Husband doesn't want me to work

[Fullofregrets33]

Hi everyone aibu to feel completely rubbish about the fact my husband doesn't want me to work?
Background: I worked full time (normal job,not a career) until we had 2 kids.i was made redundant so took the opportunity to be a sahm with young kids. Hubby's career then took off and he works in senior management now.
My youngest starts school this September so I will have no kids at home.id planned to find a job as I will be very lonely and isolated otherwise and also to contribute financially to the family.
The trouble is my husband has become used to not having to give the care of the kids a second thought. He has never had to have time off to look after them and has never done the school run etc.
If I went back to work the kids would have to go into some kind of childcare. We have no family available to help. Husband has said "everyone is going to suffer" if i return to work. Meaning kids will be in childcare over school holidays, we will have to pay a lot of money for the childcare, he will have to take time off to look after them.
He want me to stay at home until they start high school so another 7 years. That's a long time to be alone every day. I have no other sahm friends.
I don't need to go back to work as financially we are OK so I don't want to work evenings or weekends, the whole point of me returning to work is to fill my days whilst kids are at school. If I could find a term time job that would be great but they are like gold dust to find.
I went to bed feeling rubbish last night, feeling as tho I am nothing other than someone's mother

Lou tee ring.... ??

VOUNTEERING!

Tbf op is not going to walk into a well-paid career is she? She needs to start somewhere eg volunteering, studying or part time. Also she doesn’t know what she wants to do. If she had a burning desire to retrain as a nurse then go for it but she is not in that situation.

I didn’t suggest a dinner lady but a midday supervisor as it’s school hours and a way in to term time work. The job comes with its own responsibilities and I think it’s insulting to look down upon people who do the role.

Volunteer but ask for money which you can put into your own private savings account each month. School holidays, the amount of times you are needed to be at school for half an hour or a child is sick makes it difficult but you need to protect your future.

Ignore my last line. I meant to delete it and it doesn't make sense.

For your own peace of mind for the future, you need your own job and income.

Whether it's death, life-altering injury/illness, or divorce - another income stream and being around other adults will create a buffer for you.

""You will not, IMO, form the same sorts of bonds with your colleagues.""

Forming bonds with colleagues, isn't wanted by everyone, I never got the "we work together, so lets be friends thing", though and if wanted, it is still a matter of luck.

Especially if you do something like call center work and the rest of the Staff are younger. You go back to a job that you once did, as a Mum who is a lot more 'sorted' and emotionally mature and it's annoying.

I think I'd want to work and earn a pension. It sounds like SAHMs/SAHWs don't get spousal maintenance in the event of a divorce, so what happens if my husband leaves me? I'd have half the house and child maintenance but nothing else to show for all the years I sacrificed for bringing up the kids.

All that for what? Making his life easier?

racecardriver Her desire to protect her facial position (if it even exists, not clear from the op that it does given the whole never bothering to have a career before dropping out of the workforce thing) doesn't trump her obligation to make a financial contribution to her household.

I'm confused now. So you would be ok with her getting a job? Because then she can make a financial contribution to the household?

Several things pop into my head.
If you put volunteering and your town name there are websites- some seem to be umbrella eg volunteeringname of county or town, and then local charities, so you should be able to find something that attracts your attention.
More education. I assume you have GCSE English and Maths- if you don't you can usually get them free from the AdultLearning Centres. Otherwise there are other subjects you can do for interest some GCSE/A Level or non exam interest courses. I have done some WEA courses which are quite demanding.
Otherwise do an access to learning course, which you could use for University or other HE courses later.
Finally, even if you don't need the money, claim child benefit so YOU benefit from state pension contributions. Also set up a private pension and ask him to contribute to it! If he complains tell him it is to acknowledge your housekeeper role- he ould have to do it if you were his housekeeper or nanny rather than wife!!!!

“Being a woman doesn't give the right to ignore her finacial responsibility to her family.”

You realise you are saying this to someone who is planning on getting a job... right? Something that will safeguard her ability to go on to other jobs in the future. All things that will allow her to “fulfil her financial obligation to her family”.

Would temping suit you? You can tell the agency when you are, or are not, available for work. A friend whose children were at boarding school did this as it allowed her to have all the long school holidays at home.

Ask him how he'd manage his half of the week with sole care of the DC if you split over this. He's being unreasonable and sounds like he thinks he's in charge of you. Of course he doesn't want things to change, childcare is boring and hard work and he'd have to step up.
I went back to work pt when the DC were very young, they went to nursery, then after school club etc. No harm done, and the costs were the equivalent of my salary (although they'd came out of joint pot). Now teens I am so so glad I did. My pension looks good and I retained my skills and my sanity. Think long term.

