To ask if anyone has married for security rather than sexual chemistry?

[Springinglover]

Due to be married in May.

Been together 6.5 years, I met him off the back of a horrible relationship (with 2 years prior to that just dating and never meeting anyone I liked) and honestly, he was like breath of fresh air. There were no games, he just knew he liked me and that was that.

He was (is) kind, good looking, good career, solvent, moral etc etc and we had/ have a nice time together.

But for me, even at the beginning I never really felt the chemistry with him that I have with others. I absolutely adore him and we actually have a really nice life, but we don’t have loads in common and sometimes, I get home from a long day and after 30 mins or so, we almost run out of conversation.

I said yes immediately when he proposed due to him being good looking, kind and just absolutely amazing in nearly every way. But I’m starting to have doubts I want to daydream about HIM, not old flames. I want to be gagging for sex with HIM. (I’m not, we do have an okay sex life, he’s totally unselfish in bed and I always orgasm, but lately I’ve just no enthusiasm for it)

I have a habit of self sabotaging my life, I’m wondering whether this is my way of doing that. I just always imagined I’d marry someone who I’d NEVER run out of convo with, who I could sit and talk to for hours, all the time. I imagined I’d marry someone who makes me die laughing regularly. He doesn’t. We do have laughs, sometimes of the proper belly variety, but in general, his personality isn’t really the same as mine and I have to say I don’t find him as ‘funny’ as previous partners, who were all quite dry and quick witted.

Pros- He’s lovely, would do anything for anyone, is kind, good looking, loves children (would make a great father), solvent, good with money, v good career and always wants the best for me and supports me entirely.

Cons- there’s never been the sexual chemistry that I’ve had with others, we run out of convo unless we’ve both had really busy/ interesting days/ nights, he’s not as social as me, he’s a lot more laid back than me which sometimes winds me up, I just don’t really feel ‘fulfilled’ by him His family drive me up the wall!

Would I be making a mistake by marrying him? Would he be making a mistake marrying me? Has anyone else married for security and a ‘nice and kind’ husband, rather than the one who made them die laughing and had good sexual chemistry with?!

I just feel so confused

I married quite young at 25, after meeting very young. It’s far from perfect.

However ten years and two DCs later I can still remember being at the church and really wanting to be married to him. There wasn’t one doubt there. Those I know who have divorced say that they knew at that point that it wasn’t ‘right’.

I’d also agree with other posters about conversation. It doesn’t necessarily need to be about what’s gone on in your day - anything will do! But I’d say it needs to be 100% relaxed - and that goes for when there isn’t anything to say. Silence is fine as long as it’s an easy silence!

You both sound lovely and I wish you well.

The sex isn’t crap btw, he’s the best ‘shag’ I’ve ever had, when we first started having sex I thought I’d struck gold as I’d never orgasmed through sex with anyone else before blush But even so, I’ve never properly desired him sexually.

I find this paragraph very strange. I'm not even sure what you mean by not desiring him sexually if he's the best you've ever had and you thought you'd struck gold with him.

I think it's possible your expectations are too high, but even if that's true, you can't force yourself to be happy. And if you're not happy, then set him free for someone who'll be crazy about him. Doesn't sound as though he'll have long to wait.

I have a former work colleague whose wife (presumably) married him for security. She's Filipino and about 25 years younger than him. He was married before and has grown up children in their twenties (he's 50 something) His first wife had an affair and left him for someone else and he had a breakdown.
He went travelling then and ended up in the Philippines. Met this lady and travelled back and forth for a while. Next thing they got married and she moved over here. By all accounts she came from an unbelievably poor background and even though he'd be considered middle class on an average-good wage here, I think she saw him as a wealthy man.

That said, they do seem to be happy together. They have a 5 year old DS now and he's an excellent Dad to him. I know from working with him that he's a nice man and I think he's good to his wife, and she seems happy. She's told me stories about other Filipino women who married older men and moved over here and basically ended up being treated as maids by their husbands. She's come out of her shell a a lot. She didn't speak much English when she came over first, but has improved a lot.

However there's is a different situation from your OP.

Yes, bad idea!

There is something clearly not right with your feelings for him.

