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Original poster

To be angry with my friend *TRIGGER* friend is ttc

265 replies

Brushedcottonpjs · 22/08/2018 12:22

Friends since high school, very close during our teens/early 20's with nights out, holidaying, sharing everything etc. We were so close.

She helped me out in a massive way by employing me as her PA and things were so so good!

Friend had confided in me that she'd been ttc since they got married (now over 10 years ago) and we'd shed many tears together over it.
The time came for me and my dp to ttc and I told her that we were but didn't make a big deal of it to spare her feelings.
It took 18 months before I got pg, I told her quite early on partly for work reasons and partly because I didn't want her thinking I'd concealed my pg from her due to her still ttc.
Her reaction was mixed, as I expected and we had a few tears together about how it would be her too soon enough etc.

Since then she's changed. She began working from home a lot as my bump became more obvious, which was hard for me (no more long lunches, laughing and chatting etc) but I reasoned it was much, much harder for her to see me about to have a baby whilst wanting her own so desperately.
I went on mat leave and she went very low contact with me, the odd reply to my emails and being very busy if I wanted to visit her. She did call to my flat with cards/flowers etc for my birthday and when my ds was born. Always flying visits but I figured she would be struggling and was grateful to her for her efforts.

She then made me redundant at the end of my mat leave Sad
Gave very good reasons and by the book etc but it was a blow.

The contact has remained similar but she has 'forgotten' both of my ds birthdays (my birthday is 2 weeks after his and she's called in with flowers for me on my birthday)

Was invited to a mutual friends housewarming last weekend and she was there with her dh.
We hugged warmly and chatted about her work and my new work etc then we were all sat in the lounge, about 15 of us.
Whilst I chatted to someone else I could see my ds trying to show her his toy, she was ignoring him, I could tell that she could see and hear him perfectly well but she just blanked him.
The host called over to her 'the little one wants to show you his toy'
She still didn't acknowledge him, she actually got up and went into the kitchen, her dh followed her. I assume she was upset.

Am I bu to be pissed off with this now? All that's happened since I got pg I've put up with and been as understanding as I can but for her to just ignore my little boy in front of everyone like that, has she gone too far now?

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 22/08/2018 15:24

FFS, why do people always trot out 'miracle' shit? There's no such thing as miracles; no one wants to hear such shit stories, least of all people who can't conceive. It reminds me of when a friend's son died from cancer as a child. So many people told her about how their fifth cousin twice removed's adopted hamster had brain cancer with mets to every part of his body including his back claws 'but he survived and is fine now!' What are you supposed to do, clap? There are probably a billion people on this Earth right now whose parents were 'told by doctors they'd never have kids.'

Lipsticktraces · 22/08/2018 15:25

Everything Bananafish81 says with bells on.

She can’t cope with being your friend anymore op. After ten years her pain must be utterly horrendous. I lived with infertility for three years and they were the most unbearable of my life. She likely made you redundant because she couldn’t cope with hearing about your child, she ignored your child and walked away because her pain is too intense.

You cannot rationalise the pain infertility brings. It truly does drive you insane and until you have lived with it you cannot know how it feels.

I’m very sorry for the both of you. My best advice would be to just leave her alone from now on though for both your sakes.

LeftRightCentre · 22/08/2018 15:26

It does seem incredibly likely that she fired you because you had a child because she could be around your bump, left the room when your child tried to talk to her etc, that just seems very rude to fire someone because they are pregnantshock

She didn't fire her, the OP was made redundant after her mat leave for what she says were good reasons 'on paper'. The OP has extrapolated from this that it was because she had a child.

MirriVan · 22/08/2018 15:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 22/08/2018 15:33

So she didn't want to interact with the child and the host started pressuring her into interacting? That's a little out of order in itself, trying to make someone talk to somebody when they have already indicated that they don't want to. No wonder she upped and left.

