Husband doesn't want me to work

[Fullofregrets33]

Hi everyone aibu to feel completely rubbish about the fact my husband doesn't want me to work?
Background: I worked full time (normal job,not a career) until we had 2 kids.i was made redundant so took the opportunity to be a sahm with young kids. Hubby's career then took off and he works in senior management now.
My youngest starts school this September so I will have no kids at home.id planned to find a job as I will be very lonely and isolated otherwise and also to contribute financially to the family.
The trouble is my husband has become used to not having to give the care of the kids a second thought. He has never had to have time off to look after them and has never done the school run etc.
If I went back to work the kids would have to go into some kind of childcare. We have no family available to help. Husband has said "everyone is going to suffer" if i return to work. Meaning kids will be in childcare over school holidays, we will have to pay a lot of money for the childcare, he will have to take time off to look after them.
He want me to stay at home until they start high school so another 7 years. That's a long time to be alone every day. I have no other sahm friends.
I don't need to go back to work as financially we are OK so I don't want to work evenings or weekends, the whole point of me returning to work is to fill my days whilst kids are at school. If I could find a term time job that would be great but they are like gold dust to find.
I went to bed feeling rubbish last night, feeling as tho I am nothing other than someone's mother

Ignore your DH and his wants/needs for a moment. What do YOU want? What would you like to do with your life? You need to decide what you want to be and do, then plan for how to make it happen. Do not shut down your decision-making about your life by hearing his objections in your head.

I'd recommend always keeping up skills and record of paid employment in case something happened and I needed the money/job.

If you can't earn enough to cover childcare costs then it's really not right to get a job just to entertain yourself

No she only has to find a job that covers half the costs to justify it financially. Being one of two parents and all....

You could also consider going to university. I'm a SAHM and full time at uni. Totally doable and you'd be able to get a proper job once you finish.

Have lots of posters on this thread had a bump on the head this morning?!

Suggesting @Fullofregrets33 volunteers or does a dinner lady or similar?! She's married to a man who doesn't respect her right to work and wants a servant. It is critical she re-builds her financial independence.

everyone will suffer

but isn't the whole point of this that you want to stop you suffering?

So he has very clearly stated that your needs are not taken into account when assessing the levels of "suffering" in your household.

He is totally and utterly subordinating your needs and wants. TOTALLY.

Awful stuff.

@Fullofregrets33 I ha s many friends who started by volunteering in primary schools. This then lead to them being offered training opportunities and they eventually moved into term time roles.

Since money is not your motivation here, perhaps this is something you could look into?

I also firmly think that your DH should support you in your goals as you’ve previously supported him in his.

@cornettinninja no actually. Her DH is earning enough to render her working redundant. She's asking for her DH to pay to entertain her. She's not a child.

I am all for women being SAHMs - til their youngest is 18 if they want - or beyond! But what doesn't sit well with me is the DH trying to shut the OP down, and tell her she cannot go back to work as 'everyone will suffer.' That sounds like a red flag to me!

OP, can you not just get a part time job - like 16 hours a week??? School time? Is that an option?

@Racecardriver - you are a moron. OP getting a Job would be protecting her financial independence and mental health - not entertaining her.

What a nasty, woman hating thing to say.

""I think it is important for you to get back into work - you haven’t got a pension and are entirely dependent on one wage earner. It is precarious for you""

A good Voluntary role can do more for your CV than a job similar to call center work. There is voluntary call center roles, if that's what would interest you. OP do you get CB, so your NI Contributions are being paid, or are you linked to your DH's pension, named on in-death payouts. Wills sorted etc?

""Volunteering won't contribute towards the bills which is what op also wanted.""

OP, if your DH values your contribution to the Family, then think about what it is you need form working. If the money that you earn won't make that much of a difference and your DH values your contribution above bringing money in then think about your interests and volunteer for a while.

It might lead you to want to study, or volunteer in a role that will lead to a qualification and on another job path.

Would it be worth you talking to a careers adviser for some advice? Then maybe study and give yourself interesting options for your future.

Part-time work if you can find it would get you out of the house and give you a wage. It can be a good compromise if you find something you like and you hopefully won't have that constant feeling that you're not pulling your weight either domestically or work-wise.

Of course he doesn't want the situation to change - I would love to have a husband who did all the childcare and all the housework and left me to concentrate on developing my career as if I were a single person with no responsibilities!

Normally, I think decisions like this should be made as a family, but you've compromised and sacrificed enough. You've changed your entire life since you had kids. What's he changed?

Have a think about what you actually want to do with your life OP. You have an opportunity to retrain. Or to get some very low paid experience in something. Or you could develop a hobby (arts/craft). What is it you actually want to do?

I would also mention support for the idea of becoming financially independent and having a pension of your own. Not that we think you're going to split up with your DH, but there are plenty of cautionary tales on MN about SAHMs who get dropped in it out of the blue by their supposedly 'dear' husbands.

