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AIBU?

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Original poster

How to support DH finding out who his biological father is **TITLE EDITED BY MNHQ AT OP'S REQUEST**

347 replies

Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 16:35

I’m not sure how to go about this. DH has never know who he dad is, never was spoken about. I asked MIL when completing maternity notes and got very little details, not even a name. We want to know more and i’m not sure if we will get much out of her. Has anyone ever tried this successfully. He might not know he has a child.

AIBU to want to know at some point in our life? I’m annoyed about the situation as feel it is left of our child’s family tree.

OP posts:
CoughLaughFart · 26/08/2018 12:28

You seem to have become very hung up on the name being the key to everything - possibly because of your resentment towards your mother-in-law. One of your posts even refers to how ‘easy’ it would be for her to give the information. Perhaps - but don’t assume the information would make things easy for you.

If the father’s name is Horatio Hetherington-Smythe and she has a date of birth and last known address, all well and good. What if his name is Steve Smith or Bob Jones, and all your MIL knew was that he was from Birmingham or Manchester? She might not even be sure on year of birth, never mind date. There could be hundreds, if not thousands, of possibilities.

You (quite disparagingly) reminded one poster that this is your life, not EastEnders. And you’re right. So you need to prepare yourself for the fact that you won’t start looking in Monday’s episode and find him in time for the Friday cliffhanger - this could take years. Assuming you do even find him, he may not want to be found and may be even less keen to share his medical history.

I understand your concerns for your husband, but in terms of the medical records/tests issue, your father-in-law’s name alone is not the magic piece of the jigsaw you think it is. Your children could be adults before you get anywhere with this search. Get in with any tests they need now.

dinosaurkisses · 26/08/2018 13:15

I feel for your DH, OP.

I had a bf during uni who was from a similar situation- mother rared him as a single mum and never told him who his dad was. She did her best, but they didn’t have a warm relationship and he never felt able to ask her.

It had a massive impact on his life and relationships- he became very close to my dad and admitted it was because he’d never had a real father-figure who cared about him before.

I would never ever have broached it with exMIL as we weren’t close, but I grew to be resentful of her withholding ex’s dad’s identity after seeing how much it affected him. I got the impression that she would prefer not to tell him rather than have a conversation that might have been slightly awkward for her.

And as for the “What if she’d been raped?” - that was something that exDP focused on so much, that he pretty much took for granted that’s what happened, with all the mind-fuckery for him that came with it. There was no evidence or indication that was what happened, but he preferred to think of the worst case scenario as a way of protecting himself.

It was so frustrating as a partner having to support someone whose biggest problem could have been solved with a conversation, whether that ended with a name and a story or a simple “I’m sorry, I can’t talk about it, your father wasn’t a nice person but I never regretted having you.”

ApolloandDaphne · 26/08/2018 13:44

My grandmother never ever knew who her father was. Her mother refused to tell anyone who he was. That means that in our family we have a whole strand that is unknown. My mother doesn't know who her grandfather was and I don't know who my great grandfather was. And to be honest none of this has ever mattered a jot in terms of the family identity or the medical history.

If this information is not forthcoming OP I don't think there is anything your DH can do and he may just have to come to terms with never knowing.

user1457017537 · 26/08/2018 14:08

Several generations ago there was a lot more secrecy and lies in families. At. N advanced age I have just found out my grandfather had two families who both lived a couple of miles apart, and at one time in the 1920’s next door to one another. It took a hundred years for this to come out, and then it was revealed by accident by someone ev knew. Apparently itcas an open secret to everyone but his children.

3luckystars · 26/08/2018 14:12

It’s amazing, there are no secrets now hardly. Everything is out and photos of it too.

Lizzie48 · 26/08/2018 16:59

My DM has told me that my aunt (her much older DSis) has never been told who her biological father was. She grew up believing that my DM's DF was her dad, but then found out that he wasn't on her wedding day. My DM (6 at the time) remembers being told to go into the room where the food was whilst the grown ups talked about it.

There was a family scandal about her biological father because their mum had an affair with a married man.

My aunt has always viewed her stepdad as her dad and accepted it.

Cherrygardenst · 26/08/2018 17:04

If your DH wants to know, she should tell him. If my mother refused to tell me, I'd tell her to fuck off then.

Cherrygardenst · 26/08/2018 17:05

My mother never knew her father.
I grew up with a step-father. So we are missing that strand if family.
I never knew who my father was. I know a name , that's it. So missing that strand too.

Cherrygardenst · 26/08/2018 17:07

If the mother refused to tell her son, I think she's being selfish. He has a right to know.

My mother let me grow up thinking my abusive step-father was my real dad. I was absolutely furious when I found out I'd been lied to and my siblings were only my half-siblings.
I wasn't furious about finding out my grandfather wasn't my real grandfather though, because he wasn't abusive and earned the title anyway.

Cherrygardenst · 26/08/2018 17:08

Imagine I could bump into my father's other kids and cop off with them, unintentional incest. It's a mess.

