To be angry with my friend *TRIGGER* friend is ttc

[Brushedcottonpjs]

Friends since high school, very close during our teens/early 20's with nights out, holidaying, sharing everything etc. We were so close.

She helped me out in a massive way by employing me as her PA and things were so so good!

Friend had confided in me that she'd been ttc since they got married (now over 10 years ago) and we'd shed many tears together over it.
The time came for me and my dp to ttc and I told her that we were but didn't make a big deal of it to spare her feelings.
It took 18 months before I got pg, I told her quite early on partly for work reasons and partly because I didn't want her thinking I'd concealed my pg from her due to her still ttc.
Her reaction was mixed, as I expected and we had a few tears together about how it would be her too soon enough etc.

Since then she's changed. She began working from home a lot as my bump became more obvious, which was hard for me (no more long lunches, laughing and chatting etc) but I reasoned it was much, much harder for her to see me about to have a baby whilst wanting her own so desperately.
I went on mat leave and she went very low contact with me, the odd reply to my emails and being very busy if I wanted to visit her. She did call to my flat with cards/flowers etc for my birthday and when my ds was born. Always flying visits but I figured she would be struggling and was grateful to her for her efforts.

She then made me redundant at the end of my mat leave
Gave very good reasons and by the book etc but it was a blow.

The contact has remained similar but she has 'forgotten' both of my ds birthdays (my birthday is 2 weeks after his and she's called in with flowers for me on my birthday)

Was invited to a mutual friends housewarming last weekend and she was there with her dh.
We hugged warmly and chatted about her work and my new work etc then we were all sat in the lounge, about 15 of us.
Whilst I chatted to someone else I could see my ds trying to show her his toy, she was ignoring him, I could tell that she could see and hear him perfectly well but she just blanked him.
The host called over to her 'the little one wants to show you his toy'
She still didn't acknowledge him, she actually got up and went into the kitchen, her dh followed her. I assume she was upset.

Am I bu to be pissed off with this now? All that's happened since I got pg I've put up with and been as understanding as I can but for her to just ignore my little boy in front of everyone like that, has she gone too far now?

It’s rudeness plain and simple . Ttc is obviously very difficult and emotional. I lost three pregnancies in the past. But what she’s doing is making it all about herself. Life goes on , people get on and live their lives. You have done nothing wrong. Quite frankly she is making a massive production out of it with her body language / behaviour.

I can understand why she feels sensitive about your pregnancy/child when she’s not been able to conceive. Yet, you are not being unreasonable to be upset by her behaviour, to ignore a little child is just mean IMO. I’d struggle to be friends with someone who couldn’t accept my child.

You're not being unreasonable to be pissed off, but you should also try and cut her some slack. She hasn't 'gone too far' she's clearly just not able to deal with your little boy, as you know as she went into the kitchen as she was so upset. Be a friend to her, keep a lid on your own annoyance, it's nothing compared to the hurt and sadness she'll be feeling at the moment.

She’s cut ties with you tbh.
10 years struggling to conceive is a very long time. She clearly finds it too upsetting to be around you and your little one - every month passing is another piece of your heart being ripped out.
How does she manage with other people though - does she not go to the supermarket shopping, out to eat or travel around? Babies and pregnant women are everywhere!
Maybe she needs counselling if she’d rather lose a good friend over it, or her situation could end up consuming every relationship she has

Of course you're not unreasonable to be angry, but it seems she's not able to cope and is not actually your friend anymore. Jealousy is an ugly thing but the pain of child envy is truly awful, so have sympathy. You don't know how you would feel in the same circumstances.

I would also cut her some slack. I had a friend who was also very off with me after the birth of my first son, it transpired eventually that she had also been pregnant but had lost her baby. Her baby would have been due about the same time as my son. It could well be a similar situation here. Could you see her child free? Xx

She hasn't gone too far, no. She's made it very clear to you that she does not really want to be your friend anymore, and she doesn't have to be. Doesn't matter what her reasons are.

God that's a tough one! Like many women I have had troubles TTC in the past and know the heartbreak. However, when my DS became pregnant with my DN I couldn't very well just cut off contact. I think she's being unreasonable if I'm being honest. That's not to say I have no sympathy for your friend, I have, but clearly you have been very mature and sensitive to her position.

I think ignoring a child is horrible. Upset or not, presumably she's had plenty of time to get used to your DS and hasn't wanted to.

Move on OP sadly this was too much for your friendship to handle

Her reaction was mixed, as I expected and we had a few tears together about how it would be her too soon enough etc.

The trouble is, it may never be her. Unfortunately not everyone ends up with a baby.

I agree that seeing her without your child is best if you want to continue the friendship.

