How to support DH finding out who his biological father is **TITLE EDITED BY MNHQ AT OP'S REQUEST**

[Tigertill716]

I’m not sure how to go about this. DH has never know who he dad is, never was spoken about. I asked MIL when completing maternity notes and got very little details, not even a name. We want to know more and i’m not sure if we will get much out of her. Has anyone ever tried this successfully. He might not know he has a child.

AIBU to want to know at some point in our life? I’m annoyed about the situation as feel it is left of our child’s family tree.

@CoughLaughFart come again? Who sounds like trash?

The person I quoted.

How? I don't think having a traumatic experience means a parent has the right to withold info to kid about their bio parents.

I don't care if my mum was raped by my bio dad, I still think she should tell me and if be fucked off with her if she didn't.

Not as in "I don't care about the trauma" but "I don't think trauma is a valid reason to withold info"

“Not as in "I don't care about the trauma" but "I don't think trauma is a valid reason to withold info"”

Which mean you don’t care about the trauma.

I dont know who my biological father is.and didnt know anything until in my forties when my older sister sent for my original birth certificate
My mother had kept it from me because she was ashamed of the circumstances, but it had forced a resentment on my part because of the lies she had told me,
When i did find out i told her it wouldnt have made any diffeence,it was difficult times, [war years in my case] but there were so many wasted years between us, because i didnt know the truth,
Thankfully we made our peace before she died
I think your DH should ask her again, but make it clear it will not force a bridge between them or he will forever resent her for not telling the truth

@acrossthepond55
Why should mother's trauma trump your right to know who your bio father is?

Also, it doesn't mean that I don't care. Not caring would be "I don't care you were sexually abused" not "I care that you were sexually abused but I would also like to know who my father is."

As an adoptee who had lovely adoptive parents I still despearately wanted to know who my birth parents were so that I could connect to my ancestral roots. I did an Ancestry DNA test last year knowing only my bio mother’s first name and surname (both common) as shown on my original birth certificate (no father’s name).

My results showed 200 fourth cousins or closer with the closest being a second cousin. I managed to build out various DNA matches trees and successfully identified both of my biological parents. Ancestry DNA is an unbelievably powerful tool for anyone searching for their biological family.

I'm just saying that your statement contradicted itself IMO. You can't care about the trauma yet think it's not a valid reason to not want to talk about it. You either respect the mother's trauma and therefore respect her privacy, or you don't respect the trauma and therefore demand to know.

And FYI, I don't know who my bio father is. Or my bio mother for that matter. I'm adopted.

And FYI, I don't know who my bio father is. Or my bio mother for that matter. I'm adopted.

I don't know my bio dad either. I got a name and that's it. But if my mum refused to tell me, for whatever reason, it's invalid. It's not right to hide info from your kids when they come asking, denying them info about their own family

No matter what (imo)

I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree.

DNA is the way to go. Bio mothers sometimes do not know the bf's name, or lie out of shame. But dna doesn't lie.
DNA Detectives, thednadetectives.com/in-the-media/ they also have a facebook group. Watch some of the videos. I suggest your dh does an ancestry dna test and a FamilyTreeDNA Y67 test. The Y test will show his paternal line only. Good luck

It’s tricky as we believe the biological dad won’t be on the certificate or have any knowledge of his existence. Hard one to open that up if he went down dna etc and actually found him? I wonder if alive how the biological dad would feel.

Once again, your child's medical issues are completely separate from your H's issues regarding his paternity.

Which is more important to you?

Before doing anything, your H urgently needs to find a therapist to find out exactly what he seeks - is it a father or the name of a father? Is it some sort of closure with his mother? Are his issues related to his upbringing by a mother who was not able to give him a secure childhood, and could the paternity thing be ignored and could the relationship with the mother be more fruitful to examine? A therapist would walk him through various scenarios involving the unknown father and what he expects by finding out a name. A therapist could help pinpoint the exact itch that he wants to scratch here.

But if this is only or even mainly about figuring out what your child's genetic profile may be, then you don't need a name - you only need the genetic profile. A name or even a meeting with a father would not give you this information.

Are you yourself prepared to find out something really unpalatable about this mystery man - that you and your H may be first cousins, for instance, or that he might be a paedophile or rapist or a member of some organisation you abhor, or someone who has umpteen children by various mothers all over the country. Some sort of nasty scumbag... How would that knowledge affect your view of your H or your view of this man's grandchildren, your children?

The funny thing is that there are probably many posters on this thread who ‘know’ who their father is and fill in forms with medical backgrounds accordingly - yet they are wrong in that who they think is their father is not their bio father. Medical professionals do take this into account when gathering family background. The information you provide will not eliminate the need for certain tests if things are not adding up or they still can’t figure things out.

In my extended family I know of 2 instances where adults don’t know their father is not their bio father. I also know of 2 instances with acquaintances where don’t know (1 older adult, 1 younger adult). In all cases the person who they believe is their father is listed on the birth certificate so they will never find out that way. Maybe our birth certificates are handled differently here or there may have even been changes over the years and it’s not possible anymore to prevent this as it was pretty common place. That’s 4 people I know of. That won’t include people who have had affairs while married and kept it secret from everyone etc. I would think if everyone I knew was tested via DNA there would likely be more than 4 and I come from a pretty conservative family and have what I would consider to be pretty conservative friendship groups.

I agree I know of two women who have told men that children are theirs when they are not or they cannot be sure.

I’d be very careful here OP.

One of my best friends was raised by a wonderful man from when she was a year old. She wanted to know the truth about her birth dad and unfortunately found out he is in jail for multiple child molestation. It really traumatised her for a long while. Just remember when you open the box there is no going back.

Unless she gives you a name it's going to be impossible.

It’s not impossible without his name but more difficult (I didn’t know my birth father’s name but still found him through Ancestry).

Some time has passed on this thread, but I’ll chip in with some practical information.

If your DH decides to search for his father, there are non-profit agencies, e.g Salvation Army, that can help people & part of that process is some preparatory discussion/counselling before the search begins. The opportunity to talk this through with someone experienced in these matters may help your DH considerably.

Critical to any search is useful reliable data. Your MiL is unlikely to shift her stance on this, so your DH as an adult is free to go round her. First stop is his aunt - what can she tell him about his father, e.g name (Bobby Bloggs),approximate age (early 20s in 1980s) where he lived (within a few streets) , any known other relatives (mum Gertie, dad Balthazar aka Bert, sis Delilah etc ). Build up a rough portrait.

I did a search for someone in roughly the same situation & was successful. I searched online for electoral rolls for the known area in 1980s to determine where they were held, then booked an appointment to view the records. This took me to the British Library. Trawling through the records, I found the exact address of the family involved. So I now had a set of people over age of 18. From this, I searched the BMD registers for births, marriages & deaths for those recorded. This allowed me to cast forward to current day with full names & ages of those people & their children. I ordered copies of a couple marriage certificates to double check my facts. Checking online dbs like 123.com gave me current addresses.

I also checked Facebook for names of youngest members of the family. I found the whole family online including photos. Privacy settings (!).

Not difficult if your DH is organised & determined.

Under no circumstances, would I contact the people I found directly. I gave the initial sets of facts to the person searching to be shared with an agency. For me, finding what I could was solving a puzzle & I was careful not to get over involved or go too far in a highly sensitive situation.

Giving a few facts to an agency who know a) what to do & b) how to approach people in this situations & c) manage the outcome would be the wisest course.