I’m “cheating” because DS is going to private school 🙄

[cinderellaeggs]

MIL just found out that DS is going to private school and announced that we are “cheating” and it’s “not fair” because SIL’s children can’t go.

It’s not a competition!

I do believe it's hard if not impossible for a student from a mediocre state school to compete with a student at most private schools even if they have the exact same level of raw intelligence and ability.

Not impossible if you mean compete to get into a great uni, I did it. My school was certainly not the best. I think I probably put in more hours than the average private school student to do it as I was working on my own (plus dad when he could) a lot, but I got there.

Once I gained my degree I was on the same playing field as everyone else there, apart from the money and the titled people, but they were rare and weren’t competing with the rest of us for jobs really as often they had something to go to.

@yoghurtmaker
But if you had put the same amount of work at a private school you would have done even better.. I actually managed to get onto a good degree course at a prestigious university too but in all honesty I still don't think I really reached my potential. If I had to spend less time filling in all the gaps in my education and navigating the curriculum myself then I think I could and would have achieved more.

in all honesty I still don't think I really reached my potential

To be fair I know people who feel
that way who attended good private schools.

In our immediate friendship group about half went to private schools. None of them have done better than DH and I who are state educated.

There’s no magic ticket or guarantee. You just make the best decision you can for your own children.

Other people's children are their own business.

@yoghurtmaker unless you know the fiber points of British etiquette and you have had training in reasoning you aren't. Most parents don't send their children to private schools to get them into top unis, any idiot can get into oxbridge the reasoning goes, it's more to ensure that they pass internal metrics testing for magic circle firms and don't embarrass themselves in the office by wearing brown shoes or holding their wine glass incorrectly at an evening event. Private school privallege isn't about academics in Britain. It's about being able to think well enough (if you are intelligent enough) and being accepted into certain social circles. As a forgeiner that is why private school is a no negotiable for my family. I could help my children get the grades/develop critical reason skills while sending them to a stare school but I am still learning about the social stuff and my husband is too lazy to act the way he should at home so I have to choose between outsourcing to a private school or letting my children enter adulthood at a massive disadvantage. I suppose I could try etiquette classes but most of them seem to be run by Americans and put of date/downright incorrect. Class privilege is a real thing in Britain and being privately educated us an integral part of obtaining it.

@OP have other family members reacted now that the word has 'got round'

Tutoring for 11+ or entrance tests isn’t cheating but it does not necessarily benefit the child being tutored. DS is at a selective independent school and at the end of yr 9 children who are struggling are asked to leave whether parents can afford the fees or not. They are well aware that is not a good environment for a less able pupils who usually have to continue with tutoring just to keep up.
It may seem harsh but not all parents are able to accept that their child isn’t able, but the school are hot on pastoral care and will consider the child’s well being above the parents aspiration. Ability is relative to those who surround you. In my work place I am a genius but amongst my professional peer group I am average.
That said ignore your MIL she sounds just like my MIL whose golden grandchild is obviously genius compared to my DS. I could fill a whole thread with her ridiculous comments regarding our child rearing choices.
Do what you feel is best for your DS!

They just think MIL is a loon. No one else cares!

Re etiquette and social circles, if you live in certain places it’s not an issue. Even if you’re state educated, the people in the village (that you may have even have been with at primary if out of London) are still your friends, you still share a lifestyle. Money doesn’t make you any different in that sense.

The old boys thing is a bit of a myth with blurry edges since the late 80s for reasons I won’t go into because I don’t want to derail the thread!

OP, is your DH/DP happy with you calling your MIL a loon? What does he think about it?

Money doesn’t make you any different in that sense

Agreed!

It sounds like she's jealous of you and the other sil because your more cultured than her dd.

LePetitLarousse his words!

@NonaGrey
There are no guarantees and there will always be examples of people from bog standard schools that have outperformed their private school peers but this doesn't disprove the statistics and research that show that a private education stacks the odds in favour of a good career and opportunities.

It's like giving someone running a race a headstart, of course other participants might overtake them but they will be relying on talent and effort to make up the deficit.

”It's like giving someone running a race a headstart, of course other participants might overtake them but they will be relying on talent and effort to make up the deficit.”

Nice analogy!

@racecar Re “etiquette” as you call it, money is not a factor. New money is not the same as old money. Old money sometimes don’t have any money! Grandfather was very high up military, we were drilled old school! New money friends sometimes have no clue. It’s to do with background and family, not money.

Indeed and it can be quite subtle.
The mother in law might also suggest that the parents try hard to ensure the children have an accent that will make it difficult to get jobs if she wants to be consistent

I can’t believe how people get annoyed here if someone sends their kids to private just because theirs can’t go - before I could send mine I never felt disadvantaged or that it’s a unfair system, it’s life- it’s everywhere, there will never be equality in everything as everyone thinks different and makes different choices and those choices have consequences. My generation from the 80s who a lot of went to uni we all have okay ish jobs and a lot of people could do private but they may choose other options with their money like more holidays, a bigger house etc if I choose private because my priority is my kids education that’s a choice I’ve made for my kids compared to eg my cousins who have chosen more holidays.

People are saying it’s the same with private healthcare- nothing wrong in this, if people have money what on earth do you expect them to do with it? Just keep saving it? Spend it on clothes? If they want to spend it on getting faster and better treatment than the nhs can provide them with so they are healthier there’s nothing wrong in that.

People need to stop being bitter.

@Mommybearx
Not the old "you must be jealous to object to my choices" argument. Believe it or not some of us can afford to send our children private should we so wish but yet STILL don't agree with private schools and the barriers to social mobility they create.

@yoghurtmaker no we don't have league tables or anything like that. There are whole school evaluations that are put up on line but I don't think anyone takes too much notice of them. The one for the school DC go to is from about 5 years ago. There are actually no private primary schools where we live at all. The one that did exist years ago closed due to lack of numbers.