In a decent relationship it is fine not to have a constant flow of conversation. It’s fine to stick on the radio, read a book, be on your phone in their company. It’s not fine to be worrying about doing this, to be noting the lull in conversation, to be thinking about running out of topics to talk about. It all sounds rather uncomfortable and out of sync.

Have you ever broached the subject with him? There is nothing more guaranteed to ruin a relationship than not talking about how you are feeling.

What do you 'imagine' sexual desire is like if what you have seems to fall short of that?

Do you feel like you should want him more than you do? how can you compare that feeling?

Once the initial euphoria of a relation is over (and it will pass), then marriage is bound to feel a little less 'blown away by romance / desire' and a lot more 'a commitment made in calm circumstance'. That could be misconstrued a doing it for security, but it doesn't necessarily mean that.

Personally, I think it's all too easy to take for granted the catch that you've got in the bag. Throughout the course of a normal marriage - the day to day worry of sick kids, career stress, financial worries, etc etc - chemistry does slip away .... sparks don't always fly....you don't have the headspace for fantasy. I wonder if it's actually commitment that dampens your sparks. I wonder that if you took one of your previous lovers with who you say sparks flew and chucked the prospect and reality of lifelong marriage into the mix, then you would find the same thing??? Be wary of wishing for greener grass. The conversation is probably stalling because you're analysing and overthinking it.

I do think you want something that doesn't exist. I recently did a four hour trip with DH, and we spent at most 30 minutes chatting. We are currently both on the sofa, playing on iPads and watching tv. No deep and meaningful two hour conversations here! But we don't need to. We know each other inside out and wouldn't have it any other way.

I did and I can't fault him, he's a great dad and I feel safe (previously had a violent relationship and although I never felt madly in love with my DH, it was easy) I know I could spend the next 40 years with him and it would be ... pleasant. A lot of the things you've said ring true, I don't daydream about him, conversation runs dry after half hour, our sense of humour are different, I'm quite dry and sarcastic, he is easily offended and we don't really make each other laugh. We have one DD and another on the way and it's not unbearable.

But....I have now met someone who I do fancy the pants off, daydream about, who I have clicked with and share the same sense of humour and we are friends and message a few times a week. And it's the first time I've felt in love in a long time (we've known each other 2 years and I'm aware some of it is lust, idealised, I have no way of knowing if a relationship with him would be better or worse) but for the first time in years (been with my DH 10 years sorry) I'm regretting that I feel as though I have settled for good enough and feel it's unfair to break up a family home which really isn't a bad life for my own selfish reasons.

TL:DR - I did, would think long and hard before doing it again and would like to think knowing how I feel now, I wouldn't.

OP read Sara Pascoe "Animal". It's very funny and also explains why you lose sexual desire for your partners as you have.

OP, if you dumped him and he was madly in love and engaged again in a year, how would you feel?

When you first date you sacrifice a lot of your current patterns to be with the other person - it's exciting, it's new, it's intoxicating.
You cannot keep that up. At some point you have to work, you have to pay bills, you have to tear yourselves away from each other do the stuff that needs doing.
When that balance starts to change, it can go too far the other way and you get too caught up in work, or children, or other issues. If you're lucky, once in a while you still get that 'glimpse' of what drew you to the other person in the first place. If you're not so lucky, you don't get that glimpse any more.

If you're really unlucky, you start getting glimpses of someone else (same person, different image of them). That can be growing apart, or someone's true nature coming to the fore. Maybe a little of both. People's personality can change.

Echoing a pp -

All the posters saying settle settle, you're chasing rainbows OP ect ..

Well - how about the poor partner here. He's not a dog in a pet shop. Maybe he wants the be The One for someone. Not just the one who'll stop the OP being single. Not just the best bet so far.

There will be posters here who would say they would be happy to be the settled for partner, i'm sure. But he deserves not to have someone umhing and ahhing over him before deciding that he'll do in the absence of her dream man and hope for the best!

I've said if OP was my daughter i'd advise her gently, no wedding for a while.

If OPs DP was my son i'd tell him to run a mile!

