Ex wants to take child home for Christmas!

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AIBU to say no?
Child is 10, we live on the other side of the world. Separated when child was weeks old. Generally have pretty amicable relationship, so no court order in place. This year he wants to take child who will be 11 at time of travel home to the uk for Christmas with his now wife for 3/4 weeks. He's asked to take him back 3 times previously and I've always said no. It's too far, it's a special time of year or they are too young. They will spend time mostly holidaying with her family as doesn't have strong bond with his. (But they will see them at some point) Child identifies with her parents as grandparents etc, when they visit. I'm not sure what's best, child wants to go to the UK (first time) but would prefer not to go at Christmas as they've never been away from me on the day itself. No option for holiday at other time this year due to both their work commitments. What should I do?

As you 50/50 parent it's unreasonable to say no unless the child doesn't want to go.

It's the only scenario in which it is unreasonable to say no.

If the father had been on the other side of the world to his child every Christmas because he'd fucked off and left the country then I'm baffled why anyone would be sad for him - he would have made his bed.

However he's an equal parent who has always been there for his child and knows him as a parent should. Therefore the child will be absolutely fine with him.

You will miss him but that's not relevant.

I'd get a court order in place before letting him go though, just in case. Nobody ever really 100% knows anybody...

I'm going to guess it's Australia and that's where the 3 or 4 weeks is coming from, genuine question, who will look after child once Xmas is over and everyone is back at school/work?

If the relationship between dad and child is as strong as can be given the distance then I'd let them go. It's not an unusual request. Hard to keep your own feelings out of it.

combat Obviously dad and step mum look after him. They are on holiday with him.

My dn went with her dad to the other side of the world twice at about this age. Away for a month on both occasions. It was a really special experience that has stayed with her all her life and she is still in contact with relatives from over there.

Yes, it's going to be hard for you, but I think in this instance you need to do the brave thing and let your child have that experience.

At 10 I was sent to stay with an old professor in France for 6 weeks. OK, not so far and not at Christmas, but yes, a long time to be away from home. Nevertheless, I kind of enjoyed it, learnt a heck of a lot of stuff from lots of new and strange experiences (nothing bad, just disconcerting!) and I would have sent my own dd likewise, but I don't know any elderly professors in the UK, let alone abroad somewhere!

Can she and her dad sort it out between them? She's certainly old enough to be able to say how she feels and to understand whatever his stance is, and whatever his answers are likely to be to why he wants this at Christmas, and can't do it another time. She's also old enough to decide whether she'd rather go at Christmas or not go at all, if that's what the options are.

She'll probably have a brilliant time if she does go. It's you who will have to suck up the pain! Don't let on though. "I'll miss you of course, but I'llbe fine. You'll have a great time" is the right tack I think.

It's not your decision, it's the child's.

Christmas is irrelevant. It's one day. When you are a separated family you have to make new traditions, and that means Xmas day can be any day you choose that fits with when the kids are with you.

Yes the child might have some hesitations (I have an 11 yr old as well as a step son) but once he is there, he will have a good time and enjoy himself.

Any mother who stops their child because they think it's too much, or any other bullshit reason is just being selfish.

It's fine to not want them to go because you might miss them, but you keep those thoughts to yourself.

Who's old professor Jux ? Just a random one? Did you discover a country where it's always winter when you hid in a wardrobe in the old professor's house?

Let them go. Your child will love the experience of a winter Christmas.
Just be 100% sure that they are planning to come back!
You will probably find friends in Oz who have no family nearby and are happy to do a friends Christmas. You can also do Christmas in July with your DC next year.

You need to let them go op.
Im sorry you’ve split with your partner ( it sucks, are you getting support?) but you can't use your child as security.
They want to go and they should go!
This will be great for them and their relationship with dad and stepmom.
They deserve to get to spend a xmas with them too.
State that you would like facetime/ texts everyday/other dayso you can keep in contact.

You parent 50/50 so there's no reason why his father wouldn't be able to take care of him. Tbh I think it seems evident from your last few posts that you just don't want to be alone. Which isn't nice for you to go through but is very selfish to let this affect the time between your son and his father, sorry.

I'm sure that your ex and his wife will understand how you feel about this, and if you get on with them (which sounds like you do) talking openly about it with them might help.

