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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband doesn't want me to work

196 replies

Fullofregrets33 · 22/08/2018 08:48

Hi everyone aibu to feel completely rubbish about the fact my husband doesn't want me to work?
Background: I worked full time (normal job,not a career) until we had 2 kids.i was made redundant so took the opportunity to be a sahm with young kids. Hubby's career then took off and he works in senior management now.
My youngest starts school this September so I will have no kids at home.id planned to find a job as I will be very lonely and isolated otherwise and also to contribute financially to the family.
The trouble is my husband has become used to not having to give the care of the kids a second thought. He has never had to have time off to look after them and has never done the school run etc.
If I went back to work the kids would have to go into some kind of childcare. We have no family available to help. Husband has said "everyone is going to suffer" if i return to work. Meaning kids will be in childcare over school holidays, we will have to pay a lot of money for the childcare, he will have to take time off to look after them.
He want me to stay at home until they start high school so another 7 years. That's a long time to be alone every day. I have no other sahm friends.
I don't need to go back to work as financially we are OK so I don't want to work evenings or weekends, the whole point of me returning to work is to fill my days whilst kids are at school. If I could find a term time job that would be great but they are like gold dust to find.
I went to bed feeling rubbish last night, feeling as tho I am nothing other than someone's mother

OP posts:
SpandexTutu · 22/08/2018 10:37

ScienceIsTruth - it's not too late for you!
Please don't give up.

Notquitegrownup2 · 22/08/2018 10:39

Volunteering is great, as is eductation/retraining. However, I would see it as a short-term thing - 2 years to build up skills/friends/confidence? If something happened to your dh, and you had to support your children, having some workplace skills and experience is essential. And then your kids would be 7+ and much more resilient.

Another compromise is part-time work. We are also fortunate that my dh is a high enough earner to allow me to work minimum hours if needs be but I have always wanted to work. IME working 3 days a week meant that I had to take minimum time off work when the kids were ill - they could often battle through for a day or two, then be ill on my days off! It also meant that I had 2 days at home which I could use for other jobs/sports days/hospital trips and not feel overwhelmed by life.

If you have a spare room, is an au pair a possibility in future to give you more choices too?

Original poster
Fullofregrets33 · 22/08/2018 10:40

Thank you everyone for commenting with your different views and opinions. I have read them all.
Abit more info.... We've been together 17 years, we are mid 30s, own our home no mortgage, I went to university, got a criminology and forensic science degree. Worked at the call centre along side that and then had my children so the time was never right to go into that field. Now my degree is 12 years old and I have no work experience in that area I don't see that I could get a job in that sector.

Since being at home I have felt very isolated and lost all self confidence. Continuing with this way of life is not going to be good for my mental health so I need to do something.

With regards to protecting myself for the future, I own my home myself and will also receive another property in inheritance. I'm kind of relying on that

OP posts:
arranfan · 22/08/2018 10:41

Continuing with this way of life is not going to be good for my mental health so I need to do something.

I'm so pleased to see you write the above - future-proofing your life includes looking out for your mental health.

Good Luck, OP.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 22/08/2018 10:46

You’ve got a science degree! I’m sure someone here can suggest a good course for you to either update your skills or to get a new career path going. It sounds like you need a good confidence boost but I’m sure you are capable of doing whatever you choose.

BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 22/08/2018 10:49

Could you do a masters degree OP?

arranfan · 22/08/2018 10:49

You’ve got a science degree!

tbh, I was thinking that if OP had any interest at all in education, she'd be in demand as a trainee teacher or tutor on an Access course.

Everyoneiswingingit · 22/08/2018 10:52

I'm a Teaching Assistant. Since my DC started at school I have done this. We didn't really need the money, I work school hours and get all the holidays off. It's very rewarding but enables me to be the mum I wanted to be.

However, if you want to get back to a career, your DH should support you, they are his DC too!!

Everyoneiswingingit · 22/08/2018 10:53

Teaching? You have a degree, could you do a year's teacher training?

dundee12 · 22/08/2018 10:53

If you can't earn enough to cover childcare costs then it's really not right to get a job just to entertain yourself

That’s BS, work isn’t necessarily just a financial need. After DC1 I had to give up my career & after 14 months took a 2 day per week job. Yes childcare was more expensive than my wage, but so what. I liked the job, met great people & learnt lots. I now earn almost double 2 years on in a different role.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 22/08/2018 10:55

Could you get a job as a lab technician in a school? It might mean doing a refresher course but I think your degree would be relevant.

Jaxhog · 22/08/2018 10:58

So if you work, everyone will suffer apart from you. If you don't work, no-one suffers apart from you. Rather selfish of him really.

If finances aren't a problem, consider finding a volunteer job. As already suggested, ideally something that is flexible but stores up good experience for future paid working.

Or just tell your DH to stop being a dick and that you'd like a life too.

Polly2345 · 22/08/2018 10:59

Ah, okay. So you have a degree already.

