How to support DH finding out who his biological father is **TITLE EDITED BY MNHQ AT OP'S REQUEST**

[Tigertill716]

I’m not sure how to go about this. DH has never know who he dad is, never was spoken about. I asked MIL when completing maternity notes and got very little details, not even a name. We want to know more and i’m not sure if we will get much out of her. Has anyone ever tried this successfully. He might not know he has a child.

AIBU to want to know at some point in our life? I’m annoyed about the situation as feel it is left of our child’s family tree.

What Portsmouth said.

If she was going to have him adopted, and instead her parents stepped in and brought him up, it sounds like she really didn't want to have a child. It all sounds very very fraught, who knows what awful hurtful thing she might blurt out if pushed on the subject.

FatCow2018 Not sure there is any need for your agreesion and lauguage in your post

Well lots of people think they know who their dad is and it’s actually someone else. (I read one in ten once but that seems like a lot!)

I suppose as you are now becoming a parent yourself, it’s aggravating to you that she has kept such important information from your husband. It must seem really selfish to you but none of us know her reasons.

If it was me, I would encourage your husband to write her a letter, saying ‘I would like to find out more about my dad, can you help me out before I go searching myself’ in a nice way.

Best of luck anyway x

KickAssAngel Thank you, I appreciate the advice.

3luckystars Thank you, good suggestion.

It is my business as I needed to complete medical forms for our child that asked specific questions on family tree I was unable to answer.

These forms are almost always incomplete in some respects and the health of a grandparent is normally only moderately informative in the child's medical history. What was the very specific question you were asked about his health?

What was the question that they kept asking?
You certainly won't be the first person not to have all the answers!

OP I think that a lot of the people giving you a hard time are being very unreasonable. The reality is that women fail to disclose details about paternity for a whole host of different reasons, some extremely good (and often tragic) and some utterly selfish. All of the posters assuming that there MUST be a legitimate reason are being absurd, they are not in a position to know that.

Failing to disclose basic information to her adult DS, so that he can make his own choices, is neither kind nor responsible. Furthermore, the medical information could one day be critical. Any people have a crystal ball, they shouldn't be brushing that off as a non-essential concern.

I hope that you find a way through this as a family. Don't let some of the responses on AIBU knock your confidence in your own judgement, some people attack the OP more or less on principle.

Even if she knows his name; you're unlikely to find any medical information. He might not be alive anymore; he might not want anything to do with DH.

I wouldn't risk unleashing a world of pain on your DH during your pregnancy. If he really wanted to know, he's had plenty of opportunities to try and find out. Anything he does now will seem heavily influenced by you which won't help relationships; and you're very unlikely to get the info that you need anyway.

I had something similar with DCs father. He was brought up by his DF and no mention of DM. The DF married and had other children who did not know about 1st wife. DF killed in an accident so no further chance of information.

Years later the DC was born with no information on the paternal grand father. NHS were aware of the lack of information and advised accordingly re health care matters.
More years passed and the unknown mother got in contact. I can understand why there was no information on her. The Grandfather seemed to have blocked the whole matter out of his mind. Was in the military so that might have been a further reason for that time never being talked about.
Don't pry and don't be furious. Accept the situation as is. Maybe MIL has blocked something out of her mind and it would be too cruel to force her to recall things she does not want to be part of now.

What was so specifically important medically that they kept asking you? I would be more annoyed at that, if you said "I don't know" then it should be left at that.

I don't think OP should need to reveal health questions on here.

OP - becoming a parent can be really difficult for anyone who had problem parents themselves. They question how come someone didn't love them as fully as they love their own child, and can be very disturbed by looking back at their past.

You can't tell your DH how to feel - it will be hard for him, and his feelings won't always make sense. But only do anything if he asks you to, and listen if/when he needs to talk.

This can be upsetting for you too. I find MIL past actions stratospherically batshit crazy and inhumane as they're the complete opposite of how my family (dys)functions. DH thinks they're a bit odd/unsettling but not that unusual, and that my family are equally as weird. Our own normal feels normal and becomes accepted/rationalized, so your DH will be experiencing this differently from you.

Armadillostoes you have hit the nail on the head and i’m so glad someone understands. Thank you for your comment it’s made me feel miles better than the others where I felt lynched!

