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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect husband to be to start prioritising us?

197 replies

oldandfedupp · 23/08/2018 07:32

My h2b’s father died earlier this year and we both looked after his mother, had her stay with us for a fortnight, sorted all the paperwork etc etc. She’s a lovely woman and we get on well.
However h2b goes to his mothers after work everyday, and on a day off he still wants to go see his mum. Says she need “looking after”. I’m not heartless, I realise she’s lost her husband (he died age 85) but am I being unreasonable asking h2b to start shifting priority back to us? I asked him to come straight home once or twice a week after work and go see his mum after work on the other nights...he started a horrendous argument over it. I had to leave work because I was so ill with my period a fortnight ago (I get horrendous pain and nausea the day I come on), and after work he came home but then went to see his mother despite me begging him to stay home and look after me. Leaving me to get up and make dinner.
We are about to marry and I explained calmly that I expect both of us to make each other a priority in marriage and while I wouldn’t want him to not have a good relationship with his mother, I needed him to understand we each come first to the other. He started a huge argument and amidst the shouting, he told me his mother comes first and that I was being restrictive and even threatened to not marry me. He also wants to move to the same town as his mother and I don’t want to as houses are ridiculously overpriced there and we can get more house for more money just outside her town. This apparently isn’t good enough so despite the compromise I’m making suggesting we look to buy near her town he only wants to live minutes from her. She isn’t ill in any way, she isn’t disabled and is quite active.

OP posts:
badadadada · 23/08/2018 10:36

No, he works shifts and the OP says MOST of the time he doesn't finish until 8-10. Only occasionally does he finish at 6. Unless he changes his job, don't see that changing, which means it's not temporary.

Yes but on the days he does finish earlier, he goes to his moms. That's (hopefully) temporary

EvaHarknessRose · 23/08/2018 10:40

As you have a child together you are probably best getting married.

I do agree with you, but I also think he clearly feels very responsible and caring towards her, which is not a bad quality. Except it is. The trouble is, he has now established a pattern which will be hard on her to change.

FuckPants · 23/08/2018 10:42

He's having counselling, that tells me that he is not okay.

The drip feed has turned into the Niagara Falls.

Original poster
oldandfedupp · 23/08/2018 10:45

Sorry @FuckPants, what do you want me to do? Withhold information when you’re all asking for it!?

OP posts:
Original poster
oldandfedupp · 23/08/2018 10:46

He goes to his mums for at least an hour regardless of when he finishes Hmm

OP posts:
InfiniteVariety · 23/08/2018 10:47

Don't marry someone who is incapable of "a rational and calm discussion"

minisoksmakehardwork · 23/08/2018 10:49

You definitely need to postpone the wedding for now.

Is your fiancé the oldest child? He perhaps feels he needs to step into your father's shoes. I had an auntie like this when my grandad died. Grandma had to learn certain things, but had been running the household for decades so not as much to learn as an elderly person who had left everything to their spouse.

My aunt has completely taken over, moved close by, practically lives there. She is the gatekeeper to my grandmother and it is impossible for anyone to see her without aunt knowing and being present.

My grandma has gone from being a sociable person to one who barely leaves the house. She is in her early 80's and this has been going on for over a decade now.

Your husband is effectively hogging his mum if he is seeing her so frequently and you also spend time together. When does his sibling get to see her? Perhaps if they want a relationship with their mother, they need to be the one to step up, visit more and take some of the responsibility from your husband. Although he has to also be willing to give some up.

In all likelihood, this is a knee-jerk reaction to losing his dad and realising that his mother isn't immortal either.

How do you generally get on with your MIL?

FuckPants · 23/08/2018 10:50

I just think that the fact you're getting married next week could have been included in the OP, as well as the fact that he's attending counselling and that he sometimes sees his mum three times in one day Hmm

None of that is 'outing'.

Boulshired · 23/08/2018 10:59

I found that losing one parent left a guilt that I should have spent more time, done more things with them. I treated this guilt by doing more with the living parent, too much. The reality was I should have dealt with the guilt because it was stupid and just part of the grieving process.

ShatnersWig · 23/08/2018 11:02

I found that losing one parent left a guilt that I should have spent more time, done more things with them. I treated this guilt by doing more with the living parent, too much. The reality was I should have dealt with the guilt because it was stupid and just part of the grieving process

THIS. 100% for a lot of people. With him having bereavement counselling, I suspect he is really struggling. When so many people say men don't deal with things, don't deal with their emotions, don't talk about upsetting things, often refuse to admit they need help and go to counselling, the fact he is having counselling could be seen to speak volumes.

SinkGirl · 23/08/2018 11:18

Have you lost either of your parents? I’m thinking you really don’t understand how it feels to lose a parent. I certainly can’t imagine what it’s like to be elderly and lose my spouse - it must be absolutely devastating in every sense. I think he sounds like a very kind and caring son, which is wonderful.

