Husband doesn't want me to work

[Fullofregrets33]

Hi everyone aibu to feel completely rubbish about the fact my husband doesn't want me to work?
Background: I worked full time (normal job,not a career) until we had 2 kids.i was made redundant so took the opportunity to be a sahm with young kids. Hubby's career then took off and he works in senior management now.
My youngest starts school this September so I will have no kids at home.id planned to find a job as I will be very lonely and isolated otherwise and also to contribute financially to the family.
The trouble is my husband has become used to not having to give the care of the kids a second thought. He has never had to have time off to look after them and has never done the school run etc.
If I went back to work the kids would have to go into some kind of childcare. We have no family available to help. Husband has said "everyone is going to suffer" if i return to work. Meaning kids will be in childcare over school holidays, we will have to pay a lot of money for the childcare, he will have to take time off to look after them.
He want me to stay at home until they start high school so another 7 years. That's a long time to be alone every day. I have no other sahm friends.
I don't need to go back to work as financially we are OK so I don't want to work evenings or weekends, the whole point of me returning to work is to fill my days whilst kids are at school. If I could find a term time job that would be great but they are like gold dust to find.
I went to bed feeling rubbish last night, feeling as tho I am nothing other than someone's mother

Your husband has no right to dictate or make you feel guilty. He had the children too so needs to take some responsibility.
Having said that, call centre work isn’t hugely rewarding and I can see on balance some might feel it’s not worth it. If I were you I’d form a 2yr plan of volunteering and training with the aim to get into more rewarding work in 2-3yrs time. I would NOT leave it another 7 years!

Do you particularly want to be in employment or do you just want to do something to keep you busy? What would be the advantages and disadvantages to both?

Part of this assessment will relate to the following issue. When you say you're ok financially, what does that mean? In particular, how's your future proofing? If you were to find yourself on your own through either divorce or bereavement, would you be worse off because you haven't worked?

I certainly think he's BU to put his convenience, because let's be honest that's what this is about, ahead of your desires for your own life. But still worth looking at various options and thinking about the situation holistically.

I see people have already suggested volunteering, I should’ve read the thread!

He’s guilt tripping you by saying everyone will suffer. You won’t. The children won’t. It will just mean a change to the comfortable routine he’s slipped into, whereby he leaves everything child and home-related to you! Actually if he has to step up and take on more of the child care and home responsibilies it’ll actually be a benefit to your children, seeing that dads can cook a meal, pick up the kids and mum can earn money!

I can see how you’ve slipped into this because you’ve prioritised his career, initially through circumstance (your redundancy) but these things then build so that now he doesn’t see any point in you working. You have a lot of adult life ahead of you ... I would start planning for what you want rather than just servicing the needs of the rest of the family.

There is a website, something like do-it.org

He says everyone will suffer if you work “, but many kids have parents who work and enjoy the social time of afterschool childcare and clubs.
You know you will suffer if you don’t work. As money isn’t the issue could you look at studying/retraining to give yourself more prospects, better choices.

I would use this time to improve your skills and employability - what would you like to do in the future? Are there any access courses or training you can do now?

I'm sorry you feel so badly about the situation you are in but to be honest, (and I'm not sure if anyone would agree with me) but my gut reaction to your post is that I'll swap with you!

I find it very difficult to juggle an intense term time only job with home life and I live with constant guilt that I'm fulfilling neither role as well as I'd like. If my husband could earn enough for me to be a sahm until the DC were in secondary school, I'd hand my notice in tomorrow. As much as I like my job, I'd don't like the constantly daily slog and if I didn't have to work, life would be easier.

It would be very dependent on certain conditions though, like access to money. Our finances are in some ways segregated so I wouldn't give up work unless that was altered to be fairer and I'd need some sort of reassurance that DH wouldn't 100% check out of parenting. Do you have equal access to your DH's finances?

I'd love to go back to uni and either build on the qualifications I've got or study something new. Is this something that would interest you that you could do around school hours? I also like the idea of voluntary work which could fit in around the DC.

I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing not to work but that would entirely depend on the attitude of your DH. If he wants you at home as a control thing then that's obviously not good and you should stand your ground and do what you want to do.

Hey OP, I'm with you. If you want to work, you should. Your husband is not being reasonable. The world doesn't revolve around him, no matter how much his senior job might make him think that. He needs to start pulling weight at home, otherwise his sense of entitlement to personal domestic slave/secretary/servant will continue to grow unchecked. My DH and I are both senior in respective fields, mine is a bit more pressured now, it took a while, but DH learnt to cope. People do. I work in healthcare and see people's worlds suddenly crumble every day. You are being very sensible and he's being an arse if he's making you feel bad about this.

I don’t think the type of work you do is the issue, it’s the fact he said everyone will suffer...but he didn’t include you in that!

Children do not suffer by having a working mum. They have two parents who are there to raise them.

You’ve taken years out of your life to accommodate him and now it’s your turn. Why shouldn’t you go to work when the other option is you being miserable at home?

Even if you started doing volunteer work etc, how would feel about that decision as it would basically be what your husband had decided should happen? Would you be happy with that compromise? Or would you feel like you were sacrificing too much?

If you don’t need to work you can take the time to find something that fits with school hours or find a good childminder to do after school care. Yes there are lots of things you could do, but the point is you shouldn’t really be made to stay at home as your husband thinks it would be inconvenient for you to be at work.

