Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect husband to be to start prioritising us?

197 replies

oldandfedupp · 23/08/2018 07:32

My h2b’s father died earlier this year and we both looked after his mother, had her stay with us for a fortnight, sorted all the paperwork etc etc. She’s a lovely woman and we get on well.
However h2b goes to his mothers after work everyday, and on a day off he still wants to go see his mum. Says she need “looking after”. I’m not heartless, I realise she’s lost her husband (he died age 85) but am I being unreasonable asking h2b to start shifting priority back to us? I asked him to come straight home once or twice a week after work and go see his mum after work on the other nights...he started a horrendous argument over it. I had to leave work because I was so ill with my period a fortnight ago (I get horrendous pain and nausea the day I come on), and after work he came home but then went to see his mother despite me begging him to stay home and look after me. Leaving me to get up and make dinner.
We are about to marry and I explained calmly that I expect both of us to make each other a priority in marriage and while I wouldn’t want him to not have a good relationship with his mother, I needed him to understand we each come first to the other. He started a huge argument and amidst the shouting, he told me his mother comes first and that I was being restrictive and even threatened to not marry me. He also wants to move to the same town as his mother and I don’t want to as houses are ridiculously overpriced there and we can get more house for more money just outside her town. This apparently isn’t good enough so despite the compromise I’m making suggesting we look to buy near her town he only wants to live minutes from her. She isn’t ill in any way, she isn’t disabled and is quite active.

OP posts:
ZoeWashburne · 23/08/2018 07:37

he told me his mother comes first and that I was being restrictive and even threatened to not marry me.

Call off the wedding.

This is not someone ready to make a commitment. I'm sorry, and I know its hard, but he is telling you his truth: His mother comes first, and if you aren't ok with that you should leave.

I know you love him, but he doesn't love you in the way you need. I would see if he would do couples counselling with you.

But definitely cancel the wedding. You can either have heartache now, or heartache in a couple years when you are going through an expensive and gut wrenching divorce. Leopards don't change their spots. Especially when they have told you they aren't going to change.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 23/08/2018 07:38

At the minute you're not his priority. As awful as it is, make sure you are absolutely first in his mind before you marry him because being married to someone who puts his Mum first isn't a pleasant experience at all.

You don't have to do the things he says. You don't have to acquiesce to his wants and demands; you have a 50% stake in that relationship, pick the areas you want to change and challenge him. If he learns to compromise you know he's working with you. If he digs his heels in you know he's working apart from you. That's no basis for happiness.

Sparkletastic · 23/08/2018 07:40

At the very least postpone the wedding. This might be his version of grieving or he may be telling you the truth. Either way, getting married now would be a huge mistake.

0lgaDaPolga · 23/08/2018 07:41

I wouldn’t be able to marry someone that admitted I don’t come first. It’s obviously sad that his mum has lost her husband but to visit her every night is excessive. It sounds like he fully intends to carry on prioritising her over you. If you move to her town it will only get worse. I would rethink the wedding if I were you.

nestsOfVipers · 23/08/2018 07:41

He should definitely be postponing the wedding.

Your attempts to isolate and control him are massive red flags.

MessyBun247 · 23/08/2018 07:43

‘He started a huge argument and amidst the shouting, he told me his mother comes first and that I was being restrictive and even threatened to not marry me.’

I think that says it all. He said it in his own words, his mother comes first. You’d be mad to marry him. You won’t ever be happy in this relationship. What happens if you have kids, will he still be running to mummy’s every day and leaving you to do everything.

He hasn’t cut the umbilical cord yet. You can do better.

KateGrey · 23/08/2018 07:43

It’s probably a big thing for him losing his dad and in his mind his mother is older and vulnerable. I’d hold off on the wedding as he’s telling you his mum comes first. Whether that’s just now or the future who knows but you need to wait on the marriage.

BertrandRussell · 23/08/2018 07:44

Hmm. Is she very elderly? Does she actually need looking after - cooking and cleaning and stuff like that? How long does he stay?

There is a difference between someone else coming first temporarily after an illness or bereavement and someone else coming first permanently.

PositivelyPERF · 23/08/2018 07:47

Your attempts to isolate and control him are massive red flags.

Oh bore off, with your obvious woman hating.

Sorry OP, but he’s made it clear where his priorities lie. In one respect it’s lovely that he wants to care for his mother at this time, but to be so dismissive of you, would suggest he’s not ready for marriage.

BertrandRussell · 23/08/2018 07:47

Because I think I might be a bit pissed off if I was expected to prioritize looking after someone having their period over looking after my very elderly recently bereaved mother, to be honest.

