To expect husband to be to start prioritising us?

[oldandfedupp]

My h2b’s father died earlier this year and we both looked after his mother, had her stay with us for a fortnight, sorted all the paperwork etc etc. She’s a lovely woman and we get on well.
However h2b goes to his mothers after work everyday, and on a day off he still wants to go see his mum. Says she need “looking after”. I’m not heartless, I realise she’s lost her husband (he died age 85) but am I being unreasonable asking h2b to start shifting priority back to us? I asked him to come straight home once or twice a week after work and go see his mum after work on the other nights...he started a horrendous argument over it. I had to leave work because I was so ill with my period a fortnight ago (I get horrendous pain and nausea the day I come on), and after work he came home but then went to see his mother despite me begging him to stay home and look after me. Leaving me to get up and make dinner.
We are about to marry and I explained calmly that I expect both of us to make each other a priority in marriage and while I wouldn’t want him to not have a good relationship with his mother, I needed him to understand we each come first to the other. He started a huge argument and amidst the shouting, he told me his mother comes first and that I was being restrictive and even threatened to not marry me. He also wants to move to the same town as his mother and I don’t want to as houses are ridiculously overpriced there and we can get more house for more money just outside her town. This apparently isn’t good enough so despite the compromise I’m making suggesting we look to buy near her town he only wants to live minutes from her. She isn’t ill in any way, she isn’t disabled and is quite active.

The bit I was retracting was my "wait and see" statement, which is obv irrelevant due to timespan.

'I was so ill with my period a fortnight ago (I get horrendous pain and nausea the day I come on), and after work he came home but then went to see his mother despite me begging him to stay home and look after me'

Stop with the eyeroll, Bunty. Your periods might be fine, many women’s are not.

I’ve been hospitalised almost 20 times due to period pain that’s made me pass out and vomit. I’ve been on opiates as a result for almost 15 years. Looking after my children for that week is extremely difficult and my DH absolutely steps up during my periods as I struggle to stand even with the painkillers.

(I have endometriosis and adenomyosis before anyone suggests I see a gynae!)

I absolutely believe that OP could need his help when she’s in this situation.

This exact thing happened to my mil, the fact that she told me about it maybe thirty years later shows it still affected her. She had a small child and I do feel her dh was neglecting him by not coming home till his bedtime. I would agree visits would increase after a bereavement but you are still grieving whether you are with someone or not.

Op, what do you want to do? Do you want to postpone the wedding? Would you feel better about this if you weren't about to get married, do you think?

I'm so sorry, this mist be tough for you. It must also be tough for your dh, no question, but when someone close to you is going through something nightmarish and you're supporting them, it can often go i noticed and I recognised how much of a strain the supporting is taking on you.
So

My dh died a month ago. I am fit and healthy.

If my son was your husband to be and was coming to see me 3 times a day because 'I need looking after' I would be telling him to go home and look after his family.

My dcs have been very supportive and caring but I have made it very clear that I do not expect them to keep running after me and that they need to get on with their own lives and relationships.

With him having bereavement counselling, I suspect he is really struggling. When so many people say men don't deal with things, don't deal with their emotions, don't talk about upsetting things, often refuse to admit they need help and go to counselling, the fact he is having counselling could be seen to speak volumes.
This ^^. To be honest the fact that anyone at all is having bereavement counselling suggests they're not coping as most people feel as if they're expected to just get on with it and get over it (and struggle privately)
I wonder if he's going round after work and staying an hour because when he turns up saying he's just popping in she 'insists' on him stopping for a cup of tea. And bear in mind that she's just lost the husband that she was presumably married to for years - even if she gets company or goes out during the day she's still going to be finding it really difficult coping with the emptiness of home. Some people struggle more than others.

Whilst I would hesitate to say call off the wedding as you have a DC. together you are not his priority right now so I am not sure it is the right time to go ahead with this. I understand grieving for a parent, I lost my own DF at age 63 but my mum was only 58 and she had friends, interests and my brother still living with her and we lived 250 miles away and I had 2 young D.C.. I visited her monthly with our DC and yes I made her a priority as much as I could for the next few years.

