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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to support DH finding out who his biological father is **TITLE EDITED BY MNHQ AT OP'S REQUEST**

347 replies

Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 16:35

I’m not sure how to go about this. DH has never know who he dad is, never was spoken about. I asked MIL when completing maternity notes and got very little details, not even a name. We want to know more and i’m not sure if we will get much out of her. Has anyone ever tried this successfully. He might not know he has a child.

AIBU to want to know at some point in our life? I’m annoyed about the situation as feel it is left of our child’s family tree.

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theanonymum1 · 25/08/2018 18:18

This sounds oddly familiar to my DP's story! Except I full well know what happened - MIL decided she wanted a baby so went out and got herself one - she still brags about it now. DP has never cared (or so he says) but I am a little sad for DS who might have more family out there. My DF was very cagey about his family (he had seven brothers and sisters that I knew nothing about) and I was very curious about them, to the point that I spent about a year trying to research my family tree at the age of 18. I found a lot of them and wish I hadn't now ha, but that's a story for another thread!!

My point is, I know that I felt a bit rootless and a bit disconnected as I grew up, UNTIL I found this family that I didn't really know I ever had. I hate that my DS could grow up feeling like that and I'm unable to give him answers.

In MIL's situation, I feel it was really selfish for her to do what she did. She deprived a man and his family of a child, my DP of a biological father and my DS of a whole other family. I understand your frustrations completely, but I wouldn't ever confront my MIL about it.

IggyAce · 25/08/2018 18:19

My dh has no idea who his father is and is NC with his mother, he was brought up by his grandparents and until he was 7 he thought they were his parents.
We have 2 DCs and I did worry a little in case they inherited a genetic disease but I had no problems completing the medical questions for my midwife I was just honest and said dh didn’t know his father.
This is something that your dh needs to discuss with his dm.

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 18:23

It’s always been an issue for him to know, not just now and we would not contact his biological dad to interrogate on medical history, it would be helpful yes but we are so far away. Some of the responses on here are just nasty for the sake of it. Some are really helpful and supportive and for those I thank you very much.

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Pengggwn · 25/08/2018 18:24

You had a baby with someone without knowing who his father was. That is your responsibility. You have no right to interrogate your MIL.

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 18:26

@Pengggwn I think you get the prize for the most unhelpful remark on here.

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Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 18:28

@Pengggwn I would be interested to know at what point I have interrogated someone. Maybe take the time to read and review or if you haven’t don’t post such a stupid comment and scroll on

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abbsisspartacus · 25/08/2018 18:30

With respect you don't know the circumstances you only know what she has told people they can be two totally seperate things

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 18:32

@abbsisspartacus you’re right, she could of lied when I spoke to her, I will leave DH to review with her and maybe just having that conversation to explain how he feels and how this has impacted him might make him feel better just getting that off his chest.

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InfiniteVariety · 25/08/2018 18:33

To answer the question in your title:

Yes it is unreasonable to be furious with your MIL.

It is not unreasonable for your husband to want to know more about his father but it is for him to take this up with his mother

POPholditdown · 25/08/2018 18:34

Hmm some replies are surprising. The DH wants to know who his dad his, his mum has said she knows who he is but wont divulge. I don’t think that’s been fair on him. (Granted this wasn’t in the OP but the replies haven’t really changed since this was mentioned).

If there were traumatic circumstances, wouldn’t it be more likely that his mum would just say she doesn’t know who he is (seeing as she’s been honest about the adoption, which I think might have been just as hard to say to your child whether it’s true or not)

I have no real advice tbh OP but can share my experience. I have never met my dad. My mum told me he was dead, my family recognised him on the news one day (not doing anything bad just part of a documentary or something). It came out he was married at the time, she’d had an affair with him (she was 17). I don’t know if she genuinely knew he was alive or not. We never speak about it now.

It has never bothered me much though, apart from occasionally wondering if I have more siblings (and maybe a mansion waiting for me in inheritanceWink).

I do think though, to preserve what little relationship your DH has with his mum now, it might be worth it to just leave it alone. There’s every chance that his dad knows about him and just hasn’t made an effort himself.

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 18:34

@InfiniteVariety thanks and I’m hindsight it’s poorly phrased. I’ll rethink when I post again how best to get my point and question over to keep the mob at bay.

