To be angry with my friend *TRIGGER* friend is ttc

[Brushedcottonpjs]

Friends since high school, very close during our teens/early 20's with nights out, holidaying, sharing everything etc. We were so close.

She helped me out in a massive way by employing me as her PA and things were so so good!

Friend had confided in me that she'd been ttc since they got married (now over 10 years ago) and we'd shed many tears together over it.
The time came for me and my dp to ttc and I told her that we were but didn't make a big deal of it to spare her feelings.
It took 18 months before I got pg, I told her quite early on partly for work reasons and partly because I didn't want her thinking I'd concealed my pg from her due to her still ttc.
Her reaction was mixed, as I expected and we had a few tears together about how it would be her too soon enough etc.

Since then she's changed. She began working from home a lot as my bump became more obvious, which was hard for me (no more long lunches, laughing and chatting etc) but I reasoned it was much, much harder for her to see me about to have a baby whilst wanting her own so desperately.
I went on mat leave and she went very low contact with me, the odd reply to my emails and being very busy if I wanted to visit her. She did call to my flat with cards/flowers etc for my birthday and when my ds was born. Always flying visits but I figured she would be struggling and was grateful to her for her efforts.

She then made me redundant at the end of my mat leave
Gave very good reasons and by the book etc but it was a blow.

The contact has remained similar but she has 'forgotten' both of my ds birthdays (my birthday is 2 weeks after his and she's called in with flowers for me on my birthday)

Was invited to a mutual friends housewarming last weekend and she was there with her dh.
We hugged warmly and chatted about her work and my new work etc then we were all sat in the lounge, about 15 of us.
Whilst I chatted to someone else I could see my ds trying to show her his toy, she was ignoring him, I could tell that she could see and hear him perfectly well but she just blanked him.
The host called over to her 'the little one wants to show you his toy'
She still didn't acknowledge him, she actually got up and went into the kitchen, her dh followed her. I assume she was upset.

Am I bu to be pissed off with this now? All that's happened since I got pg I've put up with and been as understanding as I can but for her to just ignore my little boy in front of everyone like that, has she gone too far now?

@Brushedcottonpjs
At her ignoring a child, my child, after everything that went before I couldn’t help feeling like this.

After what?
After she kept in contact when she had to let you go?
After her visits even though they were most likely very painful to her?
After remembering about your birthdays?
After she hugged you and chatted with you?

Stop seeing your child as extension of yourself. She has a relationship with you, not with your child.

Why are so many of you admitting to ignoring children?

Why are so many posters acting like not acknowledging a toddlers toy when upset is the worst crime known to man? On any other thread the OP would be told to stop being so precious and that her kids weren't that interesting to anyone else but her. But throw infertility into the mix and suddenly the friend is bitter, a cunt, comments about her unsuitability to be a mother. It's fucking horrible.

She may have come to terms with the fact that she won't have children, and just realises that your lives are on different paths now. It's not personal. It's just really tiring to have to act interested and amused by other people's kids. I try not to interact with my friends' kids unless I can help it because they are just dull. Not that they are dull, it's just that they are to me. She might also have already been 'ooh, nice' to your son about his toy before you saw them together, and was trying to shake him off so he'd go bother someone else.

The ignoring is a bit rude but the rest she must find pretty hard.

We all deal with stuff differently and I'd let this friendship go now.

Unfortunately, however resistive you were, the fact you were having a baby, after so little time, was always going to be an issue with her. You cannot change that, you are not responsible for her feelings and hurt. Unfortunately you having a baby has changed the friendship, and it will never be the same. You just have to put that aside and move on.

Her reaction to yiyrds was rude and unacceptable, for that, is why I wod just call time on what's left of the friendship. You don't treat a child like that, however you feel.

'Stop seeing your child as extension of yourself. She has a relationship with you, not with your child.'

Oh and this x 1000

I have been in the OP’s situation. And for me that was how it remained. I can engage with children now but my god there were times when I couldn’t because I was tearing apart inside. Those of you who have never experienceD this pain just be grateful.

I take it I can be a total fucker to anyone who has a massive VW transporter, because I want one and cant have one.

Ffs. As if that is remotely the same.

I think yhis also highlights the dangers of having a friend as a boss. The redundancy does sound a bit too conveniently suspicious to me, but I had a rough time through redundancy perhaps seeing the worst.

Rather than finger pointing isn't it just best to accept that you are now both in different places in your lives and just let the relationship drift into acquaintance territory?

OP sounds like you've been supportive and understanding throughout your pregnancy. Credit to you, and to your friend who visited you even though it sounds like it was very painful for her.

YANBU to be upset, but I'd hold off on "pissed off". Your friend is clearly struggling massively and you might have to let her move on and away from you.

