Husband doesn't want me to work

[Fullofregrets33]

Hi everyone aibu to feel completely rubbish about the fact my husband doesn't want me to work?
Background: I worked full time (normal job,not a career) until we had 2 kids.i was made redundant so took the opportunity to be a sahm with young kids. Hubby's career then took off and he works in senior management now.
My youngest starts school this September so I will have no kids at home.id planned to find a job as I will be very lonely and isolated otherwise and also to contribute financially to the family.
The trouble is my husband has become used to not having to give the care of the kids a second thought. He has never had to have time off to look after them and has never done the school run etc.
If I went back to work the kids would have to go into some kind of childcare. We have no family available to help. Husband has said "everyone is going to suffer" if i return to work. Meaning kids will be in childcare over school holidays, we will have to pay a lot of money for the childcare, he will have to take time off to look after them.
He want me to stay at home until they start high school so another 7 years. That's a long time to be alone every day. I have no other sahm friends.
I don't need to go back to work as financially we are OK so I don't want to work evenings or weekends, the whole point of me returning to work is to fill my days whilst kids are at school. If I could find a term time job that would be great but they are like gold dust to find.
I went to bed feeling rubbish last night, feeling as tho I am nothing other than someone's mother

What qualifications do you have? Enough to get into uni? If not, do an Access course at a local college. Then you can do a degree. Or teacher training, or whatever floats your boat.

Then when the kids go to secondary school you’ll just be starting out on your new career. It’ll be great!

If the uni route doesn’t interest you, then work out what does, and spend the next few years learning a skill or a trade.

Urgh he's being selfish. What he really means is he will 'suffer' as in he will actually have to step up and take on some of the household and childcare responsibilities he's managed to avoid.

Your mental well-being is important. If that means working , then work

Being a woman doesn't give the right to ignore her finacial responsibility to her family

And being a man doesn't give her DH to ignore the domestic and child rearing aspects of being an adult, which it sounds like what her DH is mostly concerned about.

If the OP starts to work outside the home, is he worried that he might have to sometimes take time off work if the DCs are sick, take them for medical appointments, or to wait in for a plumber to come, or think about any of all manner of both small and large tasks that are simply not on his radar currently.

As others have said, the OP is potentially in a vulnerable position if they divorce, or if the DH dies, including in relation to pension rights.

Unless perhaps they have sufficient assets, life insurance etc, that if something went wrong, she could live comfortably on what she would receive. Not working and building up a pension can lead to poverty down the line. That is what I would be concerned about in the OPs position.

What if, once the DCs have left home, they separate. She could find herself in her 50s, with no recent work experience, no pension to speak of and unless the assets, including pension, are substantial and recognise her contribution to the marriage by sacrifcing her career in favour of facilitating all domestic matters, in accordance with her DHs wishes, she's potentially looking at having to work until she dies, or face a penniless old age.

“No, the OP probably isn't going to walk straight into a well paid job. That's why it's a good idea to start now, not when she's in her late 50s.”

Exactly cory

If I was you I would go to college and study for a career - this is term time and therefore compatible and you could aim for a career which is family friendly

Fuck me. Have the men apologists taken over mumsnet?

What this woman should leave her self financially vulnerable, take a massive pension hit, be generally unhappy so her husband can get on with his career unhindered and doesn't need to concern himself with childcare?

Fuck that. These kids have two parents, she's as entitled to work as he is, he needs to step up and take responsibility here. She does not need to sacrifice her life on the alter of motherhood to support him.

Op get yourself a job. He will adjust, the kids will be fine, probably love it. Don't let. Him bully you into being the child care provider and don't let any one on here do it either.

www.ncvo.org.uk/ncvo-volunteering

I do wonder at the poster who just says MAKE him do his share of childcare. It isn't always possible. I was a SAHM when dds were small - my dh often had to go away for work, sometimes for lengthy periods. It was an intrinsic part of his job, and I had nobody who could be relied on to help with childcare on anything but a one-off, emergency basis - and even that wouldn't have been easy. Plus there was an elderly parent of dh's needing help.