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Oldaintallthat · 25/08/2018 18:37

From the sounds of this, she isnt going to be very forthcoming in any conversation with your DH anyway. Help him to prepare emotionally for that and try to leave the medical history out of it - she may see that as a emotional blackmail and clam up even further. Yes, it would be a handy thing to have, but I do think the focus here is more on your DH's feelings.

Sarahandduck18 · 25/08/2018 18:41

Yabu

All my dc have GPs they have no contact with.

It’s not an issue.

If she’s keeping it a secret he’s not likely to be a nice bloke is he?

Would you want to know your dp was the son of a rapist/murderer/child abuser?

Westworldmaeve · 25/08/2018 18:41

If your DH wants to know who his father is then he has to be the one to ask her. She'll never tell you instead of her son. That would be weird, you knowing and then informing him. It's really up to DH now. I do find it strange that he hasn't really asked before though.

Loonoon · 25/08/2018 18:42

I am in a similar position. All I know about my biological dad is his name and I am told he was a violent man. I don’t push my mum for more details as it distresses her. It is a sadness to me as I would like to know more about him, his medical history, my paternal grandparents who I have some fond memories of and any other siblings I might have but I respect my mums needs as well as my own.

Its not an ideal situation but I would be very pissed off with my DH if he started to intervene in what is a very delicate family dynamic.

dustarr73 · 25/08/2018 18:51

Op i dont know who my bio dad is.And if my dp went on like you i would lose the head.

Its none of your business.Your post comes across as nosy and dying to know everyones business.

Just put dont know,thats what i did when asked questions.

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 18:52

@Sarahandduck18 not sure you have bothered to read the thread in full

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Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 18:54

@dustarr73 sorry about your situation. Ours is different, DH reading between the lines his mum had never told his biological father she was pregnant as she was going to have him adopted and there was a comment over not being able to tell him years later as it would be a surprise. So no violent circumstances on that side.

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FidgetyFingers · 25/08/2018 18:54

YANBU to be upset that your Mil is refusing to tell your DH who his father is. From your PP it looks like she has a habit of putting her needs above his.

Every child has a right to know who their father is.

Whether he was conceived in traumatic circumstances or not, he still has a right to know and as an adult he can understand that his father's actions don't reflect on him, so that's a pretty lame excuse if she was using that as one.

I would be pretty disgusted with her too.

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 18:56

@dustarr73 that’s what we have done and I have spoken to her twice about it in 12 years, last time was around 6 years ago. I have and will not discuss it with her directly again it’s just a very difficult situation.

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ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 25/08/2018 18:56

On the contrary, I think if you’re having your husbands baby it is your business. My paternal grandfather was absent and it was my mum getting pregnant with me that pushed my Dad to get proper info from his mother about who his father was and why he wasn’t around. They ended up using the Salvation Army family tracing service to find him. He was dead, but it meant my Dad knows his half siblings and had more of an idea of his medical background etc.

Those saying it’s got nothing to do with you are wrong in my opinion.

Lizzie48 · 25/08/2018 18:56

TRIGGER WARNING

I think you need to be careful what you wish for. I was a victim of childhood SA. I got pregnant and had a baby boy that died. My DSis had a baby girl that she believes survived. How do you think that child would feel to learn the horrible truth? Gaps in the family tree are sometimes a blessing.

Having said that, I don't think you deserve the pasting you've had on this thread, I don't know what comes over some posters on AIBU sometimes. Hmm

Joboy · 25/08/2018 18:56

You do DNA test on Ancestry @tiger716 . As I said Facebook group like DNA detectives with walk you though what you have do next .
Your MIL might not know who DH father is anyways .
There is web called promethease that you can put raw DNA and it will tell a bit about health DNA

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 18:57

@FidgetyFingers thank you. You’ve summarised where my anger comes from.

I think a lot of people think I have driven this but I haven’t. I have calmed my DH down so many times and tried to see both sides, it’s just hat in it position for our child’s sake it would of been so much better to know more then we do on that side if we could.

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Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 19:00

@Lizzie48 thanks for sharing and thanks for your support too, I had no idea I was in for it but looking back at the title can see I didn’t put things over quite rightly! Still, there’s some pretty nasty comments

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