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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants to take child home for Christmas!

307 replies

adviceneededplease18 · 22/08/2018 09:45

AIBU to say no?
Child is 10, we live on the other side of the world. Separated when child was weeks old. Generally have pretty amicable relationship, so no court order in place. This year he wants to take child who will be 11 at time of travel home to the uk for Christmas with his now wife for 3/4 weeks. He's asked to take him back 3 times previously and I've always said no. It's too far, it's a special time of year or they are too young. They will spend time mostly holidaying with her family as doesn't have strong bond with his. (But they will see them at some point) Child identifies with her parents as grandparents etc, when they visit. I'm not sure what's best, child wants to go to the UK (first time) but would prefer not to go at Christmas as they've never been away from me on the day itself. No option for holiday at other time this year due to both their work commitments. What should I do?

OP posts:
Leesa65 · 22/08/2018 10:23

Wow , Selfish much

Let your Child go if that's what they want

You have had Christmas with them for 10 YEARS , your ex, none .

RayneDance · 22/08/2018 10:24

Where is the country?

I agree let him go but also agree a whole month is far far too much!

DancingDot · 22/08/2018 10:25

I think the Christmas issue is a bit of a red herring here to be honest. Yes, of course both parents should be able to spend time with their children at Christmas time.

The question here really is about one parent taking a child to the other side of the world for a month. A month is a long time in the life of a child and it would need huge consideration for me to be ok with this.

How does your child feel about being away for 4 weeks. Have they ever been away that long before? Is there a trusted third party who your child is close to who can discuss it with them so they don't feel like they have to tell you want you want to hear.

If they do decide to go how often will you speak with them - how will this happen.

You say you don't have the cost of a flight ticket - one of my major considerations would be "can i get to my child in an emergency?". It may sound melodramatic but what if there was an accident - could I get to the UK to be with my child. One of my conditions would be that my ex leave a credit card or money in an account that could be used in case of an emergency for you to travel over to the UK if required?

Don't shut the idea down entirely - it could be a wonderful experience for your child. But look at all of the ramifications. And if you and your ex are struggling with this consider child inclusive mediation - but do it sooner rather than later.

Willyoujustbequiet · 22/08/2018 10:25

Yanbu

Totally disagree with the comment that the child may be saying they don't want to just to please you. Whats far more likely is that its their actual opinion and they should be listened to.

I understand you dont have a monopoly on Xmas but its far too long as he doesn't want to. His dad's wishes dont trump his.

Far better to reach a compromise. A shorter time sometime over the Christmas holidays. The day itself is far more important to a child than an adult. As it should be.

Raven88 · 22/08/2018 10:27

I would let him but he has to pay for flights.

Your DS has another family who want to have a relationship with him. His father sounds like a good one. I know children who have been completely rejected by their fathers family.

You are being selfish. You have had him every Christmas since he was born.

RandomMess · 22/08/2018 10:28

Fly out with Dad fly back after 2 weeks as accompanies minor or unaccompanied - not sure what the. Term is but where the airline look after them?

ThatFridayFeeling · 22/08/2018 10:28

You've already said no THREE TIMES?! Your DC has 2 parents, not just you. 11 is not too young. Get over yourself and let him go.

IMissGin · 22/08/2018 10:28

Christmas is a red herring- a month away is far too much? Surely they aren’t off school for a month? There’s no way I’d let my child be away longer than 2 weeks.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 22/08/2018 10:30

I don’t think it’s fair to pile on the OP when she’s asking for advice.

OP what does your DS want? Tell him it’s completely up to him and sell it as something exciting.

RomanyRoots · 22/08/2018 10:31

I would say no as it's such a long time to be away from home and at xmas too.

tildaMa · 22/08/2018 10:31

@DancingDot

I think the Christmas issue is a bit of a red herring here to be honest. Yes, of course both parents should be able to spend time with their children at Christmas time.

Actually, at 11yo the trip length issue is much more of a red herring here to be honest. Child deserves to experience their father's countries Christmas celebrations.

The question here really is about one parent taking a child to the other side of the world for a month.

To his home country. Which means it's child's ancestral country, not "other side of the world".

StressedToTheMaxx · 22/08/2018 10:32

I would say yes to 1 or 2 weeks but i think if this is the first time he child has been away and is nervous l, I would say 3 or 4 weeks is too long.