I did some voluntary work and studied with the OU, though admittedly the courses are a lot more expensive now. But if money is not tight I do recommend it - although most were hard work I really enjoyed all my courses - and the challenge. As a pp has said, training for a TA post might be a good idea - and there will probably be all sorts of other courses available locally.

I think you need to be clear on your financial position. I would only be comfortable not working if DH was paying significant amounts each month into a pension for me. I would also want to know that there were shared marital assets that would set me up should he divorce me - if your house is worth loads with a small mortgage for example. I would also expect him to be very well insured in terms of life assurance but also income replacement if he got sick or couldn't work. I know it all sounds terribly depressing but no one ever thinks they will be the one to get sick, become disabled, or die. But people do every day.

Be careful what you wish for. As a single parent and breadwinner I'd love to spend all day pleasing myself and then be able to really be a great, focused parent. Sounds lovely. Working, juggling, doing it all is a total life enjoyment sapping pain in the arse a lot of the time. Having said that it did give me the ability to paddle my own canoe but it's NOT ideal. Don't get caught up on the principle if it's really not necessary is my advice. If you don't like the power differential and are willing to have a much harder life go for it.

Do-it.org.uk is a national website advertising volunteering opportunities. I know several people who have started at charities as volunteers and gone on to get paid work at the same charity.

Why should the OP stick to volunteering if she actually wants a job?
Her bloody husband should step up and take some responsibility for his kids.
I’m also married to a high earner. I work but don’t have to. It’s very rewarding.
luckily my husband also sees the home and children as part of his role in life and takes responsibility for those things too.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER Wed 22-Aug-18 10:00:55
"I do wonder at the poster who just says MAKE him do his share of childcare. It isn't always possible."

No, of course it isn't. But in an equal relationship these things get discussed and there is a genuine attempt to balance the needs and future prospects of all parts.

I mentioned in an earlier post how we organised things to compensate for my lack of earnings during dd's difficult years.
I should also have mentioned that now that dd is independent, dh is deliberately doing more of the housework (or agrees to let it slide) precisely because he realises I have catching up to do. Being a single father with 50:50 custody of a disabled and mentally ill child would hardly have been a career enhancer for him either, so this arrangement was in his interests as much as mine.

When a friend's youngest turned out to have some serious health issues her father let his company know that he did not want to be considered for promotion as he realised he would be needed for last-minute hospital appointments or care of the older child.

My point is that unless a husband invests his earnings or pays into his wife's pension, his high salary dies with him- or walks away on divorce. Having a wealthy husband is only really an advantage as long as you have him (or possibly, inherit his money).

Although I agree that if you want to work you should. No reason why your DH should dictate whether you do or don't.

But based on your job experience so far I think volunteering or studying might be a good option in the first instance.

Does anyone know in the UK if there is a volunteering website similar to a jobsite where they are advertised in one place?

Yes! I use reachvolunteering.org.uk/

YANBU to want to work. Lot's of us do it because we enjoy it and value independence - not just for the money.
Your DH sounds like he has got used to having a housekeeper and doesn't fancy having to do his share of childcare.
But what you want is as important as what he wants, don't forget that.
So if you want to get a job, he's going to have to start pulling his weight with the DC and around the home.

Please don't do what I did. If I could have my time again, I'd have found something/anything outside the home, and worked.

I've been in a similar position, and whenever I've tried to talk about going back to work or studying towards something else, I've heard similar reasons from my dh, along with the fact that I wouldn't cope. I also don't need to work as he earns well, so that was always mentioned, and that he wanted me at home.

I've done some volunteering work for about 6 of those years, which I enjoyed, but had to stop that nearly 3 years ago. It wasn't particularly social either, so although I'd hoped to make some new friends from it, it didn't turn out that way.

