Ex wants to take child home for Christmas!

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AIBU to say no?
Child is 10, we live on the other side of the world. Separated when child was weeks old. Generally have pretty amicable relationship, so no court order in place. This year he wants to take child who will be 11 at time of travel home to the uk for Christmas with his now wife for 3/4 weeks. He's asked to take him back 3 times previously and I've always said no. It's too far, it's a special time of year or they are too young. They will spend time mostly holidaying with her family as doesn't have strong bond with his. (But they will see them at some point) Child identifies with her parents as grandparents etc, when they visit. I'm not sure what's best, child wants to go to the UK (first time) but would prefer not to go at Christmas as they've never been away from me on the day itself. No option for holiday at other time this year due to both their work commitments. What should I do?

If you have no court orders, could he take the child and not return him?

Op does the father live in the same country as you or do they live in the UK and fly to you for visits?

What has your son said exactly on what he wants?

I don’t think it’s at all fair to assume the child is saying he wants to stay with mum to appease her, that could be his actual wishes and should not be ignored.

They would love a winter Christmas too....

11 is very young to fly alone half way round the world.....how will it work getting him to uk and home..

Onceupona how on earth do you know what a 10 year old you'd never met would love? For all we know the "winter Christmas" on offer might be a Christmas in dreary grey drizzle in Milton Keynes on their best behaviour in an overcrowded, overheated house which smells of overcooked sprouts. It's unlikely to be Laplandesque....

Personally I'd get a court order in place before allowing anything

Can I just point out, that if it is Australia we are talking about, OP will not need to take him out of school, as their main 6 week school holiday is Dec/Jan.
I can understand OP's nervousness, but sometimes as parents we just have to 'bite on the bullet' and let them go.

11 id say is too young to fly such a long flight on their own

I think it sound really exciting and a great opportunity for your son. I wouldn't ask for the visit to be cut short either - it could be two or three years before he gets the chance to go again and by then he'll be a teenager and will enjoy different things.

And yes its going to be hard for you but I got used to it and actually really enjoyed my child-free Christmases. I did different things like volunteering which opened up new experiences and new social circles for me.

I thi lnk your attitude is what is influencing the child. Let the child soend time with his father at christmas. It sounds like an amazing experience.

What Imissgin says.

A month is too long, but two weeks is a good compromise.

X-posted Dancer. Yes I now see it can be read either way. I don't think we know enough to form an opinion then. It could be that the op and father split custody 50/50 living in the same country, in which case the child should have an equally close relationship with both. But if that's the case, then I'd still struggle not to allow my child a Christmas with his father, even if it is a long way. But I'd compromise on two weeks. Of course it's also possible that they see very little of each other and not close, making it more likely that the child is genuinely reticent to spend Christmas away.

Our Australian relies are coming over this Christmas. 'The kids', who are now in their twenties, have been visiting (with parents) since they were babies. They love a Christmas in England with all it's traditions, especially the food!

Sorry, that was to DancingDot not Dancer.

Two weeks is very short to get over jet lag, long plane ride and doesn’t give much time after the length of travel if it’s Australia to uk. So 3/4 weeks makes sense.
Would it be school summer hols at home?
If so it seems like the best opportunity to do it.

I would go with what the child wants to do but a month would be too long for me. Is there a way he could go for a short period of time just over Christmas? Would he have to take time off school if he stayed the whole month? I assuming he would be leaving a country where it is summer for a whole month of winter. The week of Christmas will be great to spend with family, but the other 3 weeks would be the least best weeks to come to England.

as they've never been away from me on the day itself

So you have had your child for the last ten Christmas' and you have refused your partner to take him to the UK 3/4 times before - is that correct?

If so, you sound utterly selfish. Your poor child being refused to have a chance to bond with half of his family.

And for all those saying a month is too long - many children start boarding school at 11. This is a child, with a parent with them.

Yep, 2 weeks is far too short. I've been to Oz quite a few times, and have never been for less than 4 weeks. 24-30 hours in transit, plus 2/3 days jet lag does not make for a Merry Christmas!

I presume the father is living in aus/nz, unlike a lot of mumsnet he probably cant afford to come back to the uk every year which is probably why they are going for 3-4 weeks,

One parent (unless violence has been involved) should not have a monopoly on their children, my own ds goes to N.I every other Christmas to see his other granny which is only fair

I think the father is owed the next 5 Christmases with him to even out you having been with your child for Christmas for the last 10.

I think YABU with respect to Christmas day but that 3/4 weeks is too long.

Does your DS want to go? If so I'd say yes, but 2 weeks is enough.

YABU

You are making this decision for you, not your child. An 11 yr old child is perfectly capable of a 4 week holiday with only one parent. I find it extremely selfish of you and there is no way your child is NOT picking up on your feelings about it. Of course he won't be honest if he really does want to go. He may resent you though.
I suspect you know this OP so not sure why you're asking.

A month is a long time, but at age 11 should be able to cope fine and will be having a lovely time with family.

Are you saying no for your child? Or for yourself?

I think you should say yes as long as your child will be well looked after an you can FT them etc