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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband doesn't want me to work

196 replies

Fullofregrets33 · 22/08/2018 08:48

Hi everyone aibu to feel completely rubbish about the fact my husband doesn't want me to work?
Background: I worked full time (normal job,not a career) until we had 2 kids.i was made redundant so took the opportunity to be a sahm with young kids. Hubby's career then took off and he works in senior management now.
My youngest starts school this September so I will have no kids at home.id planned to find a job as I will be very lonely and isolated otherwise and also to contribute financially to the family.
The trouble is my husband has become used to not having to give the care of the kids a second thought. He has never had to have time off to look after them and has never done the school run etc.
If I went back to work the kids would have to go into some kind of childcare. We have no family available to help. Husband has said "everyone is going to suffer" if i return to work. Meaning kids will be in childcare over school holidays, we will have to pay a lot of money for the childcare, he will have to take time off to look after them.
He want me to stay at home until they start high school so another 7 years. That's a long time to be alone every day. I have no other sahm friends.
I don't need to go back to work as financially we are OK so I don't want to work evenings or weekends, the whole point of me returning to work is to fill my days whilst kids are at school. If I could find a term time job that would be great but they are like gold dust to find.
I went to bed feeling rubbish last night, feeling as tho I am nothing other than someone's mother

OP posts:
Orchiddingme · 22/08/2018 11:18

I'm just trying to imagine the reverse thread on Dadsnet...

My wife doesn't want me to work

'My wife works in a really demanding job and would rather I stay home til the children are at secondary school as she says it's easier for her that way. What should I do?'

Answers- being at home is lovely, busy, definitely do volunteering, you have to see it from her point of view, this is best for the whole family...

Men don't have to justify working, full stop!

DarlingNikita · 22/08/2018 11:19

Your degree is still HUGELY valuable, even though your skills might need some refreshing.

Do you have any contacts from your studying days? I'd suggest you contact anyone you can think of for advice on what the field looks like now and what you could do to brush up.

You are worth a great deal, OP. I know how confidence can be eroded away, but please, believe this.

ReanimatedSGB · 22/08/2018 11:22

It sounds like the H has got fixed on the idea that, because he earns the wage, he's the boss and the OP is a servant, who shouldn't be getting ideas above her station. He needs disabusing of this. OP, think about what kind of work you would like, possibilities of retraining, if there is any volunteer-type work in that line you could do while you train. Your H doesn't just get to opt out of parenthood because he has a penis. You are a human being with a right to a life of your own, not a domestic applicance.

Strawberryfield12 · 22/08/2018 11:29

I think are right considering going back to work now that DC are in school. However, I think in your place I would first do some education/course, which would allow me to start career of my own.

Have you thought about taking your time to study towards some qualification for now, while your youngest is starting out at the school? There are a fair amount of qualifications you can study from home, online etc. And it would give you additional confidence to go for interviews and you would have something professional related to put on your CV. For example, bookkeeping or accounting qualification? You could start with AAT, once you have that one, the higher level qualifications would give you exemptions on number of papers for having AAT.

Volunteering is all good and you could still do it along with studying, but I would personally consider how to make something for myself. And imagine the hugely positive example you would set for your DC to show them the importance of education, self development and always striving to achieve something in life. You are very fortunate you don't have to do whatever job to pay for the bills, so can dedicate some time for your own future.

Freshstart19 · 22/08/2018 11:32

If I was you I would go back to college or uni while you can and get an education or May be degree? That way childcare won't be much of an issue, especially with you only doing term time.

Also you need a back up if ever things go wrong, so you can have a career just like him.
He had kids also and you can't sacrifice your life to suit his needs. It's that simple.

It's about both of you, not him and him alone.
He's happy in a good career with a full time cook/cleaner/housekeeper and child care on tap at home. Of course he doesn't want that to change. But he's and adult and he will have to suck it up.

Freshstart19 · 22/08/2018 11:36

Sorry just seen your update. A science degree! Wow...
Come on OP, get yourself out there and get some work experience. Get into that area of work and you will have a bright future! Just do it, you are still young!

YouTheCat · 22/08/2018 11:38

Even though you already have a degree, I'd look into some training/education that might put you in a better position to get a job in the future. As others have said, volunteering would be a good idea.

Sushijackiechan · 22/08/2018 11:40

What is your dream job? You have the time to research, reflect then plan. Use your time when kids start school to do that.

If íts just company you want, you could contact a befriending service and visit some elderly people on a voluntary basis.

Your set up just now works for the family, however change is ahead, and as your children become more independent there is no reason not to spread your wings too. Your DH will have to adjust!

IhatetheArchers · 22/08/2018 11:41

A bit of voluntary work to keep the little lady busy; Has the 1950s suddenly had access to the internet?

OP, So if your marriage broke down would your husband still be so enthusiastic about you staying at home whilst he supported you financially?

A lot of voluntary work will be as boring as fuck, only do it if it something you are interested in or care about. Education, still time to apply for a September start.

ReservoirDogs · 22/08/2018 11:44

That is great - when I suggested uni I didn't appreciate you already had a degree. So what it is 12 years ago - they don't expire!

You are hoping for a term time job. Teaching! You can do your pgce and qualify as a teacher and there are plenty of teaching positions out there.