When my mum had cancer, I dropped everything for 18 months until she passed away. My DH wasn’t my main priority - we had no children, and my mum needed me. I was with her every day after her surgery, I was there for every treatment and when she needed help after them. I would have been livid if my DH had complained. What will happen if / when she gets sick and needs more help? Will you guilt trip him and make him feel bad for caring for her? He can see she is suffering and wants to be there for her.

I think what you need to do is have a calm discussion about how he’s coping, how his Mum is coping, how much longer he thinks she will need this level of support etc.

If you’re not comfortable with the kind of life he wants to have then it’s not going to work

backstreetboysareback · 23/08/2018 11:18

I'm shocked at you and shocked at some of the comments. You do sound heartless.

Shock

His mother is now living alone im assuming in her 80s. She may have health problems herself / need looking after in some way. He obviously wants to make the remainder of his mums time as happy and comfortable as possible.
You are a grown adult, you tried to get him to come home because of your period, wtf. He's just lost his dad and may also lose his Mum soon? This will be at the forefront of his mind, if he had any sense he would call it off. Why are you making it pick me pick me
Why are you not going with him after work and spending time with his family on occasion and supporting him
Why are you not understanding
She's not going to be around forever and you expect him to have picked you in the days after she was left alone.
Seriously grow up

backstreetboysareback · 23/08/2018 11:20

For an hour a night as well you said. Really, you can't look after yourself for an hour while he's with his mum.
Hope you don't have kids how will you look after those and yourself?

ShatnersWig · 23/08/2018 11:21

@backstreetboysareback To be fair to the OP, you clearly haven't read the full thread as some of what you said is factually incorrect. Mum is in her early 70s and fit and well.

Frazzled2207 · 23/08/2018 13:11

I think look into postponing the wedding.
If he's seeing his mum in the mornings and for lunch that's more than enough. Does he ever see his 3 yo? So presumably you're doing the bedtime routine every night. YANBU.

BertrandRussell · 23/08/2018 13:21

I do wonder, and I never say this, whether people would be advising a man to postpone his wedding if his wife to be was temporarily prioritising her recently bereaved mother. Particularly if he said he wanted her to “look after him”......

But, having said that, I do think there needs to be a proper conversation here. It sounds as if he’s not handling the loss of his dad well at all. And surely postponing the wedding at such short notice would be a real kick in the teeth?

Juells · 23/08/2018 13:31

I do wonder, and I never say this, whether people would be advising a man to postpone his wedding if his wife to be was temporarily prioritising her recently bereaved mother. Particularly if he said he wanted her to “look after him”......

If, eight months later, she was spending every free moment at her mother's, leaving her DH to look after the child every day even though he worked full-time, people would be down on her like a ton of bricks. The OP isn't the sole parent. He's a parent as well, and should be doing half of the 'looking after' of his child.

BertrandRussell · 23/08/2018 13:36

See, I believe in the half the care of the child too. But sometimes you just can’t. I had no children when my father died, but I certainly couldn’t have done half the looking after of children then. And my dp couldn’t have when his father died- his mum needed him - so I took up the slack with the children for a while, I do agree the 3 times a day thing is a bit much though!

ShatnersWig · 23/08/2018 13:40

He's not spending every waking moment at his mum's. It seems to fluctuate depending on the day of the week, what his shifts are, whether his mum comes round...

maxthemartian · 23/08/2018 13:43

I think YANBU and he is being grossly unfair to you. And I say this as someone who has lost both parents.
Your spouse has to fundamentally come first. That doesn't mean you can't have a few months where another family members needs are at the forefront, but it does mean that you don't just shout them down, ride roughshod over their wishes and refuse to discuss anything.

FuckPants · 23/08/2018 13:45

He's a parent as well, and should be doing half of the 'looking after' of his child.

That's not always possible, regardless of whether you are male or female.

Life throws curveballs and sometimes you need your partner to show a bit of understanding and step up for a while.

Grief has no set timeline, some people are okay in a few months or so, others take years to get back to a sense of normality.

Nanny0gg · 23/08/2018 13:47

I had no children when my father died, but I certainly couldn’t have done half the looking after of children then.

But why not? Sometimes you have to just get on with life. Doesn't mean you don't mourn. Doesn't mean you don't care. But your first priority should be your children.

FuckPants · 23/08/2018 13:49

But why not? Sometimes you have to just get on with life. Doesn't mean you don't mourn. Doesn't mean you don't care. But your first priority should be your children.

Because life isn't black and white, people grieve differently.

FranticallyPeaceful · 23/08/2018 13:50

I was about to back you up and then I saw he only spends an hour there.

You’re acting needy af and it’s pretty terrible you’re acting like this over him spending an hour with his mother after work after she just lost her husband

simplepimple · 23/08/2018 13:51

The thing is op - the more you push him not to go the more he will want to go.

No one wants to be told what to do even if what they are doing isn't quite right - and even if deep down they know that.

So concentrate on you and your dc, take no notice of how much he spends there - leave him to it - explore ways to enjoy your time at home without him. Eventually it may click that its nicer to be at home than spending too much time with his mum.