No. Don’t marry him. Deep down you know he isn’t right for you. It’s not normal to dread a 2 hour car journey with the person you are going to marry. To spend the rest of your life with this man, it’s a long looooong time.

You sound like quite a lively, sociable person and would be better suited to someone similar. Someone you could have an exciting, interesting life with. Someone quick witted who will make you laugh your socks off. Don’t settle for safe-but-boring. Life is too.

And I know relationships aren’t all excitement and passion. But to be bored by someone before you have even married them is one way ticket to divorce in the future.

I also think you want something that does not exist OP. No-one is endlessly entertaining in real life.

Don't make the mistake of thinking that there is a whole world of equally lovely, reliable, kind, good-looking, good in bed men out there who can also keep you entertained because I can absolutely guarantee that is not the case.

I think you are taking what you have for granted.

Yes, I’ve always shied away from commitment. I’ve always enjoyed attention from other men, even when in relationships. I get bored very easily and have a short attention span- in every aspect of life. I used to hate the idea of marriage and only being able to kiss & have sex with one person for the rest of your life. I still do somewhat.

I always want what I haven’t got. I always want more than what I have. I’m a restless person, I get bored with everything really easily. People, things, films, conversations (well, some) hence me wondering whether I need counselling.

I think your confusing real life with a hollywood movie. If not then I think you should tell your fiancé the truth and let him get on with his life. Clearly he must love you, but that isn't enough, is it? The problem is you may find Mr Wonderful, but what's to say he doesn't want you?

At the very least you should be honest with him or else you will find yourself lying through your teeth at the alter

You say that you're a princess with a habit of self sabotaging your life. Maybe you need to have a bit of therapy before you chuck this relationship. I'd give some of the great advice on here a go - companiable silence is wonderful in a long term relationship but being bored is not. Also you say you're a busy person who fills every second of your day and it sounds to me like your fiancée is perhaps more content with himself and who he is and doesn't need to fill every moment with chat or busyness. I hope you find the answers you need!

also his family drive you up the wall
in what way?... this is a red flag for me

You sound a lot like me. I know about my own tendency to self-sabotage my own happiness, and I've got a feeling it could be me posting this as and when I get married.

Go to see a counsellor. I think that would help.

As far as I can tell from my friends and my own parent's successful in the long term marriages, it's not like in the movies. It's like comfortable slippers. They become close companions rather than always lustful. I think it's only really our generation who expect to be in love and in lust for the rest of our lives, I think past generations settled quite amicably for liking and loving not always in love, and lust, well, a sort of nice extra that wouldn't necessarily last or be sparkly and exciting and would scratch the itch.

If I were you I think I'd marry him. But definitely do your work on your stuff, so you don't end up sabotaging.

Well it does sound as though you may have some issue, OP. But even if the 'problem' is you, the fact still remains that you are not happy and you can't force yourself to feel things.

I think you should set him free because he deserves to marry someone who loves him, wants him and wants to spend her life with him. Then work on you, if you're unhappy.

And if you're happy being single and uncommitted all your life (as many people are), then do that. There's more than one way to live. But don't use a good man as a mask or a prop to put up a pretence.

I did. This is how it has been for all of human history. Life is not a mills and boons story or a romantic movie.

Love grows. A vibrator will fill the gaps, excuse the pun.

I think you would be wise to have some one-to-one counselling to try to understand your own mixed feelings. This might be a straightforward incompatibility between the two of you - but if you are going to be bored by any “nice guy” and subconsciously drawn to the turbulence of your childhood, then it would be worth exploring that in order to avoid continuing your pattern of self-sabotage and getting drawn in to repeating negative patterns.

I say this because I know too many people who rejected anyone kind, settled and stable (boring!!) in favour of “bad boy” types - it hasn’t resulted in happy marriages.

Good luck with whatever choice you make.

butterflies is attraction, not love.
I think many people confuse these.

I married dh for stability. We’d been dating a couple of years, got on nicely, had a nice life together but I never really thought about the future. Then one day he proposed, I said yes and I remember walking back to our house thinking ‘I shouldn’t have let it get this far’. Married 6 years now, 2 kids. I’m currently repenting at leisure. But it’s ok really. Just not what I’d really hoped for.