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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect husband to be to start prioritising us?

197 replies

oldandfedupp · 23/08/2018 07:32

My h2b’s father died earlier this year and we both looked after his mother, had her stay with us for a fortnight, sorted all the paperwork etc etc. She’s a lovely woman and we get on well.
However h2b goes to his mothers after work everyday, and on a day off he still wants to go see his mum. Says she need “looking after”. I’m not heartless, I realise she’s lost her husband (he died age 85) but am I being unreasonable asking h2b to start shifting priority back to us? I asked him to come straight home once or twice a week after work and go see his mum after work on the other nights...he started a horrendous argument over it. I had to leave work because I was so ill with my period a fortnight ago (I get horrendous pain and nausea the day I come on), and after work he came home but then went to see his mother despite me begging him to stay home and look after me. Leaving me to get up and make dinner.
We are about to marry and I explained calmly that I expect both of us to make each other a priority in marriage and while I wouldn’t want him to not have a good relationship with his mother, I needed him to understand we each come first to the other. He started a huge argument and amidst the shouting, he told me his mother comes first and that I was being restrictive and even threatened to not marry me. He also wants to move to the same town as his mother and I don’t want to as houses are ridiculously overpriced there and we can get more house for more money just outside her town. This apparently isn’t good enough so despite the compromise I’m making suggesting we look to buy near her town he only wants to live minutes from her. She isn’t ill in any way, she isn’t disabled and is quite active.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 23/08/2018 09:05

Hang on. You're now telling us he goes round THREE times a day? Morning, lunch and evening?

That's a BIG difference to an hour after work.

Drip feeding? It's like someone's left the tap on!

Original poster
oldandfedupp · 23/08/2018 09:05

I won’t speak to her about it as that’s not fair - Its Between us and I don’t want her to feel she’s doing anything wrong. What I want is for my fiancé to encourage and support her to find her feet again, join classes, so he doesn’t need to go there every evening and can be here more for us. Before FIL got ill, she had a lot of hobbies of her own.

OP posts:
FuckPants · 23/08/2018 09:05

Sorry but I think YABU, all those posters who are saying cancel the wedding can't have lost a parent.

He is probably still grieving - there is no time limit and he's only seeing her for an hour after work, as long as he's around at the weekends I'm not sure what the issue is.

And moaning to his mum who has lost her husband will not go down well, I can't believe a poster suggested doing that.

FuckPants · 23/08/2018 09:07

OP why are you drip feeding? It's almost as if you are manipulating us to get us on your side...

Original poster
oldandfedupp · 23/08/2018 09:08

Yes but I’m not bothered about him going there in the morning and for his lunch - it’s nice! I just want him to come straight home once or twice a week after work.

OP posts:
Original poster
oldandfedupp · 23/08/2018 09:09

Sorry it’s not my intention to drip feed I just tried to keep it fairly anonymous Blush

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 23/08/2018 09:09

My FIL died in his early 60s. So my MIL was also fairly young and certainly healthy.

But by god she needed a lot of companionship that first year. And the last thing she wanted to do was classes or social outings. It was too different without him. It actually took her several years before she tentatively got back to her previous schedule. She still needs a lot of handholding, a decade later.

I think OP you have very little experience of widows. Or bereaved children. That's not a criticism, sometimes I wish I had less experience tbh. But I hadnt a clue before the deaths started happening. I really underestimated how being fit and active means very little that first year, and how responsible an adult child can feel for a parents comfort and ease.

There are two types of kids: ones who let their parents get on with it in general, and ones who feel a duty of sharing their parents daily experiences.

She is your family, married or not. She is your child's grandparent and you say you are fond of her. I would ride this one out. 3 year olds are bloody hard and it may be your resentment becomes too much. But I suppose your fiancé's attitude is that your DC has 2 parents, and doesn't need him for an hour, when his mother is in a lonely place.

BertrandRussell · 23/08/2018 09:10

Hang on- he sees her three times a day? that’s not what you said at the beginning........

ElspethFlashman · 23/08/2018 09:12

I would say that any adult who sees their mother 3 times a day after losing their Dad is not in a particularly good place themselves.