In terms of the instance with your son, if she scurried away into the kitchen to be upset immediately after perhaps she ignored him because she felt like she might burst into tears if she played with him?

How are you not more upset about being redundant at the end of your mat leave??? That’s fucking horrendous behaviour on her part!!!

The famous parental empathy and sensitivity we hear so much about are in short supply on this thread

Neither of you are BU or NBU, you are both just being human.

Maybe, rather than deliberately blanking your child, she was just trying not to cry at a social gathering.
I completely understand why you are upset, but I think you need to let this friendship go, as sad as that is. I am pregnant and found it ridiculously easy to conceive. One of my best friends, who has been trying for a year and a half, no longer returns my calls or texts. Yes it is sad to have a friend behave like this, but it is even sadder to desperately want a child and not be able to have one.
Time to let go.

Behaving badly towards friends with children when you have struggled to conceive is perhaps understandable, but it's not rational or particularly pleasant, so it's also understandable if friends move on with their lives.

She's cut you loose OP, I'd just ignore her from now on.

However, if she does eventually get her longer for baby and all is well again, tell her to fuck off.

I know someone like that, she would kick off, rip up scan photos, threaten to kick her sisters in the stomach when they all fell pregnant but when she finally got her IVF baby it was the second coming and expected it to be treated as such.

Some people are just bellends

Tbh I think that people are given to much of a free pass if they’ve found it difficult to conceive, and yes, I ttc for seven years unsuccessfully so I do know what that’s about.

But it seems that as soon as someone is unable to fall pregnant that gives them a free pass to behave like a rude entitled arsehole in any situation where there might be a small child present, because they can’t have one. Now here’s the thing, children are a fact of life. And at some point you have to get past the idea that just because you can’t have one that gives you the right to ignore/avoid/be rude to anyone who might have what you don’t. Where does that end? I can’t get a job so I should be entitled to cut off friendships with anyone else who has one? I will never have a lifestyle which affords me decent holidays so I can behave like a dick to anyone who can afford them? Err no.

I have every sympathy for someone who would like a baby and can’t have one for whatever reason. But my sympathy does not extend to thinking that that person can behave however they want and ignore whom so ever they choose just because of that fact.

I know someone like that, she would kick off, rip up scan photos, threaten to kick her sisters in the stomach when they all fell pregnant but when she finally got her IVF baby it was the second coming and expected it to be treated as such.

That sort of behaviour is in no way comparable with what the op has described. It isn’t even in the same league.

And at some point you have to get past the idea that just because you can’t have one that gives you the right to ignore/avoid/be rude to anyone who might have what you don’t. Where does that end? I can’t get a job so I should be entitled to cut off friendships with anyone else who has one? I will never have a lifestyle which affords me decent holidays so I can behave like a dick to anyone who can afford them? Err no.

Someone in that situation has every right to protect themselves from pain.

And decent holidays and children are just exactly the same, aren’t they?

And decent holidays and children are just exactly the same, aren’t they?

It’s a totally crass comparison to make. As if any infertile person wouldn’t swap holidays for a child.

To anyone pointing out my selfishness and why I should feel guilty, believe me, I already know.

I think she’s been selfish too, and I think she’s allowed to have been given the circumstances.
I suppose the ignoring my ds made me look at things from a different perspective or it was the last straw.

Reading through all the replies I don’t think she’s a cunt that needs a slap. I can now see that her ignoring him wasn’t about him or me, I had no idea what was going on in her life surrounding her ttc but it was obviously something that made being around him too upsetting.

I guess all through my pg and since, I’ve felt that he upsets her. But then again, why wouldn’t he?

I think this has been building up for me since her behaviour changed when I told her I was pg.
I’ve tried so hard to be understanding but I guess the friendship is gone.
I won’t completely cut contact with her, I’ll keep things as they are and try to keep her plight at the forefront of my mind and cut her some slack.
After all, I have my ds and that’s what this has all been about.
I should be grateful for that.
Thanks for reading and replying.

That sort of behaviour is in no way comparable with what the op has described. It isn’t even in the same league.hmm

End result is always the same though. They get their baby and expect their past behaviour to be forgotten about

I'd cut her some slack. I think you should have called your little boy over to you.

It must have been like a knife to the chest for her when your little boy was trying to interact with her. She's sitting there wanting exactly what you have and can't have it. She probably went to the kitchen in tears.

I think she was very upset, and shouldn't have been put in that position where your child could upset her like that.

Ffs, he's a CHILD who was trying to be friendly towards another adult, it's not like he knew she was having trouble ttc and went over to intentionally upset her! Smh

Nobody is blaming the child sparkle. I don’t know how you got that from reading that post.

Actually after 10 years there's a good likelihood she will never 'get her baby'.