DancingDot · 22/08/2018 10:33

To those telling the OP to get over herself and let the child go -

Would you be happy for your child to be on the other side of the world for a month and you having absolutely no way of reaching them in an emergency?

THIS IS NOT ABOUT CHRISTMAS..... It's about a child being on the opposite side of the world to one of it's parents.

TacoLover · 22/08/2018 10:33

You've had him every single Christmas since he was born(I'm assuming, sorry if this is wrong) and you won't let him go one time because it's a 'special time of year'? Yes obviously it's a special time of year, that's why he wants to have himConfused I don't know why you feel more entitled to it than himHmm

TacoLover · 22/08/2018 10:35

Would you be happy for your child to be on the other side of the world for a month and you having absolutely no way of reaching them in an emergency?

That's exactly what the father has to be happy with for the entire yearConfused

blueskiesandforests · 22/08/2018 10:36

What's the longest your child has been with their dad, away from you, up til now? Are you the default parent or do you genuinely do 50/50?

That's the syncher for me.

Four weeks is a very long time for a ten year old to be on the opposite side of the earth to their primary parent. However if the child regularly spends 2 weeks with dad and spends roughly half their time overall with him he's as much the primary parent as you and it's obviously far less of a big deal to go so far away for so long, than if he's an every other weekend dad who sometimes cancels...

Christmas is irrelevant imo

spanieleyes · 22/08/2018 10:38

My children spent 3-4 weeks with their father at the other side of the world every year for about 5 years. Yes, it was hard but then, I had them for the other 48 weeks and he didn't!

DancingDot · 22/08/2018 10:38

tildaMa The OP has clearly stated that it is literally the other side of the world. It really doesn't matter if it is their "ancestral country" - it is not about the cultural ramifications it is about the distance and both parent's ability to be with their child in a crisis. This is not about Mum v. Dad. But actually about a child's right to have both parents with him if he needs them to be there. Hence my recommendation about a contingency fund. I personally think it would be brilliant opportunity for a child but I would not say yes without consideration.

Wheresthel1ght · 22/08/2018 10:38

Sorry but I think you are being very unreasonable and selfish to say no to the trip.

If your child doesn't want to go for Xmas then they need to discuss that with their father but you are refusing full stop for the trip which is unfair.

You are not the only parent and your child deserves to have time and to experience things with their father

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 22/08/2018 10:39

Ok, it's not clear whether your DS's dad lives in UK or same country as you. If they are in the same country and your child shares a close bond with his dad then you need to let him go. However, if he only sees his dad once a year or so then it's a different story. What is the relationship like between your ex and DS?

LittleLionMansMummy · 22/08/2018 10:39

THIS IS NOT ABOUT CHRISTMAS..... It's about a child being on the opposite side of the world to one of it's parents.

So how do you think dad feels about being on 'the other side of the world' and not seeing his child? Do you see the irony in what you have said?

I agree a month is too long though.

DancingDot · 22/08/2018 10:40

TacoLover The OP has not said that the father lives in the UK - but that he wants to take son home to UK. That is - both Mum, Dad and child have their homes in Aus/NZ?? but Dad is from UK.

Howhot · 22/08/2018 10:41

THIS IS NOT ABOUT CHRISTMAS..... It's about a child being on the opposite side of the world to one of it's parents.

The child already is on the opposite side of the world to one of its parents Hmm

I'd let them go but 2 weeks max. I'm sure they would have an amazing time in another country at Xmas timee and experiencing new things and different traditions. Your DC has "grandparents" over there and family around. They would be fine.

DancingDot · 22/08/2018 10:43

Lion See above. The OP did not say that Dad lives in the UK. He lives in the same country as the child. Dad is choosing to go to UK for a month...as an adult he can make that choice - he can also choose to stay with his son.

blueskiesandforests · 22/08/2018 10:43

I've read this as father (and possibly mother) are originally from one country and emigrated before child's birth.

Did the dad leave the new country and return to country of origin?

I was assuming the holiday is to visit extended family (grandparents) but main players (both parents and 10 year old) all live in the same country.

If the dad left his kid and moved to the other side of the world then they are unlikely to know one another well, and it's on his head.

If mother and child moved to the other side of the world after child's birth then mother needs to be more open to facilitating contact, but fact remains they won't know one another well enough for 4 weeks on the other side of the world from primary parent.

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