Husband doesn't want me to work

[Fullofregrets33]

Hi everyone aibu to feel completely rubbish about the fact my husband doesn't want me to work?
Background: I worked full time (normal job,not a career) until we had 2 kids.i was made redundant so took the opportunity to be a sahm with young kids. Hubby's career then took off and he works in senior management now.
My youngest starts school this September so I will have no kids at home.id planned to find a job as I will be very lonely and isolated otherwise and also to contribute financially to the family.
The trouble is my husband has become used to not having to give the care of the kids a second thought. He has never had to have time off to look after them and has never done the school run etc.
If I went back to work the kids would have to go into some kind of childcare. We have no family available to help. Husband has said "everyone is going to suffer" if i return to work. Meaning kids will be in childcare over school holidays, we will have to pay a lot of money for the childcare, he will have to take time off to look after them.
He want me to stay at home until they start high school so another 7 years. That's a long time to be alone every day. I have no other sahm friends.
I don't need to go back to work as financially we are OK so I don't want to work evenings or weekends, the whole point of me returning to work is to fill my days whilst kids are at school. If I could find a term time job that would be great but they are like gold dust to find.
I went to bed feeling rubbish last night, feeling as tho I am nothing other than someone's mother

Fuck me! This thread us full of outdated misogynistic crap!

Racecar - in particular the idea that only the woman is responsible for providing/paying for childcare! They're his kids too! If op goes back to work (which she is ABSOLUTELY entitled to do) then she is only responsible for half the childcare costs.

Op - you are very vulnerable if dh leaves, becomes sick/disabled, or dies.

The longer you're out of work the harder it is to get back in to it. The harsh truth is most employers don't think particularly well of women who haven't gone back to work once children are primary school age. They question your commitment and think you'll find it a bigger adjustment than for those who haven't had a break or who've had a shorter one.

You'd not be ruining ANYONE's lives! What he means is he's panicking HE will actually have to finally step up and BE a FATHER! He's clearly had it FAR too easy to this point!

If YOU want to you could look into training/extending your education initially but there's absolutely no reason why you can't go back to work. Millions of families have 2 working parents and it works just fine.

Does your husband do any parenting or housework?

In terms of working as a lab tech, remember colleges and uni's also use them. Uni's tend to advertise their jobs on their own sites rather than elsewhere as they tend to try and employ alumni/those already known to the uni (even though that's illegal) so look on college and uni sites for jobs.

But doing your pgce and training as a teacher also an excellent idea - most places are crying out for science teachers!

Please don’t rely on inheriting a property. If you ever have to find care fees for your parents (and you most likely will) you will see your inheritance disappear.

Your husband is not the boss of you.

I would take some time to think about what you want to do next. I think it's great for kids to have SAHP if it suits everyone, but if you're in your 30s there are a lot of years ahead of you and I wouldn't want to be doing nothing all that time.

Where do you want to be this time next year? In five years? In 10 years? etc.
If you want to be working it's better to get back sooner rather than later, and you can use the next couple of years for a MSc or different qualification. Or you can volunteer/be a dinner lady if that's what you decide is best for you. But it's not your husband's decision to make.

Kids are fine with two working parents, and your husband needs to remember he's also their parent, and that he's your partner, not your boss.

Good luck, with a science degree the world is your oyster!

Why do people keep suggesting teaching? Good, experienced teachers are leaving in droves.

That aside, Fullofregrets it would have been massively helpful to include in your OP the fact that you have a science degree already 🙄

...no wonder you’re ‘full of regrets’.

Think about what you WANT to do. You’re young, you have YEARS ahead of you in the work force. Decide on a CAREER you really want, then investigate what’s required to get into it and get on with doing that.

I’d probably focus on training/upskilling for a year or so, so I could be home after school as often as possible, fir the first year or so. BUT if a fab opportunity came up that meant I couldn’t be, I’d certainly give it due consideration.

You have a good degree, you want to work...do not let your DH put you off. You have every right to develop your own career.

Annie, I think it's partly at least because the hours might fit in with the OP's own children.

You could sign up with some temping agencies. You could work evenings or weekends when your DH is home. Or find a full time job. Did you not discuss going back to work before children ? You are quite vulnerable with no income of your own

In your shoes I would research potential careers and do some volunteering before then studying/training in your chosen field. That should take you 7 years and will provide opportunities to meet new friends. It’ll be a 100 times more satisfying than working in a dead end job and will hopefully provide you with real career opportunities. Really you’re lucky and if you see this for the opportunity it is you have a chance to make a pretty amazing life for yourself.

I can understand why you feel the way you do OP. I didn't go back to work when mine started school and while I enjoy it in the main there are days when I get a bit bored.

If you went back to work would he take days off to look after the dc in the holidays or when they are poorly or even when school rings to say one of them has been sick and needs collecting? Would he do his share of the housework, cooking and running the dc to clubs etc?

Re: teaching- I’ve no doubt you’d be welcomed with open arms with a science degree, but don’t go into it as a default,
Simply because it’ll fit for school holidays. I’m in a managerial position in the educational field and I remember those early years, PGCE, then your first year as a teacher (probationary year it used to be called) It’s a really tough gig and you need the passion not just to deliver your subject but also to manage 30 or more teenagers with varying levels of ability and need plus fill in endless paperwork, monitor progress etc etc After the first few years you learn to streamline things better, you build up ideas and resources and it does get easier but it’s still full on. Far harder than the role I do now.