My dc are now 13 & 16, and I have no confidence and no friends, and no money of my own. I'm pretty isolated and spend all my days alone, and when my dh does finally get home we don't really talk anymore.

It's no life, so please, if you want to work, do so. It's too late for me, but I think it's worse to have regrets.

I'd think about what sort of career I wanted long-term and I'd go back to college and then university if necessary. I'd make sure my national insurance payments were made, too. You will make new friends at college and everyone will be at the start of a new life - I used to teach mature students and some really strong friendships evolved there. Think of it as an opportunity to change your career so that you end up with something that's more than just a job.

If the husband’s career has built up over the years so that genuinely has responsibilities which would make it very hard for him to take on more of the child care and domestic duties, then maybe time for him to reshape his future too. Perhaps he could shift towards something that enables him to participate in family life more- win win for all the family

I can’t see the value of children having one parent home full time, even after they’re in school, if it’s at the expense of the other parent having time with them.

Posts crop up regularly where the husband has some high powered job jet setting off at a moments notice and the wife has to take care of everything else. It’s easy to assume the husband is just being selfish and thinking about himself in these scenarios, but who knows, maybe if they got a taste of more of family life and less of a pressure to hit target and be sole provider, they might actually feel they have a far happier balance.

Most people find change difficult, which is why the OPs husband is guilt tripping her because he’s anxious about upsetting the status quo. It’s absolutely the wrong way to go about it, but honestly, it could be better for family life all round if the OP is able to use her skills and feel fulfilled, and her DH engages more with the family

do-it.org As other have said is a good start. Developing your skills and employability would be a great first step- and building confidence. Could also lead to future work. Look at studying too- it/ digital skills. On line stuff at futurelearn, coursera, Microsoft etc.
Build your confidence and independence. Choose.

Op, what job do you want to do? What ambition did you have before you had children? Do you have GCSEs or A levels? Have you been to university? Do you have any particular strengths, eg. arty, musical, good with numbers, sporty, articulate, enjoy writing, have a passion for reading, endless patience with children, good with animals, enjoy gardening etc ?

I don’t agree that volunteering or TA jobs are the right thing to do. I believe you should get a recognised qualification in whatever job you would really enjoy.

Is your DH putting money aside into a pension for you? At the very least, are your NI contributions completely up to date?

Her bloody husband should step up and take some responsibility for his kids.

Simply this.

I am a SAHM and in the last 6 months have had to become a carer for my DH. I've been out of the work place for over 2 years, this wasn't the plan as I was intending to go back to work when my daughter started nursery at 3. I've started to get really bored and fed up of being at home, but I've had to accept that going to work is not the best thing at the moment. So, I'm using this opportunity to do some things I want to do. I'm volunteering once a week at a charity finance office, somewhere I would like to work in the future. It's flexible as they know that I may not be able to come some days, but also feels like 'proper work'. It is helping me to feel less fed up, and helping to restore my confidence. But my DH is supportive, even though it does affect him when I'm not at home. I'm going to do some other really flexible volunteering and start training for a half marathon. So, maybe think about what you would like to do, to increase your employability or things that you enjoy, but you need to make your husband realise that things for you are important.

Everyone will have an opinion on this, what is "right", what is "wrong", what a woman or man "should be doing". But no one is you or your family or your husband. They don't know the ins and outs of how you all are together day to day. They don't know the ins and outs of your mental well being, what the family "needs", what is "best" etc. Only you know this. Only YOU can decide what to do. It's not fair on your husband, or society etc, to force you into a decision. You know what it is that you want - you've already said. It's a big decision to make, and you have the luxury of time right now to spend some time considering and calculating/researching options available to you and in your area.

Haven’t read the whole thread but your husband doesn’t get to say what you do and don’t do- it should be a family decision.

Have you thought about being a TA? While the £ isn’t great, it is a brilliant, rewarding job and obviously school hours and term time only which means (if you can work it so you work in the same school as your kids or one very near by) you might not need any childcare. Just a thought.