Ex wants to take child home for Christmas!

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AIBU to say no?
Child is 10, we live on the other side of the world. Separated when child was weeks old. Generally have pretty amicable relationship, so no court order in place. This year he wants to take child who will be 11 at time of travel home to the uk for Christmas with his now wife for 3/4 weeks. He's asked to take him back 3 times previously and I've always said no. It's too far, it's a special time of year or they are too young. They will spend time mostly holidaying with her family as doesn't have strong bond with his. (But they will see them at some point) Child identifies with her parents as grandparents etc, when they visit. I'm not sure what's best, child wants to go to the UK (first time) but would prefer not to go at Christmas as they've never been away from me on the day itself. No option for holiday at other time this year due to both their work commitments. What should I do?

Who are you saying no for? For yourself or for the child?

Yes spending time without your child during Christmas would be upsetting .... but you have managed to have all the Christmas's so far? And the child father hasn't had the pleasure so far ....?

Can you spend part of the time in the U.K. to?

I think if you have had 10 christmases with them enjoying your culture and family then it’s only “fair” to give the child the chance to experience the other to

Let your child go and have Christmas with his Dad.

That would be a good option but I don't have $2.5k for my flight

How would your child cope for that length of time. Mine see their dad regularly and then he has them for 2 separate weeks in the summer holidays, they are always desperate to get home by the end of the week.

My children aren't at all sensitive but I know they'd struggle being away from me and home for such a long time, especially over Christmas.

What does the kid want? I’m guessing rather stay with mum.

Why do you feel you have a monopoly on Christmas?

I think YABU you say you are amicable with dad and have no safeguarding concerns, you've had DC for every other Christmas, DC wants to go, let him enjoy another country and the other side of his family. I funny think his dad is asking too much and I think you've been unreasonable not to let him travel for the last decade

*don't

Ya I, you’ve had your child at xmas for 10 years. It’s time to let your ex enjoy that time.
You say your child wants to go.. let them go

Would it really be so bad to let a father take his child home for 1 Christmas? A child has two parents and while I understand you might not like to child being away at Christmas it’s just for 1 year and it seems fair to me.

Child is 10 it’s not too far, children much much younger than that go on long flights every single day!

Sounds like your saying No more for you......

I'd ask your child what they want and make it absolutely clear that whatever they decide is fine, no guilt, no fuss, you'll be fine etc. Dh has never once been allowed to have his dc on Christmas Day and it does feel very unfair. We always got 'the time between Christmas and New Year' (the day after boxing day) by which time they were sick of opening presents and eating turkey.

I’d stick with ‘no’.
You’re not being unreasonable, OP.
A month is too long.
Two weeks maximum, if you’re willing to compromise.

I can imagine it must be really hard for you, but he is his dad and has much right to Christmas and holidaying with him as you do. I think you should encourage it and make it out as something exciting and a good experience for him, which it probably will be. You can always do a little Christmas of your own with him before or after.

If the child dosnt want to go away for Christmas then surely that’s the answer. If they want to take the child to the UK at another time then they can aim for that.
3/4 weeks would mean one parent missing the entire holiday period if you’ve never forced your ex to miss the whole of December then he is being very unfair.

Totally selfish crap

What will your excuse be next time?

If the child dosnt want to go away for Christmas then surely that’s the answer.

The trouble with this is that a child is likely to say this purely because they don't want to hurt mum's feelings, even if it's not really how they feel. If what op has written is anything to go by, she may well have already passed on her misgivings to her child. It's very easy to do this, albeit inadvertently. Op wants to say no, the child will have picked up on that and won't want to cause her distress.

You're being utterly selfish. I am the parent that takes the child back to the UK and I had to go to court to allow it. You will have the child resenting you. They will have fun, and there is no reason except you don't want them to to say no. They can take you court for travel, and I can't imagine that your child will thank you. I'm sorry for being harsh, but your child doesn't belong to you, Christmas doesn't belong to you- think of them, not you.

Does your child genuinely not want to go at Christmas or are they saying that because you’ve given them the message (consciously or unconsciously) that it’s only for mum and not dad?

Another one here whose DH has never had his dc for either Christmas or birthdays. It’s upsetting for him, and it means our christmas plans are always dictated by dsc availability and his exes family plans, which never seem to be finalised until the week before.

I’d conser letting him/her go. It could be a great adventure for them and it would help them build a good relationship with their Dad. 11 is a good age because at that age kids are still happy to go along with things and won’t be too busy with friends or school work.

I would let your child go, but for two weeks, I think four would be too long, for a first visit.

Why does it have to be so long? Lots of Australians do a 2 week trip home for Christmas. It's manageable. It would be a compromise.

Why do you think that you deserve to spend Christmas with your son more than him?

Let are 11 not 11 months, let them go and spend time with their father. Unless they don't want to go, that is different. At that age, it is up to them.