To be angry with my friend *TRIGGER* friend is ttc

[Brushedcottonpjs]

Friends since high school, very close during our teens/early 20's with nights out, holidaying, sharing everything etc. We were so close.

She helped me out in a massive way by employing me as her PA and things were so so good!

Friend had confided in me that she'd been ttc since they got married (now over 10 years ago) and we'd shed many tears together over it.
The time came for me and my dp to ttc and I told her that we were but didn't make a big deal of it to spare her feelings.
It took 18 months before I got pg, I told her quite early on partly for work reasons and partly because I didn't want her thinking I'd concealed my pg from her due to her still ttc.
Her reaction was mixed, as I expected and we had a few tears together about how it would be her too soon enough etc.

Since then she's changed. She began working from home a lot as my bump became more obvious, which was hard for me (no more long lunches, laughing and chatting etc) but I reasoned it was much, much harder for her to see me about to have a baby whilst wanting her own so desperately.
I went on mat leave and she went very low contact with me, the odd reply to my emails and being very busy if I wanted to visit her. She did call to my flat with cards/flowers etc for my birthday and when my ds was born. Always flying visits but I figured she would be struggling and was grateful to her for her efforts.

She then made me redundant at the end of my mat leave
Gave very good reasons and by the book etc but it was a blow.

The contact has remained similar but she has 'forgotten' both of my ds birthdays (my birthday is 2 weeks after his and she's called in with flowers for me on my birthday)

Was invited to a mutual friends housewarming last weekend and she was there with her dh.
We hugged warmly and chatted about her work and my new work etc then we were all sat in the lounge, about 15 of us.
Whilst I chatted to someone else I could see my ds trying to show her his toy, she was ignoring him, I could tell that she could see and hear him perfectly well but she just blanked him.
The host called over to her 'the little one wants to show you his toy'
She still didn't acknowledge him, she actually got up and went into the kitchen, her dh followed her. I assume she was upset.

Am I bu to be pissed off with this now? All that's happened since I got pg I've put up with and been as understanding as I can but for her to just ignore my little boy in front of everyone like that, has she gone too far now?

I waited along time for dds. I had to go through eptopics, miscarriage and many rounds of IVF. I would have never treated a child like she did.

She was being a knob. I wouldn’t bother with her again. She sacked you because you had a child ffs!

There was a stage when i couldn't touch or interact with other people's kids because i didn't trust myself not to scoop them up and run away with them.
Doesn't excuse the rudeness but i do feel for her.

I think making you redundant is a bigger issue, I wouldn’t be understanding of that behaviour at all.

Thing is you don’t know what’s going on in her life at this moment. She could be feeling particularly sensitive after a failed cycle/miscarriage/ some other bad news and just not be able to interact with a small child. In that position, I have tried my best to hide my feelings, but appreciate that not everyone can or wants to.

Agree with the suggestions to distance yourself from her or see her on your own.

I do think that she feels I've rubbed her nose in it, despite me trying so hard not to.
I feel like I've done something wrong in having my ds. It has really hung over me and to an extent the way she's been with me caused me to enjoy my pregnancy less as I felt guilty for being pg. I feel guilty a lot actually, I've got something she desperately wanted/wants. Those feelings are often followed by deep sadness for her and her dh and then more guilt for being happy.
I guess I'm finally mourning the loss of our friendship

I think you have to just let the friendship quietly slide. Whatever your annoyance might be, it’s minor to how she must feel and your small ds would have forgotten about it in a moment. Unfortunately, you and your friend are no longer compatible.

I ignore children all the time. They're annoying

Do you ignore adults who talk to you? Or is just easier to ignore children because they can't challenge you

I ignore children all the time. They're annoying!

Would you make an effort ignore a member any other age group who was actively trying to get your attention because you find that age annoying?

X-post op. You really can’t win with this one. Don’t feel guilty about letting the friendship end, it sounds like you’ve tried to be thoughtful but it’s just something you can’t fix.

What exactly happened with the loss of your job? What reasons did she give you?

Honestly she just sounds like she can't cope with her failure to conceive. I know it is hard not to take it personally just like it is hard for her not to take it personally when she has had to watch you, her closest friend getting pregnant, having a child etc. while she gets left behind. I has something similar happen to me when I married and had a child. My best friend just completely withdrew from me. I don't think it was to punish me or because she was jealous. I think she just felt a bit abandoned. I have tried to keep in touch for old times sake but I think our paths may have diverged too much for her to handle.

I think the friend's behaviour means your friendship is over. However, her reaction may have been out of her control. Ten years ttc? She sounds like she's in a living hell, poor woman, and she probably beat herself up for what she did afterwards.

However, you do sound like another poster who has no fucking clue how much infertility can wreck your sanity and who you are:

I do feel hurt and that I'm being punished for something I haven't intentionally done

You are not being 'punished'. Some people commit suicide over infertility, that's how unbearable it can be, and others need to distance themselves for their own sanity. People like you say, "I know I was lucky" but you really have no clue how much.

You have three children; taking on the victim role over someone else's torment is pretty distasteful.

It's time for you to just move on from this. Being angry with her is a waste of energy. I'm with you, Mirri.

I don't think you're being unreasonable for feeling angry/hurt with your friends but I do think you have a lack of understanding.

I dont think OP has a lack of understanding, I think you OP were incredibly understanding: distancing herself, sacking you, and now ignoring a child. Yes Im very sorry this woman's plight but you cant pretend your child doesnt exist to appease her.

I can see it from both sides.

When I was ttc my colleague and friend seemingly sailed through two pregnancies and births while I struggled secretly with ivf etc

I did feel bitter, I know it wasn't her fault, but I did. It hurt to see her with her babies.

Then I eventually had my children and during my second pregnancy a good friend miscarried her baby . I was as sensitive and supportive to her as possible but she started ghosting me after the baby was born. Sadly it was too painful for her and our friendship died.

You will feel how you feel but I don't think you can ever assume you know how others feel! She is showing her pain. It may be rude, and unfair on your child but it's very real to her.

Btw. I later found out my colleague had been suffering with pnd, while I had been so caught up in jealousy!

Try and put yourself in her shoes.

I doubt OP's toddler is scarred by somebody not acknowledging their toy. It certainly doesn't compare to ten years and counting of TTC, the loss of the life you dreamt of. Did people also miss the fact that she went into another room? She was probably trying not to cry in front of everyone.

I do agree that the redundancy is a much bigger issue.

Why are you so upset? I doubt she 'forgot' the kids birthdays, rather didn't bother to remember them in the first place, on the basis they're not her kids. She can't have kids. Instead of getting annoyed with her, stick with the empthy of the first part of your post.

I think it’s sad but she doesn’t want to be your friend and I stop trying.

Enjoy your family freely.

I’d be very concerned regarding the redundancy though.

My mum died when I was a child. That makes me very sad. I am still capable of saying hello and having a conversation with my friends parents.

I think she was very upset, and shouldn't have been put in that position where your child could upset her like that.

I think you need to be more understanding

As sad as it may be for this woman, I don't think that any adult is entitled to take their issues out on others like that and have a permanent get out of free card for shitty behaviour.

Sorry but just because she can't possibly have a child means she gets to piss on people who have.

Life doesn't work like that. Shit happens in all sorts of ways, it's how you deal with it that counts.