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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect husband to be to start prioritising us?

197 replies

oldandfedupp · 23/08/2018 07:32

My h2b’s father died earlier this year and we both looked after his mother, had her stay with us for a fortnight, sorted all the paperwork etc etc. She’s a lovely woman and we get on well.
However h2b goes to his mothers after work everyday, and on a day off he still wants to go see his mum. Says she need “looking after”. I’m not heartless, I realise she’s lost her husband (he died age 85) but am I being unreasonable asking h2b to start shifting priority back to us? I asked him to come straight home once or twice a week after work and go see his mum after work on the other nights...he started a horrendous argument over it. I had to leave work because I was so ill with my period a fortnight ago (I get horrendous pain and nausea the day I come on), and after work he came home but then went to see his mother despite me begging him to stay home and look after me. Leaving me to get up and make dinner.
We are about to marry and I explained calmly that I expect both of us to make each other a priority in marriage and while I wouldn’t want him to not have a good relationship with his mother, I needed him to understand we each come first to the other. He started a huge argument and amidst the shouting, he told me his mother comes first and that I was being restrictive and even threatened to not marry me. He also wants to move to the same town as his mother and I don’t want to as houses are ridiculously overpriced there and we can get more house for more money just outside her town. This apparently isn’t good enough so despite the compromise I’m making suggesting we look to buy near her town he only wants to live minutes from her. She isn’t ill in any way, she isn’t disabled and is quite active.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 23/08/2018 09:31

You need to sit down and talk about this calmly and come up with a plan. Don’t beg him to stay home and look after you. Plan how you are going to together manage family life and supporting his mother.

InfiniteVariety · 23/08/2018 09:32

I believe marriage is about working to overcome anything

I refer you to my pp on page 3 at 08.44
He seems to think overcoming difficulties means shouting at you till you shut up

PurpleDaisies · 23/08/2018 09:32

More likely that he’s a twin flowers. Grin

Original poster
oldandfedupp · 23/08/2018 09:34

No I mentioned earlier he has a sibling. who Sees see his mum once a week but phones everyday to chat.

I have tried to have a rational and calm discussion with DF about it. He just can’t accept backing off a teeny tiny bit.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 23/08/2018 09:34

He could certainly taper his visits and make regular phone calls on some days of the week. Also there could be an informal rota of relatives seeing MIL to ensure she isn’t alone too much.

Unfortunately it sounds like he wants to be there this much, perhaps it’s actually part of his own grieving process? I would suggest putting all major decisions on hold for a while, wedding and house moves particularly.

YANBU to expect him to prioritise you and DC some of the time. Has he had any grief counselling? I suspect if you try to raise any of this you will be the big bad wolf. Difficult.

Original poster
oldandfedupp · 23/08/2018 09:38

He is attending bereavement counselling, also not drip feeding but responding to posts, his mother is rarely alone as she lives in a town where her relatives and neighbours etc etc all pop in to see her. Or if she sits in her garden everyone always stops to chat.

OP posts:
OctaviaOctober · 23/08/2018 09:41

Your attempts to isolate and control him are massive red flags.

2/10. Try to be less overtly disingenuous.

Notonthestairs · 23/08/2018 09:44

I suspect his visits are for his own grief as much as supporting his mum. The best advice I received after losing a parent was to make no sudden moves - so no moving house and postponing the wedding wouldn't be a bad idea. They need time to get used to things as they are now - it will settle down (provided that they weren't in each other's pockets beforehand). He should be getting some bereavement support - is he seeing anyone?

Yes he should be coming home directly at least twice a week.

Postponing the wedding would be for both of your benefit - it should be a happy time where you are looking to the future.

TomHardysNextWife · 23/08/2018 09:44

He's treating you appallingly. His mum doesn't need him there everyday, he's choosing to go. To put his mum before his own child let alone his partner for months?

I'd pack his bags and remove the choice from him, personally. You and your little one deserve better.

ShatnersWig · 23/08/2018 09:45

He is attending bereavement counselling

More new information. Maybe he's really not dealing with his father's death well at all and this is how he is currently dealing with it. Going round to where he lived, being with his mum.