Racecardriver

If you can't earn enough to cover childcare costs then it's really not right to get a job just to entertain yourself

Half the childcare costs. The dc have two parents.

@gripneed no you are. Her desire to protect her facial position (if it even exists, not clear from the op that it does given the whole never bothering to have a career before dropping out of the workforce thing) doesn't trump her obligation to make a finacial contribution to her household. At the moment she is doing this by doing the childcare. It's not fair to just not do it because she's scared of being bored (it's not like she's going to earn enough or work towards earning enough to compensate by the sounds of it). As for nebtal health, if she can't cope mentally without a job to keep her busy then she has bigger problems than not having a job. I would say exactly the same to a man. Being a woman doesn't give the right to ignore her finacial responsibility to her family.

Have lots of posters on this thread had a bump on the head this morning?!

It's a shame that the OP states that she wants to go back to work, "to contribute to the Family", because she already is. That is always completely overlooked by many posters on MN.

If her DH wasn't appreciating what she does, then I would say that she should get paid work, so he has a wake up call. But he values what she does.

She doesn't want to feel isolated or lonely. She isn't starting down a career path, she is looking at getting a job. She would get more out of a good Volunteering role, than a call center job, with none of the issues that a working Parent faces and none of the bullshit in work.

Quite surprised at the answers here.
Volunteering is not like work. You will not, IMO, form the same sorts of bonds with your colleagues. I don’t think you will be seen as “the same” as the rest of the staff if you are only there a few hours a day.
If money is no object then surely that’s a reason to simply throw money at the childcare problem. Even if the equivalent of 100% of your wage* is going on childcare, so what? The family will be no worse off financially, but you will be happier and your prospects for the future will be much better.
I think your husband is either very naive or being disingenuous if he thinks it’ll be that easy for you to step into paid employment in 6 years time when you have been out of the workforce for 10 years.
OP, take that job. Do it and don’t think twice.

*I say “the equivalent” because OP you should not be paying for the childcare from your pay alone. You should imo be putting as much of it aside for yourself as possible. Normally I am an advocate for shared finances but by the sounds of it your situation is worryingly unequal and I worry about you, the unpaid SAHM, vs your husband the senior manager. Protect yourself and your future OP.

The first line should have been in ""...."".

I second the responses suggesting going to uni. Even if you don't have A levels (you haven't mentioned your level of qualification) you can find access courses to allow you to go on to study for a degree.

If you start now while they are in primary education by the time they reach High School you will have a degree.

It is never too late to educate!

I have friends with kids going off to uni who have been to uni themselves then in a variety of areas - social work, biomedical, psychology, midwifery.

Go for it.

I would beware of considering retraining as if it's that easy to walk into a job once you have the qualifications. You'd be up against people who have the qualifications AND the experience or even just more experience which in many jobs is more desirable than just the qualification.

I've come across many a candidate surprised that they haven't been offered an interview based on their qualification, but when they have applied alongside experienced people too it is a bit of a no brainer.

Also you will get student finance .

Lou tee ring is a good idea. It can often give you new skills and be an opening to something paid.

But look at finding something social to do too so you get to know people.

Also, PTAs are desperate for help and joining that is a good way to get to know the parents at school.

And if something turns up that you want to do, go for it and ignore your husband.

I am always uncomfortable when people have put all their eggs in one basket and are a SAHP. We read too often on here about women trapped in later life because they have not worked for many years and now can't make a break because they are financially dependent on their OH, or lack confidence and experience in the workplace.

Not even considering the lack of contributions to a personal pension in years to come and therefore dependency on the OH for life.

If you can cope financially without your salary, I don't see an issue with working at minimum part time and sucking up the cost of child care in the holidays.

At the very least I would do an Access course like TiffinBox says, which opens up the opportunity to go to university should you so wish.

No way, would I every SAH because my DH said I should to ensure he has to take no part in childcare, has unconditional support for his career goals and his dinner was on the table

The year after you could do a degree, so worse case scenario

Racecardriver no actually. Her DH is earning enough to render her working redundant. She's asking for her DH to pay to entertain her. She's not a child.

What? My husband and I both work. I earn enough that he doesn't have to, and he was a SAHD for a year with DD1. I find it really insulting that you think I'm paying to entertain my husband!

His work brings in about £40k a year. He really enjoys it, just as I enjoy my job, and we both have our financial independence should we need it. How patronising that you think it's a little luxury that keeps him entertained.

This is why women used to have to give up their jobs when they got married - women were only working for pin money anyway, weren't they? Afterall, who would work when they have A Man to support them and children to raise?

No, the OP is not a child. She's an adult woman who has her own life to lead. Or do you think she's past it now that she's had children? I find that'a quite a common opinion - once a woman has kids, her aspirations and desires for life no longer matter.