To be angry with my friend *TRIGGER* friend is ttc

[Brushedcottonpjs]

Friends since high school, very close during our teens/early 20's with nights out, holidaying, sharing everything etc. We were so close.

She helped me out in a massive way by employing me as her PA and things were so so good!

Friend had confided in me that she'd been ttc since they got married (now over 10 years ago) and we'd shed many tears together over it.
The time came for me and my dp to ttc and I told her that we were but didn't make a big deal of it to spare her feelings.
It took 18 months before I got pg, I told her quite early on partly for work reasons and partly because I didn't want her thinking I'd concealed my pg from her due to her still ttc.
Her reaction was mixed, as I expected and we had a few tears together about how it would be her too soon enough etc.

Since then she's changed. She began working from home a lot as my bump became more obvious, which was hard for me (no more long lunches, laughing and chatting etc) but I reasoned it was much, much harder for her to see me about to have a baby whilst wanting her own so desperately.
I went on mat leave and she went very low contact with me, the odd reply to my emails and being very busy if I wanted to visit her. She did call to my flat with cards/flowers etc for my birthday and when my ds was born. Always flying visits but I figured she would be struggling and was grateful to her for her efforts.

She then made me redundant at the end of my mat leave
Gave very good reasons and by the book etc but it was a blow.

The contact has remained similar but she has 'forgotten' both of my ds birthdays (my birthday is 2 weeks after his and she's called in with flowers for me on my birthday)

Was invited to a mutual friends housewarming last weekend and she was there with her dh.
We hugged warmly and chatted about her work and my new work etc then we were all sat in the lounge, about 15 of us.
Whilst I chatted to someone else I could see my ds trying to show her his toy, she was ignoring him, I could tell that she could see and hear him perfectly well but she just blanked him.
The host called over to her 'the little one wants to show you his toy'
She still didn't acknowledge him, she actually got up and went into the kitchen, her dh followed her. I assume she was upset.

Am I bu to be pissed off with this now? All that's happened since I got pg I've put up with and been as understanding as I can but for her to just ignore my little boy in front of everyone like that, has she gone too far now?

welling up!!!!

That said I would never expect people (especially those without children) to want to interact with my child, and don't feel that they should. It's not an obligation of everyone to interact with children

But interacting with anyone isn't an obligation but it is still rude to ignore anyone (be that person an adult or child), but it is particularly hurtful when the person ignored is young and innocent and is just proud of the toy/showing it off and wouldn't understand why the lady wouldn't talk to him.

She made OP redundant on return of mat leave after ostracising her at work when she was the boss and no one finds that suspicious? Self preservation doesnt give you a right to do that.

Sympathy can only stretch so far for someone when they are adversely affecting your life. I would personally let the friendship go after the work incident OP, the recent incident with your DS was rude but I could emphasise with the difficulty of interacting with little children.

delilahswishes is it really rude not to want to interact with someone? Or is that just female socialization? Are men expected to interact with children if the child wants to?

Yes it is rude, if I sat next to someone on the bus and said hello or started conversation and they ignored me and moved away, I would find it rude and be a bit put off.

Like if someone smiles and says good morning in the street it is polite to respond, of course you aren't obligated but to ignore would be rude. It's not a male/female thing, I always find it a bit rude when my child makes an effort to talk to someone or interact with some whether that be male or female and they are ignored.

If the OP's friend had burst into tears in front of everyone and ran out of the room crying, when the little boy was trying to get her attention, would that be seen as equally objectionable?

I think it's rude when strangers try and strike up conversations with me on public transport. I don't know you, I have my own shit going on, this is the time I get to myself, why would I want to speak to you? On a tangent It really pisses me off when people play musical instruments on the tube and assume that everyone want to listen to them!

"I always find it a bit rude when my child makes an effort to talk to someone or interact with some whether that be male or female and they are ignored."

I hope you are not one of those who allows their child to come over and pester me and my child and then looks horrified when my child starts shrieking.

I agree to an extent bluemoon as I am quite a private person and not one to start a chat with a stranger (that was just an example), but equally the person starting a conversation or making contact with you has their own problems and you Don't know what they are dealing with. A little kindness doesn't take much out of your day but could make someone elses.

sleepy I was more thinking of times my toddler has been sat in the shopping trolley and tried to smile or talk to the person behind us in the queue and they just ignore. Not really sure what scenario you seem to be implying and why your child would shriek when approached by another child I'm not suprised the other parent might look horrified? Unless you are talking about a child hurting or being mean to yours..

Not really sure what scenario you seem to be implying and why your child would shriek when approached by another child I'm not suprised the other parent might look horrified? Unless you are talking about a child hurting or being mean to yours..

Not ever thought about children with additional needs?

"I always find it a bit rude when my child makes an effort to talk to someone or interact with some whether that be male or female and they are ignored."

Um, not everyone wants to talk to strangers or children.

Your child. You interact.

Like if someone smiles and says good morning in the street it is polite to respond, of course you aren't obligated but to ignore would be rude. It's not a male/female thin

It is a female thing.

How many times have you tried to ignore some creep trying to paw you or engage you in a gross drunk conversation in a bar or on the tube. Wen you try to polity brush off and move away you get shouted at - "I'm just being friendly love, whats you;re problem"

I know it’s sad but this friendship is definitely over. She has TTC for almost two decades without success?! I would imagine it’s very, very unlikely to happen for her at this stage presuming every avenue has been explored. Her heart is clearly broken and you are a reminder of what she can’t have but desperately wants.

delilahswishes some children with additional needs are very anxious about other children approaching them/ trying to talk to them.
Toddlers are a particular anxiety because they are unpredictable, often noisy and don't understand leave me alone body language.
Some children, particularly those who have a learning disability may have distressed behaviours such as shrieking, hitting themselves and their parents, in that situation.
It is unreasonable to expect other people to always want to or be able to interact with your child and if you can see your child's interaction is not welcome you should do something to end it.

I think it actually is quite easy to avoid babies, kids and pregnant women, if you have no kids you just avoid those places they are likely to be and of course you don't need to interact with a pregnant women in McDonalds or whatever.

It is indeed. I have spent most of the last 20years doing just that. I have lost friends along the way, but they were people who didn't understand my pain and my need to not be involved with their children. I don't mourn the loss of those friendships because also along the way I have met lots of lovely friends who are either parents of older children, didn't want children or couldn't have children.

We often see on here threads about how mothers find friendships with childless women difficult to maintain after having a baby, and the advice is usually that it's ok to jettison that friendship. Why can't we have the same consideration?