I don't think you should be angry with her. It wasn't ideal to ignore your son but she wasn't nasty, just removed herself from the situation. I think you need a bit of perspective really, this is a little blip that you are annoyed about but will be forgotten about soon as you carry on with your life and raising your kids. For her, not being able to have a child IS her life, and all the pain that entails.

She is entitled to end friendships that are too difficult for her, she didn't invite you and your child somewhere and then ignore him, she crossed paths with you at a mutual friends place. Just leave her be.

I feel very sorry for both of you. I do think, though, that she needs to pull herself together if she is unable to treat small children with any sort of respect. It's really rude to ignore someone and a toddler/baby isn't an appropriate target for one's feelings.

I can't imagine what it's like for her but she needs to leave children out of it.

She doesn't want to be friends any more, I suggest you let her go both for her sake and for yours. I'm really sorry, I know how painful it is. The fact that she's also hurting doesn't make it any easier for you

Ignoring a small child is a horrid thing for an adult to deliberately do. She’s obviously in pain so I can understand where she’s coming from but but even so I find her blanking a small child a little too cold of character. A step too far imo.

I’m not sure i’d have it in me to ‘cut some slack’ for a woman who made me redundant on my return from Mat leave. Unless it did have nothing to do with my pregnancy.

Either way, she obviously can’t cope with the fact that you’ve had a baby and that IS understandable. She also can’t manage being friends with you, which is sad but unfortunately part of life and you will have to let the friendship go.

I wouldn't cut her some slack. If you had a single friend and you met them at a party, would you think it's acceptable for them to ignore your husband? I don't see why problems ttc seems to give you a free pass to behave rudely.

You’re not being unreasonable but she’s obviously not coping with it

No you don't need to cut her some slack, she was rude to a small child who won't understand why.

It's awful for her to be going through that but she isn't the only one, a friend of mine took 7 years to conceive. It's reality for a lot of people but it doesn't excuse that kind of behaviour

Does she ignore other children and has she pulled back from other friends in a similar way?

Is it at all possible she felt you have rubbed her nose in it at some point? Even if you hadn’t, and were considerate to her feelings, we can all perceive words and actions in different ways.

Obviously you can’t control being upset about it, but it seems your friendship has died down anyway. There’s not much to do about it I suppose.

It's reasonable to feel upset but i think it is unlikely that she was deliberately trying to be nasty to your son.
I think your friendship may have run its course and it's time to move on.

Of course she was mean to a small child, he didn’t deserve that at all, and she’s an adult. Being pleasant to small children isn’t a huge ask in a social setting - infertility issues or not. If she can’t cope being around children, then she should choose her social engagements more carefully.

Obviously the loss of your friendship is sad, but sometimes it’s just too hard for some people to be friends with someone who has everything they want, but can’t have. You have to let her go...and your anger with it. Be happy with your family and understand her sadness at not being able to have that too,

Your DS isn’t going to be scared for life having an adult ignore him, he’s really not and to him it wasn’t personal because he didn’t have a rekationship with her.

Seems to me it will be very hard to continue with thIs friendship. I understand both sides but she clearly cannot deal with your blessings that unfortunately may never happen for m her. Give her the time and space she needs. Let her come to you.

I think I realised a long while ago that the friendship is gone
It's been hard to accept as we were so close (I feel selfish for feeling this way)
I feel so sad for her that she hasn't been successful in ttc yet and truly hope that it does happen for them.
I think that's what I've been waiting for, in the hope that somehow once they finally have dc things will change back to how once were.

I've seen her child free on a handful of occasions and she's seemed fine.

After how she acted with my ds I can't help but wonder if everything that's happened is her rejecting him somehow. She's able to be friendly to me, she didn't ignore me, she ignored my child, which hurts.

"a friend of mine took 7 years to conceive"

The friend may have been told she will never conceive.

I don't think you're being unreasonable for feeling angry/hurt with your friends but I do think you have a lack of understanding.

I'm someone who has conceived ridiculously easy three times at the ages of 41, 42 and 45. I'm very lucky. But I have or really should say had several friends and work colleagues with fertility struggles inc failed IVF attempts and they have chosen to distance themselves from me. I don't like it and I do feel hurt and that I'm being punished for something I haven't intentionally done to hurt anyone BUT I also understand.

Your friend is clearly still struggling to accept she may never have the child she wants and finds having you around and watching your bump grow in to a baby and then in to a child too painful to bare.

It's also possible that she goes out of her way to avoid babies/ young kids in her day to day life and was a bit blindsided to see one at friends housewarming. She left the room quickly, maybe she was trying not to cry. I just think I would want to be charitable in this situation since I was the one who had been able to have kids and a family that she so desperately wanted too.

once they finally have dc

They may never have them. That is something she will be having to come to terms with too.