Lacypants · 26/08/2018 17:49

My uncle is only my dad's half brother, my gran fell pregnant by a punter as she was prostituted by her mother. My grandad married her while she was pregnant and raised my uncle as his own.

There's any number of reasons she may not want to, or be able to, tell. Even saying you know the circumstances around his birth, has it not occured to you that she might be lying? Just leave it alone.

Nutkins24 · 26/08/2018 17:54

My dh was in exactly the same situation, he found his dad on Facebook with just his name in the end, He messaged him, they exchanged quite a few messages, he was up for meeting then it all petered out. He’d know about him but just didn’t want to be a dad at a young age. Dh was conceived during a one night stand I think. Do not take on this search yourself. It’s up to your DH. If it’s something he is interested in doing support him but I would agree with others that ultimately it’s none of your business, you don’t need to know medical history that far back. Leave it be.

Cherrygardenst · 26/08/2018 17:58

There's any number of reasons she may not want to, or be able to, tell

None of those reasons are valid if her son asks her. Unless she genuinely doesn't know.

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 26/08/2018 18:00

Thanks for sharing, i do think it’s my business as it affects my family and I am supporting my DH by exploring the possibilities so I can promot some of these thoughts to make sure he has considered a lot of what you guys have highlighted. It’s his choice and I will support what he wants to do

OP posts:
pudcat · 26/08/2018 18:48

My dad never knew who his father was, so I have never known my granddad. We know that his mum had to go away to have her baby and he was brought up by his mum's sisters. But no one would say who his dad was. You have to leave it as it could have been a traumatic time that your M in L doesn't want to relive.

Cherrygardenst · 26/08/2018 19:08

could have been a traumatic time that your M in L doesn't want to relive

Tough fucking shit

PerfectPenquins · 26/08/2018 19:26

I really do believe everyone deserves to have the option to find out about their biological parents once they become an adult that information should be made available to them. My friend who was adopted was desperate to know who her biological parents were just to know what they looked like, their names and what are like. She really resented her adoptive mum for ages for refusing to help her thinking she would be replaced. It was very very sad and I felt awful for her just wondering, we have lost touch now but I do hope she found her family in the end

Lizzie48 · 26/08/2018 20:26

That was very shortsighted of your friend's adoptive mum, @PerfectPenquins speaking as an adoptive mum myself. I've committed myself to helping my DDs if they ever want to meet their birth parents when they're grown up. They're birth sisters and I'm aware that they have a bond between them that DH and I don't share. They also have birth siblings in other adoptive families and DH and I would have liked to arrange meet ups with them, but their parents are not willing to do that. There is Facebook contact, though, so I'm sure they'll contact each other when they can access SM.

Burying your head in the sand is never a good idea IMHO. My only concern will be about them getting hurt, but we can't protect them from everything in life.

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 26/08/2018 20:27

@PerfectPenquins thank you for sharing and I completely agree, I do think he has the right to have a more informed conversation then he can make a more informed decision about pursuing.

OP posts:
PerfectPenquins · 26/08/2018 20:36

Lizzie48, I admit I can understand adoptive mums fears, she had been there from age 5 and raised her child. The teenage years was when it really became an issue for my friend she really felt like she needed know and that feeling only grew. This met with her mums fears and refusal to help just made it all implode. Very sad for both of them.

Lizzie48 · 26/08/2018 20:49

I do understand her fears, and I haven't yet faced the teenage angst, my 2 DDs are 9 and 6. I confess that I am a bit nervous about it. Now SS do train adoptive parents about the teenage years, and also adopted children have access to their SS files when they're 18, so things are different now.

DonutCone · 27/08/2018 06:46

My DM is adopted. Her mother wouldn't ever say who her Father was. She probably didn't know! I don't think many woman of that generation would willingly admit that actually they don't know who the Father is. She may have led you to believe something else in the past to shut down the conversation.

UniversalAunt · 27/08/2018 08:26

Even if MiL shares name of DH’s father with him (not you), there is no guarantee he will be found & then share any information about his health.

There are some medical conditions which skip generations or involves carrying a specific gene pattern which have serious implications. But if these come through the father then testing your DH will be enough ?

If your child is having further tests, then this will be more reliable & relevant than trying to track someone down who may not have the information required, may not know or be unreliable.

GreenFuzzy · 27/08/2018 14:09

I know someone that used genes reunited, and wow.

They are from 7 siblings, their parents were together over 60 years (both deceased). My friends brother thought he was the oldest.
Then a cousin contacted them and said he had been contacted by a lady who genes reunited had shown to be a cousin type match of.

Putting everything together it turned out that her parents had had a child before they were married (child together), and had her adopted.

They went on to get married and had 7 more children.

Nobody had ever known about the first child, in 60 years her parents had never told any of them.

They met up with their older sister and know have a great relationship with her.

Good luck with your search.

CoughLaughFart · 27/08/2018 14:23

*could have been a traumatic time that your M in L doesn't want to relive

Tough fucking shit*

You sound like trash.