This may be more about the DHs grief than the mothers.

Juells · 23/08/2018 09:12

Christ! He goes there in the morning and at lunch and after work. She must feel under siege in her own home.

If this is real it's way too OTT and suffocating.

Joe66 · 23/08/2018 09:13

OP this would make me feel uncomfortable, and having that close a relationship with his mother is not healthy for anyone when he has a partner and child at home. 8 months along and his mother should be picking up the pieces of her social life and I suspect his actions are preventing that. As to how you respond to the situation? Start making your own life without him as the focus, and all shall probably become clear to you.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 23/08/2018 09:13

when does he see his child?

Original poster
oldandfedupp · 23/08/2018 09:14

On the weekend and before bed if he is home in time

OP posts:
Theresnodisneyending · 23/08/2018 09:14

SOme people don't mean to drip feed, ffs.

OP, right now, your child and you are not his priority - he's obviously not got the desire to actually see you guys. He's just lost his dad, and feels he needs to support his mother. He wants to move to her town - you don't.

The previous poster was right when they said that this is something that, in all likelihood, is never going to change, and indeed later in life when his mother actually needs physical additional care, not just emotional support due to bereavement, he will be there full time, or have her living with you full time, and if you do get married (or not but still live together) you WILL become her carer too, like it or not.

You have some thinking to do. The situation is not going change ANY time soon.

SeaToSki · 23/08/2018 09:16

Do you work FT too? How much help is he putting into housework, running his home and looking after his LO if he is out that late every night?

BertrandRussell · 23/08/2018 09:16

“OP this would make me feel uncomfortable, and having that close a relationship with his mother is not healthy for anyone when he has a partner and child at home. 8 months along and his mother should be picking up the pieces of her social life“

Two things about this. He may not have a close relationship with her all- he may just feel responsible for her so calling it unhealthy is a bit of a stretch. And 8 months is a blink of an eye in terms of grief and bereavement,

Juells · 23/08/2018 09:16

Run before you get trapped.

Juells · 23/08/2018 09:17

Do you work FT too?

I think OP said she works 9-5.

InfiniteVariety · 23/08/2018 09:19

When my FIL died my DH visited his mother more often for while. Then after a few months she began saying when he arrived, "What are you doing here?" and there would be some gentle banter between them as she pretended to push him out the door saying, "Go home to your wife and children." Perhaps your husband thinks he is being a dutiful son and is waiting for his mother to indicate when she no longer needs to see him so much?

Original poster
oldandfedupp · 23/08/2018 09:19

I work 9-5 full time and it’s mainly me doing house chores etc. it needs doing, and obviously as I’m home before him and do shorter shifts it makes sense. He doesn’t seem to understand I understand he needs to support his mother right now but honestly don’t think asking for a little bit of balance is asking much.

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 23/08/2018 09:20

He's goes around three times A DAY??

Wow.

Given that you're clearly not going to extricate yourself from this situation, all I can say is ... good luck. 😳

Nanny0gg · 23/08/2018 09:22

At least postpone the wedding (with a view to cancelling)

His priorities are skewed. MiL has lots of family, probably friends too and she has all her faculties. He needs to back off before he makes her too dependant.

And she could well find it too much but can't tell him (I certainly would)

I'm not heartless, I lost my mother and a young age and my father many years ago. I don't think this relationship (either of them) is healthy.

Original poster
oldandfedupp · 23/08/2018 09:24

I love him dearly though and we have a child. I just wanted to ask if I was being unreasonable because he seems to think I am, I still want to marry him and with that, I believe marriage is about working to overcome anything. Both our parents have been married for a long time and we both believe in marriage I just needed to know if I was being unreasonable or not Sad

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 23/08/2018 09:25

Don't marry him. He's shown you clearly where you stand and if his child isn't his priority then you don't want to marry him anyway.

FlowersAndHerts · 23/08/2018 09:29

OP why are you drip feeding? It's almost as if you are manipulating us to get us on your side.
The next bit of information will be he's one of six, and they all go round every day. Grin