I mean, if she was truly unable to fake it then yes, she may well have problems going forward. But I suspect (and I freely admit that I have no clue about infertility) that seeking therapy to deal with the pain of infertility might feel like you are giving up TTC once and for all and that must feel like a massive, daunting decision for some.

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 22/08/2018 15:36

And yes, Mirri, I agree. It's hardly Rwandan genocide is it?

SerenDippitty · 22/08/2018 15:40

A miracle is just that, a one in a million chance happening to one in a million people. I know that somebody wins the lottery every week, that doesn’t mean I will. T Ellington someone with fertility problems that miracles do happen might make you feel better but it is verging on cruel.

FranticallyPeaceful · 22/08/2018 15:40

She’s obviously quite traumatised by TTC for so long. You’re not being unreasonable for having your feelings but still

Nanny0gg · 22/08/2018 15:41

i think making you redundant is a bigger issue, I wouldn’t be understanding of that behaviour at all

Quite. Don’t tell me she couldn’t manage to contrive a reason.

It’s sad, OP, for both of you.

Walk away.

Clarich007 · 22/08/2018 15:42

Hi. Pajamas
I can see both sides of this really as I was in her position, and I feel genuine sympathy for her, but it isn't your fault.We tried for years before I had a miscarriage.I never managed to get pregnant again so we have no children.
At the same time all my friends were having babies, and yes.... It did hurt, but I wouldn't have dreamed of acting like she has with you.
I was pleased they were happy with their own little families.
I just wonder if she's thought of adoption ?

PurpleDaisies · 22/08/2018 15:46

I just wonder if she's thought of adoption ?

BINGO!!!!!!!!!!

PurpleDaisies · 22/08/2018 15:47

I just wonder if she's thought of adoption ?

I mean seriously. Of course she has. She’s been trying to conceive for 10 years. Do you seriously think the thought has never entered her head? FFS.

Bobbybear10 · 22/08/2018 15:51

I can’t understand why you didn’t call your son over to you as soon as you saw your ‘ex?’ Friend was getting distressed with your son trying to engage with her? Because that’s what was happening, she was obviously very distressed. She wouldn’t have ignored a small child in front of various people unless she was feeling really upset and not coping.

It’s not your fault you have a DS and she is clearly unable to have DC but I do wonder how much she feels you may have rubbed her nose in it. I’m sure you wouldn’t have deliberately done so but as with not calling your son to you at the party it could be you are a little oblivious to small things that to her feel huge.

Cheeseplantandpickle · 22/08/2018 15:54

I’d put her down as lost, what can you do whilst you have children and she doesn’t? One of my oldest friends stopped speaking to me when I had children, five years later she’s pregnant but she hasn’t told me herself (we live at opposite ends of the country). I’m pleased for her, but given I’ve heard nothing from her for ages, it’s a dead relationship to me.

bananafish81 · 22/08/2018 15:56

I just wonder if she's thought of adoption ?

I would be utterly astonished if someone who's been struggling with infertility for so long hadn't thought about adoption. I highly doubt that anyone who's facing the very strong likelihood that they will never be able to have a birth child hadn't considered alternative routes to parenting

I would be staggered if anyone were to respond to the 'have you thought about adoption' question by saying 'omg thank you for mentioning it, the possibility of adoption had never occurred to me at any point!'

I guarantee you that she will have thought of adoption. I guarantee that multiple people who know of her struggles will have told her 'well you can always adopt' or asked her 'why don't you just adopt?'

I'm writing a book about real women's experiences of infertility and pregnancy loss, and have had a deluge of responses to the online questionnaire I've posted to allow people to contribute anonymously. Under the 'what's the most unhelpful thing that anyone's said to you about your infertility ' section, pretty much every single response includes the 'have you thought about adoption' comments (as well as the miracle baby stories)

Yes, she will have thought about adoption

PurpleDaisies · 22/08/2018 15:57

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER how fantastic! There’s always hope isn’t there?

