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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to support DH finding out who his biological father is **TITLE EDITED BY MNHQ AT OP'S REQUEST**

347 replies

Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 16:35

I’m not sure how to go about this. DH has never know who he dad is, never was spoken about. I asked MIL when completing maternity notes and got very little details, not even a name. We want to know more and i’m not sure if we will get much out of her. Has anyone ever tried this successfully. He might not know he has a child.

AIBU to want to know at some point in our life? I’m annoyed about the situation as feel it is left of our child’s family tree.

OP posts:
Mammalamb · 25/08/2018 17:44

Hi OP. This really isn’t your business. It’s your husbands business; between him and his mother to sort. My DH is adopted, so we know absolutely nothing about his family health background. When I was pregnant, at no point did any medical professional push us for more details; my husband simply said that he didn’t know his bio parents. Honestly, part of me thinks that you are just really nosey and intrusive

Doubletrouble99 · 25/08/2018 17:45

You do not need to know any of this information for the medical details of your child. I have two adopted children both of which we have no name of the father. We also don't have any ability to access their Birth Mother's medical records. I just have to tell the Drs. we don't know these details. So there really is no reason that you have to know any of this.

ragged · 25/08/2018 17:47

No point in having this thread, OP. If there is something medically important that your family needs to know, or would greatly help them to know, then your DH needs to make that case to his Mum. Otherwise, we all have to live with some uncertainties.

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 17:47

@Shylo thanks for the advice and I would agree issues arise from upbringing too. She hasn’t refused to say more just shrugged it off to him as it was ages ago and he’s turned out ok without needing to know.

The rest keep questioning the medical background, it wasn’t general notes it was specific. I really don’t need to justify this to anyone it’s a fact and if as strangers you don’t want to believe me fine just scroll on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 17:51

I do ask early on if anyone has had success if tracking people, not the medical side we have accepted that as it is and move on with what we know.

Genetics can be important for certain tests/diognosis and we have accepted we don’t know this. It’s not as straight forward just to say no due to being adopted etc as that’s not the case and the try and put this politely there are certain ethic markers which some questions have been around however I don’t wish to really discuss that further. I know the situation and I suppose I should not need to justify it.

If we do get a name i’ll leave it to my DH to decide if to pursue and if he asks me for help doing so I will support which is what I have always done following and respecting his wishes. He asked me to discuss it with his mother at the time which I did twice. I have not discussed it again for around 6 years as I don’t think it’s my place.

OP posts:
girlandboy · 25/08/2018 17:55

I was always of the opinion that medical details from grandparents didn't really matter until my husband developed a rare cancer that can have genetic origins.
Having a detailed medical knowledge of his grandparents has been invaluable to know if my children have inherited this cancer.
So all of you saying it doesn't matter; it CAN matter. And now 32 other members of the family don't have to be tested for this cancer because we now know.

AnnaMagnani · 25/08/2018 17:55

Thing is, even if you found out who FIL was from your MIL, how much of his medical history would she even know?

She was with him for a very short time when they were both young, possibly just the one encounter. It's unlikely they were discussing their health.

She probably knows nothing about his medical history that could be of any use to you.

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 17:57

@girlandboy thank you for sharing your experience, i’ve found it hard to justify this to people without discussing what’s a already hard situation.

OP posts:
Foslady · 25/08/2018 17:57

I find it very sad that you think you wishes are more important than her privacy. How would you feel if your MIL wanted personal information about you which you didn’t want to give? Just because she ‘shrugs it off’ now doesn’t mean that she accepted the situation, it may have taken her many years to get to this point - cut her some slack, eh?

Shylo · 25/08/2018 17:58

Sounds like your MIL has a similar attitude to mine - she doesn’t want to talk about it and can’t see that it is an issue for her son.

Good luck to your DP in finding a name - if you can get that then I’d say you have a good chance of tracking him down in this day and age. Although this does throw up a whole new set of issues of course.

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 17:59

@AnnaMagnani she wouldn’t but there are a few things we could find out and then if DH wanted to peruse locating him/finding out more. I suppose you can only cross that bridge when you came to it.

OP posts:
girlandboy · 25/08/2018 18:00

Because AnnaMagnani if the op's husband can get in touch with his father (if he wants to and vice versa etc etc) then he might find out a little more of a medical nature. There's a lot of "ifs" but it could be worth pursuing.

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 18:01

@Shylo this is the exact attitude. There have been so many instances of selfish behaviour, he went to 9 primary Schools is an example of one. She moved away when he was 15 to see if she could get a better job (didn’t have a job to do to) and he stayed at his gr parents as it was gcse year etc. It’s the all around selfish attitude that hurst.

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 25/08/2018 18:04

It's none of your business. It's between your husband and his mother.

You don't need the medical information. Sure, it would be nice to have it, but you don't need it. Millions of people have lived and carried on without such information about their relatives and ancestors. It's a luxury to have it frankly, not a right.

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 18:04

@Foslady I appreciate it can seem like that but I really am not a bad person. I have been so supportive and encouraging so she can have a relationship with her grandchild which she desperately wanted even though we get nothing in return.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 18:05

Sorry for all the typos, typing fast!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 18:06

@BewareOfDragons read @girlandboy post. Luxury not really the way to view it. If it was a luxury it would not matter so much. I would like to see you in the shoes we have been in and feel that it is a luxury

OP posts:
HoleyCoMoley · 25/08/2018 18:09

If it's vitally important to have a full family history because of a medical issue then I would have thought the senior doctor, specialist, would have asked for this, the health system may well have some sort of confidential tracing system for this but that's up to her and the hospital. I would advise against a DNA test, she will be very unhappy about that and he may not want to be traced.

putthesneckon · 25/08/2018 18:10

Has he thought about doing a DNA test?

optimusprimesmother · 25/08/2018 18:10

Tiger I can understand where your coming from as because what upsets DH upsets me and visa Versa Some posters are all ways quick to say ‘stay out of it’ but when your married or living with some one who is dealing with it - it’s hard not to.

Not sure what you can do though except follow your dh lead in what he wants to do and help him explore avenues if he wants to.

It must be awful to some to not know who their parents are. I Would imagine I would feel incomplete somehow. I’d rather know if my parents were bad than not tbh.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 25/08/2018 18:12

OP I think you should back off from this issue and allow your husband (presumably a competent adult) to discuss the matter directly with his mother, who may have sound reasons for not identifying his father.

it sounds as if you don't like her and are stirring up trouble and satisfying your curiosity while self righteously insisting the information is needed for medical purposes. Unless there is a known medical reason why your children urgently need to know specific information about their paternal grandfather, you are just prying.

BewareOfDragons · 25/08/2018 18:13

Sadly, we have family members with such things. Yes, it is incredibly helpful to know what to look for quicker sometimes, but it is still a luxury to know about other people's medical conditions. No one has a right to demand other people's private medical records. No one. That's actually why there are laws protecting individual medical records as well.

Stillme1 · 25/08/2018 18:15

I know the family history for both parents. I have a condition which is supposed to be genetic. There is no record of anyone having this condition, it does not appear on any death certificate going back well over 100 years. There was no sign of it in those who have been alive during my lifetime. Even knowing about relatives and ancestors does not guarantee that medical information is known. It could be that medical knowledge was not advanced enough in the past or perhaps they died before it showed.

I don't know but pushing for information is a bit rude and may not be all that helpful

girlandboy · 25/08/2018 18:17

I waited 10 months to find out the results of the genetic cancer investigations. 10 months of staring at my children's necks wondering if the cancer was already starting.

Had I not been able to find out the results of a detailed family history I don't know how I would have coped.

There was some reticence in my husband's family to divulge personal information until I explained about the far reaching consequences.

You have my every sympathy OP, I know where you're coming from.

RachelAnneJ · 25/08/2018 18:17

Not saying too much but have been in a very similar situation to you. I understand your desire to know, but as I think you've come to realise, this is between mother and son and she may well refuse to tell him.

Whilst genetically it may be easier to proceed with more knowledge, knowing someone's name isn't going to fill in the genetic gaps and I assuming testing is well underway anyway if there is a condition involved that requires it.

If you found out a name, you would then need to trace, make contact (which may or may not be welcome), have paternity accepted and then ask for private medical info (which he may or may not share with someone who is a total, albeit related, stranger).

With that in mind, you can see why knowing his name is going to offer no immediate or even short term knowledge about anything medical.

If your husband wants to know for curiosity sakes who is Dad is he needs to speak to his Mum,