To expect husband to be to start prioritising us?

[oldandfedupp]

My h2b’s father died earlier this year and we both looked after his mother, had her stay with us for a fortnight, sorted all the paperwork etc etc. She’s a lovely woman and we get on well.
However h2b goes to his mothers after work everyday, and on a day off he still wants to go see his mum. Says she need “looking after”. I’m not heartless, I realise she’s lost her husband (he died age 85) but am I being unreasonable asking h2b to start shifting priority back to us? I asked him to come straight home once or twice a week after work and go see his mum after work on the other nights...he started a horrendous argument over it. I had to leave work because I was so ill with my period a fortnight ago (I get horrendous pain and nausea the day I come on), and after work he came home but then went to see his mother despite me begging him to stay home and look after me. Leaving me to get up and make dinner.
We are about to marry and I explained calmly that I expect both of us to make each other a priority in marriage and while I wouldn’t want him to not have a good relationship with his mother, I needed him to understand we each come first to the other. He started a huge argument and amidst the shouting, he told me his mother comes first and that I was being restrictive and even threatened to not marry me. He also wants to move to the same town as his mother and I don’t want to as houses are ridiculously overpriced there and we can get more house for more money just outside her town. This apparently isn’t good enough so despite the compromise I’m making suggesting we look to buy near her town he only wants to live minutes from her. She isn’t ill in any way, she isn’t disabled and is quite active.

"How long ago did his father die? I actually think that's potentially important information to have as to how unreasonable he may or may not "
Earlier this year. So maximum 8 months.

When he said his mother comes first did he mean just for now, or for always?

What time does he get home when he sees her after work?

Definitely postpone the wedding.

She only wants him home once or twice a week. Not unreasonable.

OP if you're ill with your period, forget about cooking!

Does his mum have friends/a social life? Or only her son? is he an only child?

How old is his mother? Is he her only child? He may want to live nearby anticipating a time when she will need his help & support on a daily basis, even if his current visits are about her loneliness following bereavement.

However, if these plans are not what you want at all and he does not consider it important to discuss them with you, you might seriously want to rethink marrying this man. The most worrying part of his behaviour for me is how angry he became when you tried to talk to him about it and that he "threatened not to marry" you. It suggests you are heading for a lifetime of him taking decisions whilst disregarding your views and becoming abusive when you try to express them

"your wife and kids ALWAYS come first"

This is a daft thing to say-of course they don't ALWAYS come first!

I totally agree. At certain points on life (such as after an big family bereavement) other members of the family might need to be supported.

If a man begrudged me looking after my mother when she needed it, I’d be leaving him.

Stop waiting for him to be home for dinner. Just eat and he can sort himself out when he gets home.

Having a small child completely changes things, I'm not sure why you didn't mention that in your op.
Presumably he's not spending any time with the child at all if he's out after work and they go to bed at 7/8?
Could you speak to mil about it? Say you're concerned he's not spending any time with his child and you know he listens to her, could she have a word etc

My FIL died not long before Mr Dribble and I got engaged. One of the things I loved about MrD was the loving and constant care he provided for his mother. I thought then that if he would care for her when she was weak and vulnerable (and also terminally ill) then he would do the same for me. I was right (although I'm not, to my knowledge, ill at all).

He may well be concerned for her mental health. Severe depression after the loss of a life partner can't be unusual, it's a huge loss. Have some compassion. Perhaps meet him there a few times a week if you can, or bring her to your house for dinner.

@Bertrand Indeed. Maximum. But be nice to know, wouldn't it? OP seems to have ignored a couple of us asking the question though.

I think YABU - it sounds like this may be his way of dealing with grief, plus he's DM must be heartbroken. 8 months is NO amount of time when you've lost someone close to you, my whole family is still struggling with the loss of my DM five years ago.
He's probably worried that his DM is lonely. Being with her will help him with his own grief, remind him of his dad. Maybe he's realises how little time he has left with her too and wants to spend time with her.
As for him saying he's not sure about the wedding, people say all sorts in the heat of the moment, particularly in times of extreme stress and it doesn't get much more stressful than the death of a parent.
You sound child-ish to me, you want him to look after you because of period pain? You're sulking because he goes to see his mum for an hour a day? Why are you jealous of his time? If you had kids or you were being left to manage something on your own that would be different. Try to stand in his shoes and feel what it's like - his dad's just died, his mum's struggling and grieving, he's grieving and his fiancee is sulking because he won't stay to make her dinner...

It was January when FIL passed away. Sorry I thought early in the year was quite clear without being explicit.

Actually, having a small child makes it easier. I'm sure it would be good for both your child and your future MIL to spend some time together. If granny came for dinner a couple of times a week it would be good for both of them, and you would have some control over how long she stayed.

I think there are some questions before we know who IBU

When did his father die? A couple of months ago is a lot different to if he died in January

Is he an only child and therefore feeling all the responsibility for his mum

What is his longer term plan? Is he going to try and get his mum back on her feet and out a bit more and cut down visits gradually? Or is this what life will be like now?

Does OP still have both parents, where do they live, what is the plan for if / when something happens to them?

If it's just a temporary situation then I think YABU. He will be grieving, his mum will be grieving. It's such a big change for her she will be feeling lost and it's natural he wants to be there to help.

But long term, if he thinks he will be visiting every single day in a year or so and wants to move closer so it's easier...this would worry me. Would he be willing to move closer to OP's parents if they were ill or one of them died? Are you planning to have children and how will they fit in with this?

