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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex wants to take child home for Christmas!

307 replies

adviceneededplease18 · 22/08/2018 09:45

AIBU to say no?
Child is 10, we live on the other side of the world. Separated when child was weeks old. Generally have pretty amicable relationship, so no court order in place. This year he wants to take child who will be 11 at time of travel home to the uk for Christmas with his now wife for 3/4 weeks. He's asked to take him back 3 times previously and I've always said no. It's too far, it's a special time of year or they are too young. They will spend time mostly holidaying with her family as doesn't have strong bond with his. (But they will see them at some point) Child identifies with her parents as grandparents etc, when they visit. I'm not sure what's best, child wants to go to the UK (first time) but would prefer not to go at Christmas as they've never been away from me on the day itself. No option for holiday at other time this year due to both their work commitments. What should I do?

OP posts:
Notmethistimehonest · 22/08/2018 11:09

I also agree YABU. You have had your child for every Christmas so far.

It is also important for her to see the home country of one of her parents.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 22/08/2018 11:12

U can you let them go but for a shorter period say a week or 10 days. If there is a lot of stuff planned then their time will fly. 3 weeks is a long time if they think they won't enjoy it

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 22/08/2018 11:12

I think the ex needs to work out a holiday that is NOT Christmas. All commitments can be worked around if you want something enough.

DancingDot · 22/08/2018 11:15

And for all those saying a month is too long - many children start boarding school at 11

Oh alright then..... Hmm

One parent (unless violence has been involved) should not have a monopoly on their children, my own ds goes to N.I every other Christmas to see his other granny which is only fair Unless you live in Australia/NZ etc then a child popping across on a ferry to NI is hardly the same thing. If your child ends up in hospital you can be with them in a matter of hours. If something happened to Op's child whilst in the UK, it could take her days to get to him and even then only if she managed to raise the $2.5k that the airfare would cost her. I personally wouldn't want to be in this position and would need to make sure that I had an emergency fund available.

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 22/08/2018 11:15

They will spend time mostly holidaying with her family as doesn't have strong bond with his. (But they will see them at some point)

This is critical bit.

NorthernSpirit · 22/08/2018 11:17

Why do you think only you should get to spend Christmas with the child?

Do you not think that the child would want to spend Christmas with their dad?

This is all about you and you are being unreasonable.

Children have 2 parents. If it went to court you would likely get alternative Christmas.

If the shoe was in the other foot how would you feel?

sunbunnydownunder · 22/08/2018 11:18

We have just come back from 2 weeks visiting family back in Ireland. It was way too short a time and the kids would of loved to stay longer. I brought them on my own and my DH stayed here so effectively I brought them to the other side of the world without them. He missed them but knew it was good for them to connect with people that are related to them and to see where they are from. The one thing I would worry about is if he would bring him back but if you are amicable and both countries are part of the Hague you shouldn't have that problem

ilovegin112 · 22/08/2018 11:22

who would I be to stop my child having a relationship with his own family, if my late dh had been from aus it wouldn't have bothered me sending my ds there to see his family , I of course would miss him but that wouldn't stop me wanting him to see the world with his parent

ADarkandStormyKnight · 22/08/2018 11:31

*They will spend time mostly holidaying with her family as doesn't have strong bond with his. (But they will see them at some point)

This is critical bit*

Sorry why does this make a difference? The child will be with the dad and people who the child regards as grandparents.

blueskiesandforests · 22/08/2018 11:34

This thread is utterly meaningless unless @adviceneededplease18 comes back and tells us how well her child knows his father.

Do father, mother and child all live on the opposite side of the world to grandparents? If so do they do 50/50 parenting or is he an every other weekend dad? Who raises the child day to day? How long has the child previously been in the father's sole care at a stretch - just overnight? A week? More?

Did the father emigrate to the other side of the world, father a child, then fuck off ten thousand miles away and leave his ex alone to bring up a newborn, visiting every year or two?

In first scenario the parents are equal. In the second the father abandoned his kid and the mother to do all the day to day parenting so he deserves none of the bleeding hearts on here and the child's interests are all that matters - if the father left his child then everything is on the child and mother's terms and he should be ashamed of himself.

