Ex wants to take child home for Christmas!

[adviceneededplease18]

AIBU to say no?
Child is 10, we live on the other side of the world. Separated when child was weeks old. Generally have pretty amicable relationship, so no court order in place. This year he wants to take child who will be 11 at time of travel home to the uk for Christmas with his now wife for 3/4 weeks. He's asked to take him back 3 times previously and I've always said no. It's too far, it's a special time of year or they are too young. They will spend time mostly holidaying with her family as doesn't have strong bond with his. (But they will see them at some point) Child identifies with her parents as grandparents etc, when they visit. I'm not sure what's best, child wants to go to the UK (first time) but would prefer not to go at Christmas as they've never been away from me on the day itself. No option for holiday at other time this year due to both their work commitments. What should I do?

Ex hit the roof about me suggesting an alternative date. Apparently his wife has promised her family she will be home for Christmas this year (she's not been back the last 2) Basically has told me I've got until the end of the week to come to terms with it, so that he can book flights with my blessing to avoid any animosity. If I say no, he is going without DC - which I think is pretty poor form. I feel he is choosing his wife over his child, it will be so upsetting for DC to know they have chosen to spend Christmas without them. Apparently they cannot possibly be here for Christmas, they wouldn't even consider travelling just after Christmas Day.

Sorry but they are not “choosing” to spend Christmas without his child. You are choosing not to allow your child to spend Christmas with their father. This is going to come back and bite you in the future.

Let it go, OP.

Why shouldn't his wife be able to spend Christmas with her family? I cannot believe your utterly selfish attitude.

I think he needs to go to court to get formal access arrangements. You are being desperarely unreasonable.

I don't blame your ex at all, you have had Christmas Dat with your son for 11 years - he's asked for one, one where he will have the experience of a lifetime.

His wife wants to be home for Christmas and New Year because that's when most people have lots of leave from work.

Your ex is choosing his wife over you not your DS.

You sound worse and worse with each update.

OP are you reading anything at all people say? You are the one choosing for your dc not to have Christmas with his dad. It's 1 christmas out of 11. Just do it.

Your son will hate you one day for this. My df has a parent like you and she's virtually no contact as an adult.

Let your son have a wonderful Christmas with his Dad. Let him know you are excited for him and fully support his decision to go.
You are behaving despicably, are you actually reading any replies? Nobody is agreeing with you, you are repeatedly being told that you are wrong. Please listen and do the right thing.
Your poor son

adviceneeded please step out of yourself for a minute and think about the overall situation . You are an adult and this means that you cannot only look at life from your own perspective. Of course you will miss your DS when he is away and he will miss you but that doesn't mean that he shouldn't go. Your EX is being reasonable and you really are not. This is a great opportunity for DS to see extended family, experience another country and spend time with his father. There is no good reason for sabotaging it.

Surely nobody is this obtuse?

Are you really this selfish?? Read the replies and give yourself a shake!!!

I think a month is too long. My xh last summer took ds 11 to his home country for 4 weeks over the summer. Ds been loads of times so knows everyone and it’s familiar.

It was a disaster - after two weeks he was miserable and missing home terribly and he was crying on the phone most days.

There must be a compromise here (hard, though, given distance and cost).

OP if you continue trying to have everything your own way you will force your ex's hand and he'll get a court order in place.

Then you'll lose twice over - you'll have damaged your relationship with your child's father and his family, and you'll probably have several more lonely Christmases as your ex will be able to have his child on alternate years.

It's your turn to 'take one for the team'. So be the bigger person and accept that you've had a good run up to now.

Turn your energy to planning a nice alternative Christmas for you.

He's not choosing his wife over his child, he wants his child with him on Christmas Day and you're preventing that. What you're complaining about is that he's not prioritising you - and why would he?

I hope for your son's sake you come to your senses by the end of the week. And don't guilt trip your child.

Look OP, it’s very easy for us all here to see that if he goes without DC it is because you and you alone have made that decision. He WANTS to have Xmas with DC for the first time ever.

It will be you and nobody else making the decision that he can’t have DC for the trip.

Remember your DC wants to go to England.
Remember you have had DC every year for Xmas so far.
Remember you admitted it was because you’re scared of being lonely that you don’t want him to go.

Please see this for what it is and let your son go with good grace. Don’t spoil it for him.

I realise it is easier said than done when you feel so strongly but please sit back and reassess.

This is a greater opportunity for your child to experience another culture in another country.
I'd miss my kids too, but as they get older they want to spread their wings and be with their friends. I hardly see my teens and I'm happy for them to be busy with new adventures.
DD was away with friends for the hoilidays, and at some point will want to spend Christmas with her boyfriend.
You have to let go and start getting your life back for your own sake.
Join a few clubs go back to college make new friends, whatever interests you. But your son needs to lead his own life and this starts with parents showing him the way.

Your child needs to go to the U.K.

You come too; or plan something else to do - I've been in Aus at Christmas, it's an incredible place - and don't put any further emotional strain on your child.

It's not their fault that you've just split with your partner; and regardless of that you've monopolised the last ten years anyway. It's time your child learns the other side of their heritage.

If you don't do this now; you're running a serious risk of being one of the parents referred to on the Stately Homes threads. You cannot use your child as an emotional crutch.

YABU. You are also being ridiculous and selfish and putting an obscene strain on your child to prioritise you above themselves. My dcs go to their dads home country (15 hour flight if direct) every 2 years for a month. Of course I miss them but they have a great time and have relationships with their family they wouldn’t have if they had to stay home to keep me company. If I were your ex I’d get a court order to ensure my child could visit family at Christmas rather than be your emotional crutch.

I agree with a PP that I’m starting to smell a rat here - 12 pages of YABU and each update gets worse and worse.

If this is true I really feel for your child and your ex.

Er, no, he has not chosen to spend Christmas without his son - you are preventing your son spending Christmas, for once, with his father because of your own selfishness.

You have a very ironic username, adviceneeded, you posted on here asking for advice and yet you've ignored what we've all said!! Are you listening at all???

Op do you have any outside support?
You can’t rely on your child for emotional support.
You can’t say those things to your child, it’s manipulative and abusive.
It’s not fair to put them in the middle.
Your ex has been very fair to you, don’t ruin things between you.
Do you have friends or family you can speak to about how down you’re feeling?
What about having some counselling?
It’s natural for it to be hard for you. Ofcourse you’re feeling like this! Your ex has gone and your child wants to spend xmas at dads.
You’re going to find it hard!
You can’t make your child feel bad about this though.

For the love of god, don’t spin the “you’ll break my heart” line. That’s awful and not a fair burden to place on a 10 year old.

That aside I don’t think you’re being any more selfish than your ex. Christmas itself will be nice here but January is a bit grim when he’s missing summer holidays at home. If he’s on holiday from school surely “jet lag” won’t matter too much - I’d try and come to a compromise where he goes for a shorter time.

It’s only one Christmas OP - be strong and do the right thing.

Regardless of who is 'selfish', there is a more pressing problem.
Does the child have the same surname as the dad? Will you write a letter to give HIM permission to take him to the UK?
Is the dad on the birth certificate and does he have a copy.
If not, then there will be a whole can of worms at the border check.
Saw lots of harassed families at border checks when coming back from abroad. They had to prove why their kids didn't have the same names and why both parents weren't with the child.
Nightmare!