No. There isn’t always hope. Those sort of stories are totally irrelevant and cruel to tell people who are struggling to conceive.

bananafish81 · 22/08/2018 16:03

The second most common unhelpful comment throughout all the responses to the questionnaire, is definitely the miracle baby anecdotes

These are usually very well intentioned comments but desperately, desperately unhelpful to so so many people struggling with infertility

LeftRightCentre · 22/08/2018 16:05

I just wonder if she's thought of adoption ?

Have you? It's not the unique domain of those unable to conceive. Anyone can consider it and try. Hmm

dailyshite · 22/08/2018 16:08

I haven't RTFT so apologies if it's moved on.

I used to hate the whole 'it will be you soon', actually, no it won't. Not ever and you saying that is like a punch in the gut combined with a hollow laugh.

I think you need to make a choice, you either maintain the friendship but understand that she is not all about your child (which she is allowed to be) so see her on your own, or if you feel that you child an you only come as a package you say goodbye to the friendship.

greendale17 · 22/08/2018 16:13

And this is a woman who made someone redundant after she returned from a pregnancy, would someone e.g. argue that it was because the OP had had a baby and she couldn’t have one? I bet there are people who would.

I firmly believe that that the OP was made redundant because she had a child. Which makes her so called friend absolutely pathetic. Being infertile doesn’t give you a pass to treat people like dirt.

formerbabe · 22/08/2018 16:18

Let's imagine having a friend whose single and desperate for a relationship. They come to your house and your husband says hello to them and they blank him. Would you consider that acceptable?

diddl · 22/08/2018 16:18

"The host called over to her 'the little one wants to show you his toy'"

I'm guessing that the host doesn't know what she has been through.

I also wonder why you didn't fetch your son when he was obviously being deliberately ignored by her.

That said, I think that the friendship was pretty much over when she ade you redundant.

Original poster
Brushedcottonpjs · 22/08/2018 16:19

To clarify on the redundancy issue.
It came almost out of the blue to me.
Besides one KIT day where we were in her office and she breezily mentioned that she’d struggled without me but just about managed on her own.
About 2 weeks later she came to see me, visibly upset, saying she was going to have to make my position redundant because the company couldn’t justify paying a PA when she’d just proven she could do the work herself.
It was a shock. And given that she’d distanced herself so much since I announced my pregnancy I couldn’t help connecting that to the redundancy. I got the feeling it suited her, me not being around at the office and she decided to make that permanent.
I know how much she was hurting through ttc so went along with her wishes.
She went through all the right channels and did pay me off correctly. I would never have considered taking her to a tribunal or anything anyway as she’s been a good friend.
Her mind was made up.
She gave me an excellent reference and I’m now in another good job so there’s no ill feeling there.

OP posts:
Belindabauer · 22/08/2018 16:22

Just to add along time ago dh and I were very good friends with a couple.
Dh and I tried for a !ing time to have a baby and luckily we did.
Our friends were trying to conceive too but weren't so lucky.
Anyhow, we didn't see as much of them as we had done.
Then I had dc2 and invited the friends to the christening.
The male partner confused that they couldn't have a child and things were very strained between them. She had an affair in an attempt to get pregnant.

She didn't get pregnant.
They did come to dcs christening but the husband told us they might have to suddenly leave at any given point as the wife was struggling to cope.
We hugged and both cried.
She was visibly struggling to hold it all together.
They left early without saying goodbye or any explanation.

They never contacted us again or replied to us.

This was before fb etc.

His brother told us that they simply could not have anything to do with us again because we had children and it was too painful.

Eventually the strain took its toll and they split up.

I hope they are both ok.
I can only imagine the pain.
My heart bleeds for people in this situation it really does.

I have no advice except to say you cannot image how painful it must be.

LeftRightCentre · 22/08/2018 16:27

Honestly, just move on, Brushed. You're invested far too much emotionally here and she's not. Just let it all drift away.

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