To be angry with my friend *TRIGGER* friend is ttc

[Brushedcottonpjs]

Friends since high school, very close during our teens/early 20's with nights out, holidaying, sharing everything etc. We were so close.

She helped me out in a massive way by employing me as her PA and things were so so good!

Friend had confided in me that she'd been ttc since they got married (now over 10 years ago) and we'd shed many tears together over it.
The time came for me and my dp to ttc and I told her that we were but didn't make a big deal of it to spare her feelings.
It took 18 months before I got pg, I told her quite early on partly for work reasons and partly because I didn't want her thinking I'd concealed my pg from her due to her still ttc.
Her reaction was mixed, as I expected and we had a few tears together about how it would be her too soon enough etc.

Since then she's changed. She began working from home a lot as my bump became more obvious, which was hard for me (no more long lunches, laughing and chatting etc) but I reasoned it was much, much harder for her to see me about to have a baby whilst wanting her own so desperately.
I went on mat leave and she went very low contact with me, the odd reply to my emails and being very busy if I wanted to visit her. She did call to my flat with cards/flowers etc for my birthday and when my ds was born. Always flying visits but I figured she would be struggling and was grateful to her for her efforts.

She then made me redundant at the end of my mat leave
Gave very good reasons and by the book etc but it was a blow.

The contact has remained similar but she has 'forgotten' both of my ds birthdays (my birthday is 2 weeks after his and she's called in with flowers for me on my birthday)

Was invited to a mutual friends housewarming last weekend and she was there with her dh.
We hugged warmly and chatted about her work and my new work etc then we were all sat in the lounge, about 15 of us.
Whilst I chatted to someone else I could see my ds trying to show her his toy, she was ignoring him, I could tell that she could see and hear him perfectly well but she just blanked him.
The host called over to her 'the little one wants to show you his toy'
She still didn't acknowledge him, she actually got up and went into the kitchen, her dh followed her. I assume she was upset.

Am I bu to be pissed off with this now? All that's happened since I got pg I've put up with and been as understanding as I can but for her to just ignore my little boy in front of everyone like that, has she gone too far now?

maxthemartian here here

I ignore children all the time. They're annoying!

This. Unless I'm missing something she wasn't abusive to him? Just didn't want to interact with him. Which is fair enough.

I find it weird that you would expect her to remember your son's birthday and send a card. Why on earth? She's not his auntie.

Other people's children for most people are very uninteresting and often kinda annoying.

Or it might be that she doesn't want to talk to your son because it reminds her that she doesn't have children. Maybe.

Either way - she doesn't want to hang with your child. Which is a reasonable position for her to take.

I have a friend who's child I find intensely irritating and I now hate going out with her because the child is always there and she spends 90% of the time focused on the (past toddler age) child and very rarely will go out without the child. So its been a bit of a killer for our friendship. No fault really on either side - just different interests.

This is so sad. Why not ask her how she feels. We are all like little children.

You do need to cut people slack because you do not know what they are going through.

I never fall out with friends. Friends are people that at times treat you unreasonably. That is what being a friend means.

@MirriVan
If random adults start bugging me they stand a good chance of being told to fuck off!

at this ^^
And actually I do get that she could be going through anything and I’m unaware (as we are not close now)
My ds probably got ignored for good reason.
It’s just her doing that, on top of everything else that I’ve put up with (she had a good reason to make me redundant, on paper, but it felt like it was because of her ttc problems)

I will admit that I absolutely have no clue what she’s going through, but I’m not stupid either.
I know how being unable to conceive is horrible & heartbreaking.
Just because I haven’t experienced it myself doesn’t mean that I have no clue about it.

But as @maxthemartian said:
As sad as it may be for this woman, I don't think that any adult is entitled to take their issues out on others like that and have a permanent get out of free card for shitty behaviour.

At her ignoring a child, my child, after everything that went before I couldn’t help feeling like this.

The op doesn't lack anything! She's been incredibly understanding and patient with this woman.
The friend has behaved pretty badly actually.
I know that not being able to have children is awful but it doesn't give you free rein to act like a cunt towards your friends and their offspring ffs.
For example, my aunt & uncle would have made the best parents. They are wonderful people who even in the face of numerous miscarriages & failed IVF attempts stepped up to be the best Auntie & Uncle they could be to not only their siblings dc but to their friends dc.
They were devastated time & time again but they picked themselves up, dusted themselves down and then put all energy into loving their nieces & nephews related or not.
I guess some people are just destined to make everything all about them in every situation and can't help but wallow in self pity.
That's really sad because they will just end up bitter and friends will walk away.

^Sorry but just because she can't possibly have a child means she gets to piss on people who have.

Life doesn't work like that. Shit happens in all sorts of ways, it's how you deal with it that counts^

The distinct lack of understanding on by some posters on this thread depresses me - FWIW I've been lucky when it comes to conceiving my children, that doesn't mean I can't show a little empathy and try to understand how someone who's struggled, and may continue to struggle could possible be less than enthused by someone else's baby! It doesn't even sound like this poor lady was nasty, just not interacting with the child, Christ, give her a break.

Why is everyone acting like the whole world owes your baby fond attention? Other peoples children are super annoying, no-one is obliged to play with or interact with them if they don't want to, for whatever reason.

Oh Lord, and I crossed posts with someone calling her a cunt. My point is proven!

I will admit that I absolutely have no clue what she’s going through, but I’m not stupid either.

Just because I haven’t experienced it myself doesn’t mean that I have no clue about it.

