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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect husband to be to start prioritising us?

197 replies

oldandfedupp · 23/08/2018 07:32

My h2b’s father died earlier this year and we both looked after his mother, had her stay with us for a fortnight, sorted all the paperwork etc etc. She’s a lovely woman and we get on well.
However h2b goes to his mothers after work everyday, and on a day off he still wants to go see his mum. Says she need “looking after”. I’m not heartless, I realise she’s lost her husband (he died age 85) but am I being unreasonable asking h2b to start shifting priority back to us? I asked him to come straight home once or twice a week after work and go see his mum after work on the other nights...he started a horrendous argument over it. I had to leave work because I was so ill with my period a fortnight ago (I get horrendous pain and nausea the day I come on), and after work he came home but then went to see his mother despite me begging him to stay home and look after me. Leaving me to get up and make dinner.
We are about to marry and I explained calmly that I expect both of us to make each other a priority in marriage and while I wouldn’t want him to not have a good relationship with his mother, I needed him to understand we each come first to the other. He started a huge argument and amidst the shouting, he told me his mother comes first and that I was being restrictive and even threatened to not marry me. He also wants to move to the same town as his mother and I don’t want to as houses are ridiculously overpriced there and we can get more house for more money just outside her town. This apparently isn’t good enough so despite the compromise I’m making suggesting we look to buy near her town he only wants to live minutes from her. She isn’t ill in any way, she isn’t disabled and is quite active.

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 23/08/2018 08:09

I'd call off the wedding. You're not compatible. It happens. Move on.

GrumpyCatIsMySpiritAnimal · 23/08/2018 08:11

I don’t want to be that poster, but are you sure that he’s always with his Mother?

GOODCAT · 23/08/2018 08:13

I understand you want to see lots of him. I get that you want him to prioritise you and your future life.

Just to give you another perspective he has lost his father and is worried about his mum.

My husband is only one thing in my life. I have other interests and family relationships and friends and I have to work. I prioritise all of those over my husband sometimes and sometimes he is my priority. The same in reverse. Sometimes that means we put our family and friends before each other for extended periods but we always come back to each other every day and talk. I support him in doing this and he supports me.

I would hate it if he started telling me to spend less time with my mum when I have needed and wanted to support my mum. Your OH will naturally cut back time with his mum when he feels the time is right. It hasn't really been all that long since his dad died.

You will hopefully be a long time married and will have inevitably have all sorts of life events thrown at you and being able to support each other and your wider family is a good thing.

toomuchtooold · 23/08/2018 08:14

I think if my OH was going to be out till late evening most nights I would start making the sort of dinner that could wait in the oven for him, and I'd have my own dinner in the meantime. I'd also not expect him to take care of me while I was ill. Surely as an adult you basically take care of yourself? Painkillers and an early night?

I wonder if you're making a point about all this stuff because you're thinking forward to a time when you might have kids. At that point, where will his loyalties lie - will he continue to spend as much time with his mother as he is now, leaving you with all the childcare and housework?

I would agree with others that you should postpone the wedding, and think about whether you really want to do this.

CherryPavlova · 23/08/2018 08:15

You come across as selfish and spoiled. His mother is very recently widowed and alone after many years of marriage. Your fiancée has lost his father.
It is you who should be prioritising the partnership and considering his needs by supporting him in being a kind and loving son.
You had a period? Really? It was so bad you left work, needed looking after, needed himto cook but still wanted to eat supper? Get a grip.
You need to think carefully about imposing yourself on this man for life. He sounds like he deserves greater consideration, greater partnership and less control. Get yourself a life so you aren’t sitting around waiting and so you aren’t so needy.

Juells · 23/08/2018 08:16

Don't marry.

DieAntword · 23/08/2018 08:19

I imagine his mum is very lonely without her husband. I can completely understand his point of view. I can understand yours too but a year is not that long when you’ve lost your companion after so many years together. Do you like his mum? If you’re feeling left out could you all spend time together instead of just him and her?

Rainycloudyday · 23/08/2018 08:21

He has told you in black and white how things are going to be if you marry him-it's up to you what you do with that information. If it were me I would run for the hills. Down the line, no one can say you weren't warned. Just imagine if you had children with this man. You will be a single parent in all but name.

Loonoon · 23/08/2018 08:22

Postpone the wedding. It is not advisable to make major life changes shortly after a loss.

BertrandRussell · 23/08/2018 08:29

How often did he visit his mother before his dad died?

Juells · 23/08/2018 08:29

You will be a single parent in all but name.