I would maybe try and include his DM in a weekly tea or something and step back from asking your husband to be to cool on his visits at the moment. His mum won't be in the right frame of mind to socialise. 8 months is not long when she has lost her husband and it will only make your DF resent you. I also understand his wish to move nearer but most people say you should not do anything drastic like moving within a year of bereavement. He perhaps could come straight home one day a week for his DCs sake. Forget about his dinner and just sort you and your DC. out. He is a grown man and can cook his own tea.

Hold on, is he an only child or not?

Not. The op says he has one sibling.

I believe marriage is about working to overcome anything. Both our parents have been married for a long time and we both believe in marriage

This was my philosophy too. It kept me in an abusive marriage and several abusive relationships because I believed that it was necessary to work to overcome anything. Thankfully (due to MN and lots of reading around toxic relationships) I learnt a great deal and now how much better boundaries.

My stbexh put work first, then his family, then his friend, then our children, then me. In fact I'm not sure I even figured at all.

Your fiancé is telling you who he is, listen.

He has told you his mum comes first. You are not a priority.

What happens when his mum passes away? He is going to be unable to deal with the grief as his mum was the focus of his life. He will be totally lost and it will be up to you to try and pick him up and put him back together again and get him through it. He is setting himself up for such a massive fall.

I think it's great that he is supporting his mum but it's obsessive and totally inappropriate to be at this level. Is this going to go on for the rest of her life? He's not doing her any favours being there so often and she's probably sick of seeing him.

I lost my dad and helped my mum through. We were always close and became closer. She's had a few serious injuries and needed my help since but my children always came first. (My stbexh had left by then).

Both you and your child are suffering from his lack of attentiveness. This won't get better. Is that what you want for your child?

I have every sympathy for the period issues as I have extensive endometriosis and used to take morphine for period time pain. However I soon learnt that even with 2 children and the inability to do much except lie on the sofa and put a film on, my husband was not going to put me first and take time to look after his children because I was too ill to do so. I too was accused of being controlling.

Don't marry him. Otherwise you'll be back here asking us how to get out of your marriage. Or go ahead, and know that you will never be happy because you will always come second, third or whatever. You're about 4th on the list now aren't you? You'll stay there unfortunately and spend your life miserable. Good luck.

On reading your first post I would have said let it go, because an hour a day doesn’t sound like much, and it may be part of how he processes his own grief as well as the responsibility he now feels towards his mother.

But several times a day, every day, is a lot.

My FIL died suddenly just over a month again, and we live overseas so since we left, after 2 weeks, we have been calling everyday. If we lived closer we would be visiting often. It’s still early days but my MIL is grieving deeply and going out and joining clubs is the last thing she wants to do. In fact she doesn’t want to do anything, and couldn’t even take joy in being with her grandchild. Because all she could think about in those moments was how much has been snatched away from.

Everybody grieves in a different way. Some people shut down completely, others become quite dependent on the next closest loved ones.

7 months can be an eternity or the blink of an eye, and marriage is long. Grief after the death of a parent can take a very heavy toll on a marriage or relationship, and many people express their grief through anger (my husband’s case). Even if he were home with you daily, things would no doubt be very different to how you want them to be.

It’s often repeated but you cannot change him, only yourself. Stop criticising, stop any blame, give him the emotional space he needs in order to process his loss. Use this time to consider what you need from your marriage in times of crisis - because there will be many more - and to assess your role in this dynamic. Decide what you can and can’t accept, and make your life choice accordingly.

Word of warning though - he may well have thought “I don’t want to commit to THIS” in the heat of the moment. However this kind of threat, if he feels it is working, will come again and again. Anyone that threatens to leave a partnership because conflict arises (as opposed to someone deciding that subsequently, while calm) is using the threat to dominate and control. That, to me, is your bigger problem.

Elinor, my deepest condolences for your loss. I just wanted to say tha your post is inspiring and touched me deeply. The love you are giving to your children in this moment is immeasurable.

Can you pick your MIL to be up after you finish work, take her home and cook dinner. Then your dp would have to come straight home as mum is at your place - then he can drop mum home.

MIL gets company in the evening, it breaks the habit for your dp if always going to his mums after work ( I wonder if this is for his benefit as much as is supposed to be for her, I think it’s part of his grief and he can’t break the habit)

After my dm died, I was a mess for a long time. Df was a mess too, for many years. I can remember my then partner complaining to me “I’d just like to be a priority!”