I appreciate it's not ideal and it may be a bit frustrating for a while, but as I said earlier, if this was a man complaining about a woman doing the same, the vast majority of responses would be "it can take a long time, cut her some slack". I think there's a lot more going on than is probably evident and while I would agree if things are still this way several months down the road, serious discussions will totally be called for, I still think I'd bear with a while longer.

Juells · 23/08/2018 09:47

Oh FFS I've no patience with this (now!) because I've been there. Everyone will come before you and your child, until you get fed up and leave, at which point he'll move heaven and earth to spend as much time as possible with his child - time he couldn't be bothered to make when you were together.

SootyandMathew · 23/08/2018 09:47

Take my advise and don't marry him. I married my DH 24 years ago and there's always been 3 people in our marriage.

I lovehim dearly but I don't think I would have ever married him if I'd realised.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 23/08/2018 09:50

If your fiance doesn't get home till 8-10pm then he wouldn't be seeing your 3yo regardless.

Does he spend time with his child in the mornings?

ShatnersWig · 23/08/2018 10:01

If your fiance doesn't get home till 8-10pm then he wouldn't be seeing your 3yo regardless.

Quite. So in many ways, that's a red herring too. It's about spending time with the OP rather than than "as a family" as such. Would be different if the child was older.

OP How soon is the actual wedding? You say "about to marry" but I don't think you've said just how soon? Apologies if I missed it.

ElspethFlashman · 23/08/2018 10:03

If he's attending bereavement counselling then he's not OK.

I've been there. I was not OK.

Notonthestairs · 23/08/2018 10:03

What was his relationship like with his mum before his father died? This could be simply a period of intense grief before life finds its natural balance.

For context - my mum died suddenly and for the next year I dragged my family across the country every other weekend and seriously contemplated moving us to the arse end of nowhere to provide greater support to my dad. I was a mess and really visiting my dad was to calm me as much as him. It probably took 18 months 2 years to settle down but now we are back to normal levels of visiting and irritating each other.

He still needs to be coming home earlier at least twice a week.

Original poster
oldandfedupp · 23/08/2018 10:10

The earliest he finishes a shift is 6, but if he goes to his mums he misses seeing our little one before bed. That’s if he is on an early. If he’s on a late then he finishing between 8 and 10.

OP posts:
Original poster
oldandfedupp · 23/08/2018 10:11

Marrying next week!

OP posts:
badadadada · 23/08/2018 10:13

As much as I think you could delay the wedding and you should be more of a priority for him - maybe this is his way of grieving too, not just because he thinks his mom needs him. His dad died only some months ago - that's still pretty fresh.

My DP is very close to his mother, and it's one of the things I really adore about him. But it has affected our lives as he refuses to move some hours away (better work and living) in case his dad was ever to die and he needed to be close to his mom. Yes I do get resentful, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make to stay together, and there are far worse things than a man helping his grieving mother who you say isn't a bad MiL. I don't think you should break up or hold it against him for wanting to help his mother during this period, it's temporary and circumstantial. If it was a year down the line, that's where I would be getting concerned.

ShatnersWig · 23/08/2018 10:16

Next week? ?!!!

badadadada · 23/08/2018 10:18

Just read your updates - yes, next week is a bit soon to delay now. Maybe the wedding day will bring him and his mother some positivity and gives you a physical day to draw a line.

Also read that he doesn't get home to see your DC to bed - this is problematic, but again, only temporary. He's having counselling, so he's still dealing with the aftermath of his father's death. it's easy to say from the outside, but you do need to give him more time.

PurpleDaisies · 23/08/2018 10:23

Just read your updates - yes, next week is a bit soon to delay now.

It’s never to late to delay a wedding if you’re not sure it’s the right thing to do.

ElspethFlashman · 23/08/2018 10:28

Next week
...
.....
.........

Hmm

So this is basically a row where the wedding will go ahead regardless?

OK.

Nanny0gg · 23/08/2018 10:29

We'll see you back in here within the year then...

ShatnersWig · 23/08/2018 10:31

Also read that he doesn't get home to see your DC to bed - this is problematic, but again, only temporary.

No, he works shifts and the OP says MOST of the time he doesn't finish until 8-10. Only occasionally does he finish at 6. Unless he changes his job, don't see that changing, which means it's not temporary.