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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to support DH finding out who his biological father is **TITLE EDITED BY MNHQ AT OP'S REQUEST**

347 replies

Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 16:35

I’m not sure how to go about this. DH has never know who he dad is, never was spoken about. I asked MIL when completing maternity notes and got very little details, not even a name. We want to know more and i’m not sure if we will get much out of her. Has anyone ever tried this successfully. He might not know he has a child.

AIBU to want to know at some point in our life? I’m annoyed about the situation as feel it is left of our child’s family tree.

OP posts:
PipeTheFuckDown · 25/08/2018 16:36

Any family members to ask?

Phosphorus · 25/08/2018 16:37

You have no idea of the circumstances in which your husband was conceived.

This isn't your business at all. It's entirely between your husband and his mother.

Batteredoldchesterfield · 25/08/2018 16:37

Perhaps there is a very good reason she doesn't wish to discuss it? Something traumatic? No reason for you to be furious really.

LegoPiecesEverywhere · 25/08/2018 16:38

Agree with pp it is none of your business. I am sure she has her reasons.

LostInShoebiz · 25/08/2018 16:38

Furious is a bit much. There may be a perfectly reasonable explanation as to why he’s never been in the picture. This is not your business so don’t press it with her. If DH feels so strongly, leave it to him to press.

CoughLaughFart · 25/08/2018 16:38

Have you ever thought it might not be your place to get ‘annoyed’ and go against your mother-in-law’s wishes?

BeUpStanding · 25/08/2018 16:39

YABU. It's none of your business

AlmaGeddon · 25/08/2018 16:39

Is it in DHs birth cert.

theboud · 25/08/2018 16:39

What about your MILs rights as a mother? She may have very good reasons not to discuss it. Presumably if it’s never spoken about there is a reason why and maybe she’d like to protect HER child from that information.

PortsmouthNH · 25/08/2018 16:39

If she doesn't want to tell you, that's her business. She could have all manner of reasons for wanting to keep it private.

It's got nothing to do with you. Leave her alone.

Plenty of kids grow up not knowing who their biological relatives are.

Your child will have only 25% missing - that's not a big deal. Family is who raises you, not where you get your genes from.

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 16:40

I do know he circumstances and have had that conversation. It is my business as I needed to complete medical forms for our child that asked specific questions on family tree I was unable to answer.

It’s something that bothers him and I want to help but I don’t know where to start. I’m just wondering if I get a name and I know the area he lived and year if anyone has had a similar situation that those small bits of information was enough.

I’m just frustrated about it all.

OP posts:
NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 25/08/2018 16:40

Why are you furious? Frankly it's non of your business & if you take it upon yourself to go against her wishes then she would have every right to be the furious one.
Keep your beak out & leave this between mil & DH Hmm

Cynara · 25/08/2018 16:40

I could understand why your DH might be furious, and so can understand why you might be concerned on his behalf, but you really have no business being furious. There could be many reasons being her reticence, none of which are anything to do with you.

Toooldtoask · 25/08/2018 16:40

I appreciate that its useful info to have medically, but people manage without. I certainly wouldn't ask my mil. If she even didn't feel that she needed the info for her own children then she probably won't get it for her grandchildren either...

silkpyjamasallday · 25/08/2018 16:40

I would assume that there is a very good reason that your MIL doesn't want to talk about him, and it really doesn't concern you. If your DH doesn't know, and hasn't asked his DM or she hasn't told him then you should really stop pushing to know, it's not essential. What if your DH was conceived as a result of rape? Would you feel good knowing you'd pushed MIL to tell you? Just leave it.

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 16:40

No not in brith certificate and he would like to know more

OP posts:
happypoobum · 25/08/2018 16:41

Agree with PP - It's between MIL and DH. She may have very good reasons for not wanting to tell him.

Do you generally not like her? You don't appear to be very sympathetic to her.

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 16:41

I’m not pushing, I asked twice as I was filling in medical forms. Privately we would like to try and find out.

OP posts:
ProseccoPoppy · 25/08/2018 16:41

I’d be curious but, if she was that reluctant to share details, also really cautious. This could open a whole can of worms so worth treading carefully. How will DH feel if, for example, he is the result of a rape? Or an affair? Or his mum hid who his father is because his dad is abusive or criminal?

bastardlyandmutley · 25/08/2018 16:41

I agree that it isn't your business to grill your MIL however, if your DH wishes to know about his biological father he has every right to ask her and to expect this information.

Soubriquet · 25/08/2018 16:43

You dont need to know.

Really you don't.

My grandad isn't my real grandad. My dads dad left my nan whilst she was pregnant.

I don't know who he is. Whether he is alive or even has other children.

Whilst I'm curious, I don't really care.

Hasn't affected me having children

Notmethistimehonest · 25/08/2018 16:43

Does she give a reason for not saying? What does she say when you say DH has the right to know who his father is?

ittakes2 · 25/08/2018 16:43

YABU. My friend pressed for info and found out his dad was his mother's rapist. It really traumatised him knowing he was a product of such violence. It's between your hubby and his mother. Adopted children don't always know their biological medical history either. You know of three grandparents out of four so that's better than some.

CoughLaughFart · 25/08/2018 16:43

It is my business as I needed to complete medical forms for our child that asked specific questions on family tree I was unable to answer.

A situation countless adopted people, people who have fallen out with their parents and people whose mothers aren’t sure of their parentage must be in.

Your husband is old enough to be married with children - he’s old enough to have a conversation with his own mother.

Xocaraic · 25/08/2018 16:44

Yes, you are being very unreasonable. If she has been unable or unwilling to speak of this up to now, there is obviously a very difficult story behind this. She may have been misled by this man, he may be a bad person, she may have not been pregnant by choice.
She has left this unspoken for a long time and she has her reasons.
It is not up to you to seek out this information. Your husband, if he really wishes to know, will speak with his mother.
There is a very old saying which is, if two people know a secret, it is one person too many...

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