Original poster
oldandfedupp · 23/08/2018 07:48

@Bertrandrussell no she is totally and fully functioning, cooks cleans etc etc.

My asking him that he goes round some nights and comes straight home on others stems from too many nights where he has finished a late shift, gone to his mums and I’ve been waiting at home with our dinner going bad because he spends an hour there. If it was just popping in I wouldn’t care.

OP posts:
Original poster
oldandfedupp · 23/08/2018 07:49

@Burtrandrussell it’s not just a normal period, it’s absolute agony and renders me unable to do anything. Nausea, diarrhoea, agonising cramps.

OP posts:
Optimusprimesmother · 23/08/2018 07:50

If my dh has threatened me with not getting married I’d have pulled the plug.

He is not in the right space to be getting married and this wasn’t the relationship you bought in to when you said you would get married.

He might need to fully invest in to his mother which if fine if he needs to - but that doesn’t mean you have to go along for the ride. You don’t need simmering resentment to kick in before you even get married

PirateWeasel · 23/08/2018 07:50

Red flag alert!! How much earlier this year did he die? Grief makes people do strange things at first, but it should only be temporary. 100% do not marry someone who says his mum comes first. Even if your DP is an only child and is suddenly feeling responsible for his mum, your wife and kids ALWAYS come first and YANBU to ask him to start sorting himself out. And for God's sake stand firm about not moving close to MIL. That would be a recipe for complete disaster.

sexnotgender · 23/08/2018 07:52

Can you compromise and have her come to you a couple of times a week?

They must both still be devastated and grieving takes time, they probably need each other.

However he does need to consider you too, it shouldn’t be a case of who comes first. It should be what works for everyone.

Optimusprimesmother · 23/08/2018 07:54

old you sound like you have endometriosis by the way. Those were my symptoms

Golde · 23/08/2018 07:54

If you need looking after when you've got your period and he prefers going to his mums after work, don't get married yet. You both sound about 16.

Nevermindhey · 23/08/2018 07:54

How far out of his way is it to call at his mother’s? If he’s literally just staying for an hour I think that’s ok. A whole evening would be too much.

When you say ‘us’ who do you mean? Do you have children?

Girlsnightin · 23/08/2018 07:57

You sound a bit needy to me. I'd be pissed off if my DH demanded me to come home straight from work (to do what exactly-no kids).
Have you got both parents DP? I think it's quite a different dynamic once one dies and this sounds perfectly normal considering how long it's been. It will take a while for both of them to adjust to being left. I imagine it's also helping your DP with his grief to be with his mum.
And the bit about trying to keep him at home because of a bad period makes me feel a bit embarrassed for you.
I'd have second thoughts about marrying you too.

ElspethFlashman · 23/08/2018 08:01

As someone who was a carer for many many years, call off the wedding.

Because I understand it from his side, and it's not going to get better. If he is feeling this responsibility now, then clearly he is going to take care of her full time for the rest of his life.

And if you marry him it will become your responsibility too in the sense that you won't be able to stand outside of it, looking in. It's impossible. My DH did a lot, though obviously nothing like as much as me. It was still a burden for him too.

If her husband died at 85, us she in her 80s too? If so, I think you're being a bit naive as to her needs. She may be healthy and active, but people in their 80s are only one fall away from having considerable needs.

This is his future. You have to decide if its yours.

Nevermindhey · 23/08/2018 08:02

I think you need to sort out the disagreement about moving before you marry.

Allthatsnot · 23/08/2018 08:04

There must be more to this, is his mum a similar age to his father? Maybe losing his father has made him realise he might nit have too long left with his mum?
Maybe his mum genuinely isn't coping and he is struggling to verbalise his concerns to you.
Can you have his mum round for dinner and tactfully see if she is in agreement with him turning up every night?
If he used to have a normal relationship with his parents its nice he wants to spend time with and care for his mum and grief could cause his priorities to be a little off right now. Maybe see if he can get some counselling?
I think it depends on how he was before as to if you should call of the wedding.

Fireworks91 · 23/08/2018 08:04

6 of 1 tbh. I would postpone the wedding, give it time to see if this is 'just' a grieving period or genuine lack of prioritising you.

sarcasmisnotthelowestformofwit · 23/08/2018 08:08

He's there for one hour? I think yabu actually. My DHs father died late last ear and absolutely his mum came first for a bit. Still here at least 1 weekend out of 4. I'm a big girl. I can look after myself. And I love how caring he is and how much he eats to make sure his DM is ok. In fact it makes me love him more.

sarcasmisnotthelowestformofwit · 23/08/2018 08:09

Wants. Not eats. That would be weird.