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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to support DH finding out who his biological father is **TITLE EDITED BY MNHQ AT OP'S REQUEST**

347 replies

Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 16:35

I’m not sure how to go about this. DH has never know who he dad is, never was spoken about. I asked MIL when completing maternity notes and got very little details, not even a name. We want to know more and i’m not sure if we will get much out of her. Has anyone ever tried this successfully. He might not know he has a child.

AIBU to want to know at some point in our life? I’m annoyed about the situation as feel it is left of our child’s family tree.

OP posts:
ReservoirDogs · 25/08/2018 17:21

I wasn't actually being sarcastic. There are many people who will never know because their parents died, or they were adopted or foster or in care for other reasons. I just can't see why you are "furious".

You have your side of the family and your DH's maternal side details which is a lot more than some people ever have.

If the medical team are being persistent over one area ask them why. Is there a perceived risk of something that can be tested for etc.

Joboy · 25/08/2018 17:21

Just do a dna test . Go a face book group lke dna detectives and you will find your DH . It would be better is his mum tests or one of mum rellie test .
There are no secret any more of this kind.

OutsSelf · 25/08/2018 17:22

I don't know my dad, or his medical history. So fucking what? My mum left him when I was 2, she doesn't want to talk about it, which probably means (a) he was a twat (b) she holds a lot of at least shame and probably distress about him.

This means we have an incomplete medical history for our DC. Tell me, what place do you think my DP would have demanding she reveal stuff she can't talk to her own children about, to him? And should my DCs partner feel entitled to do that?

Give your head a wobble, OP.

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 17:22

SassitudeandSparkle Can I just point out that isnnt he case. The medical question was a couple of years ago, we have had to complete and discuss medical records several times since when things were more serious/pressing and there has never been a further conversation with her about this. We accepted the first answer and got on with it

OP posts:
Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 17:23

@SassitudeandSparkle I would absolutely not use a child’s medical situation to ‘get what I want’ and it’s really horrible to be accused of that

OP posts:
ChardonnaysPrettySister · 25/08/2018 17:23

You will have to respect her wishes, but I can see why you feel the need to know some medical information.

Can you ask her specifically that? No name, no identifying info, just whether she knows about some condition in his family or him?

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 17:27

CherryPavlova I have not ‘kept on at her’ we have discussed it openly twice in 12 years

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Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 17:28

@chardonnaysPrettySister yes i’ll ask my DH to. Thanks

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Flashingbeacon · 25/08/2018 17:29

With regards to ancestry DNA etc be wary. There are no secrets anymore but once you find things out you can’t forget them again.
Was there just a case solved using this sort of dna test. Imagine finding out he was a monster. Why would you ever want to know that?

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 17:29

@Joboy i’m not sure how a simple dna test would help though

OP posts:
SassitudeandSparkle · 25/08/2018 17:29

Well you did mention your child twice in your OP, the maternity notes and the family tree Hmm

AcrossthePond55 · 25/08/2018 17:30

You need to leave it alone. What MiL has said and what the truth really is may be two very different things. Plenty of adopted children and children of unwed mothers are told a 'nice' story, when the real story is 'not so nice'. It's not your place to rock that boat, especially if your DH is not keen to do so.

I'm adopted and as a result I have no known medical history. I've managed all my life without it. My children's medical history is 'half unknown', as it were. They're also managing just fine.

If you are that concerned about your children's medical history, then have genetic testing done for inheritable diseases.

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 17:30

@Flashingbeacon very true and sound advice. Not my call really i’m Just wanted to support and taken the burden off DH to help him avoid a difficult conversation. I’m going to encourage him to be open and honest with his mum and see where that takes him.

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keefthebeef · 25/08/2018 17:32

A woman who works for me pursued her mother relentlessly for years. Eventually her mum told her the truth - she was raped and never wanted her daughter to know as she was worried it would effect her self esteem. The woman had a break down and was ill for years. Be careful in pursuing this, it is her information to give, and not yours to know.

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 17:33

@SassitudeandSparkle The first conversation was on maternity notes, second on a condition which is ongoing and has been. We have had to go through further tests because of not knowing the full picture, hard to explain and I don't wish to discuss too much medically on here.

OP posts:
Sandstormbrewing · 25/08/2018 17:33

You have no right to know the medical history of anyone other than yourself. YABU.

Butteredparsn1ps · 25/08/2018 17:33

Family History is a nice-to-know not a need-to-know and for lots of reasons, it is often incomplete. The booking in midwife should have asked the question and then moved on.