I do realise these statements are contradictory and now think maybe I am a bit stupid

Have to say I'm also in the confused camp as to why you are getting angry now about her "forgetting" your kids birthdays and getting upset and ignoring your son trying to show her a toy when you seem to have taken her making you redundant remarkably well??

My close friends don't "remember" my kids birthdays with gifts etc. It has never been a feature of our friendship and I think I would have more sympathy with a desperately unhappy ttc friend being completely unable to cope with one of my kids seeking attention when they were small than you seem to have, especially when you seem to have understood/accepted the redundancy....

Anger at this stage seems an unusual response on your part....

I think the OP did show plenty of empathy though, not taking action after obviously being redundant due to having just had a baby is pretty fucking empathetic don't you think?

So if not having a kid when you want one is justification for being a cunt to your former close friends..

I take it I can be a total fucker to anyone who has a massive VW transporter, because I want one and cant have one.

I can be a total shithead to anyone who can walk, because I can't, I use a wheelchair.

Oh and anyone who doesn't have DCM can fuck the fuck off too because my heart is fucked, why should YOU all get to enjoy YOUR perfectly functional body parts....

The OP is not being unreasonable.

The woman in question is being a shit and she will end up with no friends at all, she wants a slap - not having what you desperately want is fucking horrible, but it doesn't give you carte blanche to behave like a cunt to others.

Ignoring children. A wonderful quality in future wannabe mum.

She will know she's being unreasonable but you have your baby, she doesn't and might never. That's a pain you can't understand and it will cause her to act unreasonably. Be kind.

What the hell? Why are so many of you admitting to ignoring children? If someone ignored someone because they were old, disabled or black because they found old people for example annoying everyone would go fucking mad. Seems like on mumsnet it's sometimes cool to be rude to kids.

Fwiw my sil is an infertile midwife and she's not a bitch. You don't get a free pass.

toomanychilder no one asked her to babysit or take the kid to soft play- a child (yes a child) was trying to show her something. Its pretty spiteful behaviour if she actively ignored them.

It's not spiteful at all.

From your friends perspective, she has acknowledged and celebrated your pregnancy to the best of her ability.

The work relationship is work so I wouldn’t muddy the waters with presuming you were made redundant because you had a child. You already said the redundancy was legitimate with good reasons and by the book so just let it go.

She forgot your kids birthdays. Was she reminded or invited to celebrate? His birthday probably doesn’t register with her the way yours does. She has/had a relationship with you not your child, I doubt she is keeping track of his birthdate for her own sanity.

And she didn’t respond to your toddler while she was talking to adults nstead she removed herself from the situation, seemingly upset?

Why not cut her some slack? Why be angry at her? You have your child, a new job, what’s to be angry about?

What did she do wrong? she didn’t pay you enough attention? Her business circumstances changed and now you don’t get long chatty lunchesat new job? She wasn’t able to interact with a child when she was talking to her friends? She wasn’t rude to him, she just couldn’t cope and left the room visibly upset from what you said.

Why didn’t YOU redirect your child instead of being upset with her? Why don’t you spend as much time considering your behaviour as you do hers?

Maybe time to let this relationship you might not be as good a friend to this woman as you think you are.

huggybear as another poster mentioned, if someone lost their mum at a young age, are they entitled to go round ignoring others? Its not a pass to be rude

A woman quietly leaving the room because she was clearly struggling really doesn't warrant such a level of vitriol from some posters. Are you happy with these responses OP? You know your friend, do you agree that she is a cunt and needs a slap?

What the hell? Why are so many of you admitting to ignoring children? If someone ignored someone because they were old, disabled or black because they found old people for example annoying everyone would go fucking mad. Seems like on mumsnet it's sometimes cool to be rude to kids.

Erm, what now? Pretty sure people can ignore anyone they like for whatever reason they like. Would you go "fucking mad" at a woman who ignored a random man trying to talk to her that she didn't want to talk to? Or random people anywhere talking to them? No, you'd say "ignore them".

Ridiculous (and offensive) comparisons.

The thing is, people who have relationships with us aren't obliged to have relationships with our family members.

She has no duty to remember your child's birthday, nor to interact with him if she chooses not to. Perhaps when he's a teenager not a toddler she'll feel differently.

One of my dearest friends disliked one of my children when he was little. That's OK, I met up with her outside the home rather than inviting her back here. (Now they get on very well.) Just because he's important to me doesn't mean he needs to matter to her.

Your friend's lack of engagement in your child can either be something you accept and work around or it can be the final straw and you go your separate ways. Neither of you are being unreasonable (assuming the redundancy was genuine) and sometimes relationships just run their course.

toomanychilder agree to differ.

Ignoring children. A wonderful quality in future wannabe mum.

Wow. Just wow.

'Why is everyone acting like the whole world owes your baby fond attention? Other peoples children are super annoying, no-one is obliged to play with or interact with them if they don't want to, for whatever reason.'

I completely agree, and I'm someone who actually enjoys being around little children. That said, I have had times when I would have done exactly the same as your friend - ignored the child and removed myself from the situation. She sounds absolutely heartbroken and devastated. A good friend of mine had a baby at around the time that I was longing for a baby myself. The envy I felt made me hate her guts. I actually scared myself with how strongly I felt. Don't underestimate how painful it is when you feel like everyone in the whole world has a baby except you

That said OP, I absolutely understand why you feel angry and why you are grieving for your friendship. It's always tough to lose a good friend.

I think it's the end of the friendship really. Move on.