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Original poster

To expect husband to be to start prioritising us?

197 replies

oldandfedupp · 23/08/2018 07:32

My h2b’s father died earlier this year and we both looked after his mother, had her stay with us for a fortnight, sorted all the paperwork etc etc. She’s a lovely woman and we get on well.
However h2b goes to his mothers after work everyday, and on a day off he still wants to go see his mum. Says she need “looking after”. I’m not heartless, I realise she’s lost her husband (he died age 85) but am I being unreasonable asking h2b to start shifting priority back to us? I asked him to come straight home once or twice a week after work and go see his mum after work on the other nights...he started a horrendous argument over it. I had to leave work because I was so ill with my period a fortnight ago (I get horrendous pain and nausea the day I come on), and after work he came home but then went to see his mother despite me begging him to stay home and look after me. Leaving me to get up and make dinner.
We are about to marry and I explained calmly that I expect both of us to make each other a priority in marriage and while I wouldn’t want him to not have a good relationship with his mother, I needed him to understand we each come first to the other. He started a huge argument and amidst the shouting, he told me his mother comes first and that I was being restrictive and even threatened to not marry me. He also wants to move to the same town as his mother and I don’t want to as houses are ridiculously overpriced there and we can get more house for more money just outside her town. This apparently isn’t good enough so despite the compromise I’m making suggesting we look to buy near her town he only wants to live minutes from her. She isn’t ill in any way, she isn’t disabled and is quite active.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 23/08/2018 13:52

@FranticallyPeaceful No, you need to read the full thread. Later on the OP slipped out the info that he actually goes there in the morning and on his lunch break too. Big difference from the original an hour a night. And his dad's been dead since January so he ought to be over it by now, right, bereavement counselling notwithstanding. Because, everyone deals with grief in the same way. Especially men, it never really affects them, does it?

OutPinked · 23/08/2018 13:52

A good compromise would be having his Mother over at yours one day a week or going out with her for the day then perhaps DP can go see her one evening after work too.

Does she have anyone else to spend time with? Does DP have any siblings that could also go see her through the week for example? Other relatives could also give her company if there are any, it shouldn’t all fall on DP.

If these compromises don’t work and he still refuses to give you any attention, I would call the marriage off. I presume you have no DC yet, you don’t want this still being an issue when you do.

OutPinked · 23/08/2018 13:54

Oops, should have RTFT. You do have DC, bit messier then...

Speak to him and see if any compromises work otherwise I would be considering calling the marriage off for the time being.

LEDadjacent · 23/08/2018 13:58

When does he see his son? Going there before and after work doesn't leave much time for his own child, let alone for you.

Faithlulu · 23/08/2018 14:15

I think asking him to come home one or two nights a week is not unreasonable, though need to understand where he is in the grieving process.

Have you though of or is it possible to maybe invite him Mum over to stay one or two nights a week as a compromise? Then he could spend a larger amount of quality time with her and she would be able to see her grandchild too.

TheDowagerCuntess · 23/08/2018 14:17

OutPinked - she has spoken with him, and he yells at her not to be so unreasonable.

She doesn't want to call off the wedding though, so...

FranticallyPeaceful · 23/08/2018 14:30

@ShatnersWig

So she expects DH to see her on his lunch break now? Bizarre.

ShatnersWig · 23/08/2018 14:37

@Frantically No, he visits his mum in the morning before work, on his lunchbreak from work and for the first hour after he finishes work.

simplepimple · 23/08/2018 15:02

There was a very similar thread to this about a year ago op - might be worth looking up to see what happened there.

Juells · 23/08/2018 15:04

simple - how do you suggest to find that thread? (that sounds snarky but isn't meant to be, I find it difficult to find threads on MN)

LeighaJ · 23/08/2018 15:40

I was mostly raised by my great-grandparents. It was gut wrenching for my great-grandmother and 11 year old me when my great-grandfather suddenly died. He was the closest thing I ever had to a father and my great-grandmother was a better mother than mine has ever been.

When she died 12 years later, we still weren't over the passing of my great-grandfather.

8 months is fucking NOTHING.

I'm honestly surprised you all didn't postpone the wedding after his father passed away.

Alldaylong1 · 23/08/2018 16:02

I would say you know if he is being unreasonable, but strangers here won't be able to tell!
It could be he is really struggling with grief, his mum spends a lot of time crying and emotional too, and they just need to pull together for a temporary period.
Normally you get married when all is well and those vows about tough times are theoretical, but in your case they are right now! Do you love and trust your partner? Is he saying these things due to grief, or is he just selfish and doesn't really care for you/prioritise you normally? I think ask yourself these questions and you will have your answers. I agree it would be a good idea to offer your partner the opportunity to postpone the wedding for all your sake - he can work through his grief and you can figure out how important you truly are to him and if he is the right life partner for you. If you really love and trust him I think you would want to put him first right now, losing a parent is awful and for a temporary period I would expect that to trump all other responsibilities.

Bluelady · 23/08/2018 16:12

He ought to be over it by now. Did someone actually say that? How utterly crass.

You never "get over it". You get used to it. You learn to live with it. You come to terms with it. And it can take a hell of a lot more than eight months.

It sounds as if he's visiting his mum for his needs, more than hers. Three times a day is too much, though. She probably thinks so too.