Badtasteflump · 22/08/2018 11:45

And as others have said - you do need to look at the long term. Ok so for now it would be 'useful' for you H if you are at home 'looking after everything'. But then what happens 10 years, 15 years down the line, when your DC can manage without you and you are then left with nobody to be 'looking after' other than you H? That may suit him fine but if you're getting itchy feet now, by then surely it would feel a lot worse - and harder to do anything about.

I may be projecting here but I know a few women - a couple of friends and a family member, whos' spirits seem to have shrunk away after becoming SAHMs, whilst their husbands have flourished Sad. And it is really, really sad.

TatianaLarina · 22/08/2018 11:46

MSc in forensic science or criminology? Work experience in relevant area.

Shouldn’t be a problem to update your orginal degree.

TatianaLarina · 22/08/2018 11:47

FWIW you can get customer service jobs that work from home. Similar to a call centre but they set you up with a phonelone at home.

EvaHarknessRose · 22/08/2018 11:48

‘Why should I suffer, dh?’ Or ‘and when exactly is it my turn to have the career opportunities I have given you, dh?’

I know irl these family decisions and conversations are really hard - I would start by telling him you would like to get some balance back between your roles. That you will be looking for work or roles outside the home, and that you will expect flexibility and support from him. And for him to pick up some of the drudge work more often. Good luck.

sweettutu · 22/08/2018 12:06

like others have said. Teach Assistant. Or a few days a week at the school office if anything comes up.

formerbabe · 22/08/2018 12:11

like others have said. Teach Assistant. Or a few days a week at the school office if anything comes up

These jobs are like gold dust

Tootyfilou · 22/08/2018 12:19

Why should she volunteer?! If the OP wants to work then that is her right! It seems like the patriarchy has done quite a number on many of the responders on this thread.
Many many families have parents who both work, through choice or necessity. People manage, children are not harmed. It is quite possible to be ' a good mum' and have a job.
OP do it for yourself and your children, introduce them to the concept that women can do other things other than childcare and cleaning.

Strawberryfield12 · 22/08/2018 12:21

Holly cow, OP! You already have a science degree!!

You clearly have big potential and shouldn't sacrifice your life and well being to accommodate everyone else around you. Just try to think what job/career you would ideally want and then try to figure out how to arrive there. Building on your degree one way or other seems like a realistic option.

I can sympathise with the impact of loneliness and loss of self confidence what being out of work can have on people. I was out of work for almost 2 years during credit crunch. To add on the insult I didn't have DC at the time, so no "legitimate" excuse to be at home. Studying towards another qualification was godsend - passing exams while others failed was a boost of confidence and to be able to put in CV that I have been studying instead of having blank periods of time of having to put "looking for job" for more than a year was helping to land the job as well.

cakecakecheese · 22/08/2018 12:23

I do think your husband should be doing more to support you as work is clearly something you want to do and it would be possible to find ways around childcare etc. A lot of companies have flexible working these days, I work full time in a role that used to be office based but is now home based.

formerbabe · 22/08/2018 12:23

If you have dc and want to work you either need family support or money to throw at the situation.

Tighnabruaich · 22/08/2018 12:24

You express yourself pretty well - have you considered writing? There's a huge appetite for crime/forensic fiction. You could always just publish it yourself to Kindle if you didn't want to bother with finding a print publisher. It would certainly fill up your time, and make the most of your degree.

hibbledibble · 22/08/2018 12:29

Op, if you want to work, then you have every right to. Sure, childcare with two working parents is tough, but lots of families manage.

With before and after school clubs and holiday playscheme you can definitely make it work. On the plus side, it's also pretty cheap once they are school aged. If the children are sick, then you have a legal right to carer's leave (paid at your employer's discretion)

If you are happy with volunteering or studying instead of paid work, that is fine, but make sure you are doing what makes you happy, and will also allow you to develop your career. Perhaps studying to get into a field you would like to work in would be a good idea?

DontCallMeCharlotte · 22/08/2018 12:49

Quick skim at lunchtime so haven't read thread in detail - so sorry if already been suggested but are either of your DC girls? If so, maybe ask DH how he would feel if his daughter/s ended up being an unwilling maid to a man simply because it would inconvenience him?

(I'm a total hypocrite though, as all I ever wanted when I was growing up was to be a housewife like my Mum - she had a ball!)

seventhgonickname · 22/08/2018 12:49

Would you consider teaching?You should not have much trouble with your degree.This could be interesting,sociable,rewarding and give you a career that is comparable with family life.(Don't pile in here teachers saying how hard it is,we know and appreciate it but there is no arguing that term time jobs are a boon if you have children).
But education is the way to go while you have this opportunity to set yourself up for the future,give you something for you.
And he's wrong about secondary school as filling holidays is harder as there are few clubs that they will be interested in after age11 yet they're too young to leave home alone.

user1487194234 · 22/08/2018 12:50

I would just not be able to put up with that.
I would seriously lose all respect for my DH

I made it clear from the beginning that I wasn't taking on that role.

You are quite far down the line,but its not too late.

Keep talking to him,but from the standpoint that you are going to get a job.

ignore all the people telling you its not fair on the children etc,some people just don't want to work,which is fine for them,but if you do then sort it out

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