If the father allowed the mother to take the child to the other side of the world the scenario is different again.

Original poster
adviceneededplease18 · 22/08/2018 11:40

Goodness didn't expect this to merit so many responses ! So we 50/50 parent. Both from the UK originally, now live in OZ.
Split when child was very little, my decision not his. He is a good dad, very supportive and his wife is great with our child.
Appreciate that going back for 2 weeks isn't an option due to flight times, jet lag etc.
at Christmas kids here get 2 months holiday, so it would help with childcare.
Want them to have the memories of a traditional British Christmas, but I've recently split from my partner so much as I don't want to admit it - don't want to be alone.

OP posts:
Ihaventgottimeforthis · 22/08/2018 11:47

If he wants to go, I think you should let him. As a previous poster said, if you do feel alone how about throwing tradition out of the window and trying something completely different - a retreat, volunteering, going on a trip, giving Christmas a miss altogether?

DancingDot · 22/08/2018 11:47

It sounds like you've had a really shit time advice BUT it's best not to make a decision based on your current emotions/situation. Ultimately this is about your child and a wonderful opportunity for them - IF they really want to go.

LemonBreeland · 22/08/2018 11:51

I think the problem with saying no now is that you have said no three times already. Have all of the times he's asked been Christmas?

I can understand you wanting to be able to share Christmas with your DC and I think a month is a long time for a child to not see one parent, when they are used to seeing both regularly, However, if your DC wants to go I think you should let them.

Ideally it would not be Christmas time, but you can't say no forever.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/08/2018 11:51

Do you have any friends you could spend it with? It does sound like it'll feel like a long time but it'll be mid Summer for you and you've got plenty of time to make some lovely plans to keep you distracted.

It sounds like it would be a good opportunity for your child and it probably won't be as hard as it seems now.

Original poster
adviceneededplease18 · 22/08/2018 11:51

My child wants to go to the uk. They would prefer not to go at Christmas, but ultimately want to go. Am I unreasonable to ask them to go at another time ? Child too young to fly unaccompanied - nor would I allow that!

OP posts:
Original poster
adviceneededplease18 · 22/08/2018 11:52

@LemonBreeland once was not Christmas, other 2 times were Christmas.

OP posts:
LittleLionMansMummy · 22/08/2018 11:53

I think if you 50/50 parent then that needs to include Christmases and you've had a pretty good deal on that front so far. I'm sorry about your separation from your partner and understand that it's a tough time for you and you don't want to be alone. However, I think that is the nub of the issue and it isn't fair for it to influence doing the right thing by your child. Your child should be allowed to decide, but do so free from any implied or direct coersion from you (and I really mean no offence by that).

SD1978 · 22/08/2018 11:54

Assuming you're in Australia- when else is there a long enough holiday? Would you rather he was taken out of school for three weeks(ish) and go in the UK summer?

SnuggyBuggy · 22/08/2018 11:55

The way I see it is that if the child is willing to go to the UK but not at Christmas then the dad should make the most of that and put the child's needs first rather than stamp his feet and push for the Christmas trip he wants.

LemonBreeland · 22/08/2018 11:56

I think that it is pretty fair to say not Christmas, since that is what your child would prefer.

SD1978 · 22/08/2018 11:57

And sorry- I understand but your split from your partner is Inconsequential. I'm sorry you're upset about your relationship, but it shouldn't have even been a part of your consideration. I'm surprised he hasn't applied through court already with an already 50/50 arrangement. I would.

Nicknacky · 22/08/2018 11:57

I think if the main issue is your son being away at Christmas then you made a mistake saying no the time he asked when it wasn’t Christmas.

It sounds like you will find an excuse every time you eat ex partner asks.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 22/08/2018 11:58

"They would prefer not to go at Christmas, but ultimately want to go"

I think they might be worried about you being alone. Please for their sake put a brave face on and encourage them to go saying you're really excited for them and it'll be a great experience. If after that they'd still prefer not to go at Christmas you can reassess then.

MrsSnootyPants2018 · 22/08/2018 11:58

As patents who seem to patent well together Christmas should be shared. If you lived in the UK to it would be. I think once won't hurt and you can't hold on to you child because of your breakup.

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