I think the period is a bit of a red herring and people are being very unsympathetic. It can make some people feel horrendous and it's natural to need a bit of tlc. If you'd asked him to look after you very shortly after his dad died that wouldn't be on but for an hour one evening months after is OK

I love my adult children but if one of them started dropping in for a few hours every night after work I'd find it hard to take. It's extreme.

OP Of course that's not quite clear! That could have been April which is quite a bit different to January. Why not just have said that in the first place, along with properly mentioning child and age? Just comes over a bit like drip feeding to try and more answers of the sort you want even if that wasn't your intention.

I've seen many threads on MN over the years where women have lost their mums and it's taken well over a year or so to return to what passes for normal. If a man moaned about his wife doing what your fiancee was doing, I think most replies would be that it's still relatively recent and that you should be cutting more slack for now.

Yanbu. He has made his stance very clear. As time passes she will only get older and he won't be able to leave her. You would be utterly foolish to marry him when he has explicitly made it clear where his priorities lie. I would be very put off as well that his 3yo takes such a backseat.

Sorry cross post. I think it's been 8 months and he has to be there for his child sometimes as well. Not trying to minimise the grieving process but his family life can't stop completely while this goes on

@PositivelyPERF

lol'd

It isn't woman-hating to disagree with the OP.

HTH

@AmIRight he has to be there for his child sometimes as well

He is. He's not at his mum's all evening and all weekend.

"he told me his mother comes first and that I was being restrictive and even threatened to not marry me"

Hmm, I kind of get where he us coming from, as he may well feel like right now she does need to be his priority.
Also he his Dad has died and it may well be that he feels the need to be eith him mum-the one other person that knew Dad so well.

Having said That, I do think you should postpone the wedding.
It will be under a cloud and currently seems like an 'ownership ' kind of thing, whete he will be yours afterwards and not his mum's.

Though that is what marriage represents.
Forsaking all others etc.

Tricky one.
Can you talk about it and how he sees the future panning out over the next 3/6&12 months.

Can his mum come to yours a couple of nights a week?
That way you get to spend time as a family.
He can't be seeing much of the kids Id imagine

Op have you seen a gynaecologist regarding your periods? As you could have fibroids or endometriosis. Clearly some people have never had to deal with severe blood loss, accompanied by agonising cramps and awful diarrhoea. I have and I know you feel bloody awful with it. Paracetamol does NOT touch the pain at all, suggesting that, is like offering a labouring women paracetamol (which has also happened to me whilst properly labouring). CherryPavlova surely you realise that women are admitted to hospital due to their awful periods, my own Mother required a blood transfusion and regular iron infusions every period whilst waiting for an ablation. I guess she should have just got a grip too?

Op what are your DF’s working hours? If he is working shifts then what time is he finished? My dh used to work shifts, he would finish at half past eight, so by the time he got to his Mothers and to my then home it would have been ten o’clock.

I wonder what his Mum thinks about all of his visits? If she is an active women, she may actually be fed up with his constant checking on her/ popping in every night. I know my Gran would have been. Is it worth calling in for a chat with his Mum yourself? Asking how she is getting on? I wonder if you popped in to see her earlier in the day, then your dF might feel less in need of popping around after work. If she lives close enough, he could visit her in his lunch hour (my FIL used to do this as MIL hated him visiting GMIL, so it was their secret and GMIL would light up when he walked in. I will say that MIL is a possessive, control freak/ narcissist and we no longer have contact with her or FIL for similar behaviour when DH met me), I think your DH is being unreasonable, you are only asking for two evenings a week. Do you intend to have children? He will never see them at this rate if you do.

When did his father die? January

Is he an only child and therefore feeling all the responsibility for his mum
One other sibling plus his mothers siblings all live close by and see her often

What is his longer term plan? Is he going to try and get his mum back on her feet and out a bit more and cut down visits gradually? Or is this what life will be like now?
He wants to see her everyday. Which I do understand but think it’s unrealistic. I’ve tried to gently explain his mother is fit healthy and needs his support to now become more independent, join classes, re-establish her life. Her husband was very sociable until he was too ill to move and it was heartbreaking to see him unable to go out. I don’t want to see her not making the most of her ability to have a social life and take up hobbies in the community while she still can.

Does OP still have both parents, where do they live, what is the plan for if / when something happens to them?
My parents are still around but dad nearly died a few years back. They live about equal distance from us as it is to MIL. I see them once or twice a week as both me and my parents are busy with our own stuff.

“Could you speak to mil about it? Say you're concerned he's not spending any time with his child and you know he listens to her, could she have a word etc”

That’ a brilliant idea. Then she’ll be bereaved and guilt tripped.

YANBU. I think the balance here is out of alignment. It's lovely that he is concerned about his Mum and wants to make sure she's OK and spend time with her.

But seeing her every single day straight after work is not fair to you or your DC. There has to be a balance - especially given the fact that she is 70, so this could go on for another decade or more.

Seeing his Mum 2-3 nights a week after work would be fine, but there needs to be times when he comes home first to spend time with you and your DC - especially if you are spending weekends with MIL as well. You need some family time.

Sorry - I don’t like to give too many details in case people reading know who I am 😊
He works shifts and I work 9-5, but most of his shifts are later on which means it can be anywhere between 8 and 10 when he gets home and add an hour at his mums on to that... he does also see her either in the morning and/or on his lunch break.

YANBU. I know grief is a difficult thing, particularly in the early days but I don't think 7 months after he should still be spending an extra hour away from home everyday leaving you with all the childcare. Could he take your DD over with him a couple of nights a week? Gives you a break and may be nice for his DM to spend some time with her.