I can remember looking at him incredulously and just thinking what? I simply didn’t have the head space for him to be a priority. Not even close. His attitude made me feel completely unsupported, and the relationship became a burden. I left him shortly afterwards, so that I could focus on my family and my own grief.

A year later I met someone else, and although I was still processing my grief, that relationship thrived because he gave me space and understanding. He supported me without ever being needy. It was so different from the previous relationship.

Now, I didn’t have any kids then, so it was a different scenario. But I do think that the more you push him, when he is feeling this way, the more he will push back. His flying off the handle rather than discuss things is not good at all, but at the time I was exactly the same - it was purely a product of the grief; I am not normally like that. I wasn’t emotionally strong enough to deal with the added pressure he put on me. I was brittle for a long time.

I don’t know what the answer is, especially with regard to the wedding. It might be a good idea to ask him if he’d like to postpone till he’s in a better place, but do it in a non-confrontational manner. Suggest that it might be better to do it at a time when you can focus on your marriage, and right now his mum and his grief need to be everyone’s focus.

I think I would just try reducing the pressure a bit, and see if that helps you to communicate better.

On the other hand, if he has always been unable to discuss things in a calm manner, and has always dictated where you live etc then it is perhaps time to question the relationship, as things will only get worse.

3 times a day is excessive, especially as there is another sibling and other relatives closeby.

However, I think telling him you need to be his priority would go down like a lead balloon.

On the day you were ill, he should have come home and looked after your DC .... I understand why you would be upset about that. It's as though your sickness has been trivialised... perhaps because it's a regular monthly occurrence.

I think you'd be better trying to get him home on those days you're ill and let him go without raising him going other nights an issue.

Postpone the wedding.You may worry about the cost but divorce costs more.
Is he helping his mum because she is believed or is she helping him?

Postpone the wedding. Say that you want him to be well and happy in order for the wedding to be a true celebration. You will lose money but will at least chose whether or not to be married - a decision to be made when he is well.

Another point of view....

I am you OP.
Very similar circumstances. Almost identical, except for the moving house suggestion.

How is your DP doing mentally? It's not just his Mum who has suffered a loss. Your DP has lost his Dad, and that's hell on wheels.

My DPs Mum is really struggling. I go with him where practical, but I try to give them space together to work through the grief.

My DP is a talker, and emotionally open. He has a very open relationship with his Mum, and is an only child. His Dad did so much for his Mum - practical stuff like replacing batteries in the remote control, bill paying, shopping (she doesn't drive). She's not useless, but she's having to become independent, and it's taking time. He's being very patient.

I won't say it doesn't drive my insane at times, because that wouldn't be true. I have yelled at him a few times, because frankly some of the things he's gone over to do have been bonkers. I won't give examples, other than yesterday's 3 hour round trip to take her some OTC meds.
She has lots of local friends and family, but she wants him there, and he feels very torn and obligated. I can see how difficult it is for both of them.

I will say that it has demonstrated to me what a selfless man he is, and it's lovely that he's so close to his Mum.
I think you can tell a lot about a man by seeing how they treat their Mum.

He is grieving, and he cares for his mum which is a good thing. One hour is not a lot. It is wrong to demand he prioritises you. Instead of a row you perhaps need to sit down and think about how he spends his time with his Mum and when but don't try to push him this is not a time for ultimatums. If the children's needs are met there should be a reasonable plan

For those who haven’t read the full thread, he sees his mum 3 times a day. They have a 3yo, and I think he always home after bedtime, so he’s effectively pulled out of parenting. His dad died in January so he’s basically missed 7-8 months of his 3yos life. Even if the relationship worked out, if this were my dp i don’t think I’d ever forget this year where my dc didn’t have a Dad at such an important age.

Late in the day though it is, I also think you need to postpone the wedding.

It's not selfish to want your husband to focus on you on your wedding day, but it seems certain that he won't be. He'll probably be watching his mum even when you're saying your vows.

From what you've said, it sounds like he really means it when he says his mum will always come first. I get that he may still be grieving. I get that he's worried about his mum, although he's taking it to extremes. But his dad's death may have completely changed him and his attitudes, and although you say you love him you might find that there is a new him who is not the man you fell in love with.