If it's not a job so much as wanting to fill your days, what about looking at courses at your local college? If you don't want to do a degree or further education qualifications, you could still do other courses that will give you some skills or knowledge. My mum did interest-courses (eg. walking tours in London, craft courses, cooking etc) at her local college for a few years. You might find something you love that you could turn into a money-earning opportunity from home.

WTAF? Let him stay at home while you work, if he thinks ‘everyone will suffer’ without a parent at home.

Op why is he fine with you volunteering or doing educating but not an actual job?
The only real difference in having a job is that you'd be paid!
It sounds to me as if he wants you to be financially dependent on him

Just me who hates that the little woman should trot off and do some naice volunteering? Low status, high effort, sometimes crappy jobs that in many cases aren't worthwhile enough to pay for? Can't remember the last time a man was told to volunteer to help keep his hand in....

OP - either back to uni/college or find a job, and tell your DH to get his head out of his arse and join the 21st century. If he didn't want to make an effort or change his life when he had kids, he shouldn't have had them.

A term time job is difficult...but they are out there. If you apply for enough, you will get an interview! May not be your first choice of job e.g. dinner lady, but may be a foot in the door for something else.

If it's more than social interaction you're looking for, then are you interested in studying and getting more qualifications? There are lots of things you can do from home and choose your hours - proof reading, counselling, reflexology, some virtual call centre / pa type things but most require qualifications, and might not help with the loneliness. Or even studying for the sake of it, in a subject that interests you, without thinking of a job it leads to. Or brushing up on more general skills like IT, or soft skills like presenting etc so that when you do find work you will have lots of relevant skills if not experience?

I am not sure if there is an umbrella organisation for volunteering. I would just contact charities directly depending on what area you're interested in. As some expecially smaller less organised ones won't have specific roles to fill but will be glad of help. Or contact your local care home etc

Good luck

All these posters saying "oh she could do some volunteering to keep herself busy" and not a single one of them asking "WHAT ABOUT HER PENSION???", "WHAT ABOUT IF HER HUSBAND LEAVES HER ONCE THE CHILDREN ARE GROWN UP???" "WHAT IF HER HUSBAND DIES???" Or do these things never happen?

No, the OP probably isn't going to walk straight into a well paid job. That's why it's a good idea to start now, not when she's in her late 50s.

I'm speaking as someone who did take a lot of time out of their career (disabled child). But we thought about it all the time and did everything to mitigate the hit to my future prospects: husband paid into a pension for me, took out life insurance, paid for me to spend a day a week working at a loss so I could keep my hand in, paid for training. Our attitude was that the family is about everybody's survival and that mine is as important as his or the children's. Not more, but not less.

I know a SAHM that volunteers a lot within her DC’s school. She will go in to read to some of the children, she attends the school trips etc and she’s recently become a lunchtime supervisor so she is paid for watching the DC play for an hour.

Another option could be to train as a TA? Teaching assistant jobs aren’t like ‘gold dust’ at the minute, there’s quite a lot going.

Both of those are good term time options that will fill out your days. Have you considered going to study too? That could be an option.

I would definitely take the opportunity to retrain in something, especially if you could physically go to a college or similar so you could have physical interaction. Good luck with whatever you decide.

If you were only in the workplace for a short period of time I assume you're still very young. So I'd suggest studying with an eye on a future career that will allow you to earn and pay into a pension. Apart from the satisfactions that an interesting job brings, it will give you independence and help you futureproof against any marriage breakdown or hit to the household finances if he loses his job.

I'm speaking as someone who did take a lot of time out of their career (disabled child). But we thought about it all the time and did everything to mitigate the hit to my future prospects: husband paid into a pension for me, took out life insurance, paid for me to spend a day a week working at a loss so I could keep my hand in, paid for training. Our attitude was that the family is about everybody's survival and that mine is as important as his or the children's. Not more, but not less

Well done Cory and husband!

If you can't earn enough to cover childcare costs then it's really not right to get a job just to entertain yourself?
Because child care is always wife work right? It's always her responsibility to fund childcare otherwise it's not worth doing? Got to make sure men get to keep their high flying career and leave anything domestic to them women?

Sounds more like he's worried that a working wife might start asking him to pull his weight around the house and split chores etc and that's far too inconvenient for him.

I think you need to sit down and chat with your dh.
Around 42% of marriages and in divorce.
You absolutely cannot guarantee that you will not be included in that percentage.
What would happen then?
Would your dh be willing to give up half his assets?
Would he still think you should be a full time mum and not work then?
He needs to address these issues.
It's no use saying that won't happen, it does happen.

And when he says "everyone will suffer" he's saying your needs and wants don't count.