don't mean your fantasy life (we all have those btw), but what would you be doing tomorrow, next week, next month if you split?

How would you feel having children with someone else?

How would you feel about seeing your do madly in love with someone else?

I did this. Don't do it. It was the worst mistake I ever made in lots of ways.

My friend did the same and he's now divorcing his wife after 2 years. So he wasted her time as well as his.

The silence isn’t uncomfortable. We’re perfectly happy to sit in companionable silence, we’re doing so now in fact (he’s watching something on TV and I’m on here) I think I’m all honesty it’s the fact that although it’s companionable, I resent the silence because I think perhaps there needn’t be so much of it if only he’d get more of a social life/ hobbies. I love him to bits but I don’t want to be with someone long term who’s boring and just wants to sit around all the time.

I’ve expressed this, a few times. He just says he doesn’t have time at the moment for hobbies/ as much of a social life (he does still have a bit of a social life, thank god) because of work. Which is fine, except I have no idea when the end of all this work is in sight!