I think it is important for you to get back into work - you haven’t got a pension and are entirely dependent on one wage earner. It is precarious for you.

I think it is important for you to get back into work - you haven’t got a pension and are entirely dependent on one wage earner. It is precarious for you

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You have the chance to set yourself up to do work that is a career - take it! Go back to college, get a qualification to do a job that really excites you. Kids in holiday club etc so you can work in a call centre when you don't need the money as a family is not a good trade-off. DH will still have to step up to the plate if you are studying, mind!

What about using the opportunity to do some higher education. Open university? Would be interesting, make some friends and then you would have some good qualifications to start work at entry level in a field you were really interested in by the time the children were are secondary school. Then you would have time to dedicate to a Career and would be a higher earner by the time they were off to uni, then you can retire on a good pension?

Volunteering might be the way to go if you don't need the money. I volunteer two mornings a week at a local charity shop, term time only. Charity shops are SO desperate for staff that they'll bite your hand off, especially if you're fit, healthy and under the age of 75.

I freelance too, but really enjoy my two mornings a week in the shop.

I think the supposed difficulties of child care are exaggerated. I was widowed and had no choice but to go back to ful time work.
My kids loved the out of school holiday club, as there were enough kids there to make up teams for rounders, loads of play activities like water slides, and plenty of company. Much nicer than just the two of them at home in the garden, getting on each other’s wick!
OP, it’s your life and your choice. If you want to work, then work. It gives you a track record on your cv and some pension contributions, which is a lot more secure than being totally financially dependent on your DH’s goodwill, and having to beg for pocket money like a kid.
Or if you’d rather study or volunteer, then go for those. But don’t let your DH dictate your options to suit his convenience. You’re (I hope!) not a Stepford wife.

I would definitely consider college. It's term time and you would increase your skills and employability. You could train to be anything you want to be! I would love to do that but finances won't allow it 😢

I’m torn. One the one hand I think your DH is a bossy dickhead.

On the other hand I think if he’s happy to pay for you to educate yourself you have a golden opportunity to train for something when kids hit SS.

Volunteering won't contribute towards the bills which is what op also wanted.

Op, thousands upon thousands upon thousands of families have both parents working, yes there are childcare problems etc but you just sort them out between you. If you volunteer he still gets his reasons not to be as involved because he'll say volunteering isn't a proper job or someother shite. So then what are you left with? A moral sense of obligation to the company you are volunteering for (organisations do just let people go if they are not reliable), without pay,and still all the family obligations?

Fuck that.

Time for change op, you want a paid job? Go and get one, tell him it's happening and it's time for him to help out.

If my husband earned enough to support us i would go and do another professional qualification.

If you can't earn enough to cover childcare costs then it's really not right to get a job just to entertain yourself. You are a grown woman, you really should be able to entertain yourself. Either get a job that pays for childcare, get a school hours job/start a business that you can fit around children or, make some friends/volunteer.

Education would work well with the holidays etc personally my problem would be what to do - nothing really inspires me enough to commit to it!

Have you considered temping? It doesn’t necessarily negate the childcare issue but it does give you more flexibility around holidays and I’ve seen people get hours they want when a company wants to keep them permently.

I think, in an ideal world, both parents would work part time and be at home, splitting childcare & cleaning, cooking etc equally. In reality, part time jobs at middle/senior levels aren’t so easy to come by and one partner tends to be the higher earner.

IF we could guarantee relationships wouldn’t breakdown, then having one partner work and one stay home is a reasonable compromise. It does make every everyone's life easier and is more relaxed - as well as enabling the WOHP to focus more on their job and progress more (sadly that’s the reality of life).

HOWEVER, given the number of relationships that do breakdown, I feel the SAHP is made too vulnerable doing this and needs to think carefully about that.

BIGGER HOWEVER...IF both WANT to work, they should be fully supported in that.

In your situation I’d use the time to do some studying or training to get more of a career, something more rewarding and better paid because I, personally, couldn’t stand working in a call centre type of environment.

I understand your DH’s POV, it’s not like he’s stopping you from doing anything at all, he just realises you being home enables him to progress in his job, which brings in a good wage for the family and doesn’t think sacrificing that for a job in a call centre makes sense and i agree with him. It’s not like he’s saying you can’t work at all or volunteer or train for a career.

If I were you, I would take the opportunity to get back into education and train for something rewarding/decent money/you enjoy. With a view to going back to work within a few years. Or I would get a job.

I think women who don't work for years in your situation leave themselves incredibly vulnerable in the event of a split.

I would NOT wait another 7 years to get back into paid work under any circumstances. It could be very difficult, volunteering or not. And will your lazy husband want to do anything with mardy teenagers at that point?

I agree you should be able to work and have some financial independence if you want to and your husband should support you in that.

However if your motivation is social interaction then volunteering is a great and possibly more flexible option.

I volunteer for 3 organisations - a school reading with KS1 kids for an afternoon; a food bank doing a lunchtime shift meeting members of the public, giving out food boxes and pointing them in the direction of other services and offering them support; and a half day shift in an oxfam bookshop.

These give me a far wider range of skills and social interactions than one fairly mundane job would. I love doing each of them. And with notice each of them is flexible enough to allow for school holidays.

It gives my week structure but still allows me time to meet friends, exercise, play tennis and do household admin, shopping etc such that when the family are all together we're able to concentrate on having a good time together.

May sound a bit Stepford Wives or old fashioned but it works for me!!