Your DH’s feelings are more complicated. As an adoptee, I found pregnancy stirred up a lot of my feelings about my parents and the questions I was unable to ask them. If your DH is finding he needs to process his thoughts, I would urge him to consider some support for this through a reputable counsellor. Honestly this sounds more productive than asking MIL.

Good luck with your little one.

DonutCone · 25/08/2018 17:33

I find it really hard to believe you were asked about your FIL's medically history specifically.

You're nosy. You want to know. The idea of needing it for 'medical notes' was just an opening to try and get the info you wanted.

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 17:35

From DH side he really wants to know who his dad is/was. He has been told also from his auntie there is nothing ‘bad’ to discover just that his mum wanted to brush it under the carpet. Religious family in a community that it was frowned on not to be married etc and that must of been awful for her. I get that. She is very selfish though generally and I suppose that’s wher the anger comes from. I also don’t like having my child do through some extra tests to find answers we may of been able. Life’s not perfect though is it.

OP posts:
StealthNinjaMum · 25/08/2018 17:36

Hi op I think this is one of those cases where you are being reasonable but perhaps worded it strongly at the beginning and annoyed people. The word furious is over the top.

Also you posted wanting to do the research when - I honestly don't mean this rudely but it will be probably sound rude - it isn't really your business. Presumably your husband's had years to find out the truth and wasn't interested enough to do it so it makes it look like you're pushing it more than him?

Also I think there is more to the story than your mil lets on. Guessing your husband is about 30, it's not like the olden days when a woman/ girl might 'visit a relative' and have a pregnancy hushed up and baby taken away. None of us know why your mother wanted the baby adopted, perhaps she was raped or abused or dumped by the father? Perhaps not? None of us know. Maybe she needs empathy more than fury.

I hope you and your dh can get some resolution on this.

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 17:36

@DonutCone I don’t care what you find hard to believe I don’t need to justify anything to you.

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nonnatushouse · 25/08/2018 17:41

My DP has an older half sister who doesn’t know who her dad is. There are three other siblings who all have the same father and MIL’s estate is all being sorted out (she died recently) and it’s awful.

Not knowing who her father is has made her quite resentful of her other siblings and she’s taken her feelings out on them now MIL has died.

It’s all very sad, any hope of finding out who her father is died along with her mother. She didn’t tell anyone anything other than when he found out he had impregnated her he asked her to marry him - she threw his ring in the river, walked away and never saw him again. That’s all she would ever say. Perhaps she had her reasons, perhaps not.

You will never get it out of her who his father is. She may have (what she feels to be) genuine reasons for this. It’s sad, frustrating and upsetting but she will likely never tell.

GreenMeerkat · 25/08/2018 17:42

My DH is NC with his dad who was also adopted so have no idea of his medical history on that side. Not much we can do about that really.

You don't really have justification to be furious with your MIL. I can see why you want to know, but ultimately it's up to her.

Shylo · 25/08/2018 17:42

I think you’ve had a rough ride on this thread @tigertill716

My exdp is in a similar position and for him his mum’s refusal to tell him anything about his father has had a lasting and profound affect on him and in turn, his children and me. To be fair, the issues also arise from his childhood in general but the crux of it all for him is his mums refusal to tell him anything at all.

As much as I wanted to help the issue was always between my exdp and his mum and I didn’t intervene - however her refusal to talk to her son means that currently he is NC with her, which is sad for all concerned

I think you need to leave your DP to discuss it with his mum and just be there to support him, as hard as that may be .

harrypotternerd · 25/08/2018 17:42

don't just assume everything was fine between MIL and FIL even if MIL says it was.
my ex has not seen my DC is many years. We split up when my DC where very young and they rarely ask now (10 and 11) but previously I have told them their dad and I were not getting along and we both loved them very much and that I didn't know where he was. I also told them he worked a lot. That is what I have told DP family (obviously not so much about the working) and most of my family and friends.

Here is what really happened: both my children were born after ex poked holes in condoms, at the time my oldest DC was born I thought it was just contraception failure, I grew suspicious when I conceived my second DC. My ex was also violent and had been in and out of prison and the last night we were together attempted to kill me, only reason he didn't was because neighbours had called the police when they heard screaming.

Obviously at my DC ages I will not be telling them what really happened and I would not tell any future partner of theirs what really happened. I will one day tell them the truth I suppose, when they are adults and if they ask but as it stands now they have no interest in him and never bring him up.
Don't assume your MIL told you the truth. She may have felt uncomfortable telling you what really happened. The only reason I am telling you what happened with my ex is because I am completely anonymous.