And while the holidays are a bonus while your kids are school age, you may well need more wraparound care during term time than a lot of other jobs because the days are long. Eg my kids were often the first to be dropped at nursery and the last to be picked up because you need to be in work well before 8am to be set up and ready to start your day. In the early years of my career I easily did 2-3 hours after the end of the school day, so you either have the option of staying in school so your kids are in childcare longer, or picking them up but then having to do all your marking and prep after they’re in bed.

I’m not wanting to put you off if you are genuinely interested. Teaching can be the best job in the world if you’re passionate about it, but it’s one of the worst if you’re not, because you give everything to it.

Best of luck anyway. You have lots to think about, as well as a husband to educate!

Another perspective here. I agree entirely about having independence etc but you've not worked for a few years, his job is what finances everyone's lives and it is very different working with dc's and two working parents to having one sahp.

Ds likes kids club at school so I don't see wraparound care as a terrible thing but it would be a huge change (one which his employers may not be happy with or accommodate) if your DH has to start picking up/dropping off/having time off of dc's are ill. Also if he travels with work that adds an extra dynamic which can be difficult.

It would seem counterintuitive for his job to be adversely affected if he earns a lot more than you could as well.

Agree try with volunteering first of all.

I say all of this as a lp who works as a solicitor. Every time I have to go out of the city where we live I have to figure out if/how childcare is affected/if I need to involve someone else. It is really hard. I am rarely able to stay late just to get sthg finished or go in early.

There isn't an obvious answer and tbh your financial independence is long gone now so I would look at volunteering either a local charity or in school and/or join the pta as well. What do you find interesting? Surely that's the place to start? Everyone is grateful for an extra pair of hands so give it a go xx

Now's the ideal time to get some training. Book yourself on a course once you know what career you'd like. A career which lends itself to freelance or term time work would be best as you have years agead of you to cope with school holidays etc.

Everyone will suffer?? NO! HE will suffer and he prefers that YOU suffer! Fuck that!

Have some self respect and stand up for yourself. Although he does sound like an arsehole which means you getting some independence and a chance at satisfaction/life outside the home will likely cause your marriage to implode. Men like him only want you around because it’s convenient for them.

your financial independence is long gone now

All the more reason for her to build it back up again.

"tbh your financial independence is long gone now"

What on earth is this supposed to mean? The OP is the mother of young children so presumably has another 20 or even 30 years of potential working life before her. Plenty of time to kick-start that career.

And why is it counterintuitive to think of her career now if that would benefit her mental wellbeing give added security to the family longterm (after all, people do lose well-paid job so often better not to put all eggs in one basket), help to build up her pension, not to mention the fact that she already has a well-regarded degree to prove herself by?

OP, I also have a BSC(Hons) but in Biochemistry and Physiology. My degree is now 20yrs out of date so, as my dh says, it's worthless. Don't become me. You still have youth on your side, go for it whilst you still can.

I haven't seen a soul today, and that's a pretty normal thing for me. Today my dh is still at work (left the house at 7am), and my dc are teens so they're out staying with friends.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that your dc will outgrow you, and not need you so much, and if you don't work it can be a very lonely existence, especially if your dh works long hours.

I'm sorry that I don't have any good advice on how to proceed, but I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do.

If financially your husband is ‘what’s mine is yours’ and he’s happy for you to do something I would jump at the chance for further study to get me employed in something I really wanted to do.
I would make it clear to my husband that the children would not suffer from childcare etc and you do not want to hear that argument again. He needs to be very aware that if you are miserable due to his selfish attitude, then he will most certainly suffer for it. He needs to roughly know how to parent no matter what so if something happened you don’t think your children would be better off with social services. I couldn’t be happy in a relationship if my dh couldn’t handle the dc from cooking dinner and feeding them to bath and bed. If he doesn’t he needs to start on weekends as it is highly unlikely you hold off working for another 6 years. He doesn’t get family life all on his terms, you are an equal partner in decisions.

If you want a term time job then start getting involved in school, volunteer, join the PTA, be a class rep. Anything you can. Getting yourself known really helps. Only if you're interested in working in school though obviously.

Do a mook (online qualification) or Open University vocational degree
leading to a fab job!

I also recommend volunteering, and there are plenty of possibilities. If you go down this road, choose something that you really want to do, maybe something that will give you experience in a field where you could in time find paid work? Whatever you choose needs to be right for you.

I work for a Christian charity which offers training to Central Asian women in women's issues so that they can build refuges, women's projects in their own country. The lady running it is one of my best friends, so that's an added bonus.

In my case, though, I have my own money so I'm not completely financially dependent on my DH. Also, he's supportive of whatever I would like to do. Your DH's attitude sounds awful and you shouldn't let him dictate to you in this way. You need to make the right decision for you. A happy and fulfilled mum is much better for your DC than one who is unhappy.

Like you, I've considered term time only jobs and found that they're like gold dust. And also like you, I don't have family able to help with the childcare regularly; my DM doesn't live far away, but she's nearly 79 and travels to and from Africa working for her charity. It does make it harder to find paid work.

Take the opportunity to retrain on a new career. Get some skills and work towards not being totally financially dependant.

The longer you're out of employment, the harder it is.

I worked in a call centre so not able to do freelance. Only had that one Job and been out of the workplace for 4 years. I also don't have any skills to become self employed cake making or crafts. I wish I did

why not use this opportunity to retrain and strengthen your position instead?
once you've gained better qualifications and skills you can find better suited/paying work (regardless of whether dc are at high school or not)