Nevermindhey · 23/08/2018 16:16

I remember a similar thread too with the husband spending most of his time with the mother. In that case he hadn’t got back to work either.

timeisnotaline · 23/08/2018 16:43

I know next week is soon but I would seriously consider postponing the wedding. Assuming he’s a nice guy he’s not coping and that’s not the time to get married. I don’t know if I could marry someone who couldn’t parent for the better part of a year. 3yos are needy and attention seeking and delightful and grow so fast- I can’t imagine bowing out of that for so long or genuinely loving and respecting someone who could. I disagree with the if it were a woman the responses would be different- if it were a woman she’d be juggling it to parent and see her mum and it would only be the adult in her life who had to be understanding. If it were a woman postponing the wedding would still be the sensible thing as it just doesn’t sound the right mindset for getting married. Put it this way- your ds will not be visiting your dp even once a day in the same circs in the future if this is the parenting he is going to get from him. He’ll be saying oh well I know dad’s sad but he was never that bothered about me, or my mum so not sure why he’s so cut up really.

CaledonianQueen · 23/08/2018 16:46

How often did your DF visit his Mum before his Dad died? When did he start visiting her morning, lunch and evening? Has your fMIL stopped eating? I am wondering if he is worried about her eating and has upped visiting to make sure she eats?

Perhaps as the wedding has got closer, his Mum is struggling more, especially at the thought of her husband not being there. I imagine this will be the first big family occasion, which she will have gone to without her husband.

I don’t like that he shouts at you and threatens you with cancelling the wedding just for asking him to come straight home in the evening. That is a major red flag for me. Has he always been dismissive of your feelings and aggressive/ confrontational?

Would he listen if you asked him to come home to spend time with/ bathe/ read a bedtime story with your little one on the evenings that he works the early shift? Then he can go round to his Mums on the late shift, as your little one will be in bed early anyway.

I still don’t get why you are being given a hard time because your period made you ill. I am bedded with my heavy period today, I am literally wiped and would not be safe to look after/ make dinner for/ bathe etc a three year old. It reminds me of my PSE teacher, who was adamant that women only lost up to three tablespoons of blood during their period. I told her that was the first five minutes for me and she refused to consider that she was wrong! Just because for one person, periods are a breeze, does NOT mean that someone else isn’t floored, in extreme pain and drained by their periods! I personally think her dF was a complete asshole to leave her on her own with a three year old. If she left work unwell due to her period it must have been pretty severe! Leaving her unwell with a preschooler was out of order. What if she had just had a c-section and he left her in charge of a three year old/ newborn? Would that have been ok?

I know that eight months is not long grief wise, but it is long when the OP is picking up/ feeding/ bathing then putting to bed a three year old on her own every night. It is OP who will have to hear her little one ask where Daddy is, or see her baby crying because they miss him. That is not easy (I know, I have been there, my dh would work away for 2-3 weeks at a time, but at least he was working) especially when you know he could be home and spending time with you and your little one.

Op is clearly meant to spend every weekend with her MIL too, when is she meant to spend time with her own family? It is heartbreaking that op’s Mil has lost her husband. I can only imagine how lost she must feel. But there is no way I would allow my son or daughter to spend all of their waking time with me, in detriment to their child and partner. This is ridiculous and not going to help anyone if it continues! When is MIL supposed to learn how to be herself if her ds is constantly there?

BertrandRussell · 23/08/2018 16:46

“But why not? Sometimes you have to just get on with life. Doesn't mean you don't mourn. Doesn't mean you don't care. But your first priority should be your children.”

Well m obviously if I had had no choice I would had to. But one or the lovely things about being in a couple is that you can relax about sharing the burden sometimes. When my fil died, dp spent a lot of time with his mother because she needed him. His children were not his first priority for a few months because he knew I had his back and they were fine.

timeisnotaline · 23/08/2018 22:06

January to end August is more than a few months, and given he is screaming at the op when she brings it up there’s no sign at all he’s going to start parenting again any time soon, married or not. It’s a long time in a 3yos life.

AdaColeman · 23/08/2018 22:25

Call off the wedding, even though it is next week.

He wants to move closer to his Mother, you will see even less of him if you do that.
He has told you that you are not his priority.
He can't discuss relationship problems calmly, but shouts at you.
He doesn't help you when you are ill and ask for his help.

What are his good points? No doubt he is an amazing Dad?

seven201 · 23/08/2018 23:35

You're getting married next week!!!! If I were you I'd arrange some couples counselling ASAP. For what it's worth I don't think he should be going every evening for an hour at the cost of seeing your child. If you were just a couple then I don't think it would be too bad, but he should be making time to see his child. My dad was widowed at 63, so I do understand that it's not easy and that the widow needs extra support, but you dp is taking the piss.

AllDayBreakfast · 23/08/2018 23:48

I can't help but wonder how many of the posters squealing "cancel the wedding" are jealous cat ladies.

You have presumably established a unique and strong bond with your partner if you've decided to spend the rest of your life with him. Surely, this is not something to discard lightly.

He may well be going a bit OTT (or maybe not) but he is trying to do the right thing and would it really hurt just to watch and wait for a bit?

AllDayBreakfast · 23/08/2018 23:50

Ok, didnt read the whole thread. 😳

Maybe postponing is wise but if I truly loved somebody I couldn't just ditch them like it meant nothing because they were supporting their mum for a few months after her bereavement (maybe after a year or more!).

PurpleDaisies · 23/08/2018 23:53

So not all “jealous cat ladies” then? Hmm

PositivelyPERF · 24/08/2018 00:06

Maybe try reading the thread before you make a complete dick out of yourself.

AllDayBreakfast · 24/08/2018 00:08

I maintain that posters on here are often far too quick to say LTB when it's not their future at stake.