Ex wants to take child home for Christmas!

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AIBU to say no?
Child is 10, we live on the other side of the world. Separated when child was weeks old. Generally have pretty amicable relationship, so no court order in place. This year he wants to take child who will be 11 at time of travel home to the uk for Christmas with his now wife for 3/4 weeks. He's asked to take him back 3 times previously and I've always said no. It's too far, it's a special time of year or they are too young. They will spend time mostly holidaying with her family as doesn't have strong bond with his. (But they will see them at some point) Child identifies with her parents as grandparents etc, when they visit. I'm not sure what's best, child wants to go to the UK (first time) but would prefer not to go at Christmas as they've never been away from me on the day itself. No option for holiday at other time this year due to both their work commitments. What should I do?

Or it could probably be that he just doesnt want to go at Christmas .

He's 11. Likely wants to be with his friends over the holidays. He should get the casting vote as its a long tiring trip unaccompanied for a kid.

He's not unaccompanied Willyoujustbequiet, his dad will be with him throughout the journey.

He's 11. Likely wants to be with his friends over the holidays. He should get the casting vote as its a long tiring trip unaccompanied for a kid

What thread are you reading?
He won't be unaccompanied. He has said he wants to go just 'not at Christmas'. That part will most likely be because he knows that the OP doesn't want to be alone. What kid is going to ignore that?

I have an 11 yr old. The idea that she'd rather stay home to hang with her friends than go on a big holiday with her dad made me lol

Yay - MRA party on Mumsnet!

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I too think you should let him go, I appreciate it will be hard for you & I think the fact you've just split from your partner is clouding your judgement on this one-I also think you're affecting your childs decision on this unfortunately.
You state he's never been away from you on Xmas day-does that mean you've had every single one? If so you've been very lucky so far & perhaps now it's time to give something back.

The notion of getting the ex - looooooooong split from the op - to pay for a ticket - even in part - for her to tag along on THEIR holiday is quite frankly the most ridiculous suggestions I’ve seen for a long time.

Even if she could self fund, unless she had plans already, it would be utterly weird to do this.

Yay, a what's-best-for-the-child-who-has-two-loving-equally-involved-parents party

Maybe someone impartial should talk to the child.

Want them to have the memories of a traditional British Christmas, but I've recently split from my partner so much as I don't want to admit it - don't want to be alone

That’s not your child’s burden to bear though, tough as it is for you OP.

I also suspect your child is saying they don’t want to go at Christmas because they know you don’t want them to go which really isn’t fair.

As parents we regularly ask ourselves “who are we doing it for?” before a big decision. If the answer isn’t “my child” then it’s the wrong decision.

Are you in AUS/NZ? Honestly a winter christmas would be pretty special for dc if they haven't experienced it before.

See it as an opportunity for you to do something completely different for Christmas- visit friends/huge adult party/holiday???

Leaving aside what you / the ex want & why, isn't this a great opportunity for your child to really grow as a young person? And isn't that the most important thing?

Let him go OP. Not undermining that it will be hard for you and possibly - but hopefully not- a lonely time for you but children don't exist to keep parents company. It's not his fault if you are lonely on this day and it's not fair that he should miss on having a great time.

Even if sad you'll feel much better knowing that you enabled your ds to have a great time. Loneliness is easy to get over than guilt.

I think it is absolutely outrageous that you've had him every single Christmas.

Now you want another one so you are not alone. Well that seems very fair.

Perhaps OP and her ex live close by and BOTH see the dc every Christmas Day,

Unfortunately it has been me and my child very much against the world and they are very protective of me. So I'll be honest with DC and tell them it will break my heart to watch them go. But I'll leave the decision to them. Ex has given me 2 weeks to decide with DC before flights are booked. We spent last Christmas together as a family and it was really special, I thought that would be the blueprint from now on to be honest, so I'm disappointed. I'm struggling for money so holiday of my own isn't an option. So I guess if they do go, Christmas will be a very somber affair.

Don't lay the guilt on your child! Let them decide what they want but please don't tell them it will break your heart. That's awful parenting!
I wouldn't want mine to go to the other side of the world either but ultimately with 50 50 parenting, comes good and bad times and I think you may have to take this one on the chin.

For goodness sake don’t tell your child it will break your heart! They will feel dreadful going and will resent you for making them stay.

Christmas will be a challenge for you but one you have plenty of time to prepare for it. I don’t mean to sound heartless but there really are worse things.

Considering the fact that your ex could of gone to court and requested to split time ie. Take them to the UK in the many years before I would consider yourself very lucky to be able to have a choice over this at all. Tell your kids to go and that Christmas will be fine because if you guilt them into staying because you are lonely- they will only resent one person and that will be you. I understand it will be difficult but for the sake of your relationship with your DC you should be happy for them

Don't tell them it will break your heart! All that will do is cause trouble down the line. You should tell your child that you will obviously miss them but that you think it will be nice for them to spend Christmas with dad's family in the UK and that if they do go you will make sure you talk loads.

So I'll be honest with DC and tell them it will break my heart to watch them go. But I'll leave the decision to them.

As I suspected then. Your child probably already feels the weight of responsibility for your emotional wellbeing heavily on their shoulders and that's the real reason they've said they don't want to go with their dad at Christmas but would love to go otherwise. It's so unfair of you to lay that kind of emotional baggage on your child.

My face was literally 😮when you said you will tell your children it will break your heart . This is your children. You don’t dump your emotional baggage on them .

A winter Christmas will be magical . At 11 past all the Santa stuff , so a new stage . As you have 50/50 care your dc will feel comfortable with df.

You actually come across very bitter and jealous.

Guilt tripping your own child, that's nice.

Why not tell them yes of course you will miss them but they will have a great time and you will love hearing about all their adventures & their wider family. And you can share the news of your own unusual Christmas!

"So I'll be honest with DC and tell them it will break my heart to watch them go."

What a horrible, foul thing to do!