I think you should let the child go. I know it will be a wrench, but there will be lots of people to make the trip special, Christmas is special already and there will be lots of people to make a fuss over him.

Of course he will miss you, but he's old enough to rationalise that, and if as you say his dad and the wife are great with him, you know he will be safe and looked after.

Your DS will appreciate you trusting HIM enough to let him go, and he will be able to contact you when he's over here.

You have a good deal of time to sort out lots of things for you to do while he's away to keep yourself busy.

My DS is a little older than yours, it's always been him and me against the world, his dad lives few hours flight away and is grade A useless. In fact being useless is the only thing he's consistently able to be successful at. there is no way on earth I would allow DS to fly to him or spend time abroad with him, BUT that is because Ex is only able to think of himself, and has never ever put his DS first, even when given all the info and hints in the world to be able to do so.

(((hug))) i know this must be tough, but I think you ought to let him go.

What would you do if your child didn’t want to come back, suddenly wanted to move in with dad or dad said he was going to fight for custody?

Do you know how hard it is to fight for custody of your child when they are not even in your country of residence ?

You’re brave to admit it’s that you don’t want to be alone but you need to be braver and admit that this is no reason for the child not to go. Find something exciting for yourself and let your child know you’ll be fine without them.

Optimus the dad lives in the same country (Australia) as the mum. If the child doesn't want to come home it's tough shit, just as it would be if he didn't want to go home from Disneyland, he has to, because he will be 11. He can emigrate when he's an adult.

Let him go, you have spent most your Christmases with him and you will spend most of them with him in the future. Maybe compromise down to 3 weeks rather than a month? You don't want him to go for your own reasons not because of your son, he could have the time of his life meeting new family members in a new country. Enjoy the time without him, go see friends, take a holiday. The time will fly by and when your DS is older he will be grateful you let him go visit his dad in the UK rather than stopping him from going

I do agree that just in case the dad decides to give up his life in Australia to kidnap the child who he has 50% care for in Australia it's worth getting a court order before international travel. However given the father has his life set up in Australia and has 50% care there already, it seems highly unlikely that he intends to move them all in with child's stepmother's parents...

Australia and the UK are both Hague convention signatories which also lessens risk.

Isn't it possible to do 3 weeks including New Year? 11 is plenty old enough to travel unaccompanied one way - airlines have an escort programme don;t they?

You're being very selfish op.

My dad took us to visit his family and country several times when we were kids (opposite direction to you). We didn't get to see our relatives often and our dad always made it an adventure, we missed our mum when we thought of her but were often too busy climbing trees, playing on the beach, swimming, etc to think about it (which I do feel guilty about now but kids can be heartless bastards). This was in the days before Skype and facetime so we used to get a couple of crackly 'happy Christmas' phone calls and I'm sure it must have been sad for my mum (especially as she was in the cold, dreary British winter) but she wanted us to know our whole family.
Basically the point of my waffle is that I think you should let your child go. You clearly trust his father and step-mother and I think he'd probably have a lot of fun. He won't be missing school (which we always did) and will be connecting with people. Will he be able to see your family while he's there too?

I understand that you don't want to be on your own at Christmas but honestly think you're being a bit selfish saying no. At 11 he's old enough to be away from you for that length of time. I think you should try and put your DS first.

At 10 I was sent to stay with an old professor in France for 6 weeks

Are you a Pevensey, Jux??

OP, this is more about you than your child, and I think you know that. They want to go, they will have a fabulous time.

If I was in the situation I would consider:

• Letting child go to stay with Dad for 1-2 weeks either side of Christmas so that s/he doesn't miss actual Christmas morning with you if that's what they prefer.

OR

• Asking Ex to part fund your plane ticket so that you can travel with DC (less stressful for him/her) and because DC has expressed wanting to see you on Christmas day (this could be arranged where you stay in a holiday rental and then see DC in the morning on Xmas day or something).

His father has just as much right to spend time with his son as you do. You are being utterly selfish in not allowing it.

So you've said no 10 times.
That might be enough.

Am I unreasonable to ask them to go at another time ?

Yes. You are.
You must know that any reluctance your son is showing about going at Christmas is most likely down to YOU and your selfishness.
I 'get it'. I do. Which is why I suspect you know all this deep down.