There's often temp work available in science jobs where I live. Might that be a way back in? Maybe talk to a temping agency about your background and see what they suggest. They might often deal with SAHMs returning to work.

I also know plenty of people in science who work part time to accommodate childcare. Three days a week is common.

ComeOnGordon · 22/08/2018 11:00

I gave up my career to be a SAHM and have only worked very part time (in a different job) since. My H didn’t want me to return to my career as he also enjoyed the luxury of a wife at home who was always there for him and the kids.

In return he had an affair with a colleague and we are now separated. I’m now struggling to get back into my career since I haven’t done it in 9 years and I’ve lost confidence.

Be very very careful about allowing your DH to stop you working - it leaves you in a very vulnerable position.

Brambleboo · 22/08/2018 11:00

I know of someone who did call centre work from home, OP, so it could be something to look into.

HollowTalk · 22/08/2018 11:01

If you could do any job in the world, what would it be?

JessBradleyTheBusStopWanker · 22/08/2018 11:03

Honestly, Op. You need to take this chance firmly in hand. You say that you have never had anything other than call centre work so why not take this chance to do a degree and increase your employability ( and safe guard your future) for when your children are older? most courses , even full time, are just 1-2 days at uni and the rest from home. You can get help with child care ( breakfast/afterschool club etc) and if I was you I would fighting for that compromise.

Gaining a BA and a masters has been the best thing ever for my self confidence. I am doing a level 6 science course this year for fun, and hopefully starting a PhD next year. I am a stay at home mum but mainly as im a carer for my autistic son ( and younger kids) but my qualifications will be brilliant when I finally get my son self sufficient and can go to work!

Alternatively, get a degree with the OU. I did my last year of study with them and found I prefer it to bricks and mortar! It isnt too late, you will still be able to enrol on a course for this October and need no qualifications to start a degree ( although they also do access courses).

Badtasteflump · 22/08/2018 11:05

Being someone's mother is a pretty important role

And? So is being someone's father, but men don't get berated for wanting to have a work life too.

Some of the replies on this thread are ridiculous (not just the one above).

OP you have a science degree - I'm sure with a bit of training to bring you up to date you could have a career you'd love - as others have said, if you want it to be school hours, you could take a teaching qualification, or even work as a technician.

Orchiddingme · 22/08/2018 11:06

I am absolutely astonished by the replies at the beginning of this thread.

Sacrifice your own mental health, wellbeing, sociability, finances, pension, so you can potter about doing voluntary work whilst he reaps the benefits of being in senior management without doing almost any childcare or housework?

Where do I sign up?!

Polly2345 · 22/08/2018 11:07

If you can't earn enough to cover childcare costs then it's really not right to get a job just to entertain yourself

Not true. If you can cope with your overall income (DH salary + your salary - childcare) and you want to work then go for it. People who go back to work sooner after kids often find that five or ten years down the line they're earning far more than those who didn't go back until their kids where much older because all their salary would have gone on childcare. It's often short term loss for long term gain.

Badtasteflump · 22/08/2018 11:07

And actually - even if you get a job that doesn't fit around school, surely that's ok if you can afford childcare? Assuming from your posts that you can...

formerbabe · 22/08/2018 11:08

Unless you have a term time only job, it's actually really hard to work work if you have school age dc and no family support. School holidays take up 14 weeks of the year...then you have inset days, sick days, strikes, appointments, school events to attend like assemblies, sports day etc. I'm a sahm of school age dc and honestly the day goes so quickly...I'm not bored at all!

JessBradleyTheBusStopWanker · 22/08/2018 11:11

OP, I just saw that you have a degree, the perfect solution for you is to do a masters. It doesnt have to be in the exact same area, plenty of places will accept you onto other courses now the MA loans have come in. You could even do a one year law or psychology conversion but they are quite demanding so may be better off part time instead of full time. You can also volunteer to work with troubled children in care ( or even get paid for it, they are desperate) to add actual relevant experience to your CV. Then in two years you are in a much better, much stronger position.

Badtasteflump · 22/08/2018 11:14

I'm a sahm of school age dc and honestly the day goes so quickly...I'm not bored at all!

But presumably the OP is. Everybody is different. Some people enjoy being a SAHM, some don't. If it works for you that's fine, but if OP wants to work, her DH should be supporting her decision, not putting obstacles in her way. I was a SAHM for a while and it did me no good at all, in all sorts of ways.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 22/08/2018 11:16

I am absolutely astonished by the replies at the beginning of this thread

Me too!

You have as much right to a career as he does. Given the freedom you have I would personally be looking at what I actually want to do with my life and start planning. Do some training or education or whatever it takes. Don't volunteer. There's nothing wrong with volunteering but it sounds to me like you are crying out for a career.

You have every right to be happy. Your husband has no right to tell you how to live your life. Would it be ok for you to tell him to quit his job and be a sahd?

Your children wont suffer in breakfast and after school club and holiday clubs are great fun. It's hardly suffering to arrange for them to have extra time doing fun activities and playing with their friends. Tjey will also benefit from watching their female role model achieve success in a career and financial independence.