Honestly I have told my son a story about the circumstances of his birth. It’s not a nice story but I can assure it’s better than the truth.
If he needs specific genetic information or has a genuinely burning desire to know I’ll maybe tell him the truth. I sure as shite will not tell my DIL to fill in her maternity forms. The fathers details were blank when I was pregnant and it maybe zero difference. I’m positive 1 grandfather doesn’t matter.

Get his dna done with ancestry or 23andme . You get matches which are constantly updated, hundreds of them. It'll help you work it out.

Tell her you're doing this and watch her squirm.

He has a right to know, no matter what the circumstances of his conception were.

She told me the circumstances herself so I do know how he was conceived and what circumstances they were.

It's just that I can think of two deeply traumatic realities within my own family where the official story turns out not to be what really happened. What your MIL has told you may not be the truth. It's even possible she's never told anyone, even her parents, especially if they overruled her own initial decision to have her baby adopted -- which of course may have been a relief to her, but may have also meant she felt even more powerless than being unwillingly pregnant.

I appreciate that what sounds like officiousness about your medical notes is probably covering up concern for your DH, OP, but he needs to be the one to initiate this. IF he wants to. He's the only one who has the right to. The medical notes thing is a bit of a red herring -- many of us have huge gaps in family medical notes.

Some people never know their family medical history - you do realise that don't you?

DH was born in a women's refuge, we know who his father is and DH has chosen not to contact him, he knows DH exists and has never sought to contact him, even though his mum lived at the same address he knew she lived at for seven years after he was born with her parents (that's why she had to go into refuge at first). DH had been told that his dad didn't know about him, in a misguided attempt to stop him feeling rejected, all that served to do was create tension between him , his mum and maternal GPs. Many years ago DH and his mum had a conversation and he was told the truth, it caused a lot of upset but it's better that he knows. However there was no way, I was going to track this man down (we found him on FB before it wouldn't be hard to contact him) to fill out a medical questionnaire that isn't even that important. I just said to the midwife that DH doesn't have contact with his biological father so we don't know his medical history, we know the rest, she was completely fine and not concerned at all. This is not your business to be annoyed about. If you're DH wants info, it shouldn't be about a questionnaire, it should be his conversation to have with his mother, if and when he chooses to. Or have you told him it's vital? If so it's even worse.

I think you’re the one being selfish. Your MIL is as entitled to having her privacy respected as much, no more, than you are t know who some distant stranger is. The idea that your husbands unknown father can have an 8mpa t on your son’s medical history is silly. Even genetically it’s not a huge issue as grandad is only one eighth of the genetic makeup of your son. There are very few conditions where certainty about grandparents identity are a significant factor in outcomes.

Really unkind to keep on at his mother and not accept the word no. It could actually drive the family apart.

BTW - I know who my mum is but I have no idea of her medical history as we have not spoken properly in over 25 years - it won't change the outcome for any health related issues that may come to my DC.

@ReservoirDogs thanks for the sarcasm, why don’t you scroll on next time as you have added nothing helpful to this

OP, I can see that you would want the medical information for your child BUT it does look as if you are using this to try and get the information you want out of your MIL! Which is not on, really. You need to leave it now. It's not the first time medics will not have any info on one side.

You’re right, I suppose there is margain for lies. Going to give it all some thought and encourage DH to speak to his mum. Believe it or not I have a better relationship with her and we do talk, i’ve Helped her a lot with various situations in her life emotionally and financially but we have only briefly spoken about this. I always felt privately I wanted to know but I have never pressed her.

DH can speak with her directly if he wishes to pursue, I suppose it rarely turns out like long lost families or happy endings.

I can see both sides of this. I have never met my biological father. I dont even know his name. He left my mum high and dry when she was pregnant with twins. Didnt care until I had my own babies - and only for the medical history.
Fast forward a few years and I did the usual - met an idiot, got pg, didnt stay together, he ended up on drugs. I am still, 28 years later, massively ashamed of my choice in him although my son is the best thing to ever happen to me.
If my son asked me (he has told me he doesnt think its relevant to him) then I would tell him. If my DIL insisted I told her that would be a different matter. I love her dearly, but she is not my child, and I dont have to discuss any details of my past with her.