Or his DM will move in with you and you'll end up being her full-time carer.

Fireworks91 · 23/08/2018 08:30

1 hr after work? That's hardly a big deal!

BertrandRussell · 23/08/2018 08:33

"your wife and kids ALWAYS come first"

This is a daft thing to say-of course they don't ALWAYS come first!

BertrandRussell · 23/08/2018 08:35

Hang on-I missed that! An hour after work? If my dp tried to stop me spending an hour after work with my recently bereaved 85 year old mother, I'd be seriously pissed off......

Fireworks91 · 23/08/2018 08:36

Priorities wax and wane as you pass through stages of life. At this stage, when you are young and healthy with no kids you have fewer needs than an elderly lady who has just lost her partner.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 23/08/2018 08:38

What you have asked, that he comes straight home a couple of nights isn’t unreasonable. She’s bereaved, but she’s healthy, fit and able to look after herself. It’s not doing HER any good having him there every night either, as awful as it is, she has to get used to her new normal - and that’s NOT having your son come every single day when you are healthy and fit. She needs to have her own life and he’s stopping her in a way, by constantly being there. She’ll turn down invitations from friends etc because her son will be there after.

Then there’s you...and as you say ‘come home to US’ possibly a child/children too. Relationship/s he’s currently ignoring.

A man that threatens ‘not to marry you’ ...seriously? He sounds like he feels he’s doing you a big favour marrying you. Sod that for a joke.

Right now his Mum does not need you to be living on her doorstep. He needs to give her some space and to think about what you need as a couple/family - and he’s not.

I would definitely, indefinitely, postpone the wedding.

kaytee87 · 23/08/2018 08:38

If you don't have children then I don't think an hour after work for his recently widowed mum is all that excessive. Could you invite her to yours once or twice a week then you can have dinner together? Could you go to mils house once a week with him too?

ImAIdoot · 23/08/2018 08:38

Seems likely she'll pass away in the next few years, too. If you make a massive fuss over this you will regret it when she does.

Let him look after her for a bit, tell him you understand. It's a small thing but better in the long run.

MrsExpo · 23/08/2018 08:38

How old is his mother? If his dad was 85, then am I right to assume she is also quite elderly? If so, then she needs his support at this time and I think you’re being a bit U.

kaytee87 · 23/08/2018 08:38

Are there any siblings that could visit her too?

ShatnersWig · 23/08/2018 08:38

How long ago did his father die? I actually think that's potentially important information to have as to how unreasonable he may or may not be.

Are you seriously expecting your DH to stay and look after you once a month with your period, though? How would you cope if you were single? If it is as bad as you say, you just go to bed and he sorts his own dinner!

Hopoindown31 · 23/08/2018 08:39

He's being very clear about his priorities ar the moment and that is to care for his elderly recently bereaved mother and probably do some grieving of his own. He wants you to back off and be supportive at this time and if you aren't going to do that then marriage really isn't a good idea. If he were a woman on here he would be being praised for clear setting of boundaries. Postponing the wedding (if one is planned) is a good idea.

And yes, as blunt as it is, you would have to factor in that caring for this elderly relative is likely to be a part of your life for a while. If you aren't happy with the this relationship is doomed. You can't expect him not to look after his own mother.

If you love him the support him, don't make this a contest between you and his mother as he's already told you that you will lose at the moment.

Merrz · 23/08/2018 08:39

Afraid I agree, at least postpone the wedding until things get better. My mums friends split up after 20 years of marriage and 3 kids because of this. The man was never close to his dad but when the dad died he became very close to his mother and would go round every day and sit with her all evening, everything she said he took as gospel and constantly spoke about her, it ruined their marriage!

chickenowner · 23/08/2018 08:41

Two things..

Firstly I agree with a pp who said postpone the wedding for a year, then both of you need to decide if you want to get married.

Secondly, my periods used to be like yours, but the contraceptive implant stopped all pain, vomiting, fainting etc. Obviously not if you're trying to conceive but again, would now really be a good time for that? If you haven't already please go and see your GP about your periods, you shouldn't have to live with that amount of pain and te other symptoms every month.

Original poster
oldandfedupp · 23/08/2018 08:41

We have a three year old and his mother is 70. You may say an hour is not a big deal but when it’s every night, when he has a wife and child at home, it starts to grate. I honestly think asking him to just come straight home once a week to spend time with me and the little one, after we’ve both been in work etc etc, is not a big ask. We do plenty with his mother, and she sees her grandchild regularly.

OP posts: