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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to support DH finding out who his biological father is **TITLE EDITED BY MNHQ AT OP'S REQUEST**

347 replies

Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 16:35

I’m not sure how to go about this. DH has never know who he dad is, never was spoken about. I asked MIL when completing maternity notes and got very little details, not even a name. We want to know more and i’m not sure if we will get much out of her. Has anyone ever tried this successfully. He might not know he has a child.

AIBU to want to know at some point in our life? I’m annoyed about the situation as feel it is left of our child’s family tree.

OP posts:
FeliciaFinnakus · 25/08/2018 16:44

Honestly? I can see both sides.

DSD is 16 and lives with us full time. DH was dating her mother, she got pregnant on purpose and took drugs and drank throughout her pregnancy and DH didn’t find out DSD existed until a couple of weeks after she was born (which is a story in itself)

He had to fight for over a year to get custody of her. He has always said he will tell DSD who her mum is when she is 18, an adult and of an age to make her own decisions. She knows bits and pieces but he’s waiting until she is 18 to tell her the full story.

He will never pressure her into making a decision about whether or not to have contact with her- but at the end of the day, it’s her mum.

ilovegin112 · 25/08/2018 16:45

Maybe she doesn’t know, she might have been raped, it’s her business

Toooldtoask · 25/08/2018 16:45

It's not your business. If you don't know the answer to the question just write unknown.

If supposing you found his dad do you plan to just rock up and ask for his medical history? He might not disclose it anyway

Hoppinggreen · 25/08/2018 16:45

You don’t NEED to know.
If your husband asks you to help him find out then that’s the ONLY reason you should do anything

ProseccoPoppy · 25/08/2018 16:46

Also - are you in the UK? I never had to fill forms in which detailed anything about FIL in either of my pregnancies. They asked me all the usual “booking in” questions, asked if we were married and about DH’s ethnicity and that was about it. I could have answered questions about FIL/MIL had I needed to buy no one asked any.

hospbear · 25/08/2018 16:46

What if your DH mum was raped? Or is it was a one night stand and she simply doesn't know?

Juells · 25/08/2018 16:46

A friend's husband tracked down his birth-mother and she told him she wanted nothing to do with him as he was the result of a rape. You might be opening a can of worms best left unopened.

Sciurus83 · 25/08/2018 16:47

This is none of your business stop interfering, concentrate on what is best for your own child and give your MIL enough respect to trust that she is doing the same for hers.

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 16:49

I probably haven’t explained fully and actually I feel I’ll just get jumped on instead of anyone pointing out how to go about this.

Appreciate people taking the time to comment though, i’ll Give it all some thought.

I completely agree regarding circumstances but we know it wasn’t anything bad, just a mistake and she put him up for adoption until his grandma parents came to the hospital. She has said that because her parents brought him up she never felt the need to tell the father or him. He loved for 30 years wondering if he was the result of rape or violence but that wasn’t the case. It comes down to him not asking which he agrees is his own fault and also her not explaining, the relationship is strained at best.

I’ll give it all some thought and maybe put him off the idea as sort from this boggling feeling everything also is really good in our life. I suppose you never know how this could affect everyone.

OP posts:
CoughLaughFart · 25/08/2018 16:49

Or is it was a one night stand and she simply doesn't know?

Exactly. Or there could be more than one possibility. You’re complaining that she won’t tell you, but making the assumption she knows.

Dollymixture22 · 25/08/2018 16:49

It is unlikely that there is anything vital in his medical history that will impact on your pregnancy.

Is it worth causing all this hurt and upset, when everyone should be focused on the new member of the family.

I understand it must be really frustrating for your husband - but significantly less so for you. You could ruin your relationship with mil over this, when it is for your husband and her to sort out between them.

If you are really concerned about this aspect of your child’s DNA speak to your GP who will put your mind at rest.

GreenPimpernel · 25/08/2018 16:50

Your title suggests a weird sense of entitlement, OP -- whoever your DH's biological father is (and obviously you're concerned for him, but it needs to be his initiative to ask his mother, if he wants to, rather than you fudging the issue by insisting that your need to fill in a midwife form is more important than your MIL's decision to keep possibly very painful information to herself), by definition that man is not your father-in-law.

brummiesue · 25/08/2018 16:50

Talk about pfb, it matters nothing that you will be missing the medical details of one gramdparent! Using it as an excuse to be nosey maybe? You need to keep your nose outHmm

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 16:51

Also for what it is worth I treat my MIL very well, we get very little back or respect. There is more to this which is probably where the frustration is and not this isolated subject.

As I say we are fine as things are. I’m just frustrated at the situation when our child asks and have always brushed it off.

Thanks all.

OP posts:
Ullupullu · 25/08/2018 16:51

ProseccoP I'm in the UK and these questions are asked as part of the booking in process on the NHS. Known health conditions in your parents and the baby's father's parents. But obviously many many people are in the OPs situation and she certainly has no right imo to be "furious" with her MIL.

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 16:53

I suppose if i’m honest I do feel an entitlement to know but from the responses I might be wrong. I can admit my mistakes I suppose it’s just an emotional subject and hard to get perspective. I would never and have never put her in a difficult situation, I am frustrated probably and not openly with her which hasn’t come across here

OP posts:
LostInShoebiz · 25/08/2018 16:53

Lovely big drip feed there. Who would ever have guessed you don’t really get on...

tolerable · 25/08/2018 16:53

i understand your frustrations re form filling but suspect recipitent of said forms will have dealt with situation similar before. yabu..or at least your delivery of it is. your dh has got this far and only now curious?was there a promt? he should speak,privately with his ma.

PortsmouthNH · 25/08/2018 16:53

You don't know it wasn't rape.

The story you've heard may well be what she told her parents and your dh because she never wanted anyone to find out.

You know absolutely nothing.

Tistheseason17 · 25/08/2018 16:56

YABU to be furious and to go nosing. If MIL knew and wanted to tell you she would. None of your business.

If your child has inherited conditions that may come from an unknown grandparent then, that is unfortunate, but knowing where it came from is not going to change how it is treated.

Leave it alone.

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 16:56

She knows who it is but at the time never told him, out my DH up for adoption but then her parents came to the hospital and took them home.

It was something very specific medically and we kept being asked and I suppose it brought things up again. Like I said i’m more furious at other things and have titled and worded this badly. I wish I hadn’t posted as I feel worse reading this and like I am a interfering person. Which is not the case in reality I think i’ve Bottled a few things up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 16:57

She told me the circumstances herself so I do know how he was conceived and what circumstances they were.

OP posts:
Thehop · 25/08/2018 16:57

My exh was adopted so our ds had no medical history on that side at all, never mattered.

FatCow2018 · 25/08/2018 16:57

This reply has been deleted

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KickAssAngel · 25/08/2018 16:57

We're in the same position.

When we got married DH had to ask the name of his Dad as it was needed for the wedding certificate.(which is so fucking ridiculous as far more people know the name of their mother than their father, but anyway). MIL has also never shown DH his full birth cert.

But it isn't your problem. If your DH wants to find out, leave to to him. Listen to him, be kind. Do NOT bad-mouth his mother. However bad their relationship, she's his mother and he will resent your comments (or at least, that's my experience).

If you know a name, rough age & area you may be able to find out his Dad's date of birth, if they were married etc, but not much more.

DH really isn't bothered - he never knew his Dad so doesn't care. Sadly, MIL's behavior is such that concealing the info about DH's Dad is extremely minor compared to some of the crap she's pulled, so this one doesn't even register as worthy of more than mild surprise.

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