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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband doesn't want me to work

196 replies

Fullofregrets33 · 22/08/2018 08:48

Hi everyone aibu to feel completely rubbish about the fact my husband doesn't want me to work?
Background: I worked full time (normal job,not a career) until we had 2 kids.i was made redundant so took the opportunity to be a sahm with young kids. Hubby's career then took off and he works in senior management now.
My youngest starts school this September so I will have no kids at home.id planned to find a job as I will be very lonely and isolated otherwise and also to contribute financially to the family.
The trouble is my husband has become used to not having to give the care of the kids a second thought. He has never had to have time off to look after them and has never done the school run etc.
If I went back to work the kids would have to go into some kind of childcare. We have no family available to help. Husband has said "everyone is going to suffer" if i return to work. Meaning kids will be in childcare over school holidays, we will have to pay a lot of money for the childcare, he will have to take time off to look after them.
He want me to stay at home until they start high school so another 7 years. That's a long time to be alone every day. I have no other sahm friends.
I don't need to go back to work as financially we are OK so I don't want to work evenings or weekends, the whole point of me returning to work is to fill my days whilst kids are at school. If I could find a term time job that would be great but they are like gold dust to find.
I went to bed feeling rubbish last night, feeling as tho I am nothing other than someone's mother

OP posts:
runningkeenster · 22/08/2018 08:50

He's too comfortable and doesn't want things to change.

Well they do change and I don't see why your life is less important than his.

Term time jobs are like gold dust as you say although they do exist but if you don't need the money (though I think all women need their own money regardless of how much their husband earns) what about voluntary work? And could you do some freelance work - you don't say what you did pre-kids.

Bluelady · 22/08/2018 08:51

Being someone's mother is a pretty important role. There are lots of things you could do where you'd meet people that don't involve being paid. Why not check put volunteering opportunities local to you?

Lyricallie · 22/08/2018 08:52

If you’re not that fussed about working and you just want routine and human interaction could you consider volunteering? That way they’re more flexible with when you would come in and you could suggest just doing it term time?

Original poster
Fullofregrets33 · 22/08/2018 08:53

I worked in a call centre so not able to do freelance. Only had that one Job and been out of the workplace for 4 years. I also don't have any skills to become self employed cake making or crafts. I wish I did.
Voluntary seems to be the only thing I can think of but even then I think you have to commit to certain hours etc

OP posts:
Mumof1DS · 22/08/2018 08:55

Volunteer during the day! Many places would be thrilled to have you for term time I'm sure! Reading to the elderly in hospital or nursing home? Taking the teas round? Reading with children in school? CAB? Answering phones for Samaritans/childline etc?
What interests you? The world is your lobster!

If DH objects to that, there are deeper issues at play.

Llanali · 22/08/2018 08:55

I can see both sides here! I appreciate your feelings, but totally see his point. Holidays and poorly kids are a child care nightmare.

Since the money isn’t the issue, why not volunteer? Or study? A subject you want to do out of interest not obligation.

Nevermindhey · 22/08/2018 08:56

What about helping out in a primary school eg reading? If it’s something you enjoy you could consider studying for a TA qualification. Just an idea but it’s the ideal job if you are looking for term time only.

Perhaps think of a longer term plan eg volunteering, studying to get your skills up to date, retrain.

EchidnasPhone · 22/08/2018 08:57

I’m a SAHM to a high earner. Next year my children will all be at school and like you I have always taken main responsibility for the childcare. With the youngest at nursery a couple hours a day I volunteer with adult support. I find it really rewarding and there are loads of charities needing volunteers who provide training & opportunities. It’ll be great for your CV when you do decide to go back to work.

That though isn’t the answer to your husband. He’s an arse who has been spoilt and is kicking back at you wanting to reclaim a bit of your life. What does he think is the compromise? A compromise meaning he has to as well!

GripNeeded · 22/08/2018 08:58

@Fullofregrets33 wow. Tell her husband to Fuck off to the far side of Fuck. How DARE he try and insist you continue to comprise your financial independence and happiness just to facilitate him as The Great Provider?

He's had a very easy ride and doesn't want that to change. You on the other hand are lonely and extremely vulnerable in the event of a split or illness.

Get to work immediately- you'll be setting an excellent example for your DC.

And MAKE him do his share of childcare

Nevermindhey · 22/08/2018 08:58

Local schools here are always looking for midday supervisers. Not a big commitment time wise and it can also be a way in to other roles in the school in time (seen that a lot over the years.)

Mumof1DS · 22/08/2018 08:59

Even if you had to commit to certain hours, say, 10-2 could work for you. I used to work for the CAB and we had a core group of volunteers, but if they couldn't turn in for whatever reason, then so be it. We saw it as a bonus when we had them and didn't rely on them being there. People fit volunteering round all sorts - childcare, studying, caring for elderly parents, job seeking, or just to get out of the house for a bit!

MrsMolehillMountain · 22/08/2018 08:59

I can see his point and yours.
Obviously it's your choice though. I think an idea suggested by a PP saying about becoming a teaching assistant would be really good for you!

Ignoramusgiganticus · 22/08/2018 08:59

Volunteering does seem to be the obvious answer. You never know, it could lead to a job offer around your commitments if they like you and can accommodate those hours. And at least there is something on your CV for 7 years time, when it will be really hard to get a job with an empty CV.

CandidaAlbicans · 22/08/2018 09:00

In 7 years time will the workplace skills you have be obsolete? If so, how about using your free time getting more qualifications?

Original poster
Fullofregrets33 · 22/08/2018 09:00

Thanks for your comments. No he has no problem with me volunteering or education. He understands I want to fill some of my time.
Does anyone know in the UK if there is a volunteering website similar to a jobsite where they are advertised in one place?

OP posts:
Palegreenstars · 22/08/2018 09:00

Everyone is not going to suffer if you work. He sounds a bit lazy.

If you decide not to work, what about studying for a career?

Fatted · 22/08/2018 09:01

Has he not given any consideration to how you would feel not returning to work?! Surely a happy and fulfilled mum is a happy family?!

I'm saying this as I'm in a similar position and just starting full-time after being part time around my family now they're both heading to school. I was miserable having nothing for myself and it was making the whole family miserable. My OH is on board even though we are actually no better off by the time we pay for childcare. He knows my welfare is as important as everyone else's.

If you cannot find something around school hours, then are their hobbies or interests you could fill that time with instead? Things you've always wanted to do but not been able to with the kids in tow? As others have said, volunteering could be a good option.

MatildaTheCat · 22/08/2018 09:01

It’s easy to see both sides of this argument. However as people are pointing out, working as a volunteer is just as rewarding as paid work yet gives much more flexibility.

Honestly, working on Inset days and school holidays is a pain in the tonsils for all of you. DC often make an enormous fuss about attending holiday clubs and there are endless arrangements to make. Your paid holidays are likely to be very short.

Try to make some friends and routine while the DC are at school. Consider joining some classes or groups. If after another year or two you feel the same then revisit the work plan. ( if you have studied and volunteered you will also be much more employable)

AnoukSpirit · 22/08/2018 09:01

Your husband is being a dick.

What about your suffering?

What about your needs?

He didn't purchase you.

You're supposed to be his wife, not his nanny and housekeeper.

He can't ban you from working just because he wants you at home to be his skivvy while he builds his career. He's completely out of order.

Your needs are just as important as his and the children's. How does he propose to meet your needs if he's not going to allow you to work? Or did his pronouncement not go that far?

Incrediblepregable · 22/08/2018 09:02

Am I reading responses from another century?!

OP, you have the right to work, you want to work, you should be supported to work. Would he want to stay at home all the time to look after the kids? No? Then why should you?

I have a part time but year round job (but will be going back full time soon enough) -it’s easier in the summer as only three days to find cover for not five, plus we pay for them to do lots of fun camps etc.

But if you want to go back full time, that is your choice. Spend time talking to other mums or childvarers at the school gate to see how they manage childcare, think about if you need retraining (that might be a good compromise for DH, as you could go to college - my sis did a great higher admin skills course and now has recruiters constantly in touch as good senior PAs like gold dust.

What kind of work would you LIKE to do - or the kind of work, not what hours?

MatildaTheCat · 22/08/2018 09:02

Check out your local authority for volunteering opportunities. They will have lots of information.

TiffinBox · 22/08/2018 09:03

If I were you I'd go back to college, do an access course or similar to widen your career opportunities. It'll also give you time to think about what you want to do and widen your network.

Also, contact a few charities and volunteer as an administrator or similar. This will help you upgrade your skills, keep your cv active and put you in line for any future job opportunities. Charities are more likely to be flexible about hours and homeworking which is ideal for you.

www.ten2two.org

Nevermindhey · 22/08/2018 09:03

My local library has a big folder about volunteering and there is a drop in session once a week or so to find out more. Some of the opportunities look really good eg helping the police.

whattimeislove · 22/08/2018 09:05

If I had my days free I'd quite like to volunteer in a charity shop. Some are so badly organised/laid out that I'm amazed the ever sell anything!

BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 22/08/2018 09:05

Why not do voluntary or something?

We’re all different, I would love to not have to work at all OP! But if you’re unhappy then you need to do something for you. Why I think voluntary would be good is you say you just want something to do and don’t need the money.